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Refusing Sex = Emotional Abuse

Withholding sex in a "loving" relationship is Emotional Abuse. Denying one's partner the bond which cultivates closeness and intimacy with them is Emotional Abuse. Whether their refusal is due to mental illness, passive/aggressive anger or control issues or an underlying reason that even they are not aware of, the act of not even trying to right this wrong is Emotional Abuse. Sex is the glue which holds a relationship/marriage together. It is supposed to be the one thing which separates a couple from just being friends or just being roommates. Denying one's partner sex and sexual intimacy is abuse because it makes their partner feel unwanted, undesired, unworthy, unattractive, unhappy and unfulfilled. It is NOT FAIR. It is NOT WHAT YOU HAD SIGNED UP FOR. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If the refuser doesn't try to deal with their reason for inflicting this devastating blow to their partner's psyche, self-esteem and sense of self-worth, then it is just plain CRUEL and SELFISH. It may make their partner question their self-worth, it may cause depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, lessen their ability to think rationally, create a sense of hopelessness and cause them constant worry. It is crippling. It is emotionally painful.  It indeed hurts.  It drains one's energy, makes them feel like they're fighting a losing battle, and makes them question their own sanity. Again, it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. There has to be a reason; the refused did not cause this.  Even if they did, they cannot begin to right the situation if the refuser refuses to even discuss the matter. The refuser withholds sex and that is not fair and is wrong, very wrong. If they have a problem, whether it be a mental or physical issue or personal reason, they should own up to it and try to get it out and into the open. Not discussing the problem only makes it fester and causes additional problems. I realize and appreciate that every relationship is different and has its own dynamics, but one thing which is very real is that denying one's self and their loved one the pleasure, passion, joy and emotional fulfillment of sexual intimacy is indeed a form of Emotional Abuse and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Good luck to anyone who is in a sexless relationship/marriage.  From my experience, I believe that one can give and give and try to make it work out but it's a no-win situation since there is only one partner who is trying.  Eventually one realizes that there is nothing left to give and nothing left to compromise; they have given all that they are capable of and have already compromised themselves too much.  If one realizes this and sees the situation for what it truly is, they will feel it in their gut, they will know that enough is enough and they will hopefully get the heck out and move on with THEIR LIFE while they still have love for their self.  Sexless Marriage truly sucks.  The emotional abuse truly hurts. Thankfully there are lots of folks on this forum, like me, who have made it to the other side and are living happy and healthy sex lives filled with joy, tenderness and respect.  We've been where you are.  We understand your pain and frustration.  You are not alone.  Good luck to anyone who has experienced or is currently living in this situation.  I hope that things will get better, but if they don't, I hope you will find the courage and inner strength to take care of your self.  Life is way too short to settle for less. 
ISELFLOVE ISELFLOVE 41-45, F 155 Responses Jul 22, 2010

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I agree!!!

What about refusing oral sex? The story: Many moons ago before I was married, when my now husband was my boyfriend, I cheated on him the second day after he asked me to be, or rather told me I was his. He was always wishy washy and would lead me to believe he was going to commit to me many times, then would run off and be sexually active with other people. And at the time he asked me I was not in a relationship, but seeing somebody else. So, regardless of the circumstances, and without me justifying anything... We only dated for 3 months, then got married (Military Lifestyle). 2 months after we married, I opened up about it and let him know what happened. He was furious and hurt... And he never stopped hanging it over my head. There was a daily reminder... He hadn't given me oral sex even before he found out about this, and I was okay with that, thinking that he would come around. So first he justified it by saying I had a "smell" (I didnt)... I went to two doctors I got EVERYTHING checked out and I was good. The doctor might has well have said it was in prestine condition. Seriously. And the previous partner I had never complained. So after that was no longer an excuse, he told me that he would never have oral sex with me because what had happened before. He didn't even come out and say that from the onset, I spent months thinking something was wrong with me, even before I told him about the cheating.... And then months after the talk about cheating thinking the same thing. I lost complete confidence in myself. I felt like, in his words I was "tainted". Now it's been a year since all of this. I've been married one year, exactly. I'm 20 years old... And I feel trapped. I feel as if though, his mind is made up and he won't change. We even went to therapy! And he told the therapist he would never do it and he will never change his mind. She even tried to explain to him "If you don't want to have oral sex because you just don't like it, that's one thing. But if you're not doing it because you feel like she doesn't deserve it, because of something she did that you are saying you "forgave" her for, that is wrong. That is punishment."
I don't know... I've felt guilty for so long, undeserving for so long... "Tainted" for so long.... I'm tired. I'm unfulfilled. And I don't know what to do anymore.

I really feel for you. My marriage of 7 years has ended and even though it ended against my will I was on the fast track to needing to end it myself before it destroyed me due to complete lack of intimacy and the affect of that on me. Lack of oral sex was a major and recurrent issue for me and not being able to have that addressed was a growing problem over the years even as a complete lack of any intimacy often took precedence. It had been promised for when we were married, then kicked down the line so many times. The problem being that it always seemed to indicate her unhappiness with me in some way, that I had not yet lived up to what she expected in the marriage. Sex was a weapon. It took me a long time to see that, but it was true. What lack of sex at all felt like to me in the end is exactly what was going on. So, I understand the emotional impact of no oral sex, especially when it does go the other way. I can just tell you to trust your gut. I wish I had trusted mine a long time ago. This issue has to be confronted head on or it will haunt you. I do have some hope for you as at least he went to counseling - when I tried to save my marriage she would not even talk to her pastor or anyone or try anything. The bottom line is that he is withholding a part of himself from you and somehow that has to be resolved. I wish I knew an easy solution for you, but you have my prayers and I hope that it works out for you.

I have sadly been on the receiving end of this. I am no longer, thank goodness! Life is too short not to enjoy intimacy with someone you love. But though I have healed myself and have a robust and happy sex life with my loved one now, you never forget how much being shut out of intimacy with your partner hurts. It does indeed crush your self esteem, make you question your desirability, cause physical pain from emotional tension and lack of touch and closeness from the one who supposedly loves you. If if is from deliberate neglect, control issues or using sex as a weapon, it is indeed abuse. This helped lead to the demise of my marriage, and led me towards emotionally seeking comfort elsewhere. I am not a 'cheater', I didn't commit adultery. But it made me feel unwanted, and I sought empathy and friendship to help lessen the pain.

Thank you for sharing this.I'm in a sexless marriage I'm ready to leave.But we are talking about things but he will not open up about that.

on the web you can always find statements that go either way, on the one hand if the man gets off with his wife when she doesnt want him to its rape on the other hand if the wife refuses the husband all the time its emotional abuse....which is it? the truth is this ambiguity in the US is part of the reason we have such a high divorce rate, heck many "psychiatrists" recommend pressing charges and leaving the man who "gets off" against his wifes will.

I have been looking for months somewhere with this kind of information. I am 49 years old, in excelent physical shape. haven't had sex in 5 years... Girfriend had breast cancer and hysterectomy and was never that much of an enthousiastic lover but now, everything has stopped, no sensual touching, no oral, nothing. the pain is the same as a breakup with the added torture of still being commited to her. this physically hurts. I actually feel a huge loss in self esteem and don't look forward to anything but work. I cannot live like this any longer. something's got to give or I'm out.

thank you so much for taking the time to write this, it was so wonderful to read I tried to get my boyfriend to read it hoping he might see that's it not just me but unfortunately he threw my laptop to the floor and called me crazy. It's nice to know there are others going through this, thank you

The throwing your laptop on the floor relates to anger issues as well as control issues and cruelty. I would reconsider being in a relationship with a man who would do something like that.

If he is refusing, then just tie him to the bedpost and screw him! If I had a wife and she tried to withhold sex, I would use the bondage page in my playbook.

