Refusing Sex = Emotional Abuse

Withholding sex in a "loving" relationship is Emotional Abuse. Denying one's partner the bond which cultivates closeness and intimacy with them is Emotional Abuse. Whether their refusal is due to mental illness, passive/aggressive anger or control issues or an underlying reason that even they are not aware of, the act of not even trying to right this wrong is Emotional Abuse. Sex is the glue which holds a relationship/marriage together. It is supposed to be the one thing which separates a couple from just being friends or just being roommates. Denying one's partner sex and sexual intimacy is abuse because it makes their partner feel unwanted, undesired, unworthy, unattractive, unhappy and unfulfilled. It is NOT FAIR. It is NOT WHAT YOU HAD SIGNED UP FOR. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If the refuser doesn't try to deal with their reason for inflicting this devastating blow to their partner's psyche, self-esteem and sense of self-worth, then it is just plain CRUEL and SELFISH. It may make their partner question their self-worth, it may cause depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, lessen their ability to think rationally, create a sense of hopelessness and cause them constant worry. It is crippling. It is emotionally painful.  It indeed hurts.  It drains one's energy, makes them feel like they're fighting a losing battle, and makes them question their own sanity. Again, it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. There has to be a reason; the refused did not cause this.  Even if they did, they cannot begin to right the situation if the refuser refuses to even discuss the matter. The refuser withholds sex and that is not fair and is wrong, very wrong. If they have a problem, whether it be a mental or physical issue or personal reason, they should own up to it and try to get it out and into the open. Not discussing the problem only makes it fester and causes additional problems. I realize and appreciate that every relationship is different and has its own dynamics, but one thing which is very real is that denying one's self and their loved one the pleasure, passion, joy and emotional fulfillment of sexual intimacy is indeed a form of Emotional Abuse and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Good luck to anyone who is in a sexless relationship/marriage.  From my experience, I believe that one can give and give and try to make it work out but it's a no-win situation since there is only one partner who is trying.  Eventually one realizes that there is nothing left to give and nothing left to compromise; they have given all that they are capable of and have already compromised themselves too much.  If one realizes this and sees the situation for what it truly is, they will feel it in their gut, they will know that enough is enough and they will hopefully get the heck out and move on with THEIR LIFE while they still have love for their self.  Sexless Marriage truly sucks.  The emotional abuse truly hurts. Thankfully there are lots of folks on this forum, like me, who have made it to the other side and are living happy and healthy sex lives filled with joy, tenderness and respect.  We've been where you are.  We understand your pain and frustration.  You are not alone.  Good luck to anyone who has experienced or is currently living in this situation.  I hope that things will get better, but if they don't, I hope you will find the courage and inner strength to take care of your self.  Life is way too short to settle for less. 
41-45, F
176 Responses Jul 22, 2010

If he is refusing, then just tie him to the bedpost and screw him! If I had a wife and she tried to withhold sex, I would use the bondage page in my playbook.

My wife refused sex for decades hiding behind she would charge marital rape if I forced it. The whole keep him sexless and unhappy at home was my fathers idea, All because him and his friends wanted me controlled. Well he has lost that control, my wife ended up forced into sex by me.
She did try and file those charges I spoke of, but in my chat with the DA I presented evidence in her own hand about how my life had been stolen from me, the fraud and extortion she committed to keep me from claiming my marital rights, how she used blackmail to ensure that I was nothing more than a slave for 32 years, as well as discussing how she felt after I started not to care about what she, she, my, father, and others took steps after the no sex lost any influence and how my father and his friends forced me to do what they wanted by using firearms to force me into work and other things they wanted.
Well this stuff in Fergusen Missiori, was bought up in yesterdays session with the doctors, This was ordered by FSSA after troubles that happened over the last18 months, my father said the man there thought he should have rights but as you swathe grand jury thought he was to big to be allowed those rights, he said that's why you could not be allowed the rights you had or earned and he said the reason has been amply proved by the way I took them out of his hands my wife's hands this year, My father told me I had to be treated the way I was because I would have used my size, my brain , and my skills to improve my own life at the expense of others and what they wanted in their life, I just asked isn't that the American way. To improve your lot in life with what god gave us, he said you would have used your abilities and rights to robe those in society that were more deserving of their lives for a time, We are now in a time where special priveledg, by birth, social, or political position is considered to be the gauge that decides your life, not experience ,time and ability, I pointed this out and everyone through up their hands on the other end of the teleconference except my mother.
The moderating doctor asked what she thought, She said my son gets his fathers point, just will never agree, I think when a man earns things he should be allowed to use them according to his skills and experience and time under a contract, my father called this morning to watch this thing on HBO with Bryant Gumbal, he said this has been the same reaction with bad sportsmanship I have been using since high school, He said because you wont be a good sport and accept your loss in life you turned every ones life into something you had to crush under foot, including mine, my friends, and anyone that gets in your way now. He said I tried to teach you had to accept you lot in life gracefully, just take what you were given with thanks and no complaint. but you refused to accept what was given, you started taking what you earned, and now everyone is scared to death you will take their life the next time they cross you.
I pointed out that in his and his friends opinion any thing used to win against me was allowed, and that included tying me up to a tree and beating me in my senior year with extension cords then leaving me bleeding all night, what was it you said that next morning, I hope you learned the intended lesson, you are not in charge of your own life, if you just would have said you were sorry you took that position the way you did we would not have beat you until you passed out, but you were so stubborn you refused to even cry, that why we did not stop, now you are still taking your rights, except the field is not the same, you take us on in the best place to embarass us you took your rights fro a woman you should have protected, She is now so scared of you she just automaticaly agrees to any thing you do, you have been rude to my friends, you have hurt use physically and you wont allow any type of negotiation with you, or forgiveness.
I will be truthful, the fact I was left without the sex I wanted in my marriage was the first thing that I resented, if I had had a normal life, I would never have resorted to my rebellion. I might have become a little more agreeable to be asked to take the back seat so to speak. Now I want my father, his friends, and my wife to understand I rule my life and my house, I will never back down one more time, I don't forgive, I don't allow any interference now. I my marriage, in my home, in my life my word is final, everyone else is immaterial in my decisions, I do not permit my wife any social interaction without me with her now, if she is invited everyone better understand my name is also on the invitation, the next time she goes with someone without me I will leave her bags on the front step, with a bus ticket to anywhere I will never go, she goes with what the house sold for and never returns, my father said you know she can't survive on her own and she knows this to.
With the evidence I have I can prove she has actually only been my wife a little over a year even though the licence was issued in 1981. My father said that's so embarrassing to the family, that's embarrassing to your wife and yourself, but when your nickname was monk at work, and people would suggest I tonser my head and put grey robes, wear rosary beads, and whisper about who my wife was out with the last weekend. It could not have been any more embarrassing could it.
Last year when I forced the issue, I took my life back, it put everyone else on my target list. and I know many here would ay I should have had more self control than I did, I guess I could have rented a woman for a night. but that's not why I was married and paid her way through her life for 31 years. If she was not scizo effective by polar the state would not have made it so crazy expensive for her care and would not have
denied a divorce. My father thinks that him and his friends interference in my life was justified for the good of all, of course they are sorry it had to be that way but that's the way life is, Now I have caused the loss of face. in more ways than one, reversed the tide of battle they think I am not being fair to their needs. I just said what about you losing gracefully and accepting the way things are and will be now, the tossed coin is hard to swallow.

I would have taken the needle to prevent someone from doing that do me without my consent. I do not break easily. I am from backwoods Carolina, Old South traditions. Some are good, some not so much. That tradition you described is bad. I know my rights and I will forcefully claim them if I have to. Good luck in your legal trouble, and take an assault rap for once. You deserve to get a few licks in.

In every instance I have hurt someone I have had witnesses or video of their starting the dustup by taking the first shot, Some consider that with my training as a 3rd dan black belt, air assault, air born in the army, then being a qualified nuclear weapons tech and security in the navy has given me an unfair advantage in a fight, I was told by one police officer I was taught never to submit, to adapt, to overcome and get the job done, he said the fact I went through years of isolation and training that sort of cut out any feeling that I should have when I take on others in social face offs, that I feel no remorse when I destroy them after they start something, he said you don't run or get afraid like a normal person, and after you lost feeling in your legs when your spinal cord was crushed you really could care less about staying alive, he said that makes an obstinate person like you hell to be around at times, because others don't like a person that shows no fear, it makes them feel small, underachieving, and to watch a man that was to be confined to a wheel chair the rest of his life, getup and walk, The officer said that makes people even more fearful, your doctors have done enough tests that say you should not be able to. the officer said that you are just so obstinate you wont stay down.
I thank you for your words, my father is from West VA. his father taught him these jerky traditions, the need to punish a disobedient son, even into his adult life, my father found he could get control of a sick woman, my wife, and used her to control me, when I saw the Movie Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, with Eliziabeth Taylor, Paul Newman, and Orson Wells, the way Orson Well acted with Paul Newman, is somewhat how my father acts toward me. My wife doesn't call him daddy but just about acts the same way.
I know that in the bible it says to honor thy mother and father in the commandments, but when does a parent overstep his bounds. When does a son have to start taking his rights out of society's and his fathers hands, I also have to say that my father has always been angry about a relationship I had in the army, I was dating and getting ready to marry a girl that was island born and raised, not of my own race, not black but half Hawian, half Japaness, exotic, smart, and without prejudice, My father with his fathers upbringing was and is a racial purity nut. When he and my mother met her my father spent an hour telling her she was nothing but a disgusting non white girl. Since we were living together at the time my father felt I made myself a dirty person unfit to ever touch another woman. this is the real reason for all the interference in my life, and the fact I don't like special rights for the country club set, I consider my rights as good as theirs, I was with my father one day going to an electronics store, I got a parking place that as right outside when this guy my father knew pulled up and my father told me I had to let him have the space, it was a Coup Devile and the man was a plant manager and vice President of a local company. He turned and told me I hadto get another space farther out because this man wanted it, I said he can take another space I was not moving, this was after I lost feeling in my legs, it was a handicapped spot I was handicapped with a placard, the other man was not, I refused to move and heard about who the guy was I refused to give my spot to, He told my mother and everyone how bad I was.
It was not bad, it was a refusal to think just because he had a big position someplace he had power over me. I don't know how other people here feel but its time to get rid of special rights.

I read this article and these responses with tears welling up in my eyes. I can identify with so much of these statements.

I am a bisexual woman in my 30s. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for two years and two months now. We used to have sex all the time. We would try to watch a movie but couldn't make it to the end without making love. She is intelligent and funny when she wants to be, so our conversations were a wonderful mix of deep philosophical talks, funny stories about our past and heartfelt sharing of our emotions, fears, and hopes. She encouraged me to go back to school and finish my degree program. She was just a few months away from finishing her own degree program, which she has now finished. When my children and I moved in with her, she was a charming and wonderful stepmother to them. She spent time taking them to the park, playing games with them, and helping them with homework. Life seemed perfect.

She decided that she is more responsible with money than I am, which is very debatable, and took on the responsibility of doing all the bills. At the time, I didn't mind. She had never gave me any reason to mistrust her at that point. I started giving her all my money so bills could be paid. In order to save on insurance, I put my car in her name so that our payments would be less expensive. I enrolled in school full-time and took less time at work, which ultimately got me fired due to them needing someone more available. Now I am trying to finish out the last four weeks of this semester before I find another job so I will have more time to offer an employer. In short, I have no access to money, no vehicle that I own, and no job.

I moved to this state several years ago after a bad divorce. I had escaped an abusive marriage and had to stay in a shelter with my children for almost six months. I had to find somewhere to go and I couldn't afford rent and necessities on my hotel maid's minimum wage income. I did the only thing I could do. I moved out of state and stayed with my grandparents for awhile. They decided to come out of retirement and take over the pastoring of another church which is six hours away. My aunt lived here but after 19 years of a sexless marriage she divorced her husband just in time to find out he was gay. My family all live out of state now and most of them are very religious. What few friends I had before I started seeing my girlfriend have slowly drifted away. Most of them were single and wanted to go out all the time, which I can no longer keep up with. The others were people that wanted more than friendship from me and they disappeared after I made it clear that my girlfriend had exclusive rights to my lady parts. So now I have no friends except those which were her friends first and my family has no desire to help their embarrassing lesbo relative. Our friends all think the world of her. She would give them the shirt off her back if they needed it. She is funny, charming, and loyal to them. Even if she is in a horrible mood, stomping and yelling at us, throwing things and slamming doors, she becomes happy, funny, and charming in seconds if someone knocks on the door. In short, I have nowhere to go.

The problem with all that is that for over a year now, she has been withholding sex for weeks or months at a time for a wide variety of reasons. I have heard it all. No really! ALL!!
She is tired.
She is stressed.
She had a hard day at college.
She had a hard day at work.
She has a stuffy nose.
She has a headache.
She has heartburn.
The kids are getting on her nerves.
She has gained too much weight.
She doesn't want to feel like she HAS to have sex with me.
She has hormone problems, like too much testosterone or androgen.
I make her feel trapped when I try to hug, kiss, or cuddle her.
If I would just relax and stop trying, she would feel like having sex more often.
She is mad at me so she needs a few days or weeks to get over it and feel like she trusts me enough to have sex.
She just isn't in the mood.

Don't get me wrong, we do have sex. Every three to six weeks she will have sex with me during which she carefully goes through the motions while sighing, moving as little as possible, and trying to get me off as quickly as she can. She barely even attempts to participate in any foreplay and then she tries to make me ****** so fast that it usually just starts to hurt so I fake a finish so we can be done. I know she is good in bed when she wants to be.. She used to be utterly fantastic! I take comfort in the fact that she will cuddle me for awhile afterward, but even that has become scarce as she would prefer to smoke a cigarette, turn over, and get to sleep. Now she is telling me she need a few months of no sex and of me not "pressuring" her to kiss, hug, or cuddle me.

I am not supposed to talk about the problems we have. If I bring up sex, then she gets "frustrated" because we have already spoken about it. She never gets mad because she feels like she is above that. If I say that I want affection from her, she will point out that she gave me a kiss. Of course, if I point out that it was beyond brief and she waited until I asked for it the third time and gave it to me while rolling her eyes or just staring dead at me like she was a statue, she cries and says that nothing she does is enough for me.

I am not supposed to cry because it angers her or causes her to shut down.

I am not supposed to get angry because she can't take me being upset and doesn't want to live that way. She usually punctuates that statement by looing for her keys and threatening to leave.

After any undesirable emotion on my part, she shuts down for hours, days, or possibly weeks and won't talk to me in anything longer than two to three word sentences. She gives me cold blank stares, and when I ask if she is ok, (often, I am unsure what, if anything, I did) she replies, "What did I do wrong now?" , as if I am holding her to some impossibly high standard. I am learning to just leave her alone, but the more I leave her alone, the more she needs space.

She doesn't want to go to counseling because she feels she already knows everything they will say. She thinks that I will be told to be more patient, more understanding, and less desirous of sex. She doesn't want to take responsibility for anything. She makes me feel like I am a dirty pervert and a crazy, high-maintenance witch. Sometimes I think maybe I am but nobody else seems to think that about me so then I think maybe I am not, which just makes me feel more crazy. I don't even know who I am anymore.

