Finally Figuring It Out . . . Just An Update And A Thank You!

I think I finally snapped out of it. It's like I've been in a fog since last fall and now I am starting to see with clarity. I had a long talk with him last night, I didn't yell, I didn't blame, I didn't cry. I am very proud of the way I handled myself. He listened and then told me HE had been feeling neglected (of course) b/c he had approached me about sex and I hadn't reciprocated. I very calmly pointed out to him that was Saturday, after I had my Friday night nervous breakdown, and I absolutely did not want pity sex or "shut up" sex anymore. I told him I was hurt and confused by the lack of effort, by the withholding of sex, by the stopping of ****sex, etc.  I told him that I didn't know what was going to happen to us but that I wasn't, at the moment, interested in discussing divorce (he professed deep and abiding love for me, ummm OK). However, I was going to do some things differently. I am going to pursue my career, which has been on hold at his request for several years (and I don't blame him for that - it was a mutual decision) and I am going to travel more. No, not with a lover or the intent of taking a lover. I just want to see the world (or a little of it) while I am still young. He won't go with me so my options are to sit at home and grow old WAY ahead of my time or get out and at least have some experiences. Yes, I would prefer to travel with him and share with him, but I cannot have that. I am working on decreasing my desire for sex (which is a mental exercise that is Olympian in effort) and am going to reboot my life, get off the nerve pills, get back into the world. I believe in the longterm (2-3 years) this will probably mean the end of our marriage but, by that time, I will hopefully have some emotional stability and inner strength and also a good paying job to support myself. If I ever get out of this, I am not going to get married again for many many many years, if ever.

I thank all of you. Some for your kind words, some for knowing exactly how I feel, and some for a much needed kick in the rear. You're wonderfu. Oh, I also told him about this group and he never even batted an eye.
GingerJen GingerJen
5 Responses Jul 21, 2010

Good luck with your changes, and your new found strength. But, Exerting yourself to rid yourself of sexual need? doesn't seem like a cure, but a horsehair shirt. You don't need punishment, you need affection and loving time spent on you. Best of luck, anyway

EXCELLENT! Glad to see you are setting some good goals & priorities in your life. I Who knows maybe the hubby will even surprise you & want to tag along. Yea don't hold your breath but still it could I am amazed by the number of people who show no interest until their spouse be they male or female start to think that the other really will just move on with or without them. Suddenly they have interest. I would love to know the psychology behind that one. No not Dr. Phil psychology, the real I guess it is the threat of loss. But even in some of those cases they do just enough to start to feel comfortable that the other wont leave. Then right back to pattern. Yea some do change for the better & bravo to those that do. But ashamedly it is the exception & not the rule. Best of luck in whatever life brings you. :-)

Oh, I'm ready for the next few weeks. He knew my family was coming over yesterday for lunch (farm day for my nieces and nephews) so he went to the store early and brought home a dozen roses. You shouldve seen it, his timing was perfect. Everyone was getting out ot the cars and he swoops in brandishing the flowers. My Mom and my sister just ooohhh and aaaahhh. They don't know what he puts me through because I haven't told them and boy, did he get the brownie points.<br />
<br />
That's OK, I'm not desperate anymore. Something has snapped and I don't feel guilty and I know it's all hopeless. It sounds sad, but I think it's a little like a serious disease diagnosis. You don't want to hear it, but you know you've been really sick and something serious is wrong and once they put a name on it, you can get about the business of curing yourself.

I've noticed this too with my spouse. He only ever seems to hear me when I threaten with an affair. It doesn't matter how much I've cried or agonized with our situation or how much it's hurt/impacted me on so many levels... nope.. it's not till he feels like I've attacked his manhood by mentioning another man does he feel it. I hate that.<br />
<br />
I wish you luck in your future! I love moments of clarity like that, and good for you for doing the whole travel thing. I too started focusing in on my own life more and less on our relationship--I figure he lives his life that way, so why can't I?! Good luck!

We established the other day that refusers were narcissistic. It has come up in way too many evaluations of their behaviors.<br />
<br />
The fact that he felt neglected says it all. Poor, poor him.<br />
<br />
Watch out for some new found clarity on his part. You might be amazed at how attentive he will attempt to be in the next few days/weeks.