My Sexless Story

So I never had sex with my now husband before we got married.  I was just deathly afraid of pregnancy. He is obese for a young man his age.  Potbelly and all.  He lost his hair in his 20s ( I never saw him with hair).  But I loved him.  He was an extemely smart, caring and generous man.  Though it was not love at first sight for me as it was for him, my love grew as I got to know him as a person. We are both similar in age. Fast forward-we got engaged and married.  During the honeymoon, he hardly ever initiated sex.  After a big dinner he would roll into bed explaining how stuffed and tired he was.  This happened most of the 2 weeks of the honeymoon.  I cried myself to sleep everynight.  We returned home and it was the same.  He would come home "tired" from work.  At times we went one month, two months, three or four months without sex.  When we did have sex, it was about him and his sexual needs. He did little to attempt to make me climax.  He just said "I figured you were unable to climax because I have no skill".  He never tried anything to change this.  He figured that if I wasnt having an ****** via intercourse, I was unable to climax then.

He lost  50lbs the next year (though he still was classified as obese).  Not much changed it the bedroom.  I would cry myself to sleep every night and he would cry saying he did not know why he did this to me and that he was a fool and it would stop..that he would "never do that to me again". This same scenario repeated itelf multiple times after. We went through a good faze over the course of a few months.  We then decided to have a child.  I became pregnant and sex became sporadic again.  When we had it, there was tons of it.  When there was nothing..it was a drought.   I begged him to get a physical  exam or just go speak to a professional.  He saw a psychologist for about 3 sessions. After much prodding, he confessed to her that he excessively ***********.  Once in the morning in the shower while I was sleeping and once while I went to bed before him (all while pregnant). He would look at **** while I was sleeping.He also thought about ************ throughout the day all day long.  Basically she concluded that he a very selfish person.  He was into instant gratification without worrying about the adverse effects it would take on others (such as me).  After those sessions, he improved, even after the birth of our child.  Things worked out for some months again (we had sex, but never more than 2-3x a month).  I am now pregnant with #2 and I have found out again that he is ************ in the shower.  Never does he pursue sex in the morning.  He said that he doesnt even think about having sex with me, and just ***********.  I ask him why he doesn't pursue sex in the morning and "He doesn't know why".  He also "doesnt know why"  he treats me like this.  I have told him everything on my mind. (and many times not so nicely)  I dream about other men and I wake up very horny, but then realize that I have my husband next to me, who does not know what to do with me.  I can't stop thinking about other men.  I don't want to die thinking this is what marriage and true love is supposed to be like.  I want to feel the passionate bed rocking sex that I don't get.  He would rather eat himself into a gluttonous oblivion, spend hours on the toilet with his computer and jerk off, then have sex with me. I feel pathetic because we are a very young couple and I have to ask for sex.  He NEVER pursues me.  When he does, he just taps and strokes me in all the "unerogenous" places, and if I don't respond to these pathetic attempts, he quits alltogether.  If I initiate and jump on top of him, he is ready to go.  He never initiates or does anything that causes him to physically exert himself.  His idea of foreplay does not require him to move from the same position.    I used to initiate all the time.  I stop doing that in the hopes that if I don't initiate he may.  Well he doesnt.  He was off for 5 days and we never had sex.  He "doesn't know why" he is the way he is.  He is still classified as obese.  There is no erectgile issues.  He says he is not gay, or cheating.  He says that he is very attracted to me.  (I am young and physically fit).  He says that he loves me and thinks I am sexy, yet he doesnt know why he doesnt pursue sex with me.  I told him  want him to fix his problem, stop the excessive ************ (or quit cold turkey) lose the weight and speak to doctors or I want a divorce...even with baby on the way.  I want to see what comes of this, but I am skeptical.  We are about to "celebrate" 5 yrs.  I have nothing to celebrate over these past few years. What do I do with this man who "loves" me?  I just want to inflict pain and humilation on him as he has caused me these past years. I want to be with a man who WANTS to have sex with me, not his hand.

It just sucks that I am pregnant and my hormone levels are so crazy that I feel so horny all the time. I could have sex all the time. Today he told me that he will lose a lot of weight before our next child. He is sorry for doing this to me and hates himself for being fat because it takes a toll on his energy and self esteem. He claims to say that his weight has caused him to be the way he is.As much as I want to feel bad for him that he hates himself for being fat, I don't want to because I feel that it would justify his behavior. I told him that I wouldn't care as much if he was somewhat overweight if we had more sex like a "normal couple". I don't want him to be thin and still have a sexless marriage. Sexlessness is NOT negotiable. He continues to say he loves me more than anyone and just wants me to stand by him so he an "really fix it this time". How much can I take?!
needanswerz needanswerz
31-35, F
9 Responses Jul 21, 2010

**** you

I am saddened to read this story as I too am in a sexless marriage.
Months with out, affection pushed away.

I resort to ************, not the same, now after years like this I find it doesnt cut it anymore.

Trying not to cheat but its been hard, resorted to hopping to finding someone to cam with to help with desires

If you are frustrated you can find a man for no strings sex. affairs have been around since time started. Either that or you have to leave him, you cannot go on like this (just posting this tells me that)

You know I bet there are plenty of men out there that cant perform but would love to have more going on with their wives.... (or the inverse) but for you to have a man who can perform but chooses to watch p0rn and ma$terbate all the time while you go wanting is quite criminal.<br />
Perhaps you should ask him what kind of wh0re tricks you could try from his favorite p0rn flicks would convince him to participate? {(If nothing else it might start him thinking about what you have to do to get him going.)

I totally understand how you feel. It is a terrible place to be. I think about other men. All the time. It's hard not to! You just wonder what else could be out there for you. Sex isn't everything but it is a big ******* deal when youre not getting any!

OMG, get out!! He is stripping away any self esteem you have, he is also not truly listening to you, your needs, your concerns. I also live in a sexless marriage, 1 time in 2yrs!!! I know I am going to leave, we have no children, just 4 legs and fur, but I need to make sure I have enough money so I can survive. I do not make enough to live on my own, so I need a plan!<br />
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Good Luck to you and hang in there!! There are men out there that would love to be with you!

OMG, get out!! He is stripping away any self esteem you have, he is also not truly listening to you, your needs, your concerns. I also live in a sexless marriage, 1 time in 2yrs!!! I know I am going to leave, we have no children, just 4 legs and fur, but I need to make sure I have enough money so I can survive. I do not make enough to live on my own, so I need a plan!<br />
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Good Luck to you and hang in there!! There are men out there that would love to be with you!

Pull up a chair, stay for awhile but hopefully not too long in a sexless state! Most people here are pretty supportive and reading other people's experiences can often put another light on the way you view things. Thank you for sharing!

Welcome to the group that no-one wants to belong to. I suggest you read the many stories and forum posts here. Learn about this awful condition "sexless marriage". It seems your husband is essentially "sexless" in that he only wants to have sex with himself . . . this probably indicates serious problems with intimacy.<br />
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I'm very sorry that you have a child and are also pregnant - only because it means making leaving a great deal more difficult . . . And I suspect you will need to end this farcical marriage in order to survive and thrive . . . . Every best wish for a happier future.