She is very OCD about everything. Nothing that the kids or I do is good enough, clean enough, organized enough, etc. Yesterday, my little girl who has ADHD and bipolar disorder was tapping her foot and wiggling in her chair and she almost sent her to bed for not being able to sit still. My eight year old son was chewing with his mouth open one time and was made to put his plate on the floor, where I had to intervene so she didn't make him eat with his face in his plate like a dog. She will ground them from all toys, books, and tv for a month at a time because they make a bad grade or don't do the dishes well enough. Everything they say is taken as disrespect and angers her. If I try to intervene, she gets even more critical and mean. She sold their Wii because they enjoyed playing it too much and she felt they needed to not focus on it so much. She didn't buy it for them, but felt she had the right to sell it. They have no other game systems and I am not able to buy one for them.

She is not completely without merit. She is thankful to me for the little things I do, like make coffee, iron her clothes, or pack her lunch. She has definitely made both my daughter and I more organized. She does go out on occasional date nights with me. She works very hard to support us, especially since I lost my job two weeks ago. She doesn't cheat on me or physically abuse us. She would never leave me unless I were to cheat on her or become abusive toward her. She is dependable and I know we won't be hungry or homeless with her. Having gone through this before, I am not eager to repeat it. Security is a powerful thing to offer someone in my situation.

We are supposed to get married in a little over a year. I am terrified that if I marry her, we will be stuck in a sexless, tense, and horrible marriage. If I tell her I don't want to get married, I could end up homeless again without a penny to my name.

Please, if you have any suggestions on how to cope with this, fix it, or at least make it tolerable, post them freely. I need all the help I can get.

Leave, immediately! Don't walk, run! Your story resonates with me on many levels, a marriage where I felt like showing any feelings or doing things that she doesn't like is bad! I left an year ago, and feel great, had the best time of my life since! (even with the almost constant phone abuse, shouting, talking to people behind my back, telling me straight in the face "I would like you to die", etc, etc.) I have an 8 year old daughter. Check know you're a woman, however your description of your situation above seems eerily similar to many of the ones I read there! Hope all goes well for you. Your partner is abusing you, leave now.

If you'd like,PM/ping me, your situation is very similar to what mine was. Hopefully I can help with advice or at least reality check. You're not crazy, and you're a loveable person.

This above story of these two women made me cry. This is MY relationship as well! Almost word for word - including the bait and switch on the kids and sex! We see a therapist - have been for 8 months now! Recently my partner announced she needed time with her own therapist to work on past issues regarding an abusive marriage that she left 15 years ago. She wants me to say its okay to cuddle and kiss if she expresses she only wants just that....okay I'm fine with that. But when she flirted, teased and flat out said she wanted to make love last night - and then when we got to the bedroom - she had changed her mind and wasn't in the mood any longer. I swallowed hard and asked what changed - she asked if I was upset and I said just a bit disappointed cause I thought we were on the same page and had agreed. She later told me I didn't handle it well and disappointed and hurt her. I cried myself to sleep - I can't do anything right. Worse yet I felt so objectified. She teased me knowing I was not going to pursue her - until I caved and played back - it was hot - and then took it al away - now I can't trust a thing she does regarding sex......Am I crazy here? We were got and heavy for 7 months - moved in together and the no sex switch was flipped - for over a year now....

if She is holding out before your married its only gonna get worse later, its time to go, I have been stuck in this kind of relationship for 20 years and every time I try to take care of my needs even if its just by looking at her I get called a Rapist. I am tired of it

I am a lesbian and I'm living in a very similar situation. I've been told by various people to consider the phenomena of "Lesbian Bed Death," and that many lesbian relationships last forever without sex. But like the first post in this thread said, refusing and withholding sex is emotional abuse. The only difference here in your situation is that it seems like she has carefully isolated you and taken control of almost every aspect of your life. If it was just the sex, I would say wait a little while (without getting married) and see what happen, then make an informed, rational decision that is based on boundaries. But there is so much more here with your kids and the isolation. Find a way to leave if you already haven't.

2 More Responses

Sex is such a small part of a relationship between husband and wife, but also such an important one. Unfulfilled sexual needs/desires can cause so many other issues to explode. Sex can be a fantastic foundation to support a good marriage, or a catalyst to destroy a bad one.

I'm gonna agree to disagree. Sex Is not a small part of a relationship because sex is the "glue" that creates closeness and connectedness. It is extremely important. Just ask any expert worth their weight and they will agree.

My point is that a marriage cannot live on sex alone. If your only commonality is great sex, I would argue that you don't have much of a relationship. On the other hand, if there is no sex the marriage is almost certainly doomed as well.

Mother-in-law says she knows plenty of couples that don't have sex and I should be ok with it. And because she is diabetic, "she can't live alone," is added as some added kind of guilt trip. I'm guilty of not walking away a long time ago, but now I'm stuck due to a failed business & financial situation. I really care about these people, but this not what I signed up for!

You are the only one responsible for your life, and your choices. That having been said, you can't allow anyone to 'guilt' you into staying in an unhealthy, sexless relationship. You will remain miserable, and if you marry, the legal entanglements and more time invested in it will make it even worse. And harder to walk away than it is now. The sooner you cut ties (if it can't be reconciled successfully), the better off you'll be. Yes, you will hurt. But not as much as hurting this way, every day.

Thank you so much for writing this! So well put and is exactly how I feel! How it feels! I have suffered this for years now. I don't want to bash on women but times sure have changed and now us men are at the mercy of our women to decide our very happiness, self worth, self esteem, mood and balance, ect! I guess all I can say to that is I wish women knew/cared that by denying us regular loving mutually satisfying sex is the end result is "You get what you pay for" so hope they don't wonder why their man is floundering at work and home, fighting depression and moody as hell out of rejection and anger. he is being held back from being all he can be and I don't think women realize this and the whole picture. then wonder why he is distant, not happy and the man she first met(when their sex was out of this world) or the man she wants him to be! men are programmed to have and need sex. it's not our fault! in today's society it's become the brunt of many a woman joke or complaint. it just drives me crazy that they don't say yes more often when it's a win/win proposition. I make damn sure my woman is satisfied every time! that in turn makes me so happy and further turns me on and then we have great sex. WOMEN LISTEN UP! YOUR HURTING YOURSELVES JUST AS MUCH BY SAYING NO. YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR IN A RELATIONSHIP!

I have sex with my husband quite often, I do love him but I HATE SEX it does not make me feel close, as a matter of fact I am angry that this is what I HAVE to do for him to love me.Why can't he just love me the way I love him? I could love him no matter what because of who he is as a person. I give him sex when he wants it, but I am sad because he needs sex to love me. I get nothing out of sex and I pretend just because I don't want to hurt him. I have tried to enjoy and/or get what so many others seem to get but I don't. I feel so filthy when he ********** I really don't want him in me. I feel so invaded. I am so sad that I don't even want to touch myself "down there" I need to know what it is that I am suppose to feel. I really love this person but I don't need his penis "in me" to feel that. It really grosses me out!!!! I really don't get why people do this? I really want to know and I do it in hopes of getting something out of it. My husband says he loves making love to me. I don't get why? I feel so awful during sex.Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect


I strongly suggest you research love languages and what makes a man as well woman tick. He doesn't love you because you have sex with him. He has sex and wants sex because that is how he feels loved by you. Sure, hugs and kisses are nice, but that emotional closeness for him doesn't peak unless there is physical intimacy. You are seeing it as he needs to show his love via sex... While that might be part of it, he truly needs to feel your love and appreciation via sex. The fact that you don't want to have sex with him is probably very obvious to him and is probably doing damage to your marriage that you will not see until it is too late.

Just to be clear... The "Maintenance Sex" you are giving him is not good for the marriage at all.

I strongly suggest that you:

- Go to a marriage counselor together or separate... What ever it takes.
- Find a Therapist that specializes in sexual disfunction, body issues, etc
- See your OBYGN about body chemistry/hormonal issues.

Can it be fixed? I don't know. It can be made better? Maybe.

The question to ask yourself is whether or not you would be sexual in a new relationship with another man or not. If they answer is no, then you need real help or you need to let your husband go so that he can be happy with another woman if he chooses.

If the answer is yes, then you and your husband have some work to do to get things worked out. Goods Luck!

Ardnuaz2; The fact that you feel filthy & gross during sex makes me worry that you may have suffered emotional, physical, or sexual abuse at some point in your life. It's very unhealthy to continue having sex if you become angry & hateful from it.
I was the victim of felony sexual assault from age 7 until 10 when I finally had the courage to tell my parents that my Dads best friend was abusing me. Many victims of child sexual abuse suffer from life-long emotional trauma. When a child is sexually assaulted, the predator has in reality, essentially murdered whomever the adult was that the child could have become. No matter how well a person copes with the abuse or how well they overcome it, they will never again be the same person. It effected my self-confidence & self-esteem. The neighbors, who had been told by my parents to make sure their children hadn't been victimized by the predator, upon learning of my sexual abuse, called me names, beat me up, called me ugly, stupid, & much worse. I was beat up by bullies on several occasions, the last time by 4 neighborhood boys. My Dad was fit to be tied, & he went and had a "discussion with their fathers about respecting women & how their sons would never again put their hands on his daughter", & he enrolled me in Taekwondo. I became a black-belt, but never got over insecurities of being ugly & stupid & I dropped out of school. Many sexually abused girls suffer low self-esteem, low self/confidence, insecurities, become over or under achievers, turn to substance abuse, self-destructive/physically harming themselves, promiscuity, or are unable to enjoy a loving healthy sexual relationship. Mine was insecurity, low self esteem/confidence. I dropped out of H.S.
I don't know if you were victimized as a child, but as a L&D/Pediatrics Nursing Supervisor, I recognize some of the things you said as being classic for survivors of child sexual abuse. (I don't know if that applies to you, but it may help anyway). However, if it does, by allowing it to effect your ability to enjoy a normal, natural loving, healthy adult sexual relationship, you are continuing to allow the abuser to maintain power over you. You were victimized when you had no control over it, but by allowing it to interfere with your marriage & sexual relationship with your husband, the abuser continues to victimize and overpower you.
If this applies to you, please seek counseling for both you and you & your husband together. If you were transparent about your aversion to physical intimacy before you were married and you both understood & agreed that an a-sexual marriage and life was acceptable, & you have no desire to rectify the situation, then that's fine.
However, it is extremely unfair to your husband if he didn't understand and agree to a lifetime married someone who would prefer celibacy. He needs to attend counseling for open and honest communication with you about both of your feelings on the issue, so he can make an informed decision about his future. He needs to be able to make an informed decision on his future and the future of your marriage.
His choices are 1)if he's willing to live his life in an a-sexual marriage wit a partner who has no desire for sex due to emotional issues that you have no intention of working through or addressing, or 2) if he's comfortable continuing to have "duty/pity-sex" with someone who becomes physically disgusted by having sex with him (which will only cause painful feelings of resentment and hostility on your part, not to mention a continued feeling of being used against your will, b/c if you're having sex even though you don't want to, it may not be without your consent, but it's still against your will). Otherwise he has to decide if he's going to 3) stay committed to the marriage to help you address your emotional trauma and work through your feelings of anger and disgust in hopes of being able to some day have a healthy, mutually enjoyable relationship. But he has to be made aware of your true feelings b/c it's not good for you or fair to him.
Whatever the reason, whether or not you suffer continued emotional trauma from a history of past sexual abuse, the effects of being raised to be sexually repressed & feeling dirty about any contact "down there", or a simple hormonal imbalance; you're unable to comprehend how a loving, healthy, physically intimate sexual relationship can help your relationship transcend from a happy partnership to a fulfilling spiritual connection creating an unbreakable bond shared by the two of you. You ask why you have to have sex with him, why he can't just be happy going through life in an a-sexual partnership with you. Because that would make you best friends and room mates, & it sounds as if he loves and adores you and wants to enjoy the transcendence of a beautiful spiritual connection with you.
Please take care of yourself emotionally, physically, & spiritually. You have a beautiful, loving soul and you don't deserve unhealthy, painful feelings dragging you down, drowning you soul. Please seek help to learn the tools to let go of the pain so you can break free of being a victim and let your soul soar. Best wishes for a lifetime of blessings.

If your husband has made you feel this way about sex, then the two of you probably need counseling-or a divorce. If he is not the reason you feel this way, then you really need to know both how you feel, and than really make sure he knows its not about him. If he's sensitive, he will not want to push you into something that's horrible for you. But the two of you may still need to talk to a therapist and/or a counselor to create a situation that works for both of you.

I never considered it what you pay for, I considered it what I gave up just to have a wife that always said not this time, then to find she is getting what she needed elsewhere. I was put in a stress center after a boy friend of hers decided I needed a humiliation because I am now crippled, I caught him bringing her home, trapped them in the drive and wanted to ask what happened next, my wife begged to take this discussion off the street and I accepted this option, I cleared the drive and followed them into the house when he decided to sweep my cane dropping me to the floor, I was still holding my cane and I got myself sat up, he stood there almost doubled over laughing and saying how pathetic
I was angry about the discovery of the affair, this was a fact, but when he swept my cane and called me pathetic I thought about the decades I still had feeling in my legs, provided for her welfare, I lost it, My cane was made by me to support my hight, its a 4 and a half foot long red oak straight cane that weighs about 5 pounds, I made it to help me get enough support me upright three years before and it has turned my upper body into a very strong, area even though MRSA took the feeling in my legs. I took the rubber tip of my cane and threw it as hard as I could from a sitting position, my wife was trying to push him out of the house, but he still had a scull fractured when it hit, I was intending it to hit both of them, I was still very angry when I pulled myself over beside him and every time he woke up and tried sitting up I would hit him asking who is pathetic now. I was placed in a stress center for anger management and two weeks later sent home to find my wife getting ready to go with a friend of my fathers, I frankly despised to a political fund raiser, I put my foot down that night, it was hard, but I took my rights s a husband after she tried to promise or beg her way out of seeing to my needs over everyone else, She said when I told her she was not going I will tell you what, I will go to the event because I promised your father and his friend, after words we will meet anywhere you want we will get your mother and father to meet us there to and we will get everything worked out to all satisfactions, I considered my mother and father a part of my sexless life and said I have provided your food, housing, comforts, for thirty one years they have nothing in this, she was my wife and was going to act like it, she took off for the door and I said I paid for this ripping her dress off, she knew i was not waiting another minute and begged please not like this. I did what I wanted, I think her resistance made her sore, When I finished the man that was going to take her was hammering on the door and was surprised when I answered, he said he was coming in to hear what my wife said about going , I said I wanted a badge and warrant, He said I work in the mayors office I don't need one and tried forcing me to let him in, I was pretty much braced and grabbed him by the neck, saw my fathers car pulling into the drive and threw him at the windshield my father stopped very fast and I missed, my fathers friend slammed face first in the drive, my father stepped out of his car crying, looked at me like I was the devil incarnate. My mother got out of the passenger side and was totally white, she asked what my fathers best friend was doing here, and saw I was furious and scooted past me to find out what happened from my wife who was sitting in the bedroom crying. The sat and talked for two hours as my father took his friend to the hospital, 23 sutures and two days observation were required.
I was still sitting on the porch two hours later when my father came up and started in on me, telling me a real man would not have done what I did the last two weeks, no man resorts to violence to resolve his anger to what was done to him and what he was denied in life, I just said and areal father does not use a sick wife to get his son to work on a job and shift he hates so his friends brats can get what they wanted then use shotguns to force that son into working the days they required which was everyday but six for 31 years. My father said a real man does the work that's needed without making others work in his place even if they had less time than him. things have degraded since my father and two more of his friends hurt, my wife does not say no now, and I guess I am evil for forcing the issue,
My father says my rebellion has torn things apart after I turned myself in for marital rape, I took scanned copies of he journals from the last 32 years, when my father and my wife went in to see charges filed the DA, asked my wife if what was in her journals true, She admitted everything was, He called a women's advocate in and let her read several days of entry's and she said even if they took it to trial they would be lucky to even get close to a coviiction after the journals where placed into evidence because in her own hand she admitted to being part of a conspiracy to deny civil rights as written in her own hand.
My father asked how can a white man be denied civil rights, the DA said just like any other man, my father came out to where I live now, cry's that everything I have done has forced so much change back to where he thinks I call home, people required a certain number of days of in a year, seniority rights strictly enforced, and the local sheriff and police departments monitored on types of calls they receive and respond to.
my father maintains I did not have the right to cause such a drastic change in society as it stands there, I saw it as my duty , because no body should ever be subjected to my life, maybe the violence that occurred when I took the society that my father and wife wanted on, My father thinks my destruction of the way the powers that be on and beat them was a very wrong thing to do but when that society s built with special privilege for a few, I think that is wrong.

