Update

Hi all.  I just wanted to say hi and provide an update.  No, nothing amazing (i.e. miracle turn around or divorce).  Not much has changed except that I have begun to focus on myself.  In particular, I have focused on what I call my foolishness.  I married someone who I should have know needed professional help for her sexual issues and other issues.  She wanted no part of my sexual side but like a fool I tried to let my kindness, sexual prowess and loyalty win her over.  It did not work.  In the past three years we have sex no more than 12 times.  She no longer even wants me to touch her vagina--she is a woman who does not **********.  She has body issues too.  Despite all of this, I stepped forward and agreed to have a child with her...why?  what was I thinking? 

Sometimes I find myself hoping that we will be intimate...what kind of madness is that?  Why did I let myself end here?  I have come to realize that underneath it all, I was trying to valdidate myself by "curing" this sexless woman.  I think it is called the Knight in Shining Armor psychosis..lol.  Basically, I have never felt worthy or good about myself so I turn outward for such validation--"you are a good husband/bf, you made me believe in love and sex."

Sure, she played psychological games on me (i.e. she would challenge me and ask if I would really leave her b/c lack of oral sex, sex etc).  For a person seeking validation and honor, I had to say.  Yet, a person with a good self-esteem would have said, yeah I might leave if I don't get those things.  but I felt too guilty.

Now I know better, but sadly I know I can't abandon my daughter or my wife via a divorce at this time.  I think when our daughter is a bit older, I will be able to leave without guilt or worries that my wife will fall apart.  it is not as big as a sacrifice as one would think.  we don't fight and when we do it is never an argument about sex--thus each small conflict is quickly resolved.  trust me if we were not getting along we would need a divorce right now.

Yes, there is a part of me that feels like I am settling but I also know that I am using this time to take care of myself physically and emotionally.  I am also making sure that my bond with my daughter is strong.  I don't know how long I will last being sexless but I am not worried about that.

I take comfort in knowing that it is not me; that I tried as hard as i could and that the only solution is dissolution.  I am miles ahead of the depression causing uncertainty that I use to experience.

will I cheat? I doubt it.  I am no longer trolling the net (haha) and I am so busy with work and taking care of our home and daughter (I work from home...thank god for the internet!).  I am rarely on my own except for the few hours on my night off (aka mom&daughter time), but during those moments I rather just enjoy the company of my friends (dinner, drinks, movies, party games, maybe a show or concert) than spend my free time looking for sex. 

So that's the update.  Just holding on and reflecting on my actions.  I am learning to see myself as a worthy person deserving of much more.  I hope you are doing better.
FoolishMan FoolishMan
36-40, M
9 Responses Jul 20, 2010

Thanks all. I just wanted to clarify. I thought my loyalty was purely out of love, but now I realize that deep rooted issues clouded my decisions. <br />
<br />
I simply did not see myself as a worthy person so I sought validation from my relationship. Deep down inside I lacked self-esteem and self-love, so I tried hard to be the knight in shining armor, the boyfriend/fiance/husband who remained loyal to his sexually troubled gf/fiance then wife. <br />
<br />
I wanted to be a stand up guy because I lacked self-worth. I should have known better. Now that I know this, I am working hard to let go of my old rescue mission (she does not want help--not therapy, not books, not self-help, nothing) and focus on re-thinking of my self-imagine.<br />
<br />
I think many of us probably share a poor sense of self-worth that has been there before our troubled relationships or have been made worse by them.<br />
<br />
WE DESERVE BETTER. <br />
<br />
Thanks again friends. Anne...I hope you are doing well. I am sorry I disappeared on my EP friends...I needed a break from the pain to reflect on my own actions. Nowadays, when I find myself thinkiing that I might get some pity sex, I say to myself, "man you are so lame....stop wishing for that dysfunctional sex and do something better with your time." lol

Yeah, I do not think of you as foolish either. You may have made a mistake but you seem to have did so out of love. <br />
<br />
You are a good person who aimed to do a good thing but it did not work out. That happens to people all of the time. Your underlying motivations behind those past actions may not matter today. Just continue to focus on doing the right thing today and tomorrow.

What ever works for you - you appear to be very self aware - and I think that is half the battle. But do be aware that the lack of intimacy does sneak up on you and derails your carefully laid plans and wham suddenly you can no longer cope. I wish you well.

It is great to hear from you again and to know that you are coping with your difficult situation. You call yourself foolish, but in fact you are both wise and self aware IMO. May you conrinue to manage your situation until you feel you can leave. And then may you experience fabulous fireworks!! Best wishes my friend.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I don't consider it strength or courage but more along the lines of self-examination and looking closely at my role in this problem. No one put a gun to my head but deep down inside I thought I could help her or that things would get better. I was naive/delusional! <br />
<br />
I should make it clear that my post makes reference to infidelity--I could only wish I had such relief. I have not been lucky...that's why I call it "trolling"...I feel like a sex troll...looking for sex but to trollish to get any (no I am not ugly but I do feel ugly---years of rejection will do that.). Anyhow...<br />
<br />
By accepting the fact that this is only temporary until my daughter is older, I can focus on everyday life, rather than hold on to false hopes.<br />
<br />
I still hurt and still desire the very powerful soothing physical and emotional aspects of intimacy; and sometimes I have moments when I feel I will never feel that passion. But I try not to let that guide me to a road of despair. My daughter needs me here and now, not broken. On some days the struggle is not as great as others.

Lol, you are indeed a dedicated and focused man. I am on the other side of the barricade, pls read my story to understand the point. You decided to stay in this no intimacy union for the sake of your child, I am still in mine for the sake of my son but not sure if for too long as I am taking the matter in my own hands, this time I will put all the cards on the table. No, I am not a cheater like you but if something does not change I will not be able to live with no soul, too romatic perhaps I am for the life today ......I honestly admire you but do you think this is sustainable......you said it yourself.....you are learning to survive without the physical but can you go on without the emotional...........at the end will be just the empty shell.....would you be able to manage the sanity intact with no soul feeling inside.<br />
It is complicated, we all were not going to be here if it was easy but we stay years, decades in unions that are killing us slowly because we love our partners despite.....of for our kids.....of for convenience......or I read somewhere somebody said this is our safety blanket.<br />
Good luck!! The quest is not nearly at the start line. Sorry, too much jabbering with no sense mayhap, as far as somebody there invisible is listening. Take care.

Glad to know some one here manages sanity despite the deprivation... lol

I applaud you strength and courage. Not many of us can get past the hurt and resentment. Best wishes to you!

Great news for you. This kind of sounds like what I've been doing too. I've just kind of moved on with myself, and am trying to put this on the back burner for now--but it's difficult to do so. I wish you luck, and it's nice to hear you're finding enjoyment in other areas of you life as well!