My wife refused sex for decades hiding behind she would charge marital rape if I forced it. The whole keep him sexless and unhappy at home was my fathers idea, All because him and his friends wanted me controlled. Well he has lost that control, my wife ended up forced into sex by me.
She did try and file those charges I spoke of, but in my chat with the DA I presented evidence in her own hand about how my life had been stolen from me, the fraud and extortion she committed to keep me from claiming my marital rights, how she used blackmail to ensure that I was nothing more than a slave for 32 years, as well as discussing how she felt after I started not to care about what she, she, my, father, and others took steps after the no sex lost any influence and how my father and his friends forced me to do what they wanted by using firearms to force me into work and other things they wanted.
Well this stuff in Fergusen Missiori, was bought up in yesterdays session with the doctors, This was ordered by FSSA after troubles that happened over the last18 months, my father said the man there thought he should have rights but as you swathe grand jury thought he was to big to be allowed those rights, he said that's why you could not be allowed the rights you had or earned and he said the reason has been amply proved by the way I took them out of his hands my wife's hands this year, My father told me I had to be treated the way I was because I would have used my size, my brain , and my skills to improve my own life at the expense of others and what they wanted in their life, I just asked isn't that the American way. To improve your lot in life with what god gave us, he said you would have used your abilities and rights to robe those in society that were more deserving of their lives for a time, We are now in a time where special priveledg, by birth, social, or political position is considered to be the gauge that decides your life, not experience ,time and ability, I pointed this out and everyone through up their hands on the other end of the teleconference except my mother.
The moderating doctor asked what she thought, She said my son gets his fathers point, just will never agree, I think when a man earns things he should be allowed to use them according to his skills and experience and time under a contract, my father called this morning to watch this thing on HBO with Bryant Gumbal, he said this has been the same reaction with bad sportsmanship I have been using since high school, He said because you wont be a good sport and accept your loss in life you turned every ones life into something you had to crush under foot, including mine, my friends, and anyone that gets in your way now. He said I tried to teach you had to accept you lot in life gracefully, just take what you were given with thanks and no complaint. but you refused to accept what was given, you started taking what you earned, and now everyone is scared to death you will take their life the next time they cross you.
I pointed out that in his and his friends opinion any thing used to win against me was allowed, and that included tying me up to a tree and beating me in my senior year with extension cords then leaving me bleeding all night, what was it you said that next morning, I hope you learned the intended lesson, you are not in charge of your own life, if you just would have said you were sorry you took that position the way you did we would not have beat you until you passed out, but you were so stubborn you refused to even cry, that why we did not stop, now you are still taking your rights, except the field is not the same, you take us on in the best place to embarass us you took your rights fro a woman you should have protected, She is now so scared of you she just automaticaly agrees to any thing you do, you have been rude to my friends, you have hurt use physically and you wont allow any type of negotiation with you, or forgiveness.
I will be truthful, the fact I was left without the sex I wanted in my marriage was the first thing that I resented, if I had had a normal life, I would never have resorted to my rebellion. I might have become a little more agreeable to be asked to take the back seat so to speak. Now I want my father, his friends, and my wife to understand I rule my life and my house, I will never back down one more time, I don't forgive, I don't allow any interference now. I my marriage, in my home, in my life my word is final, everyone else is immaterial in my decisions, I do not permit my wife any social interaction without me with her now, if she is invited everyone better understand my name is also on the invitation, the next time she goes with someone without me I will leave her bags on the front step, with a bus ticket to anywhere I will never go, she goes with what the house sold for and never returns, my father said you know she can't survive on her own and she knows this to.
With the evidence I have I can prove she has actually only been my wife a little over a year even though the licence was issued in 1981. My father said that's so embarrassing to the family, that's embarrassing to your wife and yourself, but when your nickname was monk at work, and people would suggest I tonser my head and put grey robes, wear rosary beads, and whisper about who my wife was out with the last weekend. It could not have been any more embarrassing could it.
Last year when I forced the issue, I took my life back, it put everyone else on my target list. and I know many here would ay I should have had more self control than I did, I guess I could have rented a woman for a night. but that's not why I was married and paid her way through her life for 31 years. If she was not scizo effective by polar the state would not have made it so crazy expensive for her care and would not have
denied a divorce. My father thinks that him and his friends interference in my life was justified for the good of all, of course they are sorry it had to be that way but that's the way life is, Now I have caused the loss of face. in more ways than one, reversed the tide of battle they think I am not being fair to their needs. I just said what about you losing gracefully and accepting the way things are and will be now, the tossed coin is hard to swallow.

I would have taken the needle to prevent someone from doing that do me without my consent. I do not break easily. I am from backwoods Carolina, Old South traditions. Some are good, some not so much. That tradition you described is bad. I know my rights and I will forcefully claim them if I have to. Good luck in your legal trouble, and take an assault rap for once. You deserve to get a few licks in.

In every instance I have hurt someone I have had witnesses or video of their starting the dustup by taking the first shot, Some consider that with my training as a 3rd dan black belt, air assault, air born in the army, then being a qualified nuclear weapons tech and security in the navy has given me an unfair advantage in a fight, I was told by one police officer I was taught never to submit, to adapt, to overcome and get the job done, he said the fact I went through years of isolation and training that sort of cut out any feeling that I should have when I take on others in social face offs, that I feel no remorse when I destroy them after they start something, he said you don't run or get afraid like a normal person, and after you lost feeling in your legs when your spinal cord was crushed you really could care less about staying alive, he said that makes an obstinate person like you hell to be around at times, because others don't like a person that shows no fear, it makes them feel small, underachieving, and to watch a man that was to be confined to a wheel chair the rest of his life, getup and walk, The officer said that makes people even more fearful, your doctors have done enough tests that say you should not be able to. the officer said that you are just so obstinate you wont stay down.
I thank you for your words, my father is from West VA. his father taught him these jerky traditions, the need to punish a disobedient son, even into his adult life, my father found he could get control of a sick woman, my wife, and used her to control me, when I saw the Movie Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, with Eliziabeth Taylor, Paul Newman, and Orson Wells, the way Orson Well acted with Paul Newman, is somewhat how my father acts toward me. My wife doesn't call him daddy but just about acts the same way.
I know that in the bible it says to honor thy mother and father in the commandments, but when does a parent overstep his bounds. When does a son have to start taking his rights out of society's and his fathers hands, I also have to say that my father has always been angry about a relationship I had in the army, I was dating and getting ready to marry a girl that was island born and raised, not of my own race, not black but half Hawian, half Japaness, exotic, smart, and without prejudice, My father with his fathers upbringing was and is a racial purity nut. When he and my mother met her my father spent an hour telling her she was nothing but a disgusting non white girl. Since we were living together at the time my father felt I made myself a dirty person unfit to ever touch another woman. this is the real reason for all the interference in my life, and the fact I don't like special rights for the country club set, I consider my rights as good as theirs, I was with my father one day going to an electronics store, I got a parking place that as right outside when this guy my father knew pulled up and my father told me I had to let him have the space, it was a Coup Devile and the man was a plant manager and vice President of a local company. He turned and told me I hadto get another space farther out because this man wanted it, I said he can take another space I was not moving, this was after I lost feeling in my legs, it was a handicapped spot I was handicapped with a placard, the other man was not, I refused to move and heard about who the guy was I refused to give my spot to, He told my mother and everyone how bad I was.
It was not bad, it was a refusal to think just because he had a big position someplace he had power over me. I don't know how other people here feel but its time to get rid of special rights.

I read this article and these responses with tears welling up in my eyes. I can identify with so much of these statements.