To all those that live this life I wish a merry Christmas, I hope that the hardened hearts of those you want to be with the most to thaw, I hope in this season they see the harm they do to their spouse by denying their needs and love, good tidings to all.

3 More Responses

Ok so I'm a gay man and I have been with my partner for almost 3 years now and in the three years ive penetrated him 4 times, because it pains him too much.
I don't know what to do beaches I love him but I'm only young (20) and he is my first proper boyfriend and I feel like I've been cheated out of the fun a relationship carries, I know this is wrong but I have though of going with other men to fufil the urge to have sex.
If someone could give me advice that would be great I feel so lost

20 years ago I accepted that my wife suffered from physiological problems that often made intercourse uncomfortable, even painful. Whenever she was in pain I would gently and sensitively end our lovemaking, never once making her feel embarrassed, unloved or unwanted.Twelve years ago after a total hysterectomy we thought things would get better. Instead she lost her libido and I again accepted that our sex life would be curtailed. I remained loyal and understanding throughout, never pressuring her, never demanding sex.Ten years ago she admitted to withholding sex, using it as a weapon, angered that I returned to college to finish my degree. At some point she promised sex when I returned to working full-time. The job came, the sex didn't. Not only did sex become a memory, nearly all physical intimacy came to an end. I found myself asking for things as simple as a kiss or a hug. Excuses came and went...her back hurt, she's tired. The other day she told me that sex made her back hurt, forgetting the other excuses she proffered over the years. I'm not an unattractive man, overweight yes but not obese. Even in my teens and inexperienced, I was an attentive, sensitive and generous lover, qualities that carried over to adulthood. I've remained faithful and loyal to my wife despite the near-total lack of intimacy and total absence of sex in our marriage. Notice that I made a distinction between intimacy and sex. You can experience one without the other. Alas, my wife, for reasons I may never know fails to recognize the psychological damage she's inflicted on a sensitive, loving caring man. She doesn't have a lover and I'm not wealthy so I'm left to wonder what her motives are. Our friends think she's wonderful, and indeed she can be. But when it comes to sex and intimacy she is in denial, exposing a cold, soulless side no one but me sees.

I thought at first it was my wife's mental problems that caused the loss of sex in our marriage, I was even assigned a guardianship by the state the first two days after coming home from the navy, this prevents me ever getting a divorce unless she disappears for six months, but that is not possible for her, When I tried to disappear they chased me down and forced e home within a day.
After reading her journals however I found she saw to her sexual needs while keeping me like a euniuce. My father said today why couldn't I have just been what everyone wanted, he said a real man could have controlled his urge for sex, but you raped your wife last year, all while she was begging to talk it out to every ones sartisfaction and now nobody's satisfied except you, he said if you had been willing to talk things out like she asked that night there was the possibility you would have been having a marriage without fear, I said a possibility as long as you had me under your thumb right. He said we could have asked you to forgo your marital rights for at least another year let everyone up easy but you dropped everyone in a pit and used a flamethrower against them, all because we asked you to give up things in your life for others, I said, you did not ask me to give up some things, you forced me. you used blackmail, force with a shotgun, and threats about getting me arrested by planting drugs. just so you could be looked on as the nice guy in the community and hear them say how good I was for giving my time so their kids could have the time. I restated my position. you owe 32 years of life now, I could care less about your friends, for they owe too. I took what my wife owes yes, but that's because I paid her way for 32 years through life and was refused 31 of those years, I know I ran roughshod over everyone she and my father had help them and the men she was with in that time I made sure had family troubles of their own.
I told my father yesterday I had to take what was due me because it wasn't offered, If I had not showed up on that day I would have sat at home with her gone until the next morning again and this time it was my rules. I am considered the cold soulless one now. I don't even want any compromise with any one. I am the master in my home and brook no interference outside of my marriage from any one. my father said I ruined his life, he said I had friends until you decided you had enough, you ruined family's, bodies, many year friendships and marriages, and got a lot of people in bad trouble when you would not keep your trap shut, for what, because we forced you to be the go to man for work, and would not let the crybaby have a day off for 31 years, He said that there are people that owe their life to work , you felt you were not one of these people, so you had to be forced for the good of all. now look at you, you are despised as a Satan, somebody that would spite on an offered hand in friendship for past wrongs, and want to make sure everyone is as miserable as you were,
I never spit n the hand that was offered in friendship, yes my fathers best friend can't we just be friends and let by gones be by gones on memorial day when he planed to take my wife out for after dinner drinks and clubbing till the next morning. I felt at that time he was my fathers invited guest, I let him stay for the cookout and did not thro the horses rear at the moon, but when my father handed him the reservation tiket with his and my wife's name on it my father said you are not invited, she will be home by 6 tomorrow morning, I flew of the handle. told every one that the only person that will escort my wife is me, made my fathers friend turn the reservation over to me, he ran for his life and my father ended the evening backhanded across my kitchen after he slapped me saying it was a needed lesson in manners. I taught the lesson that night.
I know in this day and age those that are not in line with the people that are at the top of our society, are considered rude and unmannered. Well consider me a rude and unmannered person. Any thing that I could do to destroy that society I did. Told one sitting congressman to his face that I knew the net thing was to go after Saddam Hussan. I said to him five days after 9/11 that it was going to be an excuse to invade Iraq and also said that would be a grave error. I said I know he is a monster but the Monster we needed to go after was Ossama Bim Laden. my father said there was not a shred of proof he was involved, three days later we started another war in Affganastan to chase down Osama and get rid of the regiem that sheltered terrorists. I did feel this was justified but also said he went someplace else. But in Iraq we left a vaccum in hands that were not qualified to lead the anti terror forces in that country. Now we pay with the creation of ISIL.
According to many I was totally in the wrong when I finally became so tired of being refused my rights in my marriage that I took what I felt was due out of my wife's hands, I decided that night she was going to start being a real wife, I know it was her mental illness that my father and his friends used to keep me doing as they wished, we were both used, Me to be the go to for work, my wife to be the ornament on those that are without morals and want everyone to be at their feet doing as they want, I will not be sorry for taking the system they liked and put it in the trash. I wont be sorry for proving that many of these so called poise church going men and women, that many of them are the worst sinners in the group, many atheist had more morals.
I took what was due me, I no longer allow myself to be used, and I reclaimed my freedom, rights and some of my self worth. I ask if there was any other way I could have handled my situation and what any one else would have done when a piece of state ordered paper bound me for life to a woman that was easily influenced by others. I feel my reaction was pretty mild, I have not killed any one yet. I will never be subjugated to the will of anyone else ever again


You put your finger on the wound and started healing it with this article. I have been married to my wife for 20 years and we have 3 children 19, 16, and 13 year old. Since day one of our marriage my wife was not too hot about sex. She then started to find all sorts of excuses to avoid intimacy. The next phase she was using sex as a way to get me do what she wants. When her menopause came and her long periods stopped, I thought, at least now she can't use periods as an excuse to deprive me from sex for 2 weeks in a month, but her lidibo went right down and sex has become occasional and less and less frequent and when it happened, it was like her waiting for me to finish a chore so that she can get on with watching her favourite TV programs. Now for 3 months there was no intimacy between us whatsoever. Not even a hug or a kiss and whenever I comeback from work I find her angry and putting up a grumpy face. I pride myself for never being violent to her or anyone of my children, I work very hard to keep the family afloat, even her girl friends tell her how much I am dependable and always helpful, I take her on holidays, we go as a family on days out, we eat out, I look after my children. I tried to speak to her many times about how I feel , but she says sex is not important, she even calls sex "that thing" as if it was a sware word or something tabou or dirty. I am a man of very high sex drive and these 3 months have been like hell to me. I feel I am in a worse situation than a single man in his 50s. A single man can go out to look for women with no remorse, but as married man, if I do that I will be called a cheat, a slapper, and so on. To be frank I almost went that route and I even kissed another women, but stopped it at the kiss as I felt guilty.
If I divorce, my wife will ruin me by taking the house I worked for all my life when she was not working and watching all tv programs.
My wife even told me to marry another women as I am a muslim and my religion allows it, but I didn't want to do that because I love my children and I can't support 2 households financially.
please help me with your advise as I am lost and I don't know what to do.
I read here that some women are living this situation with their husband, for me it is the other way round.
This situation meant that the only option I have is to maturbate at the age of 50. I am ashamed to say it, but what other option do I have?

Don't feel embarrassed as you have no choice. I emphasize with your situation since, like you, I love my wife. Stay strong.

Maybe someone can help me some. I have been married for almost 5 years to a recovering alcoholic. I went thru so much emotionally in the first several years due to his drinking, emotional abuse was abundant. He finally stopped a little over a year ago but now all of the underlying issues are coming up. He will scream at me, threaten divorce, and blame everything on me..... the kicker? Afterwards he wants sex. And if I'm not into it or don't want it, the circle starts all over again. He has told me that not wanting sex is emotionally abusive to him and that I'm wrong for it. I have been researching for days but nothing covers my problem. I feel as if my life is falling apart and the only thing he is worried about is making sure he gets his. I really hope someone has some further insight.

I'm not withholding tho, I just can't honestly give him the emotional response that he wants. I have fully explained myself to him, and unless I have a migrane or am physically ill, make myself available.

It is wrong (emotionally abusive) to withhold sex in a loving relationship for a long periods of time with no reason. It is also wrong (emotionally abusive) to expect sex after a fight or negative confrontation, without proper reconciliation (by reconciliation I mean a sincere and compassionate apology, attempt to provide comfort or compensation for the caused hurt. "Sorry, lets have sex" is not a proper reconciliation). You're being very loving and selfless but he needs to reciprocate. Read this article, hopefully it will help you both:
Also, alcoholism is not the problem, it is only the symptom of a bigger problem stemming from the past (usually childhood). He needs to find out why was he drinking and deal with the problem, because he might direct his anger at you (lethal for the marriage).

Been going on over 2 years I think it's away for my spouse to control manipulate then poor me syndrome

I had 18 years of no sex yes it hurt and he abused me in other ways. Sex is not everything you have a choice stay or go. I used to ask why then saw it gave him satisfaction if I moaned. I just never spoke of it. That he hated, now he is old I have left, i got the normal no one will want you. That's why Ive found the most sexual and intimate relationship now.

i just read this to my partner and he got so mad that he kicked the phone out of my hand! i know he is sexual, because i have a friend who knew him well, and, apparenly, he'll have sex with anyone, but me! it truly was one of the most painful situations ive ever encountered , and ive been thru every kind of abuse there is! sadly, he made me become ugly...its like, i manifested his will upon me, because im not ugly! in fact, my pain problem in the past was men using me for sex because im sexy. well, not anymore, but i learned alot about myself thru this...i learned that i deserve to be respected, no matter what anyone says or thinks, or tells me. and the next time i date, and a boundary is crossed, there is no need to voice my concern and hope he changes, but cut ties, and cut them without any explanation being made. people know how to treat someone they respect and value, so if they mess up, they dont care, and whether it be because they dont care about themselves, or just you... its not your problem, but theirs, and if you make t your problem, it will be!

Ouch! Best of luck going forward and I hope you find a partner you deserve.
Having the phone kicked out of your hand in anger is a major red flag to me.

I just read your post regarding a sexless marriage. I am living in one now. This is my second marriage and we have been married for almost ten years. My first marriage lasted for nearly twenty two years but ended due to my ex-husbands addiction to sex and ***********. The man I am married to now started losing his sex drive shortly after were married and had been going down hill ever since. when I finally brought it up to him he just said he was losing his sex drive. He says he is afraid that it is probably due to lack of testosterone and that is embarrassing to him and he is afraid of the medication they use to treat it. I finally convicted him to go for a physical and they tested his blood. it has taken me up to today for him to go back to get the results. It's September's 4th. I have told him on several occasions that I didn't blame him if he didn't want to take the meds. I just need to know if I am the problem. I have been feeling do rejected and hurt by all this and I have started not to trust him anymore. I love him with all my heart but it is starting to break. Anyone have any suggestions? Please help!

Great to know its others going through the same problems. It's been a year no intimacy sex kissing nothing. Lonely and I'm in a 12 year marriage not getting better I love them but I love myself more and this sexless marriage is driving me insane... I'm sexually frustrated

Spot on...

Thanks for sharing. It is abuse and took me years to realize that.

it makes me cry, I'm in this situation right now and I cant get out because I do not have the strength I need

Fear is what we imagine it to be, Four years ago I was told I was never going to rise out of a wheel chair, I have nothing but pins and needles from the top of my leg's down. , I spent the first seven months fearing to try and stand for more than a few seconds, from bed to chair. then I thought why fear the fall you just have to figure out how to get up myself. Spent the next two years using a walker, hurt every time I used it but I used it, then I carved my cane, I went home using it just to find out my wife was having an affair with an old BF, he thought because I was a cripple I needed to fear him, I admit my anger overrode my best judgment. I put the jerk in ICU the next two week I was told to fear my anger because it is to much for other people to understand, I use my anger, I fear nothing now, my father, his friends, my wife, I don't even fear death, been there twice. so ask yourself what you have to fear, the taking back of your life, the loss of prestige, the embarrassment, or do you fear the gain of your self worth.

This is ****** up in so many ways.

This post helped me so much. Explained my feelings exactly. Thanks for sharing...I don't feel alone.

Thank you so much for your enlightenment on this subject. I have been I have been in this type of relationship for 6 years & its time for me to move on with my life

I was in a sexless relationship too... I decided that the only solution was to exit the marriage. It was the right choice for me. Pls take a look at my profile, and then consider adding me to your circle. Thx.

