No longer angry...but just scared.

I have yet to talk find anyone with this problem.  My husband and I have been married for about 4 years now.  We're both in our mid 30's. He' the best man I have ever met.  We enjoy each other's company, laugh, drink and love to just hang out together for the most part.  I really can't ask much of him, he even folds laundry!  Ahhh! The one thing that is ruining us and continues to ruin us is the lack of sex.  He does have an erectile dysfunction and has to take specific medication for it; however, he is allergic to viagra and has to take other types of medicine that does not always work 100%.  While dating, I knew this was an issue and I loved him anyway and we dealt with it.  But now, it's a lot less.  We go for months without it.  The medication sometimes hurts or is quite uncomfortable.  He has seen several doctors and this is the only solution for him right now.  We have seen a therapist before, but it did not help.   He is hesistant to want to use the medication and I have searched for other therapists to help us, but he is hesitant to try to get more help due to the poor experience with the first one.  I'm trying to be supportive, but I feel like I am the only one trying to resolve this.  I feel like I am the only one craving intimacy.  He views it as such a chore because of the condition he's placed in, and I understand why he doesn't look forward to it.  It just didn't seem like such a huge burden for the first 2 years we dated.  Oral sex is awesome and I have no complaints, but even now, he doesn't even initiate that anymore.  It's all because of this dark cloud hanging over our heads.  He just shuts down every time I try to talk about it.  I feel like it will get worse too.  I really don't know what to do.  Most therapists I've talked to have never encountered this type of problem in a couple before.  But I wish my husband would be more willing to want to improve this between us...we'll argue, he'll tell me things will change and he will go see another doctor.  But he doesn't and shuts down.  Then the cycle starts all over again.  There are days I get so angry because we are not moving forward.  I get so resentful that even when I do initiate, I'm usually rejected.  But now, I'm just really scred because I'm losing hope fast. I really don't know what to do.  Any advice?
lisakins920 lisakins920
3 Responses Jul 21, 2010

Found this story at random, and see that she only wrote this one story then disappeared. She wrote, "I feel like it will get worse too." She is absolutely right. It will only get worse.<br />
<br />
I wonder what she ended up doing...

Hi so sorry for your issue I'm new to this and use a iPhone at that but just the same I'm a man and 43 at that but when you go down on him that dosent get him hard or worked up I my self don't have any issue with getting it up but if I did I would put it in limp the other thing is are you shore he is not gay The other thing is I use to swing and I use to get a ton of offers from cpls that the man could no get I up and would won't me to have sex withheld wife as they would just look

Not into advice. Will give you a comment tho.<br />
My experience is that promises and undertakings may be made about this matter*, but actual action is usually lacking - or at best - fleeting.<br />
If you have a really good look at a situation, often this inaction is present on other issues in the marriage. OK, he folds towels. How about if you go to the movies ? Do you see what you want, or what he wants ? How about holidays ? Joint choice ? Do you get an equal say in things or is it always 'what he wants' and you tag along.<br />
Just asking, as the inaction on things can be a 'cover' for controlling behaviour based on passive agression. Resultant in your self esteem hitting the wall.<br />
The sex - lack of - may be a symptom of something more insidious.<br />
Good luck.