I am a bisexual woman in my 30s. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for two years and two months now. We used to have sex all the time. We would try to watch a movie but couldn't make it to the end without making love. She is intelligent and funny when she wants to be, so our conversations were a wonderful mix of deep philosophical talks, funny stories about our past and heartfelt sharing of our emotions, fears, and hopes. She encouraged me to go back to school and finish my degree program. She was just a few months away from finishing her own degree program, which she has now finished. When my children and I moved in with her, she was a charming and wonderful stepmother to them. She spent time taking them to the park, playing games with them, and helping them with homework. Life seemed perfect.

She decided that she is more responsible with money than I am, which is very debatable, and took on the responsibility of doing all the bills. At the time, I didn't mind. She had never gave me any reason to mistrust her at that point. I started giving her all my money so bills could be paid. In order to save on insurance, I put my car in her name so that our payments would be less expensive. I enrolled in school full-time and took less time at work, which ultimately got me fired due to them needing someone more available. Now I am trying to finish out the last four weeks of this semester before I find another job so I will have more time to offer an employer. In short, I have no access to money, no vehicle that I own, and no job.

I moved to this state several years ago after a bad divorce. I had escaped an abusive marriage and had to stay in a shelter with my children for almost six months. I had to find somewhere to go and I couldn't afford rent and necessities on my hotel maid's minimum wage income. I did the only thing I could do. I moved out of state and stayed with my grandparents for awhile. They decided to come out of retirement and take over the pastoring of another church which is six hours away. My aunt lived here but after 19 years of a sexless marriage she divorced her husband just in time to find out he was gay. My family all live out of state now and most of them are very religious. What few friends I had before I started seeing my girlfriend have slowly drifted away. Most of them were single and wanted to go out all the time, which I can no longer keep up with. The others were people that wanted more than friendship from me and they disappeared after I made it clear that my girlfriend had exclusive rights to my lady parts. So now I have no friends except those which were her friends first and my family has no desire to help their embarrassing lesbo relative. Our friends all think the world of her. She would give them the shirt off her back if they needed it. She is funny, charming, and loyal to them. Even if she is in a horrible mood, stomping and yelling at us, throwing things and slamming doors, she becomes happy, funny, and charming in seconds if someone knocks on the door. In short, I have nowhere to go.

The problem with all that is that for over a year now, she has been withholding sex for weeks or months at a time for a wide variety of reasons. I have heard it all. No really! ALL!!
She is tired.
She is stressed.
She had a hard day at college.
She had a hard day at work.
She has a stuffy nose.
She has a headache.
She has heartburn.
The kids are getting on her nerves.
She has gained too much weight.
She doesn't want to feel like she HAS to have sex with me.
She has hormone problems, like too much testosterone or androgen.
I make her feel trapped when I try to hug, kiss, or cuddle her.
If I would just relax and stop trying, she would feel like having sex more often.
She is mad at me so she needs a few days or weeks to get over it and feel like she trusts me enough to have sex.
She just isn't in the mood.

Don't get me wrong, we do have sex. Every three to six weeks she will have sex with me during which she carefully goes through the motions while sighing, moving as little as possible, and trying to get me off as quickly as she can. She barely even attempts to participate in any foreplay and then she tries to make me ****** so fast that it usually just starts to hurt so I fake a finish so we can be done. I know she is good in bed when she wants to be.. She used to be utterly fantastic! I take comfort in the fact that she will cuddle me for awhile afterward, but even that has become scarce as she would prefer to smoke a cigarette, turn over, and get to sleep. Now she is telling me she need a few months of no sex and of me not "pressuring" her to kiss, hug, or cuddle me.

I am not supposed to talk about the problems we have. If I bring up sex, then she gets "frustrated" because we have already spoken about it. She never gets mad because she feels like she is above that. If I say that I want affection from her, she will point out that she gave me a kiss. Of course, if I point out that it was beyond brief and she waited until I asked for it the third time and gave it to me while rolling her eyes or just staring dead at me like she was a statue, she cries and says that nothing she does is enough for me.

I am not supposed to cry because it angers her or causes her to shut down.

I am not supposed to get angry because she can't take me being upset and doesn't want to live that way. She usually punctuates that statement by looing for her keys and threatening to leave.

After any undesirable emotion on my part, she shuts down for hours, days, or possibly weeks and won't talk to me in anything longer than two to three word sentences. She gives me cold blank stares, and when I ask if she is ok, (often, I am unsure what, if anything, I did) she replies, "What did I do wrong now?" , as if I am holding her to some impossibly high standard. I am learning to just leave her alone, but the more I leave her alone, the more she needs space.

She doesn't want to go to counseling because she feels she already knows everything they will say. She thinks that I will be told to be more patient, more understanding, and less desirous of sex. She doesn't want to take responsibility for anything. She makes me feel like I am a dirty pervert and a crazy, high-maintenance witch. Sometimes I think maybe I am but nobody else seems to think that about me so then I think maybe I am not, which just makes me feel more crazy. I don't even know who I am anymore.

She is very OCD about everything. Nothing that the kids or I do is good enough, clean enough, organized enough, etc. Yesterday, my little girl who has ADHD and bipolar disorder was tapping her foot and wiggling in her chair and she almost sent her to bed for not being able to sit still. My eight year old son was chewing with his mouth open one time and was made to put his plate on the floor, where I had to intervene so she didn't make him eat with his face in his plate like a dog. She will ground them from all toys, books, and tv for a month at a time because they make a bad grade or don't do the dishes well enough. Everything they say is taken as disrespect and angers her. If I try to intervene, she gets even more critical and mean. She sold their Wii because they enjoyed playing it too much and she felt they needed to not focus on it so much. She didn't buy it for them, but felt she had the right to sell it. They have no other game systems and I am not able to buy one for them.

She is not completely without merit. She is thankful to me for the little things I do, like make coffee, iron her clothes, or pack her lunch. She has definitely made both my daughter and I more organized. She does go out on occasional date nights with me. She works very hard to support us, especially since I lost my job two weeks ago. She doesn't cheat on me or physically abuse us. She would never leave me unless I were to cheat on her or become abusive toward her. She is dependable and I know we won't be hungry or homeless with her. Having gone through this before, I am not eager to repeat it. Security is a powerful thing to offer someone in my situation.

We are supposed to get married in a little over a year. I am terrified that if I marry her, we will be stuck in a sexless, tense, and horrible marriage. If I tell her I don't want to get married, I could end up homeless again without a penny to my name.

Please, if you have any suggestions on how to cope with this, fix it, or at least make it tolerable, post them freely. I need all the help I can get.

Leave, immediately! Don't walk, run! Your story resonates with me on many levels, a marriage where I felt like showing any feelings or doing things that she doesn't like is bad! I left an year ago, and feel great, had the best time of my life since! (even with the almost constant phone abuse, shouting, talking to people behind my back, telling me straight in the face "I would like you to die", etc, etc.) I have an 8 year old daughter. Check know you're a woman, however your description of your situation above seems eerily similar to many of the ones I read there! Hope all goes well for you. Your partner is abusing you, leave now.

If you'd like,PM/ping me, your situation is very similar to what mine was. Hopefully I can help with advice or at least reality check. You're not crazy, and you're a loveable person.

if She is holding out before your married its only gonna get worse later, its time to go, I have been stuck in this kind of relationship for 20 years and every time I try to take care of my needs even if its just by looking at her I get called a Rapist. I am tired of it

I am a lesbian and I'm living in a very similar situation. I've been told by various people to consider the phenomena of "Lesbian Bed Death," and that many lesbian relationships last forever without sex. But like the first post in this thread said, refusing and withholding sex is emotional abuse. The only difference here in your situation is that it seems like she has carefully isolated you and taken control of almost every aspect of your life. If it was just the sex, I would say wait a little while (without getting married) and see what happen, then make an informed, rational decision that is based on boundaries. But there is so much more here with your kids and the isolation. Find a way to leave if you already haven't.