I forced my husband to be sexless for a very long time. He was not given many options in his life either. Last Year he became very tired of the situation and decided one evening it was going to be his way, I was supposed to do a favor for his father and go with someone to a political funding dinner, but before I was pick up my husband said said he was owed 31 years.. He did not give me a choice, I am not refusing him any more but I am finding out what his father meant all those years ago. My husband has become extremely violent in the protection of his rights, If I refuse or try to go out with others he insists on being at my side, I say its none of your business he says. IT IS HIS BUISNESS IF I AM UNDER HIS ROOF. If he is backed off by force he shows up and does not give anyone a chance to defend themselves. He tears into them, that is what happened Saturday, His father wanted him and several of his friends to have a private conversation with me about how to get my husband to be coopertative on Labor day, They threatened him with a pair of unloaded pistols to let me go with them, He showed up where we were talking and without warning waded into everyone with his cane swinging. These were the eight and ninth men he hurt bad in the last 14 years, he always has proof that others start the dustup. But it is getting intolerable for everyone to tell him something in his home is none of his business and he makes it his business, any one with the slightest manners if they are told even in their own home that they are not welcome usually would step out, but not my husband. If I say no to sex as a punishment now he takes me and pushes me out the door. It would not matter if I was without a stich on, He says, I don't have a say in it any longer. he says I don't have a right to ask him to leave his house any more, He tells his own father to get out of his life. and enforces his will by being physical.
I am majorly confused. The police wont do anything because my husband is now recording everything except the bathrooms and the bedroom. He has no trust that anyone might be trying to help him. How violent can a man become in the protection of his rights, Can he allow himself to be so callous he cares nothing that others might need some thing that might require him to just go away for several hours that he just makes life hell.
My mother and his mother are both standing behind my husband. We did keep him from his rights for three decades, But is that an excuse after so many years to destroy what is expected of him now.

I guess my wife did not notice I was still signed in. What she says above is true I don't trust any one is doing things for my own self worth. I don't care that somebody just went through a nasty divorce, Its not my need to be nice to them by letting my wife go and console him. If he wants sympathy he can wright on here. Usually a man that has been married three or four times is a man I consider to be without morals. In a way I think I might be lucky that the state wont allow a divorce. I have a wider decision making latitude now. Yeah I know that I am leaving jerks bleeding and broken. Making people of influence and power angry that I hold them to the same standard I was held to. But the application of pain is a real function for a rebel. If you make them hurt enough they either go completely of their gimbal and start banging on the wall. Or they learn, they wont be an influence any longer.
I received pain at their hands for so long that might be all I know about now. I don't care what is expected of me, I expect that there are some very witless people now. My bi polar wife is about to go back to a mental ward. She keeps trying to go off her meds, my father thinks he is going to make me feel bad because he is having chest pains. I say just go to ER. My mother is actually laughing, she says I am showing these AHs that their little theory of if you hold someone down they will become slobbering idiots, So plyable that they would do anything to please, Well I am SO FREAKING SORRY, It did not happen You weren't able to teach me, Guess I have a rock hard head.
I just wonder how far people will go to please others?

It's quite hard to follow the story.. So your wife interrupted all sexual contact for a very long period of time. And your response is violence towards her and everyone that surrounds you.

Why are you still together? neither of you has to stay in a marriage that doesn't fulfill you - it's obvious that there aren't many feelings left between the two of you. You can always start over.. and it can be wonderful again, you can meet someone that will love you the way you've always wanted to be loved.

No matter how damaged the relationship is, it's always extremely difficult to let go,I never could explain why.. The moment people reach the point when they've had enough and should just move on, it seems they become suddenly frozen in the situation for far too long.

Remember you don't own anyone, you can't make rules for others - if you're stubborn and still decide to, jokes' still on you - some will obey, but they will lose all respect for you.. Suddenly you're just sad, lonely and surrounded by people that don't like you. And because mothers / church or whatever, you'll feel like you can't break the cycle.

The only responsibility you have is to yourself - you weren't born on this planet to please your wife/husband or your mother in law. How ******* ironic would that be? "Here, there's an opportunity for you to experience the miracle of life, but make sure you obey whatever delusional rules society /church/ mother imposes on you, so you can end up a sad sad man that was given the chance to be happy and make his own choices but didn't, cause momma know better.."

You need to make sure you're happy, otherwise you've wasted all this time for nothing. if you don't like where you are at this point in your life, start again. let go and start again, it's that simple.

But always be a decent person, don't do harm and don't decline other people of their own happiness.

PS1: the wife said something about you not doing "what is expected of you". nothing is expected from either of you.. who taught you that? I will no do something that makes me unhappy because other people "expect" me to.. You really need to sit down with the wife and discuss things - if neither of you is happy, part ways and that's it. If you decide it's worth saving the relationship, it has to be mutual. Otherwise no matter what you do it won't work.

Even if you have kids, that's not a reason to spend your life together feeling sad, like you've missed all the wonderful things this world has promised but has never delivered for you. Everything is an experience and kids learn from experiences. If you know how to manage the breakup the kids will be fine.

Why would you stay in an unhappy marriage because you can't get a divorce? How is that a problem? You need to realize there are actual people in this world that ARE happy. They're happy, they're in love and they're not letting other people tell them how they should live their lives or what is "expected of them".

We all learn how to make compromises in life, but never compromise your entire life.

PS2: I reread your wife's comment - you really can't force someone to love you, no matter how hard you try. What's even worse is that you're probably making all these efforts to make sure she'd not "distracted" but most likely you stopped loving her a long time ago.

Also, maybe momma bears should mind their own business :)

Try to take the good out of what I wrote and try to make some changes so can be happy as a person. Both of you.

With respect,


My wife did not interrupt a sex life she stopped it for decades. It was for the stupid ideas my father spouted, and yes I am required by the state to stay in the marriage, A guardianship was issued a week after I got out of the Navy, I was not asked I was told because she is a sever bi polar I had to take it. I have tried for a divorce twice and the petition was denied, mostly because I could not raise the money for her permanent care. I cant raise the money for my appeal. so I am stuck in this marriage.
Most of the denial was about keeping control of what I did at work, If I used the rights my seniority would have allowed I was always interfering in some ones life, causing a friend of my fathers or their kid to be doing something I earned my way out of. If I wanted to take a holiday or weekend off, my father and wife thought I needed to consider what everyone around me had plans for, I was not allowed to consider anything for myself. After the only six days off I had in 31 years it happened in July 2001, when I threw up and collapsed at my supervisors feet, then had a hole drilled to the center of my head I knew the amount of consideration others were willing to give me, my wife let my father and three coworkers in to yank me out of bed. My father said his absence is causing havoc at work. he can recover standing up as well as being lazy. I was supposed to be off 60 days. but that afternoon I was standing working, that was the only six days off I saw in 31 years. I saw a chance a month later when the job bid for the new plant went up. I had 23 years seniority at this time, I was sick of second shift I was sick of working 12 hours a day on the dirtiest job in the plant in 125 degree heats. So being the jerk I am I thought Carpe Dium seize the day. Put my 23 years on the bid, the other bidder was the son of a county commissioner, He had eight years, my father spent the next week yelling at me how a political figure like his friend needed family to have certain shifts so they could appear in public together, that was not changing my mind I did not work for the county, my wife promised to normalize our marriage if I stayed put. I told her she had been making the same promise for 16 years, it was not going to happen again. Then they decided strong arm tactics were in order, My father told my wife I was only going to get a little roughed up, Just to humble me, I was a big man I could take it, just make sure I was locked out of the house. I arrived home four men got out of a van and told me I was taking my name off the bid, I asked which of them was the wife to who and they jumped me. They had forgot I held a 3rd dan black belt and was trained in two services. In under a minute four men had to be sent to a trauma center in critical condition, My father showed and was crying why couldn't you have just done what they wanted, I was tired of do what was wanted, after that I was forced to work weekends and holidays with a shot gun in my back. The commissioner told the sheriffs department to stay out of it or lose funding.
That is the reason why I put my foot down. I will never allow myself to be pushed or forced into anything again, everyone else can take a flying leap into the void, My wife can leave anytime she feels, I just was not going to allow myself to be used as her piggy bank any more with out something in return, IF she wants she can take what she bought into the marriage 20000 her bags, put her feet on the street and pick a direction. It would free me. That is spousle abandonment as long as she maintains no contact for six months.
As far as my family is concerned I now live far west, I don't care if my father says another word to me. He did his best to ruin my life, make me a slave. To his friends and their brats.
So one way or another in my house my word stands as law from here on. My wife is crying about this but that's the way it is, if I have to be trapped then I will be like Lucifer. My world my law.

I had better explain there have been five more men hurt. An old BF of my wifes that I caught her in an affair with, He decided that a little humiliation was in order. I was just going to see where things were going when he swept my cane with his foot and started laughing with the comment how pathetic, He was in the hospital for a fractured scull, while I was placed I a stress center for anger management. Two weeks later, I was released. The center notified my father I had been taken home by insurance supplied taxi. I found my wife getting ready to go to a political funding dinner with a friend of my father. I told her she owed 31 years of a marriage and she was not going that night. She took of for the door and I grabbed the dress, I said I paid for it: It was staying leaving her standing in garter belt stockings and heels. She begged to meet after the event any where I wanted, and we would talk things through. I said after you negotiate so long then the talk is done, its time for action and the talk was done a decade ago or more. I did force sex right there, The man that was going to pick her up was hammering on the door yelling they were going to be late. I answered the door and told him she was not coming, he decided to punch me and try and force his way past. He landed face first in front of my father as he pulled in with my mother. my wife was in the bedroom crying and my mother went to talk to her, my father helped his friend to the ER. That's the night my mother was filled in about what happened over the last 31 years, Then memorial day, my father tried to get me to leave before the cookout at my house started, He setup the same friend for after dinner drinks with my wife, this was not agreed by her, but I took his reservation from him my father became angry at my pushing my way into traditions formed over 31 years. He slapped me and earned his reward of a backhand across my kitchen. I escorted my own wife. The fourth was tense but my mother sister and brother put their feet down, Then I finally got all the things I needed to do to sell the house and move west.
My father tried the old tactic of using fire arms to back me off, One of the things I installed for the new owners was a wireless security cam system I was recording to the hard drive, when my father pulled up with two friends want it take my wife for a chat without me in tow. They pointed two pistols at e and just about drug her away. I loaded the vid on a thumb drive and was on my way to the township office to file charges, When I spotted my fathers car at a dinner. I could not help myself, grabbed my cane and went in. I saw the two men sitting side ways to the walk way. I did not give then a chance to pull their weapons. and left them bleeding into their breakfast. My mother, sister and her husband as well as my wife the wives of my fathers friends and my father were there. My mother had been told the reason I did not come was I was not there.
I was cuffed and told the watch officer the reason why I had done what I did was in my pocket with the file name. He put it on his tablet and watched it and released me. This labor day is going to be spent with my sister in law, her husband, my wife's mother my wife, and twenty new friends. They are a hardworking group, they are coming mainly to meet the dudes from back east and welcome us.
Instead of suits and ties there will be boots cowboy hats and jeans, The air here is clear and besides my sister in laws new home there is not another in sight. I have several cousins coming to. I do feel this is the new start. My wife feels that its Siberia. I did get an email from my mother. She says if it was not for my fathers coronary she wanted to come back home to. She says he will never interfere again, but asks if she comes would she be welcome. My answer was yes, even my father would be welcome if he did not try to manipulate.
And I just noticed I never explained the cane and the reason for it, Four years ago I had MRSA in my spine, it caused a slip into the cord crushing it. below my upper legs I have only pins and needles. I took three years to get to this point of walking, The cane is one I made for myself out of red oak. it weighs 13 pounds and is toped with a peuter dragon handle and is about four feet tall. That's what I used on my wife's old boyfriend and the two that held pistols on me.

Oh, by the way I hate the phrase there is always tomorrow. I have had 2 times when the next minute was not even sure, the first was a hole from over my right eye to the center of my head to remove a tumor, causing hydrocephalus, I should not have been alive to be put on the table the pressure in my scull was so high. The next time was when MRSA developed in my spine, I still bear some burns where they had to shock my heart to startup on the table twice. I have come off the pain killers, My back is always spasaming, My legs get errant signals causing them to jerk. But I am still to sit in the corner and shut up, Let my wife be the community girlfriend. Well I refuse on all counts and it people don't like it they can shut their trap or end up with my fist in their teeth in my home.
So as you can tell for me today is the tomorrow that I will wait for. To H with the wish of others.

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my heart is shattered. I have been with my husband for almost 6 years and he has continuously refused me. my soul is crushing under the weight and I feel like my mind is out of control. I feel so ****** up because he has been a great provider and father and friend. Yea we are like best friends, living together, playing house and I am dying inside. since the da we married he has been withholding sex from me. Making me beg for it and telling me I make him feel used. When I was very pregnant my mom sent something kinda sexy for valentines and I wore it and he laughed and told me my vagina looked like a deflated football. when we were first married and I couldn't understand why we were noyt having all this sex I was so hungry for I tried dressing up and being ready for him when he got home from work. He told me I just made him feel used and like he HAD to have sex with me. I think I am going crazy. I told him 50% of why I got married was because I wanted to have a sexual relationship that was deemed good in the eyes of God and family and he told me I was crazy that I can have sex 50% of the time, but that is not what I said. I told him I thought 3 times a week and he scoffed. He will not read any articles I have sent him and we went to individual and couples therapy for 6 months. I am now 30 with two kids and the only answer I get out of him is "i don't know" or "im working on it".

Sorry to unload to a bunch of strangers but I don't know who knows what it is like. and this is not the woman refusing the man crap that I always read about. **** I WISH my husband would follow me around with a hard on. All I get is a flaccid **** ni my mouth and a look of pity from my husband.

"best friends, living together, playing house and I am dying inside". I know exactly how you feel and it's hellish. I know I can't be much help, your efforts with therapy are proof positive that you have tried to improve the situation but it appears that your husband is unwilling to change.
My own relationship feels utterly broken by my partners ambivalence toward sex. We've been together three years and it started off with frequent, great sex. After a year the intimacy became more sporadic but in the last 18months we've had sex twice and not at all in the last 12months. Whatever attempts I make to initiate intimacy are rejected, worse, even the simple pleasures of kissing is spurned as an "obvious attempt to start things".
What I guess I'm trying to say is that whether your partner is male or female, constant rejection and a refusal to initiate change is poisonous to any relationship. If your feelings really mattered your husband would do more.
Anything done out of pity is no consolation - the rare occasions are worse because they're so forced and begrudged.
I hope your situation improves, with or without your husband. You've a long life ahead of you and it shouldn't be spent sublimating your needs

I guess there really is no happy answer, cure all to this. My husband fundamentally doesn't not want or view sex like I do. I just wish he could stop dragging me along with him and be honest with himself and with me. IF he is gay, please tell me so I can make an educated decision about our marriage. If he is asexual and that is that, TELL me so I can make an educated decision about the future. I am open and willing to find a way to work through this if only I was getting the same efforts from him. but I tried everything. Asking, begging, demanding, refusing. I even refused just because I wanted him to feel the same rejection I felt and when I told him that he said i was being cruel. THe man has orgasmed inside me one time our entire relationship! arrrgh!!! punch punch punch!

Naomi: Your husband's behavior is your answer. Obviously, the sexless marriage is working for him, and he has no reason to tell you why he doesn't want to have sex with you. He knows that if he tells you he's gay, asexual, married you for your money or a green card, you'd leave him.

You can either ignore his behavior and keep waiting forever to get the kind of marriage that you desire and deserve but he'll never give you or you can have the guts to divorce and therefore set yourself free to find the kind of love you want and desire. Right now, by staying you're collaborating with your refuser in creating a miserable life for yourself. Keep staying with him and as time goes by you'll be more and more trapped and will have given up more and more things that you had wanted -- things like, for instance, having children.

i already gave him my 20's. Now im 30 and don't want to sacrife those years as well.

But that's exactly what you're choosing to do -- sacrifice your life for a man who is happily living in a sexless marriage. Individual therapy could help you view your life accurately and get the confidence and guts to take the steps under your control to give yourself the kind of life you want. You can't control your husband, but you can control your own actions.