1 More Response

Sex is such a small part of a relationship between husband and wife, but also such an important one. Unfulfilled sexual needs/desires can cause so many other issues to explode. Sex can be a fantastic foundation to support a good marriage, or a catalyst to destroy a bad one.

Mother-in-law says she knows plenty of couples that don't have sex and I should be ok with it. And because she is diabetic, "she can't live alone," is added as some added kind of guilt trip. I'm guilty of not walking away a long time ago, but now I'm stuck due to a failed business & financial situation. I really care about these people, but this not what I signed up for!

You are the only one responsible for your life, and your choices. That having been said, you can't allow anyone to 'guilt' you into staying in an unhealthy, sexless relationship. You will remain miserable, and if you marry, the legal entanglements and more time invested in it will make it even worse. And harder to walk away than it is now. The sooner you cut ties (if it can't be reconciled successfully), the better off you'll be. Yes, you will hurt. But not as much as hurting this way, every day.

Thank you so much for writing this! So well put and is exactly how I feel! How it feels! I have suffered this for years now. I don't want to bash on women but times sure have changed and now us men are at the mercy of our women to decide our very happiness, self worth, self esteem, mood and balance, ect! I guess all I can say to that is I wish women knew/cared that by denying us regular loving mutually satisfying sex is the end result is "You get what you pay for" so hope they don't wonder why their man is floundering at work and home, fighting depression and moody as hell out of rejection and anger. he is being held back from being all he can be and I don't think women realize this and the whole picture. then wonder why he is distant, not happy and the man she first met(when their sex was out of this world) or the man she wants him to be! men are programmed to have and need sex. it's not our fault! in today's society it's become the brunt of many a woman joke or complaint. it just drives me crazy that they don't say yes more often when it's a win/win proposition. I make damn sure my woman is satisfied every time! that in turn makes me so happy and further turns me on and then we have great sex. WOMEN LISTEN UP! YOUR HURTING YOURSELVES JUST AS MUCH BY SAYING NO. YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR IN A RELATIONSHIP!

I have sex with my husband quite often, I do love him but I HATE SEX it does not make me feel close, as a matter of fact I am angry that this is what I HAVE to do for him to love me.Why can't he just love me the way I love him? I could love him no matter what because of who he is as a person. I give him sex when he wants it, but I am sad because he needs sex to love me. I get nothing out of sex and I pretend just because I don't want to hurt him. I have tried to enjoy and/or get what so many others seem to get but I don't. I feel so filthy when he ********** I really don't want him in me. I feel so invaded. I am so sad that I don't even want to touch myself "down there" I need to know what it is that I am suppose to feel. I really love this person but I don't need his penis "in me" to feel that. It really grosses me out!!!! I really don't get why people do this? I really want to know and I do it in hopes of getting something out of it. My husband says he loves making love to me. I don't get why? I feel so awful during sex.Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect


I strongly suggest you research love languages and what makes a man as well woman tick. He doesn't love you because you have sex with him. He has sex and wants sex because that is how he feels loved by you. Sure, hugs and kisses are nice, but that emotional closeness for him doesn't peak unless there is physical intimacy. You are seeing it as he needs to show his love via sex... While that might be part of it, he truly needs to feel your love and appreciation via sex. The fact that you don't want to have sex with him is probably very obvious to him and is probably doing damage to your marriage that you will not see until it is too late.

Just to be clear... The "Maintenance Sex" you are giving him is not good for the marriage at all.

I strongly suggest that you:

- Go to a marriage counselor together or separate... What ever it takes.
- Find a Therapist that specializes in sexual disfunction, body issues, etc
- See your OBYGN about body chemistry/hormonal issues.

Can it be fixed? I don't know. It can be made better? Maybe.

The question to ask yourself is whether or not you would be sexual in a new relationship with another man or not. If they answer is no, then you need real help or you need to let your husband go so that he can be happy with another woman if he chooses.

If the answer is yes, then you and your husband have some work to do to get things worked out. Goods Luck!

Ardnuaz2; The fact that you feel filthy & gross during sex makes me worry that you may have suffered emotional, physical, or sexual abuse at some point in your life. It's very unhealthy to continue having sex if you become angry & hateful from it.
I was the victim of felony sexual assault from age 7 until 10 when I finally had the courage to tell my parents that my Dads best friend was abusing me. Many victims of child sexual abuse suffer from life-long emotional trauma. When a child is sexually assaulted, the predator has in reality, essentially murdered whomever the adult was that the child could have become. No matter how well a person copes with the abuse or how well they overcome it, they will never again be the same person. It effected my self-confidence & self-esteem. The neighbors, who had been told by my parents to make sure their children hadn't been victimized by the predator, upon learning of my sexual abuse, called me names, beat me up, called me ugly, stupid, & much worse. I was beat up by bullies on several occasions, the last time by 4 neighborhood boys. My Dad was fit to be tied, & he went and had a "discussion with their fathers about respecting women & how their sons would never again put their hands on his daughter", & he enrolled me in Taekwondo. I became a black-belt, but never got over insecurities of being ugly & stupid & I dropped out of school. Many sexually abused girls suffer low self-esteem, low self/confidence, insecurities, become over or under achievers, turn to substance abuse, self-destructive/physically harming themselves, promiscuity, or are unable to enjoy a loving healthy sexual relationship. Mine was insecurity, low self esteem/confidence. I dropped out of H.S.
I don't know if you were victimized as a child, but as a L&D/Pediatrics Nursing Supervisor, I recognize some of the things you said as being classic for survivors of child sexual abuse. (I don't know if that applies to you, but it may help anyway). However, if it does, by allowing it to effect your ability to enjoy a normal, natural loving, healthy adult sexual relationship, you are continuing to allow the abuser to maintain power over you. You were victimized when you had no control over it, but by allowing it to interfere with your marriage & sexual relationship with your husband, the abuser continues to victimize and overpower you.
If this applies to you, please seek counseling for both you and you & your husband together. If you were transparent about your aversion to physical intimacy before you were married and you both understood & agreed that an a-sexual marriage and life was acceptable, & you have no desire to rectify the situation, then that's fine.
However, it is extremely unfair to your husband if he didn't understand and agree to a lifetime married someone who would prefer celibacy. He needs to attend counseling for open and honest communication with you about both of your feelings on the issue, so he can make an informed decision about his future. He needs to be able to make an informed decision on his future and the future of your marriage.
His choices are 1)if he's willing to live his life in an a-sexual marriage wit a partner who has no desire for sex due to emotional issues that you have no intention of working through or addressing, or 2) if he's comfortable continuing to have "duty/pity-sex" with someone who becomes physically disgusted by having sex with him (which will only cause painful feelings of resentment and hostility on your part, not to mention a continued feeling of being used against your will, b/c if you're having sex even though you don't want to, it may not be without your consent, but it's still against your will). Otherwise he has to decide if he's going to 3) stay committed to the marriage to help you address your emotional trauma and work through your feelings of anger and disgust in hopes of being able to some day have a healthy, mutually enjoyable relationship. But he has to be made aware of your true feelings b/c it's not good for you or fair to him.
Whatever the reason, whether or not you suffer continued emotional trauma from a history of past sexual abuse, the effects of being raised to be sexually repressed & feeling dirty about any contact "down there", or a simple hormonal imbalance; you're unable to comprehend how a loving, healthy, physically intimate sexual relationship can help your relationship transcend from a happy partnership to a fulfilling spiritual connection creating an unbreakable bond shared by the two of you. You ask why you have to have sex with him, why he can't just be happy going through life in an a-sexual partnership with you. Because that would make you best friends and room mates, & it sounds as if he loves and adores you and wants to enjoy the transcendence of a beautiful spiritual connection with you.
Please take care of yourself emotionally, physically, & spiritually. You have a beautiful, loving soul and you don't deserve unhealthy, painful feelings dragging you down, drowning you soul. Please seek help to learn the tools to let go of the pain so you can break free of being a victim and let your soul soar. Best wishes for a lifetime of blessings.

I never considered it what you pay for, I considered it what I gave up just to have a wife that always said not this time, then to find she is getting what she needed elsewhere. I was put in a stress center after a boy friend of hers decided I needed a humiliation because I am now crippled, I caught him bringing her home, trapped them in the drive and wanted to ask what happened next, my wife begged to take this discussion off the street and I accepted this option, I cleared the drive and followed them into the house when he decided to sweep my cane dropping me to the floor, I was still holding my cane and I got myself sat up, he stood there almost doubled over laughing and saying how pathetic
I was angry about the discovery of the affair, this was a fact, but when he swept my cane and called me pathetic I thought about the decades I still had feeling in my legs, provided for her welfare, I lost it, My cane was made by me to support my hight, its a 4 and a half foot long red oak straight cane that weighs about 5 pounds, I made it to help me get enough support me upright three years before and it has turned my upper body into a very strong, area even though MRSA took the feeling in my legs. I took the rubber tip of my cane and threw it as hard as I could from a sitting position, my wife was trying to push him out of the house, but he still had a scull fractured when it hit, I was intending it to hit both of them, I was still very angry when I pulled myself over beside him and every time he woke up and tried sitting up I would hit him asking who is pathetic now. I was placed in a stress center for anger management and two weeks later sent home to find my wife getting ready to go with a friend of my fathers, I frankly despised to a political fund raiser, I put my foot down that night, it was hard, but I took my rights s a husband after she tried to promise or beg her way out of seeing to my needs over everyone else, She said when I told her she was not going I will tell you what, I will go to the event because I promised your father and his friend, after words we will meet anywhere you want we will get your mother and father to meet us there to and we will get everything worked out to all satisfactions, I considered my mother and father a part of my sexless life and said I have provided your food, housing, comforts, for thirty one years they have nothing in this, she was my wife and was going to act like it, she took off for the door and I said I paid for this ripping her dress off, she knew i was not waiting another minute and begged please not like this. I did what I wanted, I think her resistance made her sore, When I finished the man that was going to take her was hammering on the door and was surprised when I answered, he said he was coming in to hear what my wife said about going , I said I wanted a badge and warrant, He said I work in the mayors office I don't need one and tried forcing me to let him in, I was pretty much braced and grabbed him by the neck, saw my fathers car pulling into the drive and threw him at the windshield my father stopped very fast and I missed, my fathers friend slammed face first in the drive, my father stepped out of his car crying, looked at me like I was the devil incarnate. My mother got out of the passenger side and was totally white, she asked what my fathers best friend was doing here, and saw I was furious and scooted past me to find out what happened from my wife who was sitting in the bedroom crying. The sat and talked for two hours as my father took his friend to the hospital, 23 sutures and two days observation were required.
I was still sitting on the porch two hours later when my father came up and started in on me, telling me a real man would not have done what I did the last two weeks, no man resorts to violence to resolve his anger to what was done to him and what he was denied in life, I just said and areal father does not use a sick wife to get his son to work on a job and shift he hates so his friends brats can get what they wanted then use shotguns to force that son into working the days they required which was everyday but six for 31 years. My father said a real man does the work that's needed without making others work in his place even if they had less time than him. things have degraded since my father and two more of his friends hurt, my wife does not say no now, and I guess I am evil for forcing the issue,
My father says my rebellion has torn things apart after I turned myself in for marital rape, I took scanned copies of he journals from the last 32 years, when my father and my wife went in to see charges filed the DA, asked my wife if what was in her journals true, She admitted everything was, He called a women's advocate in and let her read several days of entry's and she said even if they took it to trial they would be lucky to even get close to a coviiction after the journals where placed into evidence because in her own hand she admitted to being part of a conspiracy to deny civil rights as written in her own hand.
My father asked how can a white man be denied civil rights, the DA said just like any other man, my father came out to where I live now, cry's that everything I have done has forced so much change back to where he thinks I call home, people required a certain number of days of in a year, seniority rights strictly enforced, and the local sheriff and police departments monitored on types of calls they receive and respond to.
my father maintains I did not have the right to cause such a drastic change in society as it stands there, I saw it as my duty , because no body should ever be subjected to my life, maybe the violence that occurred when I took the society that my father and wife wanted on, My father thinks my destruction of the way the powers that be on and beat them was a very wrong thing to do but when that society s built with special privilege for a few, I think that is wrong.

To all those that live this life I wish a merry Christmas, I hope that the hardened hearts of those you want to be with the most to thaw, I hope in this season they see the harm they do to their spouse by denying their needs and love, good tidings to all.

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Ok so I'm a gay man and I have been with my partner for almost 3 years now and in the three years ive penetrated him 4 times, because it pains him too much.
I don't know what to do beaches I love him but I'm only young (20) and he is my first proper boyfriend and I feel like I've been cheated out of the fun a relationship carries, I know this is wrong but I have though of going with other men to fufil the urge to have sex.
If someone could give me advice that would be great I feel so lost

20 years ago I accepted that my wife suffered from physiological problems that often made intercourse uncomfortable, even painful. Whenever she was in pain I would gently and sensitively end our lovemaking, never once making her feel embarrassed, unloved or unwanted.Twelve years ago after a total hysterectomy we thought things would get better. Instead she lost her libido and I again accepted that our sex life would be curtailed. I remained loyal and understanding throughout, never pressuring her, never demanding sex.Ten years ago she admitted to withholding sex, using it as a weapon, angered that I returned to college to finish my degree. At some point she promised sex when I returned to working full-time. The job came, the sex didn't. Not only did sex become a memory, nearly all physical intimacy came to an end. I found myself asking for things as simple as a kiss or a hug. Excuses came and went...her back hurt, she's tired. The other day she told me that sex made her back hurt, forgetting the other excuses she proffered over the years. I'm not an unattractive man, overweight yes but not obese. Even in my teens and inexperienced, I was an attentive, sensitive and generous lover, qualities that carried over to adulthood. I've remained faithful and loyal to my wife despite the near-total lack of intimacy and total absence of sex in our marriage. Notice that I made a distinction between intimacy and sex. You can experience one without the other. Alas, my wife, for reasons I may never know fails to recognize the psychological damage she's inflicted on a sensitive, loving caring man. She doesn't have a lover and I'm not wealthy so I'm left to wonder what her motives are. Our friends think she's wonderful, and indeed she can be. But when it comes to sex and intimacy she is in denial, exposing a cold, soulless side no one but me sees.