You don't have to sacrifice like that, no one should. I am considered a bad person because after 31 years I stopped accepting the statues quo after I found she had an affair, I hammered the man she was with and ended up in a stress center for anger management. When I came home I could not believe she was planning to go out with another man, I know I arrived home a full day before expected, and I lost my temper, but that day I determined I paid for 31 years of her life, and receiving nothing in return, I collected the first installment. Been collecting since. The guy she was going with went to the ER, and the last year I have not allowed any interference, there have been attempts made, All of the interferers including my own father have been hurt, In fact its almost two months latter and he still has a bruised face. I know you are a woman, have you asked if there is a medical problem, if he is hypertensive the meds can cause a problem, if he has a pinched nerve in his back that can do it two.
Please sit down with him and ask if there is a problem, You might have to draw it out because some are embarrassed to even entertain the idea of a problem there, If its something in his mind have him seek help! Its worth it in the end.
I wish there had been someone in my early marriage that had listened, and others that did not interfere. There could be an outside influence to.

Hi Naomi,

You're currently in a platonic relationship that's doing more damage than good. 5 years from now you'll be in the same relationship, hating your life if nothing changes. I am sure you tried everything you can by now.
If you remain in this relationship you're facing years of frustration. If someone were to ask you to make a choice: "Leave him" or "Stay with him" you'd probably say that you love him very much and you can live without the sex just to spend your life with him. You'd say this even if you probably contemplated the idea of leaving him 1000 times in the past years..
it seems to me that you're putting his own happiness before yours. He doesn't seem to be interested in doing the same.

Give yourself 6 months - 1 year with him. Have a talk and tell him you need a change. Then if nothing changes after 1 year, go find happiness somewhere else :)

Think about this - at some point you'll start being attracted to other people, and then it will be too late to keep your focus on your husband and on improving your relationship, because you'll start caring less and less without actually wanting to.

So give it a try together and then if it doesn't work, you won't regret not having tried at all. Hopefully he won't either

All the best!


I'm not sure you can fix things once a partner stops wanting sex. If real love was manmade we would have no divorce rate. Don't get lost in asking him why he no longer wants you, chances are he won't tell the truth for a million different reasons. Cut to the chase. It doesn't really matter why if you think about it. What it comes down to is that you can't hide your feelings they show in everything you do. If your not doing something its because you can't or don't want to.

I can relate to that as a woman. It's very sad and frustrating. I don't think the partner who refuses sex really cares to see an issue until another partner makes them care for it, such as by way of an ultimatum or divorce. In my relationship no amount of talking, negotiating helped. My partner is my best friend so I don't want to break up, but I don't know what else to do. It's that many conversations I can initiate that lead to no answers. I'm at the stage where I feel so undesirable and resentful that I wouldn't look past having an affair! which I know won't solve the problem, but I'm tired to be the only one who tries...

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Thank you! This truly helped me.. I have been with someone for only short 9 months and first guy I have lived with since my divorce 6 years ago and it has been hell.. We were full of passion at first but he has shown his true colors for at least 5 months. Yes we have had sec but ONLY when he wants it not when I do but that is not our only issue!! Thanks

You so right about that

Thank you for the clear description of everything that has been happening to me. I knew it, of course, but sometimes it helps to have someone else describe what you are going through. I, in common with some others, find myself currently trapped by finance and circumstance, but I do not intend for that be the whole picture for ever. My circumstance ( caring for a beloved elderly) will not last forever. My financial situation ( I currently live in another country far from home, where English is not the main language, & far from cities where my career experience is useful. I am at the end of my tether trying to reason with the man in my life, who finds every reason and excuse to keep us apart, to blame me & my personality for our estrangement, and who responds to my statements about how this is hurting me by telling me I have to be nicer to him. What is remarkable is that he still claims to love me - it seems that he is actually *unable* to understand what he is doing in trying to control me by refusing physical closeness - not just sex: if I displease him in any small way he responds by telling me I am sleeping alone. Frankly, I am ok with that now - I seem to have crossed a line, past caring . I am no longer buying into the 'all my fault' thing, and his words have less power to hurt me. I hope that he recognises what he is doing one day - but I doubt it: his self-vindication is powerful. This brings me to the important point: I left him before because of this and similar treatment. I went back to my own country for 18 months. I returned because I love him and truly value him as a person - he is a good person in many ways - and because I honestly believed he loved me. In his own way, I guess he thinks he does. I believe he is driven by a sense of fear and being less-powerful than me in some way - even though I am financially dependent on him now, having moved to be with him. SO - to anyone who has left their partner over this treatment, and is thinking of going back - think twice, think three times. The pattern of behaviour that allows for this is not easily eradicated. It will probably resurface as it did here, for me.

Once sex in a marriage is thought of as a bargaining tool that is the first blackmail, He or she will say I promise that if you do as I or my friends wants then our real marriage can begin, then leave an open end in the promise.
It is extortion, fraud, and cohersion in a marriage. It came to a point with me that I stole my wife's journal and read them, I had promised not to years ago, but after so many of the things I was promised did not come to pass I thought why do I have to maintain this promise. It might give me insight as to why she was being this way, Copies of her journals, are now in the hands of a U.S. attorney, and the DA, She said to the U.S. attorney how can he steal something this private and turn them over to you without a warrant, He said they were in his house and after he uncovered evidence of a crime he bought it to our attention, My father and mother as well as myself were in the conference room with my wife when my father asked what crime was comited except him telling my friends, myself, his union, he was going to take the rights he thought he deserved, He has to understand it is up to others to allow what rights he has, The U.S. Attorney I think could not believe what my father said, he asked what do you mean what rights me, myself and my friends allow the rights your son has? my father said there are people in a community that come in as an outsider, he needs to understand he does not have the same rights, The attorney said that's the crime that was commited, you and others conspired along with your sons wife to deny your sons civil rights.
My father just about dropped through the floor, the attorney said this is a situation where you used a woman that was on heavy mind controlling drugs, like seroquell, xanix, lithium, cogentan, and meloril, to get her cooperation in having your son stay in a place, he could have had a better life, My father said he's a big boy he could take more than most, No body expected somebody his size to ever be anything but a strong back, he was not supposed to be able to build computers, repair complex items, he was an outsider. He would not stay in the place he was assigned, The only thing any one could do to get his cooperation was get his wife to withhold sex unless he did what was expected.

I have been married 7 years to this man and I have back pain and he won't ask for sex or come on to me he says it's not in his nature, but he will look at **** 24/7 and I get nothing he mentally abusses me bewittes me and blames me for his seeking out other woman. I stay home 24/7 he leaves me no car and I don't know anyone who has a car and I have no phone. I am his prisoner. I have been drugged in the past I refuse to eat or drink.

Dear Kamama69,

Please, please, please, please- Get help immediately. You are in a severely abusive relationship beyond the help of anyone on this website. Please, I beg you, please go to your closest shelter for domestic abuse. I don't know where you live or I would try to help you find out who to call. Often, in many cities, you can call 211 to find social services. There is NOTHING normal about what you are experiencing. The next step for your husband will be to start beating you, and then, eventually, he will kill you. Please leave immediately- well obviously, wait until he is not home and you are not expecting him for hours, hopefully he has a job and you cold leave while he is at work. All big cities, and many counties in rural areas, have a shelter for women who are being abused by their husbands or boyfriends. It sounds like you are very isolated and may be living out in the country. Usually, in these situations, someone will come pick you up if you just call for help. If that is not possible, then please, just walk. I don't care if you are ten miles out in the country, walk. What you are describing is a prison and is VERY alarming. i am so scared for you.

I used to be married to an abusive man and I left him and changed my life. But even the abuse I suffered does not sound nearly as bad as what you are suffering. It is NOT OK for anyone to deprive you of transportation, to isolate you, make you feel bad about yourself, LET ALONE to DRUG fact, it is a criminal act, punishable by prison, for anyone to drug you.

You are gong to die of starvation or dehydration if you don't eat or drink.

Please write back and tell me you are still alive at least. Please tell me what town or city you are in or near, so I can help you find the help you need. Please, be very careful and try not to provoke the psychopath you are married to. He is not rational and will not respond the way a normal, rational, healthy adult would respond....I am not religious, but I will pray for you to be OK.

I agree with nomore12. GET OUT while you can! There are resources in place in every major city to help you get to safety. NO ONE deserves to be treated this way! This is not what love and marriage are about! And it's all the more horrific that you are dealing with health issues. You must have nourishment and hydration to live. He can't treat you this way unless you let him.

Hello, First off I want to say this is very en lighting. I have read many of your struggles and it helps me see that I am not crazy for feeling like I feel. Ladies that are struggling all that I can say is I wish I had a woman who would approach me about making love instead of it being me. You see my wife recently told me she did not want sex anymore with me until she healed from the dysfunction our marriage has caused her. She thinks I am a sex addict. Do I like Sex? absolute, it is how I connect on a deeper level. I do not look at ****, I do not cheat, I have taken financial care of her and her two children and adopted one of them for 13 years and she has never worked. I always have fear to pursue her because she has told me not to. She thinks I fill up on sex and she can not be my vessel to relive stress or fill up so she cuts me off totaly. New years eve I wanted to make love to her so bad so I ask, she got angry said I disrespected her and she wanted out of this marriage. of course now that I gave her the option and said fine now she tells me I do not care about her and called me trash and many other names she also has told me she hates me many times. She says I am the reason our marriage is bad and if it wasn't for me she could be happier. She always disrespected me in front of the kids and has treated mine like crap for years. All I want is to be respected and loved and maybe have my ego stroked sometimes instead of being torn down. I am not sying I have been perfect but I am saying I am dieing in side. I feel unloved and unwanted. I feel like she blames me for everything. I feel like I need to end my life so many times just so the pain will go away. I use to be strong and now I am week. Is it to much to ask to be honored and respected are there women out there who are like that? I put her on a pedestal so high and put her before my own kids. Am I asking to much am I being selfish? Please help me what do I do.

Vinny, Our society has become so callous anything you do will now be considered the most disrespecting thing you could ever do. on one side the law, you are not the master in your own home, the other side is the religious, they want you to be the forgiver. If you have the opportunity get out of this situation you should, Its better to rent a wife, I know my own situation has become so dark this might be bad advice but think on it.

Vinny, my heart goes out to you. As a woman with a high sex drive and a passionate person, it hurts like hell when your partner refuses your needs, and tries to make YOU out to be the bad guy for wanting what should be shared in a loving, generous and giving way. It's not right that both women and men are doing this to their mates! Especially in a marriage! It takes a LOT for a man to commit to a woman for the rest of his life, and so if he does, a wife should do everything in her power to keep him happy and satisfied (so long as its reciprocal). And that is not just sexually, BUT that is an important component of that. Clearly, you are putting out a lot of love and effort towards her. To put it bluntly, my now boyfriend was intimidated when we first met, because I made no bones about what I needed in a man sexually! That I would bone my man every night if I could! I have been on the receiving end of a sexless relationship, and I'll NEVER do it again. Sex should never be used as a bargaining tool or a weapon against the person you say you love. It is the glue that helps bind you together, gets you through rough times, and reaffirms and deepens your love for each other.

Women withholding sex is equal to a men withholding emotional support. Whoever started first should do their part. Because, I always show my emotional support until she withhold sex and then I completely ignore her. She then gets angry just like how I get angry when she withhold sex. Men are in a ball park of 65% physical to 35% emotional - and vice versa for women.

I am blessed I guess - I have the sex drive of a man!! But I'm all woman. So it was extremely painful to be denied what I needed (in two different relationships, no less!). I need emotional support AND great physical intimacy from my man. I am very blessed to have both now.

I read this and it's exactly how I feel. I love my girlfriend so deeply but she refuses to be intimate in any way. Even a kiss is only a peck. It's driving me mad I feel like she doesn't care and I am beginning to get angry and I'm a very passive person. It's out of my control because I try to treat her right compliment her and show her I care. I'm a good looking guy and could find someone else easily but all I want is her. What do I do??? Someone must be able to help. If I try to talk about it she gets angry and abusive I feel I've tried everything.

Ask her why and tell her how you feel like you can better or enjoy to express your emotions and care for her physically. Try to get her to understand where you're coming from.
If she is a "good girl" and is not yet ready to be physical, that is a different story. But definitely have a sober and thought provoking conversation with her. And I say sober because you don't want to take her out to dinner, have a few drinks, and then talk to her....she might get all emotional and feel like you're attacking her. The less you use the word "you" in your conversation, the less she'll feel like you're just trying to make her feel like a terrible girlfriend. When you do use the word "you" - only say positive things. Tell her how you feel and you would like to be more physical; talking in terms of "I feel like a physical connection is really important", "I really like it when you do ___. It makes me feel attractive/special/significant to you."
Good luck with your talk!!

If things don't improve after a month or so, you need to move on. They don't get better after marriage.

That is great advice, chaslady! Very objective, diplomatic and thoughtful. I agree totally with the "I" statements. They are a powerful tool to establish and affirm what you need without putting the other person on the defense.

ive been with my boyfriend for 8 yrs now ever since I had a kid with him he refused sex and became abusive he never ever wants sex and he has no sexual problems I use to get it once a year if I harassed him everyday and finally hed do it for like 6 minutes ..then it went to every other yr once now not at all he will say tomorrow we will then tomorrow comes and he will say tomorrow get the point he gives me the run around we are just roomates at this point and I never gained weight or anything other guys cant relate it really makes me insane he will go on **** though it hurts im rejected everyday its not that hard u know

I registered here because of this spot on description. Thank you so much

All you poor abused souls, wow, I didn't even know this was so bad and I was part of this huge group of people who have attached themselves to these sick life suckers!!! I would say my current husband is a ladykiller. He swooped in and totally took over my life, and I let him,,, When we met he really swept me off my feet. He is British, educated, charming, a huge flirt, loves women, especially older ones!!!! Mommy issues. I was fresh out of a 10 year boring, normal relationship and he was a English, drummer/ self published author/poet, that formally lived in my faviorite places in the world london and San Francisco for 10 years then moved to Laguna beach where he came to live with friends and stop drinking. He was sleeping on the couch of a 60 year old womans couch, he said they never had anything going on, i found letters later on proving that they did. he formally lived with a girlfriend who was 15 years his senior, and she kicked him out. He is a former addict of everything you can possibly chug, snort, smoke, shoot up, and screw. He at this point is clean except for smoking weed, and I had no idea how much he was smoking, it was a lot! But I didn't know this until I got pregnant 4 months into our relationship!!!!
It never was crazy throw you on the bed, have to have you now kinda sex that you have at the start of a relationship, especially with a musician, poet. All the signs were there I was just so blind and I thought things would change for some reason.
So after I find out I'm pregnant he unloads everything on me but slowly and nonchalantly, I use to have sex with Asian massage parlor girls, I wrote my first book in the corner of a tranny bar, my sister messed with me when I was little, I need to marry you so I can get my greencard so I can work to support you guys, ill watch the baby and you work, i found tones of **** on the internet and texting, i got spyware after a while. and on and on, all while I'm knocked up with his baby inside of me and its way to late to terminate the pregnancy. So much stupid stress and such a screwed up person, but I am a very giving and loving fool who was so tricked!
I had our beautiful baby girl and I just thought I was a habit, he didn't touch me while I was pregnant now we have to ease our way back into things. He was creeped out there was a baby in me a didnt think it was right to have sex with a pregnant woman.
In the last 3 months we've had sex 2 times. He says its my weight but I way the same as when we first started going out,,, I should have just moved to another state to get away from him,, but its so scary to be alone and pregnant. Luckily I think I've developed a backbone thanks to my beautiful daughter. I don't want her to expect to be treated this way when she grows up,
So my done button has been pushed, I know I am an amazing,beautiful person who deserves healthy love and he will never be able to give that to me, BUT, I depend on him to watch our daughter while I work to support our family, she is 16 months old. As unhealthy as it is I really feel right now if I just found a "friend with benefits" it would ease the pain and kinda empower me, kinda like a eff you to all the turn downs. But this is going to be a process and a half to get readjusted and get my ducks in a row and I have needs!!!! II feel like I need to go to a shelter for abused women and just get away from him for good.

My husband Ramon Acosta did this to me for a year I cried to him and asked what was wrong with me and he said nothing not until your ready to have my kid and it destroyed me. Every night I'd wonder mayb he's planning somthing romantic but nothing happend I remember catching him ************ that was extruciating pain: as a woman his wife he left me a scar
In novenmer he confessed to cheating and I remember telling him thank you because I know I wasn't the problem it was you and I left him I soon filed for a divorce and waiting on it to be final

i feel your pain man....

i feel your pain man....

My ex rarely complimented me, rarely if ever had sex with me if I initiated it, he had sexual problems but would not get help even when I was so patient and understanding, he said he loved me every day but he was very controlling in a covert way and I am only just realising how much sex was part of that control now as it is 6 months after we split. It still affects me and I believe that I am too ugly or undesirable to find another man. Don't put up with this treatment it eats away at you

my husband refuses to have sex with me because we broke up for a year and I was with 1 other man, he was with others-multiple. Me=1. Needless to say he wants to get off so oral for him, and I'm supposed to be ok with it, he'll tease me and get me worked up and then nothing for me but pent up frustration and going it alone just isn't the same. I am fed up with the emotional and verbal and now this kind of abuse! I just don't understand, i guess his pride is damaged, but sex is a great way to convey love in a marriage.

Even if she agreed to read this artical, it would just **** her off and id be in a worse place than I was before she read.

Finally!! someone nailed it. It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced and Ive been raped in the past we had such a wonderful relationship and he just stopped 4 years ago:( it breaks my heart I think about it all the time Ive considered cheating which kills me. And he claims to fear God???? I really want to know why so bad he's given all kinds of excuses and got pissed when I bought a vibrator I have no option really he is the breadwinner and we have two kids plus the really hard part is that he means so much to me he's my best friend everything else is great except this! And I want my girls to have a Dad. What scares me is that I get really suicidal sometimes because i miss making love.

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now, and literally do everything for him. He just started work about 2 weeks ago and I drive and pick him up to work every day, and all I ask for is a kiss and a thank you. At first, our sex life was unreal but we didn't "do it" all the time like most new couples. Not for nothing but I am a nursing student, and I know how to talk to people. I noticed that when discussing the issue of sex with my boyfriend I had to walk on eggshells. I mean what guy wants their girlfriend nagging them especially about sex? I always have to walk on eggshells for him. He told me he was just tired from working and what not and I respect that. However, I brought it up a few times after that and he still hasn't even made a move or anything!!!! I'm scared to initiate sex for fear of rejection. When I brought it up again he said that's all I care about and that I was the dumbest person he knows. And said he hates when girls throw themselves at him.... But who the hell else am I supposed to throw myself at? I shouldn't have to get my boyfriend intoxicated to want me. I'm starting to believe that I am unworthy and ugly. The other night I literally put on my favorite dress, and took a bunch of clonidine hoping to not wake up. I have no one to talk to. Please help! Your story was reassuring.Thanks,<br />

"I was the dumbest person he knows. "
That's verbal abuse.
...Forget about the lack of sex for a minute, do you think you deserve to be treated like crap, when you're bending over backwards to be at this guy's beck and call?
...Look, a very wise friend of mine explained to me that our job in relationships is to build each other up. To make each other feel loved, and worthy, and confident, so that together, we're stronger.

"I'm starting to believe that I am unworthy and ugly."
Do you want to stay with someone who makes you feel unworthy and ugly? This problem-that is, him making you feel bad about yourself-is just going to get worse.

Don't put up with him verbally abusing you any more, sweetheart. He's got a problem or two, he needs to deal with that, not put it on you.

...But, you probably won't want to walk away from him on just the say-so of a stranger on the internet.
So do this: Look for abusive and hurtful things he tells you about yourself. Write them down with date and time. Write down how many compliments he gives you, too, in the same way.
Just write it down. This stuff has a way of sliding out of your mind, you see.

Dear Alayna, I am going through the same thing and often feel suicidal. The thoughts that stop me are that I'm scared of the pain of dying and don't want my last memories to be bleeding or being ill and in pain and I want to die happy. I want to leave but often feel too weak and low to get a job and save up the money I need to move out( I suffer from depression, insomnia, panic attacks when I go into busy places). I attempted to slit my wrists about a year ago and nothing's any better since then. However I do feel slightly stronger. My heart goes out to you at this time and I hope you find things other than this man to give fulfillment and joy in life. I will be here for you to talk to!

Someone has finally put it into words of how I feel.

I have been married for 2 years and also second marriage and a kid with him. my husband has lost his libido and he tells me it is my job to make the apt. But then I find out he want to have sex with other men and ****** off of singles site asking for sex also looking at **** all night at work. when I am begging all the time I tell him I want to have fantasies sex durning the weekend i would look at **** and have him tell me what he wants but when the weekend get here turned down again.
I want him to have his libido back but I am afraid that he will act on his desirable of wanting men and that will kill me. I love him very much but I am so afraid of losing him
I just want him to look at me how hard is it to do that I cook clean do laudry take care if the kids so he can sleep because he has a night job but can't he really take time aside to appreciate me to make me feel special.

This is base.
I've been emotionally abused throughout my childhood and adolescence, and I'm now unable to have sex with my boyfriend. I cringe at the thought of it. When I've tried I feel like I'm being sexually abused by a family member. The reason I stay in the relationship is because of him, because I love him and he only wants to be with me. He recently proposed and we are now engaged. I would try to off myself if I he didn't need me to live. Do you reckon I should just do it anyway, to save him the burden of having to live with a monster like me? Seriously... Your rant is so small-minded and obstinate it almost made me want to.

Please DO NOT get married, because you are not able to give what a man needs !!!!!!!!!!
You schuld never marry , because you can not give what a man NEEDS.
My wife refuses me sex for nog more than 5,5 heats and it is absolute HELL for me !!.!.!.!!.!.!...!l!

if you cannot give the same love that your partner needs then you should not get involved with someone who wants a sexual relationship. if you do you are only asking that person to live in your hell.

When a man shuts his wife out...Ignores her when she tries to talk to him about problems they need to resolve...And refuses to meet her emotional needs, that is also abuse. A woman should never give her body to her husband unconditionally. After 21 years of marriage, giving my husband his needs while he refused to meet mine...all I can say is I don't want him to touch me. I am not trying to withhold sex for punishment. I just don't feel any desire for sex with him because I feel like he pushed me away emotionally. Without a feeling of an emotional connection, I feel used. I refuse to live like that anymore.

You have taken an illegal attitude !!!!!!!.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.!!!
You are unfaithfull, and are imposing your will on him !!
you should be paying for all the cost of a divorce !!!!!

Holy crap...I could have written those it is though...I love my husband..he is a phenomenal father and provider..he is a good he really? I am starting to wonder...bu let me ask yo do you put your need of intamacy above your child's need of a stable two parent home?

thats exactly how I feel

I agree with EVERYTHING you have written and, by sheer coincidence, identify with most of it. I thought I was in a loving relationship, a 23+ year marriage where I was the patient husband, always putting the feelings, needs and situations of my spouse ahead of my own. I saw all her avoidance's of intimacy as everything and anything except what is truly was - her calculated plan to refuse and withhold sex, to keep me hanging, to keep me around (and my paycheck and hard work, etc.). I saw it all, but thru rose-colored glasses, never letting my thoughts go that place where my dear, 'loving' wife was superficial & selfish *****, always rationalizes her excuses and actions for her refusals of intimacy in the best light for her.

That was, until this past Christmas. No matter what our situation was, we always made love Christmas Eve, after we had done our Santa routine. In some years, it was our only intimacy (and not for lack of asking and begging on my part). And it was always great and my wife was always passionate, dare I say an animal once we got going. But this year that ended.

I did our Santa bit, our daughters who are grown now (23 &17) fast asleep, and climbed in bed with my wife and let her know that all was done until the morning. She thanked me, and I kissed her softly and snuggled up to her - she said 'NO'! I ask what? She said she didn't feel like sex and she didn't care what day it was. I was kind of dazed and confused.

Christmas Day I asked her about the night before, she said she didn't remember. Now I could feel my blood beginning to boil but calmly asked her again about the night before, did she have any problems with breaking our 26 year tradition? She said she didn't care, it was silly and she wasn't going to have sex unless SHE wanted it. I asked if she knew when the last time we had sex (it was the previous Xmas Eve), she said she didn't care.

That was 3 weeks ago. I have been very quiet over that time, there isn't much to say when you've realized the woman you love, who you thought loved you and you've been together for 28 years is in reality a selfish *****. That notion is always in front of my brain, so engaging in chit-chat is kind of difficult. She, on the other hand, thinks I should get over it and has stopped talking to me which is kind of funny in a sad way.

Your story struck me sadly. I can certainly relate, but I'm the woman being mistreated. I hope your tradition returned in the years that followed. I'm still waiting for mine.

My relationship has just ended again for the fifth time with the same girl. I love this girl with all my heart, she was my world. In the early days she used to flirt and have intimate conversations with many other men and each time our relationship broke down. In July 2011 it broke down for the forth time and she met and had sex with a stranger from a dating site. After a month or so she came back to me telling me she had made a huge mistake and how sorry she was for everything she had done. Cutting a long story short she convinced me she had changed so I went back to her.

Her ex husband then said he was moving 400 miles away and taking her children with him. We of course had no choice but to follow. We were only in our new place for 6 weeks before she started to doubt if she want to be together or not. We battled on.

She has many emotional problems most of which are about not having full time care of the children. I have alway tried to understand it.

However she never wanted to have sex with me and in ge last 4 months we had sex 3 times. I felt like I was going mad. I now feel completly inecure, worthless and all the other emotions this article explains.

She said she loves me and wishes it had worked but how can I believe that when she has yet again left me wishing I wasn't alive. All she had do was make me feel like I mattered and it could all have been so different.

My husband Ramon Acosta usmc withheld sex from me!! He emotionally abused me! I was blind and believed him for his reasons and no I think back it wasn't me it was his guilt and am glad to be away from a narccistic individual !!

I am a man of 75..still have a healthy libido.
I was married to my first wife very young..and had 2 sons, and gained custody when she met another man.
I met my 2nd wife a few years after the first ended..and she said she loved when I got a council flat it was natural she came too.
From the onset she insisted on her own room, and never wanted to sleep with me or make love.
There were always excuses...'the boys are here'...even when they were absent...when they left home..'I want a house'...we got one...'we're not married'....we married...still nothing....months and months, then years passed...I loved her....took our vows seriously...then it became too late to leave...but then the bombshell.
She was 32 when we met...and recently she told me...she had lived with a guy from India...Colin Grant for 3 years...shared bed and room and had sex 3 times a week with him..but when she met me and my boys thought it would make a nice little family unit for her but she hadn't intended to have a love life!
I could never go through a divorce...she thrived in her profession...getting a headship...while I gave up my music as the place we moved to in Middlesex was a musical desert!
So a big THANKS to Christine Cunninham from NELSON for the 40 plus years of celibacy you gave me, the self confessed idiot who thought your behaviour was perhaps a medical issue.
I am of course going my age where? And why should I?

You coulden't have written that better, it sums up exactly how I am feeling. Untill I found this site and read what you and others have written I felt totally alone and lost. I thought I was the only person who feels as bad as this, I am so sorry for everyone else on here going through this but it is reassuring to know I am not alone.I am 24, and My boyfriend of 7 years left me for another woman and I stupidly took him back a year ago, when we split up he started taking mirtazapine just to get on the sick ( he admits this) and he has come back to me and we have had sex 6 times in a year, all of which I have had to plead for. He hasn't tried anything remotely sexual with me since his return and everytime I try to gently discuss this it results in a row, I made him go to the doctors to rule out anything medical and they found nothing and have told us it is more than likely down to the mirtazapine. (Though he has never had a big sex drive, I could handle it before because it was alot more often.) He promises to stop them but then I find him taking them again.The only thing he seems to get excited about or have any energy for is seeing his mates, an hour from where we live, he has the energy for this but why not for me?I am heartbroken. I have tried everything, herbal and prescription medicines, sexy outfits, asking him how I could please him, I am open to anything but he will not listen. The excuses are all the same, too tired, just doesn't feel like it etc, what bothers me the most is his unwillingness to discuss it and it results in a row everytime. I am attractive and loving, a nice person etc, I don't know what to do, please helpxx

So here it is ok to cry after 12 years, thank you.

Thank you for giving me a perspective in my failing relationship. I tried everything communicating, asking for therapy, initiating sex. He always made me feel awful like I was some sort of pervert.
The excuses were "I am tired, sleepy, stressed, headaches. We were intimated 7 times in two years!
I became pregnant the last time we were together. He won't hold me or touch me because I am pregnant. I feel so alone, unwanted, unloved and can't handled the fact that he masturbates while he withholds love and intimacy.
After reading your page I realized it is abuse! I can not deal with it any longer. I want to separate while I still have some part of me that loves me left!

I am right where you are!!! my daughter is 2 now and I have an 8 year old from previous relationship. my husband refused to touch me and told me my body parts were ugly (while I was 8 months preggo) he laughed even when I tried to dress sexy. laughed out loud. I am dependant on him as a provider and we are great friends but when it comes to sex he is too tired, not in the mood, or just flat out says no. we have sex maybe 5 times a year and he can never even look at me when we do. that only makes me feel worse. I have become bitter and angry and probably insane by now. I have started yelling aty the children and my desire to even lift my head off the pillow is gone. I told him I need sex and he told me im a spoiled, selfish little girl who uses my parents and him. why my parents came into the argument is part of his crazy ways of manipulating me into thinking its my fault. I keep asking myself if I really am because I want to leave and tear apart this otherwise happy home. but is it really happy???? no?! im his maid, his mother and his friend. I clean for him and wash his clothes and look pretty when we go to his work functions where I have to sit with all the Army wives talking about how their men wont leave them alone and I have to pretend I know what that's like. I wish I could feel that. I wish I was walking around still feeling him inside me. that is long gone and I am some how the freak for wanting it.

It just hurts so much. I blame myself and have torn apart every aspect of my life trying to find where I have the problem. I have spent countless nights crying. I have torn myself down. The feelings of being unattractive and rejected by the person I love the most in the world are consuming me. It's such a dark, dark place to be living.

THAAAAANK YOOOOUUUUU!!!! I've tried to be the best husband, father and provider I can be but LO!!! I am a Kenyan male 32 years of age. I met my wife 4 years ago to this date, we soon got married and settled down, she had a daughter so I have taken her to be my daughter. We have a two year old son together, light of my life. Last year Oct, we went through a financial crisis and lost our home, by May this year I had to move into my parents with my son and she moved with our friends, a married couple with a daughter the same age as our son. From Dec last year our intimacy was very corroded. When we lived separately, she had gotten to the point of disrespecting me even among our friends. We got a place end of July and she promised things would get better. As I write this I'm done being in this situation. Last night I came home from a hard day, my only client threatened to fire me (our intimacy issues are now starting to interfere with work), some pending payments taking long, and a friend of mine committed suicide leaving a son my son's age and a wife (got me thinking), I try to tell her about my day and she runs off to catch her favorite soap drama on tv... I'm DONE!!! This is unacceptable if anything, for my son's sake. I AM RECLAIMING WHO I AM AND WHAT I ALLOWED HER TO TAKE FROM ME!!!