I thought at first it was my wife's mental problems that caused the loss of sex in our marriage, I was even assigned a guardianship by the state the first two days after coming home from the navy, this prevents me ever getting a divorce unless she disappears for six months, but that is not possible for her, When I tried to disappear they chased me down and forced e home within a day.
After reading her journals however I found she saw to her sexual needs while keeping me like a euniuce. My father said today why couldn't I have just been what everyone wanted, he said a real man could have controlled his urge for sex, but you raped your wife last year, all while she was begging to talk it out to every ones sartisfaction and now nobody's satisfied except you, he said if you had been willing to talk things out like she asked that night there was the possibility you would have been having a marriage without fear, I said a possibility as long as you had me under your thumb right. He said we could have asked you to forgo your marital rights for at least another year let everyone up easy but you dropped everyone in a pit and used a flamethrower against them, all because we asked you to give up things in your life for others, I said, you did not ask me to give up some things, you forced me. you used blackmail, force with a shotgun, and threats about getting me arrested by planting drugs. just so you could be looked on as the nice guy in the community and hear them say how good I was for giving my time so their kids could have the time. I restated my position. you owe 32 years of life now, I could care less about your friends, for they owe too. I took what my wife owes yes, but that's because I paid her way for 32 years through life and was refused 31 of those years, I know I ran roughshod over everyone she and my father had help them and the men she was with in that time I made sure had family troubles of their own.
I told my father yesterday I had to take what was due me because it wasn't offered, If I had not showed up on that day I would have sat at home with her gone until the next morning again and this time it was my rules. I am considered the cold soulless one now. I don't even want any compromise with any one. I am the master in my home and brook no interference outside of my marriage from any one. my father said I ruined his life, he said I had friends until you decided you had enough, you ruined family's, bodies, many year friendships and marriages, and got a lot of people in bad trouble when you would not keep your trap shut, for what, because we forced you to be the go to man for work, and would not let the crybaby have a day off for 31 years, He said that there are people that owe their life to work , you felt you were not one of these people, so you had to be forced for the good of all. now look at you, you are despised as a Satan, somebody that would spite on an offered hand in friendship for past wrongs, and want to make sure everyone is as miserable as you were,
I never spit n the hand that was offered in friendship, yes my fathers best friend can't we just be friends and let by gones be by gones on memorial day when he planed to take my wife out for after dinner drinks and clubbing till the next morning. I felt at that time he was my fathers invited guest, I let him stay for the cookout and did not thro the horses rear at the moon, but when my father handed him the reservation tiket with his and my wife's name on it my father said you are not invited, she will be home by 6 tomorrow morning, I flew of the handle. told every one that the only person that will escort my wife is me, made my fathers friend turn the reservation over to me, he ran for his life and my father ended the evening backhanded across my kitchen after he slapped me saying it was a needed lesson in manners. I taught the lesson that night.
I know in this day and age those that are not in line with the people that are at the top of our society, are considered rude and unmannered. Well consider me a rude and unmannered person. Any thing that I could do to destroy that society I did. Told one sitting congressman to his face that I knew the net thing was to go after Saddam Hussan. I said to him five days after 9/11 that it was going to be an excuse to invade Iraq and also said that would be a grave error. I said I know he is a monster but the Monster we needed to go after was Ossama Bim Laden. my father said there was not a shred of proof he was involved, three days later we started another war in Affganastan to chase down Osama and get rid of the regiem that sheltered terrorists. I did feel this was justified but also said he went someplace else. But in Iraq we left a vaccum in hands that were not qualified to lead the anti terror forces in that country. Now we pay with the creation of ISIL.
According to many I was totally in the wrong when I finally became so tired of being refused my rights in my marriage that I took what I felt was due out of my wife's hands, I decided that night she was going to start being a real wife, I know it was her mental illness that my father and his friends used to keep me doing as they wished, we were both used, Me to be the go to for work, my wife to be the ornament on those that are without morals and want everyone to be at their feet doing as they want, I will not be sorry for taking the system they liked and put it in the trash. I wont be sorry for proving that many of these so called poise church going men and women, that many of them are the worst sinners in the group, many atheist had more morals.
I took what was due me, I no longer allow myself to be used, and I reclaimed my freedom, rights and some of my self worth. I ask if there was any other way I could have handled my situation and what any one else would have done when a piece of state ordered paper bound me for life to a woman that was easily influenced by others. I feel my reaction was pretty mild, I have not killed any one yet. I will never be subjugated to the will of anyone else ever again

Amen. Now if only 90% of the women out there that withold sex in their marriages thought this way there would be far less divorces.


You put your finger on the wound and started healing it with this article. I have been married to my wife for 20 years and we have 3 children 19, 16, and 13 year old. Since day one of our marriage my wife was not too hot about sex. She then started to find all sorts of excuses to avoid intimacy. The next phase she was using sex as a way to get me do what she wants. When her menopause came and her long periods stopped, I thought, at least now she can't use periods as an excuse to deprive me from sex for 2 weeks in a month, but her lidibo went right down and sex has become occasional and less and less frequent and when it happened, it was like her waiting for me to finish a chore so that she can get on with watching her favourite TV programs. Now for 3 months there was no intimacy between us whatsoever. Not even a hug or a kiss and whenever I comeback from work I find her angry and putting up a grumpy face. I pride myself for never being violent to her or anyone of my children, I work very hard to keep the family afloat, even her girl friends tell her how much I am dependable and always helpful, I take her on holidays, we go as a family on days out, we eat out, I look after my children. I tried to speak to her many times about how I feel , but she says sex is not important, she even calls sex "that thing" as if it was a sware word or something tabou or dirty. I am a man of very high sex drive and these 3 months have been like hell to me. I feel I am in a worse situation than a single man in his 50s. A single man can go out to look for women with no remorse, but as married man, if I do that I will be called a cheat, a slapper, and so on. To be frank I almost went that route and I even kissed another women, but stopped it at the kiss as I felt guilty.
If I divorce, my wife will ruin me by taking the house I worked for all my life when she was not working and watching all tv programs.
My wife even told me to marry another women as I am a muslim and my religion allows it, but I didn't want to do that because I love my children and I can't support 2 households financially.
please help me with your advise as I am lost and I don't know what to do.
I read here that some women are living this situation with their husband, for me it is the other way round.
This situation meant that the only option I have is to maturbate at the age of 50. I am ashamed to say it, but what other option do I have?

Don't feel embarrassed as you have no choice. I emphasize with your situation since, like you, I love my wife. Stay strong.

Maybe someone can help me some. I have been married for almost 5 years to a recovering alcoholic. I went thru so much emotionally in the first several years due to his drinking, emotional abuse was abundant. He finally stopped a little over a year ago but now all of the underlying issues are coming up. He will scream at me, threaten divorce, and blame everything on me..... the kicker? Afterwards he wants sex. And if I'm not into it or don't want it, the circle starts all over again. He has told me that not wanting sex is emotionally abusive to him and that I'm wrong for it. I have been researching for days but nothing covers my problem. I feel as if my life is falling apart and the only thing he is worried about is making sure he gets his. I really hope someone has some further insight.

That's awful : (

Both are wrong. As the author said, with holding and refusing is an abusive behaviour. It's about control and punishment for what he has done wrong. He is wrong as well, screaming name calling, etc is abusive behaviour as well.

I'm not withholding tho, I just can't honestly give him the emotional response that he wants. I have fully explained myself to him, and unless I have a migrane or am physically ill, make myself available.

It is wrong (emotionally abusive) to withhold sex in a loving relationship for a long periods of time with no reason. It is also wrong (emotionally abusive) to expect sex after a fight or negative confrontation, without proper reconciliation (by reconciliation I mean a sincere and compassionate apology, attempt to provide comfort or compensation for the caused hurt. "Sorry, lets have sex" is not a proper reconciliation). You're being very loving and selfless but he needs to reciprocate. Read this article, hopefully it will help you both:
Also, alcoholism is not the problem, it is only the symptom of a bigger problem stemming from the past (usually childhood). He needs to find out why was he drinking and deal with the problem, because he might direct his anger at you (lethal for the marriage).

1 More Response

Been going on over 2 years I think it's away for my spouse to control manipulate then poor me syndrome

I had 18 years of no sex yes it hurt and he abused me in other ways. Sex is not everything you have a choice stay or go. I used to ask why then saw it gave him satisfaction if I moaned. I just never spoke of it. That he hated, now he is old I have left, i got the normal no one will want you. That's why Ive found the most sexual and intimate relationship now.

i just read this to my partner and he got so mad that he kicked the phone out of my hand! i know he is sexual, because i have a friend who knew him well, and, apparenly, he'll have sex with anyone, but me! it truly was one of the most painful situations ive ever encountered , and ive been thru every kind of abuse there is! sadly, he made me become ugly...its like, i manifested his will upon me, because im not ugly! in fact, my pain problem in the past was men using me for sex because im sexy. well, not anymore, but i learned alot about myself thru this...i learned that i deserve to be respected, no matter what anyone says or thinks, or tells me. and the next time i date, and a boundary is crossed, there is no need to voice my concern and hope he changes, but cut ties, and cut them without any explanation being made. people know how to treat someone they respect and value, so if they mess up, they dont care, and whether it be because they dont care about themselves, or just you... its not your problem, but theirs, and if you make t your problem, it will be!