Blessings for this post and all your shares.

I've never been into a relation and still virgin. Having Read this, i'll make a point in my relation to fulfil each other's sexual and emotional needs wen i'd be in one. :P. But as far as i know, if two gay men are boyfriends, they rarely have to encounter a sexless relation. Lol.

I am in this situation now. It totally sucks. She refuses to even talk about it. 4th year of marriage, 9th year of relationship. She cant even look at me when we talk about it. So sad.

My former husband used to stare at either the floor or at the ceiling whenever I would initiate a discussion on our sexless marriage so I know what you mean.

You need to ask yourself how much longer you are willing to accept this unacceptable, selfish, immature and irresponsible behaviour from her.

You say that she refuses to discuss it. Are your feelings not important to her? Are you not important to her? Is saving her marriage important? If so, she needs to emotionally engage with you...for your sake and for the sake of your marriage. It cannot go on like this will get worse if the issue(s) are not discussed. Good luck.

Hi, thank you. We fought for three straight days about it. I persisted and gave her an ultimatum. Either communicate with me or leave my life. She refused to share her emotions with me and said she didn't wanna talk about "us" anymore. She laid all of the blame on me for being "mean" and refused to accept any responsibility at all for our problems even after I admitted that I have issues and apologized for my own behavior. As normal, she did not apologize to me. Sunday, in the middle of a family crisis, she decided to go to her parents. I texted her because something felt funny. I asked if she was coming back and she said "I dunno, you've hurt me so much these past 3 days." So I filed for divorce Monday morning. While I feel that I have been ripped apart, I know this is the best thing for me. My house is a complete mess, I am about to finish my masters' degree, and I have to teach night classes. I am emotionally unstable, but heading down the right path on my own. In spite of these feelings, which are nearly more than I can bare, I will never go back because I decided that being alone is better than being with someone who does not care about me. The sex stopped about 2 years ago --slowed down to about 5 times a year. She said there were medical issues, but refused to go to a doctor. No love or affection for so long. no soft kisses, no cuddles, nothing. She turned around in bed about 1.5 years ago and Ive been sleeping with her feet ever since, until now. I am 39, feel old and depressed, and feel I have lost something even though in the end I know I will gain my dignity and self-respect. She made me feel like a pervert for wanting intimacy and belittled my attempts to share my emotions with her. I feel sick. I hope that time goes by quickly and heals my broken heart. This is so weird because its like I watched from outside myself as I ended my marriage, which at first seemed it would last a lifetime.

Hi, I am going through exactly the same and feel exactly the same as you and I just wanted to say, thankyou for giving me hope that I could leave too, and find another road to this hellish one, also, 39 isn't old your still young and atleast you haven't made this beak in your sixtees or seventees x

sorry to hear that it happend to me for almost a year n on thanksgiving he admited to cheating. He hurt me so badly but am divorcing him. I hope one day he regrets it and love ***** him!! Don't let anyone hurt you put a stop to it ASAP!

Today is the final day I stay in this place, We picked her sister and her husband last night and the only thing keeping me for another day is the turnover and keys to the next owners, I was going to turn in the equipment tomorrow for my cable phone and internet, but the cable company said the next owners just want a transfer with a phone number change so at 10: am tomorrow I will be using hot spot communications until I get out west. The only cell is a track phone but the farther west I go the worse that will be.
My wife is crying about the great memories we are leaving, but for the life of me I can't remember anything here as great, I only remember pain, denial, people telling me I had to do what they wanted, and work.
Then I realized while I was being denied a life she was living one, as far as I am concerned the Great lakes can swallow this state, all the ideals and the egotism that is prevelent, I am not apologetic to those I have hurt, they started it, I am not apologetic for taking back my life, I owe no one here a thing as far as being loyal.
I was asked if there was a way I could consider leaving my wife here and me leaving, We would stay married and I would pay for her household, but it seemed that was a good solution, This was not my wife's suggestion, I said I leave, my money leaves and all ties are cut tomorrow morning except fore returns from utilities, all final bills are paid except medical, filed suit on insurance for then to get off their rear and get going along with about a 100000 others it seems. That's another sticking point with my father. I don't like having medical insurance that wont pay their parts.
I am not nice when I call them. I also wont consider paying for two households. and I keep our son due to her bi polar and inability to drive.
Her friends and my father feel I am being unfair, said you are taking her away from friends just for your own spite, and inability to let the past go.
I mentioned that I was not the one who suggested a new ease in time, the one started in 1985 has not worked, so why forget the past.
Today my wife has made her decision she leaves with me, her sister and her husband. We will be back home six or seven days from now. These friends here can drop dead. They were not my friends, they were my users.
My sister in law said what did the others want from me. I said my fealty, they are not getting it.
I ask. would you listen to a society and a father that wanted just to torment you, or would you lay your terms down and leave.

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I just saw a funny joke and wrote a response to it that may sum some of this up. Jokes are often funny because they contain large kernels of painful truth.

The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection .
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm looking for a place to live, can you help me?

Could this be a possible follow-up for this story (or as Paul Harvey would say “The Rest of the Story”) and the relocation help you requested?

I don’t understand why in the world she would have a problem with this response. After all, she should understand that it’s tough for most guys to get excited about a woman who deliberately, systematically turns herself into a 250# +++ cow. This will be especially true if she was dead from the neck down for weeks, months or even years at a time when she was only 130# and hot stuff. All things considered, how can she expect instant attention and response after she doled out years worth of rejection and piled on the pounds to make sure he left her alone? She shouldn’t be surprised, this is a perfectly predictable ending to the story and ultimately the one she wanted.

Maybe you should give her this before your relocation.

To Brightonion

Walk away while you still can. Before I married my wife she asked me to wait until the wedding night so that it was special - even though we had both had prior relationships. I made the mistake of agreeing and have now endured a virtually sexless marriage for more than 28 years. I can tell you people don’t change. If you man does not want sex now he almost certainly never will and the OP is spot on with how it feels.

I am now more and more thinking that in my 50's it is now or never for me - but it is scary leaving a marriage that has lasted so long - despite the unending pain.

I divorced in my mid forties and despite the emotional and severe financial tolls it took on me, I can honestly say that I have never been happier than I am right now.

It takes time away from a sexless marriage to fully digest just how dysfunctional it really was. One knows it's bad when they're actually in it, but physical distance and the gift of time give major insight into just how wrong/unacceptable it really was.

Good luck to you wherever your journey takes you. 28 years? And you're only in your 50's? With all due respect, don't you think you owe it to yourself to actually enjoy YOUR life at some point? That may sound disrespectful, but I ask it earnestly.

I completely relate to this...sadly. I am in a relationship with a devoted, kind, funny and apparently normal kind of guy. Except we only have sex maybe once or twice a year. He doesn't compliment me on my looks, hardly holds my hands or initiates hugs or any form of physical closeness. He gives all kinds of reasons (e.g. tired, stress, we don't live together etc).<br />
<br />
I am afraid cos we are talking about marriage and I love him very much but it would kill me if I went into this and realise I made a mistake. He assures me that things will change once we get our own place but my self esteem, confidence and self worth has been taking quite a blow. Should I trust him and take a chance? Or walk away when I've invested 5 years of time and effort into this relationship? Everything is great EXCEPT for this heart breaking fact.

Walk. Away.

Don't just walk away; RUN GIRL RUN! RUN, just as fast and far as you can as if you were on fire! I have spent 37 years in a marriage with one that is much as the one you describe. Promises, excuses, in 37 years there isn't an excuse or reason I haven't heard. What you will find is there will always be a reason for a cold dead fish being cold and dead. At this point you are only out 5 years. Consider yourself lucky that you aren't out 30 or 40 years. I just wish I had known before saying "I DO" what I know now. If I had, "I Do" would have been "Like Hell I will"!

I am in an almost similar situation. My heart breaks for you because only someone that has been in this situation knows the pain that you are enduring.

I was in a similar situation and I married him. He was the most wonderful guy I'd ever met, and although our physical relationship was not great I felt that it didn't matter because everything else about him was so wonderful. We have had sex about 5 times since we married nearly 3 years ago. When we talk about it it ends up in an argument, and he can't explain what the problem is, apart from the stress, tiredness, the kids. We have 3 kids between us. He criticizes my son, and from almost day one he stopped paying me any compliments. If I did something for him, he would point out the one thing I did wrong. He now says its because he thought I would leave him - but why would he think that as soon as we got married? He is not abusive like the other people mentioned here, he doesnt insult me, and he is making some changes which make me believe he may be able to change. But I'm not sure...

1 More Response

Omg I feel like I could have written this so many if the things it says I have felt in my gut and have verbalized thank you so much for writing this it vindicated me

To All:<br />
I would just like to thank everyone who has posted on behalf of, ISELFLOVE. I just wanted to tell my story for all to see. I am the former husband to the poster, "glitterinmyveins". I'm sure you all remember her. Reference: (Oct. 4, 2010) <br />
I am a former Marine. I was married to, we'll call her gliter, for 5 years. In the begining everything was great. Life, love, and intimacy was great. I was deployed with the Marine Corps in 2005. Soon after I had discovered, through my sister, that my wife had moved in with another guy. After receiving this information I stopped sending money to her. This woman thought enough of herself to write our congresswoman a letter stating that I was not supporting her. The result was our congresswoman, "Missouri", calling my commanding officer to relay the message that I had to start sending her money again. I was irate. Not only was my wife living with another man, but I had to pay their bills too. Some time after returning home from the Marine Corps I began to persue my degree. She called me one day and ask me to have dinner. Against my better judgement I went; thus began a new relationship. Despite our past I decided to give it an honest shot. Our relationship was good once again. Time had past and she became more distant. She began to refuse any and all intimacy. This refusal, over time, cause additional problems within our relationship. I compromised myself in anyway possible to make her happy, thinking it woud make a difference. I had lost my sense of self-worth and knew that the problem was me. I tried to talk to her to, "get things in the open". I even went as far as to suggesting journals for when we had arguements. Instead of fighting we would write our disagreement in a journal and give it to the other person. I thought this would allow each side to better understand the others point-of-view. This lasted all of two days. I began to seek assistance in other places, which led me to this forum. Reading what everyone had to say and the logic behind it gave me a second wind. I decided to show her what ISELFLOVE had suggested. As you may have read already, she did not agree. I thank all who explained to her the simple logic. It was quite amusing to see her eat her own words. I just wanted to encourage everyone who is being, "dragged through the mudd". There is life on the otherside. I am now free of the neglect and you can be too. I am now in a great relationship with someone who is able to treat me in a fashion that I deserve. It's been a little over a year since this forum gave me the will to do what needed to be done. I should have realized much earlier, but after her post I realized the kind of person she was. I realized that my feelings for her were just that, "Mine". I am able to do with them as I please. So, I decided to give them to someone else. I am now in a caring relationship with someone who returns the intimacy, respect, and work. Every relationship takes work. I'm just glad I have finally found someone to share the load.

Well This is crazy I would suppose there is more men going through this. I am actually a woman 40 and married, SEX was great in the beginning when we were in our 20 even up to may be 30's that I recall. But ever since we bought a house in 2006 Sex is not that great , and guess what we have no children so that even sucks for me because everyone around me has had them .Everything came late in our lives while others got married and divorced with or without kids. I married at 32 years old got my house at 34 I have traveled, I even got oprated because I had fybroids when I was 37 to discover that thats why I was not getting pregnant. Oh Well, To give you a great example I have been documenting my dates of when I have sex So we had sex sometime in February and not until just recent May 13th, 2012. Tis is not normal. I do not consider myself a bad looking and still haver a decent body, I have to admit Im sexy , buy this is REALLY not normal how can a 41 man not desire his wife, funny thing I know he has no one else Hes with me .He actually smokes, drinks and a little overweight could that be the problem he is tired, as I am writing this post he is laying down, watching tv supposedly but I hear him snoring, He uses the excuse that I was a B____h today and using it as a mean of punishment. I have tried to converse with him but he makes me feel like Im wrong , and I told him analyze yourself and your rejections towards me and hes like yeah whatever. Please help me Thank you and sorry for venting because this has been going like this way too many times and rejection sucks

Every so often when I question if I have made a right decision as to whether or not I made the right decision about getting out of my own SM. I come read this. Just the medicine I need. Tanks :-)

I have been in a previous relationship that was sexless and robbed me of my self esteem. Now I thought I was involved with a good guy but it turns out he is much like the other one bahhh sick of ******** pretending to be good people.

You are fantastically correct in this. I was just telling an EP friend of mine that I think by refusing sex, W is in a way abusing me. It's been going on for 15 months and counting, and this is the second time this marriage has gone SM. The first time was almost 2 years. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Call me stupid for staying, but my two adorable kids are the one reason why I am here. Thanks for verbalizing what I have been thinking.

i just read this and i sill make excuses. I'm married 19 years. we have a child that I could never walk away from. Oh we do have sex once a month, but I feel like she's only doing it because she has to. She would never ask or even come over to kiss me other than to say hi or bye. Never any contact by her in a sexual way. As if its dirty or something. She wasn't like this before. I don't know when it started. I'm just tired of that alone feeling. I need to be held, loved and touched in that way only your lover can. It's been at least 10 years since my wife touched me that way. I still have not gone behind her back. But that will change soon.

damn...publish this so I can tape it on her pillow....feaking is abuse. Thanks for expressing it so well.

Like many of the previous posters here, I want to thank you for opening this discussion. I find that virtually 99% of all books, websites, advice forums, etc. advocate staying married - regardless of the situation (unless there's physical abuse involved). And they almost always assume the unhappy partner hasn't spent a significant amount of time and effort into trying to improve/save the marriage.<br />
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What they all fail to recognize is that (a) it takes two people really trying to make it work, (b) usually the one who hasn't been trying only starts doing so when it's too late - and only because they don't want a divorce (for financial, religious, or social reasons, mostly), and (c) sex and physical affection are absolutely an integral part of love if both parties are relatively healthy. I fail to understand the huge disconnect between sex and love in these people's minds - it is almost as if they feel like sex is somehow dirty and/or "just physical" and therefore less important. Sex is NOT just physical (although it can be) - it is the way our bodies are designed to express the deepest admiration and love for someone.<br />
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It's also disturbing how the "denying" or abusive/selfish/ungiving spouse ends up somehow on the moral high ground and gets to play the martyr role. And yes - this is usually the wife, but not always. I also find it equally disturbing that we have become a society of cowards, too easily shamed into saying what is true because it doesn't fit into the "moral" majority. As far as I'm concerned it is immoral to expect a person to stay married when the their partner for years refuses to work on the marriage (including sex). It is immoral to use "ethics" or religion to subjugate anyone to this existence. Men, women, society, and the courts need to make divorce acceptable and even recommended IF real effort has been made to make the relationship work and it doesn't.

This is so true

Thank you for this post i am living with the sitution right now you made me feel as if i am not alone you clarified my thought of divorcing him and i am going to because i cannot live this way anymore you are right on when you say that divorce is the only answer one just cant try by themselves it is a no win contest thank you again.