Ouch! Best of luck going forward and I hope you find a partner you deserve.
Having the phone kicked out of your hand in anger is a major red flag to me.

I just read your post regarding a sexless marriage. I am living in one now. This is my second marriage and we have been married for almost ten years. My first marriage lasted for nearly twenty two years but ended due to my ex-husbands addiction to sex and ***********. The man I am married to now started losing his sex drive shortly after were married and had been going down hill ever since. when I finally brought it up to him he just said he was losing his sex drive. He says he is afraid that it is probably due to lack of testosterone and that is embarrassing to him and he is afraid of the medication they use to treat it. I finally convicted him to go for a physical and they tested his blood. it has taken me up to today for him to go back to get the results. It's September's 4th. I have told him on several occasions that I didn't blame him if he didn't want to take the meds. I just need to know if I am the problem. I have been feeling do rejected and hurt by all this and I have started not to trust him anymore. I love him with all my heart but it is starting to break. Anyone have any suggestions? Please help!

Great to know its others going through the same problems. It's been a year no intimacy sex kissing nothing. Lonely and I'm in a 12 year marriage not getting better I love them but I love myself more and this sexless marriage is driving me insane... I'm sexually frustrated

Spot on...

Thanks for sharing. It is abuse and took me years to realize that.

it makes me cry, I'm in this situation right now and I cant get out because I do not have the strength I need

Fear is what we imagine it to be, Four years ago I was told I was never going to rise out of a wheel chair, I have nothing but pins and needles from the top of my leg's down. , I spent the first seven months fearing to try and stand for more than a few seconds, from bed to chair. then I thought why fear the fall you just have to figure out how to get up myself. Spent the next two years using a walker, hurt every time I used it but I used it, then I carved my cane, I went home using it just to find out my wife was having an affair with an old BF, he thought because I was a cripple I needed to fear him, I admit my anger overrode my best judgment. I put the jerk in ICU the next two week I was told to fear my anger because it is to much for other people to understand, I use my anger, I fear nothing now, my father, his friends, my wife, I don't even fear death, been there twice. so ask yourself what you have to fear, the taking back of your life, the loss of prestige, the embarrassment, or do you fear the gain of your self worth.

This is ****** up in so many ways.

This post helped me so much. Explained my feelings exactly. Thanks for sharing...I don't feel alone.

Thank you so much for your enlightenment on this subject. I have been I have been in this type of relationship for 6 years & its time for me to move on with my life

I was in a sexless relationship too... I decided that the only solution was to exit the marriage. It was the right choice for me. Pls take a look at my profile, and then consider adding me to your circle. Thx.

I forced my husband to be sexless for a very long time. He was not given many options in his life either. Last Year he became very tired of the situation and decided one evening it was going to be his way, I was supposed to do a favor for his father and go with someone to a political funding dinner, but before I was pick up my husband said said he was owed 31 years.. He did not give me a choice, I am not refusing him any more but I am finding out what his father meant all those years ago. My husband has become extremely violent in the protection of his rights, If I refuse or try to go out with others he insists on being at my side, I say its none of your business he says. IT IS HIS BUISNESS IF I AM UNDER HIS ROOF. If he is backed off by force he shows up and does not give anyone a chance to defend themselves. He tears into them, that is what happened Saturday, His father wanted him and several of his friends to have a private conversation with me about how to get my husband to be coopertative on Labor day, They threatened him with a pair of unloaded pistols to let me go with them, He showed up where we were talking and without warning waded into everyone with his cane swinging. These were the eight and ninth men he hurt bad in the last 14 years, he always has proof that others start the dustup. But it is getting intolerable for everyone to tell him something in his home is none of his business and he makes it his business, any one with the slightest manners if they are told even in their own home that they are not welcome usually would step out, but not my husband. If I say no to sex as a punishment now he takes me and pushes me out the door. It would not matter if I was without a stich on, He says, I don't have a say in it any longer. he says I don't have a right to ask him to leave his house any more, He tells his own father to get out of his life. and enforces his will by being physical.
I am majorly confused. The police wont do anything because my husband is now recording everything except the bathrooms and the bedroom. He has no trust that anyone might be trying to help him. How violent can a man become in the protection of his rights, Can he allow himself to be so callous he cares nothing that others might need some thing that might require him to just go away for several hours that he just makes life hell.
My mother and his mother are both standing behind my husband. We did keep him from his rights for three decades, But is that an excuse after so many years to destroy what is expected of him now.

I guess my wife did not notice I was still signed in. What she says above is true I don't trust any one is doing things for my own self worth. I don't care that somebody just went through a nasty divorce, Its not my need to be nice to them by letting my wife go and console him. If he wants sympathy he can wright on here. Usually a man that has been married three or four times is a man I consider to be without morals. In a way I think I might be lucky that the state wont allow a divorce. I have a wider decision making latitude now. Yeah I know that I am leaving jerks bleeding and broken. Making people of influence and power angry that I hold them to the same standard I was held to. But the application of pain is a real function for a rebel. If you make them hurt enough they either go completely of their gimbal and start banging on the wall. Or they learn, they wont be an influence any longer.
I received pain at their hands for so long that might be all I know about now. I don't care what is expected of me, I expect that there are some very witless people now. My bi polar wife is about to go back to a mental ward. She keeps trying to go off her meds, my father thinks he is going to make me feel bad because he is having chest pains. I say just go to ER. My mother is actually laughing, she says I am showing these AHs that their little theory of if you hold someone down they will become slobbering idiots, So plyable that they would do anything to please, Well I am SO FREAKING SORRY, It did not happen You weren't able to teach me, Guess I have a rock hard head.
I just wonder how far people will go to please others?

It's quite hard to follow the story.. So your wife interrupted all sexual contact for a very long period of time. And your response is violence towards her and everyone that surrounds you.

Why are you still together? neither of you has to stay in a marriage that doesn't fulfill you - it's obvious that there aren't many feelings left between the two of you. You can always start over.. and it can be wonderful again, you can meet someone that will love you the way you've always wanted to be loved.

No matter how damaged the relationship is, it's always extremely difficult to let go,I never could explain why.. The moment people reach the point when they've had enough and should just move on, it seems they become suddenly frozen in the situation for far too long.

Remember you don't own anyone, you can't make rules for others - if you're stubborn and still decide to, jokes' still on you - some will obey, but they will lose all respect for you.. Suddenly you're just sad, lonely and surrounded by people that don't like you. And because mothers / church or whatever, you'll feel like you can't break the cycle.

The only responsibility you have is to yourself - you weren't born on this planet to please your wife/husband or your mother in law. How ******* ironic would that be? "Here, there's an opportunity for you to experience the miracle of life, but make sure you obey whatever delusional rules society /church/ mother imposes on you, so you can end up a sad sad man that was given the chance to be happy and make his own choices but didn't, cause momma know better.."

You need to make sure you're happy, otherwise you've wasted all this time for nothing. if you don't like where you are at this point in your life, start again. let go and start again, it's that simple.

But always be a decent person, don't do harm and don't decline other people of their own happiness.

PS1: the wife said something about you not doing "what is expected of you". nothing is expected from either of you.. who taught you that? I will no do something that makes me unhappy because other people "expect" me to.. You really need to sit down with the wife and discuss things - if neither of you is happy, part ways and that's it. If you decide it's worth saving the relationship, it has to be mutual. Otherwise no matter what you do it won't work.

Even if you have kids, that's not a reason to spend your life together feeling sad, like you've missed all the wonderful things this world has promised but has never delivered for you. Everything is an experience and kids learn from experiences. If you know how to manage the breakup the kids will be fine.

Why would you stay in an unhappy marriage because you can't get a divorce? How is that a problem? You need to realize there are actual people in this world that ARE happy. They're happy, they're in love and they're not letting other people tell them how they should live their lives or what is "expected of them".

We all learn how to make compromises in life, but never compromise your entire life.

PS2: I reread your wife's comment - you really can't force someone to love you, no matter how hard you try. What's even worse is that you're probably making all these efforts to make sure she'd not "distracted" but most likely you stopped loving her a long time ago.

Also, maybe momma bears should mind their own business :)

Try to take the good out of what I wrote and try to make some changes so can be happy as a person. Both of you.

With respect,


My wife did not interrupt a sex life she stopped it for decades. It was for the stupid ideas my father spouted, and yes I am required by the state to stay in the marriage, A guardianship was issued a week after I got out of the Navy, I was not asked I was told because she is a sever bi polar I had to take it. I have tried for a divorce twice and the petition was denied, mostly because I could not raise the money for her permanent care. I cant raise the money for my appeal. so I am stuck in this marriage.
Most of the denial was about keeping control of what I did at work, If I used the rights my seniority would have allowed I was always interfering in some ones life, causing a friend of my fathers or their kid to be doing something I earned my way out of. If I wanted to take a holiday or weekend off, my father and wife thought I needed to consider what everyone around me had plans for, I was not allowed to consider anything for myself. After the only six days off I had in 31 years it happened in July 2001, when I threw up and collapsed at my supervisors feet, then had a hole drilled to the center of my head I knew the amount of consideration others were willing to give me, my wife let my father and three coworkers in to yank me out of bed. My father said his absence is causing havoc at work. he can recover standing up as well as being lazy. I was supposed to be off 60 days. but that afternoon I was standing working, that was the only six days off I saw in 31 years. I saw a chance a month later when the job bid for the new plant went up. I had 23 years seniority at this time, I was sick of second shift I was sick of working 12 hours a day on the dirtiest job in the plant in 125 degree heats. So being the jerk I am I thought Carpe Dium seize the day. Put my 23 years on the bid, the other bidder was the son of a county commissioner, He had eight years, my father spent the next week yelling at me how a political figure like his friend needed family to have certain shifts so they could appear in public together, that was not changing my mind I did not work for the county, my wife promised to normalize our marriage if I stayed put. I told her she had been making the same promise for 16 years, it was not going to happen again. Then they decided strong arm tactics were in order, My father told my wife I was only going to get a little roughed up, Just to humble me, I was a big man I could take it, just make sure I was locked out of the house. I arrived home four men got out of a van and told me I was taking my name off the bid, I asked which of them was the wife to who and they jumped me. They had forgot I held a 3rd dan black belt and was trained in two services. In under a minute four men had to be sent to a trauma center in critical condition, My father showed and was crying why couldn't you have just done what they wanted, I was tired of do what was wanted, after that I was forced to work weekends and holidays with a shot gun in my back. The commissioner told the sheriffs department to stay out of it or lose funding.
That is the reason why I put my foot down. I will never allow myself to be pushed or forced into anything again, everyone else can take a flying leap into the void, My wife can leave anytime she feels, I just was not going to allow myself to be used as her piggy bank any more with out something in return, IF she wants she can take what she bought into the marriage 20000 her bags, put her feet on the street and pick a direction. It would free me. That is spousle abandonment as long as she maintains no contact for six months.
As far as my family is concerned I now live far west, I don't care if my father says another word to me. He did his best to ruin my life, make me a slave. To his friends and their brats.
So one way or another in my house my word stands as law from here on. My wife is crying about this but that's the way it is, if I have to be trapped then I will be like Lucifer. My world my law.

I had better explain there have been five more men hurt. An old BF of my wifes that I caught her in an affair with, He decided that a little humiliation was in order. I was just going to see where things were going when he swept my cane with his foot and started laughing with the comment how pathetic, He was in the hospital for a fractured scull, while I was placed I a stress center for anger management. Two weeks later, I was released. The center notified my father I had been taken home by insurance supplied taxi. I found my wife getting ready to go to a political funding dinner with a friend of my father. I told her she owed 31 years of a marriage and she was not going that night. She took of for the door and I grabbed the dress, I said I paid for it: It was staying leaving her standing in garter belt stockings and heels. She begged to meet after the event any where I wanted, and we would talk things through. I said after you negotiate so long then the talk is done, its time for action and the talk was done a decade ago or more. I did force sex right there, The man that was going to pick her up was hammering on the door yelling they were going to be late. I answered the door and told him she was not coming, he decided to punch me and try and force his way past. He landed face first in front of my father as he pulled in with my mother. my wife was in the bedroom crying and my mother went to talk to her, my father helped his friend to the ER. That's the night my mother was filled in about what happened over the last 31 years, Then memorial day, my father tried to get me to leave before the cookout at my house started, He setup the same friend for after dinner drinks with my wife, this was not agreed by her, but I took his reservation from him my father became angry at my pushing my way into traditions formed over 31 years. He slapped me and earned his reward of a backhand across my kitchen. I escorted my own wife. The fourth was tense but my mother sister and brother put their feet down, Then I finally got all the things I needed to do to sell the house and move west.
My father tried the old tactic of using fire arms to back me off, One of the things I installed for the new owners was a wireless security cam system I was recording to the hard drive, when my father pulled up with two friends want it take my wife for a chat without me in tow. They pointed two pistols at e and just about drug her away. I loaded the vid on a thumb drive and was on my way to the township office to file charges, When I spotted my fathers car at a dinner. I could not help myself, grabbed my cane and went in. I saw the two men sitting side ways to the walk way. I did not give then a chance to pull their weapons. and left them bleeding into their breakfast. My mother, sister and her husband as well as my wife the wives of my fathers friends and my father were there. My mother had been told the reason I did not come was I was not there.
I was cuffed and told the watch officer the reason why I had done what I did was in my pocket with the file name. He put it on his tablet and watched it and released me. This labor day is going to be spent with my sister in law, her husband, my wife's mother my wife, and twenty new friends. They are a hardworking group, they are coming mainly to meet the dudes from back east and welcome us.
Instead of suits and ties there will be boots cowboy hats and jeans, The air here is clear and besides my sister in laws new home there is not another in sight. I have several cousins coming to. I do feel this is the new start. My wife feels that its Siberia. I did get an email from my mother. She says if it was not for my fathers coronary she wanted to come back home to. She says he will never interfere again, but asks if she comes would she be welcome. My answer was yes, even my father would be welcome if he did not try to manipulate.
And I just noticed I never explained the cane and the reason for it, Four years ago I had MRSA in my spine, it caused a slip into the cord crushing it. below my upper legs I have only pins and needles. I took three years to get to this point of walking, The cane is one I made for myself out of red oak. it weighs 13 pounds and is toped with a peuter dragon handle and is about four feet tall. That's what I used on my wife's old boyfriend and the two that held pistols on me.

Oh, by the way I hate the phrase there is always tomorrow. I have had 2 times when the next minute was not even sure, the first was a hole from over my right eye to the center of my head to remove a tumor, causing hydrocephalus, I should not have been alive to be put on the table the pressure in my scull was so high. The next time was when MRSA developed in my spine, I still bear some burns where they had to shock my heart to startup on the table twice. I have come off the pain killers, My back is always spasaming, My legs get errant signals causing them to jerk. But I am still to sit in the corner and shut up, Let my wife be the community girlfriend. Well I refuse on all counts and it people don't like it they can shut their trap or end up with my fist in their teeth in my home.
So as you can tell for me today is the tomorrow that I will wait for. To H with the wish of others.

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