Quietman, you're absolutely right. Our feminized society has the playing field necessary for compromise tilted against men. I haven't had sex in almost a year and a half. It's always my inability to fulfill her emotional needs. Whenever I bring it up, I'm to blame. If I leave, she keeps the kids, and needs the house because of it. She doesn't work, and despite rising costs to raise kids she's made no attempt to find employment. <br />
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The kids are older now, she doesn't need to be in the home all the time. She refuses to move or take any measures to reduce living costs. We both have MBAs and she once had a career. Why should I, or any husband, carry the entire burden to keep the family financially stable, try to figure out his wife's vague emotional needs, and in the process suffer celibacy?<br />
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Certainly my comments could hold for any woman in a similar situation. But it's a more common situation for men. Women are liberated to control their bodies. Men have to take it without complaint or be labeled a sexual predator.

The irony in not telling the refused marriage partner the reason(s) for the unwillingness to make love is that the refuser will often tell a close friend or, ( God forbid ) someone that they ARE physically involved outside the relationship, the exact reason(s) for the denial of relations with their significant other.<br />
For those stating the sex is not important in a marriage, thats what sex was made for; the context of marriage. How could something God made for marriage not be important?

My wife stopped having sex and sleeps on the couch. She gets a disgusting look when ever I mention sex. It seems a burden to her when I ask for a hug , she just pats me on the back. Married 9 years 59 years old. I am totally beside myself and feel rejected and used. I work in her business 10 hours a day 7 days a week without pay. What a fool.

My wife stopped having sex and sleeps on the couch. She gets a disgusting look when ever I mention sex. It seems a burden to her when I ask for a hug , she just pats me on the back. Married 9 years 59 years old. I am totally beside myself and feel rejected and used. I work in her business 10 hours a day 7 days a week without pay. What a fool.

OMG you just wrote about my life. Whilst I have been trying to maintain honour (his and mine) I have been in denial about the fact that is IS emtional abuse. Your words are so clear and true I can't deny them (to myself) because underneath the everyday struggle those are the feelings I've been experiencing. Your words give me courage to go on believing I can make it out of this. Tentative exit plan in place- scared to death, but must keep trying. I hope I reach the other side as you have and find the life I know I should be experiencing with or without a future man. Because it surely can't be any lonlier and exhausting than it is right now.

very very well said and oh so true, I too have written a non blaming love letter to my hubby and have had no response, have tried talking and all I get is your ******* me off, so now I will use your letter as a guideline to my next and final letter to him, hopefully this will help him see the light in what is happening in our relationship..thank you so much for inspiring us all

SO... what do we do, as a female, in the meantime?? Stick around for the kids sake? Yes, at this point, we are simply roomates...

What about emotional, verbal and physical abuse as a reason for just not wanting sex with the person. I want sex, but I don't want to have it with someone who constantly criticizes and complains, a person who doesn't want to offer the type of intimacy needed to invoke the desire to be sexual with one's spouse. Talk about a mood killer....Real love is about acceptance; it is unconditional and giving, being kind, thoughtful, considerate. If you don't have that much, then it ain't love, it's just sex.

Dear bambootree...<br />
I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you, and the added pressure of him ultimately being alone and in a nursing facility is understandable. That's not your problem but I understand that you have your own views about it. But I'd like to offer you some advice...<br />
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You say that he is impotent, but how come he's not interested whatsoever in bringing you any type of sexual closeness other than intercourse? Does he feel so ashamed or so worthless that he cannot bring himself to bring you any type of pleasure? This is not normal. Impotency, yes, that is normal. No outward ex<x>pression, no affection, no other source of sexual pleasure? That is not normal. There are soooo many other things he can do to satisfy you...he can rock your world if he only tried. What's holding him back? Perhaps you need to actually SHOW him what you'd like. Geez...if you tell him exactly how to please you and then he still does not do it, then where is YOUR quality of life? Neither of you are bed-ridden in a nursing home yet...isn't there something both of you can do to bring back the intimacy? This is said, of course, unless he is a genuine refuser.<br />
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Good luck to you both. And thank you for reading my stories/comments.

It's very interesting to read "Iselflove" writing and opposite comments too.<br />
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I wish I could email Iselflove's writing to my husband who not only refused initimacy with me but scolded me whenever i initiated intimacy.<br />
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The problem is what is the result of sending him all these words? I know for sure that nothing will change or happen. His impotency is caused by illness, nothing much he can do about it. We dicussed about our sexless marrigage many times and we agreed that we can have "alternative sex" instead of traditional intercourse. However he never did that, he rather completely ignore anything to do with intimacy. The fact that made me angry with him is he didn't try anything and doesn't care my feeling. I can't imagine how a person can be so cruel???<br />
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We don't have children together. I am not leaving him because he will end up in nursing home and die alone if I am not there with him.

For foolishnessinmyveins, I don't know whether you are married or not but the reality is that sex is a part of marriage and if you don't like sex, skip any and all love relationships. Now, that being said, I do fully agree with you that denying your partner sex is not abuse but it can make your spouse feel worthless. Both partners need to find a way to work through this issue and if the one refusing to connect stubbornly continues to resist all efforts at repairing the marriage, especially after a period of a decade plus, it's probably time to move on. No one should stay where they're not wanted after all attempts are rejected.

Dear thomasthetank...<br />
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Thanks for disclosing the intimate details you just wrote. I now understand how you feel. My STBXH had no desire for me but I can still understand how it must make you feel when he grabs you, gropes you and expects sex. It must make you feel like he doesn't respect you or the fact that you need real sleep after being up with the children all day and night and working so hard. <br />
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Maybe, just maybe, he doesn't look at it this way. Maybe it's his way of connecting with you after you've been apart because of the kids and work. Maybe he thinks nighttime is the only time he can literally reach out and touch you. But that is not fair to you. You deserve to be loved throughout the some type of affectionate way...and not just in the middle of the night when you need to let your body and mind rest in order to deal with the next day's responsibilities. <br />
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I think counseling would benefit both of you. It would also be great to plan some 'alone time' together, but the flipside to a dirty weekend is that if people can't make love in their own marital bed and need to rent one in a hotel, then the problems are much bigger than just stealing a weekend away together.<br />
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Good luck to both of you. I hope things work out. If the marriage is strong enough and the love is real and still there everyday, then I think there's hope for both of you. The key is communicating your feelings to each other.

The answer to your question is no we don't really cuddle or kiss and I have discussed things with him many times, there are times I really want to hold him and caress him but see the thing is then it has to be sex as caressing or any affection means sex so I don't do anything anymore for that reason which I have tried to discuss as well, at one stage my husband had a nervous breakdown and he was on tablets and he said he was so sorry for the things he done and would stop harassing me which lasted ooh maybe a months the empty promises are endless so there is so much resentment on my side and I know that is my problem and I have to deal with that but don't know how to get rid of it. We had a great marriage and I loved him so much and after having kids the pressure he put on me for sex and all the other pressures (like me having a affair), having two children under 2 and working five days a week, I needed support as well which I feel I wasn't given as it was all about him getting sex and harassing me for it which has made sex into a duty and not fun and loving anymore. Don't get me wrong I think about sex but like you said it has become an isssue in the mind and that I don't know how to fix. Maybe I should see a counsellor and see what happens and fix me and my thoughts then maybe work on the marriage side? I just really wondered if there was anyone else out there who gets harassed for sex and how they feel , as I am anxious about going to sleep at night as he might wake me up, if I move he thinks it is a move, I have discussed this with him so my question is if he really loved and respected me why would you keep trying why no lay of and maybe I could initiate sex. He was married before and his wife cheated on him and left him for a guy on the internet so I can understand his insecurities but like i keep saying I am not his ex wife and I wouldn't cheat even though at times I would love to just so he can say I knew you would and be done with it. I feel he has taken all my abilities to show him I love him as it is all about sex with him no in between how do I make him understand that.

Dear thomasthetank...I hope things get better for you and your husband. As you said, it goes way deeper than just the act of sex...that's what sucks about sexless's lack of sexual intimacy. Everybody gets tired, and from what I've heard from lots of women is that woman (and men, too) get physically and emotionally exhausted from parenthood...and that's normal and to be expected. Parenting has got to be the hardest "job" ever. Geez, I get exhausted just after babysitting my nephews so I have a taste of how exhausted parenting must be. But do you find that you and your husband don't even hug or kiss or cuddle? Are you both at least affectionate towards each other? Do you and he kiss and say (remind) 'I love you' every day? <br />
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In a sexless marriage these things usually don't says I love you and the other just rolls over. Or, one brings up the subject of sexlessness and the other denies the problem and acts like everything is fine. It's hard on the refused because they don't know why they're being rejected. If you're just plain tired...then do you still show him love in all sorts of other ways? And really, how much effort does it take to give a *******? That depends on the kind of girl you are, but even if you're super tired, wouldn't you want to give him at the very least, 5 minutes? Same thing goes for doesn't take much to make women's not how long you do it, it's the fact that you want to do it. That's how I view it. And when you're not in bed, it's the kissing and cuddling which convey the love and leave no doubt how you feel about them. Not doing anything sexual makes them feel as if they are unwanted and hurts. And not explaining why you're not doing anything makes matters worse. <br />
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If you're too tired (not you, but an example) than be honest and not have half-arsed, and rushed lovemaking, but if you're just saying you're too tired because you don't even desire your partner, then you're just an arse and a coward. Again, not you, honestly...just refusers in a general sense. <br />
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Maybe you could tell him that you are just plain exhausted and then set the clock a little early, before the children need you, and have a pleasant time with each other in bed doing least something to keep the flame lit. Because once a flame dies it ususally doesn't come back.<br />
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Good luck to you.

I would say that if you love your husband you would want to be intimate with him (I just don't get `tiredness' as an excuse, have an early night with him!)...however the way he has gone about it isn't exactly romantic, it's as if he's effectively pestering you. If you want to save your marriage it does need to be addressed, especially if he's not talking to you. Not talking to you means that he is disengaging himself from the marriage. Take it from me. <br />
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I think your doctor is an idiot, she's basically saying that this is the way that it is after children. It isn't, not if you want to stay married. Of course children are a priority, but there is time for intimacy if you really want it. The fact is it seems you don't really want it, but want to keep your husband. Unfortunately for you, you cannot expect him to shut his sex drive down. <br />
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He does sound the jealous type, and someone whose first priority does not seem to be pleasing you, so it may be your lack of desire stems from his difficulty in making you feel good. It may not be too late, but if you're not talking, then it might be closer than you think. If he has other plans he is not likely to tell you in advance. His not talking is a sign that you really need to try and address this with him, and if it is really that difficult to be intimate with him, accept that for him that situation cannot continue indefinitely. Good luck.

I have read all of the posts and it has been very interesting and I am the refuser and have never looked at things from all sides and although I must say you now make me feel like I have been abusing my husband for eight years, I feel this is not quite true, when there is no sex it goes deeper then just refusing sex. I had my first child eight years ago and was pregnant again within three months, working full time in child care so I was very tired when I got home and sex began to become less important to me however my husband saw this as I was cheating he would harass me all night for sex, waking me up at least four or five times a night ( which he still does) I would wake up to him touching me so I felt that I was abused as this was my body and don't feel you have a right to help yourself really. I was accused all the time of having an affair so i didn't go to the shops anymore without the children as I didn't want him to think I was meeting someone, so I also started to not see my friends as much because once again it wasn't worth the argument it would cause when I got home. I have tried for years to talk to him about how he makes me feel and lets go to counselling but he says there is something wrong with me because i don't want to have sex it is not that i don't it is just that I want to be respected which means listening to my wants as well. I guess we are both to blame and I don't withold sex with him to hurt him like I said before it goes deeper then that. Please do you have any advice for me as I do want to save this marriage but do feel the pain and hurt we have caused eachother has gone to far. I have started to see my friends again and he has become more trusting of me or maybe he just doesn't care anymore I don't know as he won't talk to me> He is a great father and a really good man and has come from an abusive home. When this first started I thought there was something wrong with me and went to the doctor and asked if there was anything to improve my sex drive and she told me that if she had a dollar for every woman who came in here after having children with a low sex drive she would be a millionaire. She said women's priority becomes their children and the man's priority is to reproduce that is how we are wired, so I guess we can look at it from many different angles and it is not just black and white. Advise please or comments.

WOW!!! 78 Coments. This one stirred quite the debate. EXCELLENT post ISELFLOVE. Perhaps next week we could start a race riot...LOL.. Just kidding. Lord I might have done just that. I crack me up!!

VivaLasBaby: and your point is ??

Hey shitinyourveins: there are about 11,000 people in this arena shouting ABUSER at you right now. How does it feel?<br />
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BTW - no one MADE our spouses marry us, therefore, MAKING them have sex with us. You see, they used to. We liked it. We thought 'Hey! I know! Let's get married! Then we can be monogamous and share our lives and bodies with each other for life! Hell yeah! Let's do it!'<br />
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Then… (**POOF**)… magically, the carpet was pulled out from under us. No more sex life. No more intimacy. No more happy marriage.<br />
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Don't you for ONE SECOND think ANY of us are MAKING our spouses do anything they don't want to. Because if we were, we wouldn't be here. We just want them to want us. That's it.<br />
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Now, excuse me, as I am going to make my way over to the 'I LIKE TO SNIFF MY DOG'S BUTT' experience so some idiot can CONVINCE me that it's really, really awesome and stuff.

glitterinmyveins...firstly, I think you mispelled 'diluted'; it's 'deluded' which I am not.<br />
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Secondly, you are the one who needs to be educated on the definition of 'emotional abuse'. DEFINITION: Emotional/Psychological abuse is referred to in the professional literature by many interchangeable terms such as: emotional abuse, covert abuse, psychological maltreatment, coercive abuse, abuse by proxy, and ambient abuse.<br />
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Psychological/emotional abuse involves behavior patterns that involve one or all of the following: Rejecting, Degrading, Terrorizing, Isolating, Corrupting/Exploiting, Denying Emotional Responsiveness (Garbarino, 1994). <br />
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Emotional abuse is the systematic, patterned and chronic abuse that is used by a perpetrator to lower a victim's sense of self, self-worth and power (Mezey, Post & Maxwell, 2002).<br />
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Constant criticism, demeaning behaviors, threats, use of male/parent privilege, withholding affection or threatening abandonment for non-compliance with abuser’s demands and personal humiliation are further consistent, on-going tactics of the emotional/psychological abuser (Pilowsky, 1993; Parkeer, 1996; Follingstad, 1990; Marshall, 1996; Hoffman, 1984; Alexander, 1993, Chang, 1996; Jacko, 1995; Loring, 1997). <br />
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The continuous and unrelenting patern of emotional abuse is often interspersed with warmth and kindness to create an “in and out” of bonding. (Loring, 1997). <br />
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'Nuff said.

Glitter, I think you are in the wrong forum. . . "I am an Asexual" is just up the road . . . !!!

oh and don't force such strong judgements onto people that you don't know and have no idea of their situations. You disgust me. I'm sorry that you are having troubles in your life, really I am, but how dare you call out so called "abusers" ba<x>sed on your OPINION. Just who do you think you are? You need to look up abuse or maybe experience it firsthand and then start shelling out advice on the topic. It absolutley infuriates me that you would convince these people that they are with an "abuser" or make someone feel as if they are an "abuser" when you obviously DONT know the definition of the word itself. Get an education or maybe even a life. You're twisted.