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Refusing Sex = Emotional Abuse

Withholding sex in a "loving" relationship is Emotional Abuse. Denying one's partner the bond which cultivates closeness and intimacy with them is Emotional Abuse. Whether their refusal is due to mental illness, passive/aggressive anger or control issues or an underlying reason that even they are not aware of, the act of not even trying to right this wrong is Emotional Abuse. Sex is the glue which holds a relationship/marriage together. It is supposed to be the one thing which separates a couple from just being friends or just being roommates. Denying one's partner sex and sexual intimacy is abuse because it makes their partner feel unwanted, undesired, unworthy, unattractive, unhappy and unfulfilled. It is NOT FAIR. It is NOT WHAT YOU HAD SIGNED UP FOR. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If the refuser doesn't try to deal with their reason for inflicting this devastating blow to their partner's psyche, self-esteem and sense of self-worth, then it is just plain CRUEL and SELFISH. It may make their partner question their self-worth, it may cause depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, lessen their ability to think rationally, create a sense of hopelessness and cause them constant worry. It is crippling. It is emotionally painful.  It indeed hurts.  It drains one's energy, makes them feel like they're fighting a losing battle, and makes them question their own sanity. Again, it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. There has to be a reason; the refused did not cause this.  Even if they did, they cannot begin to right the situation if the refuser refuses to even discuss the matter. The refuser withholds sex and that is not fair and is wrong, very wrong. If they have a problem, whether it be a mental or physical issue or personal reason, they should own up to it and try to get it out and into the open. Not discussing the problem only makes it fester and causes additional problems. I realize and appreciate that every relationship is different and has its own dynamics, but one thing which is very real is that denying one's self and their loved one the pleasure, passion, joy and emotional fulfillment of sexual intimacy is indeed a form of Emotional Abuse and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Good luck to anyone who is in a sexless relationship/marriage.  From my experience, I believe that one can give and give and try to make it work out but it's a no-win situation since there is only one partner who is trying.  Eventually one realizes that there is nothing left to give and nothing left to compromise; they have given all that they are capable of and have already compromised themselves too much.  If one realizes this and sees the situation for what it truly is, they will feel it in their gut, they will know that enough is enough and they will hopefully get the heck out and move on with THEIR LIFE while they still have love for their self.  Sexless Marriage truly sucks.  The emotional abuse truly hurts. Thankfully there are lots of folks on this forum, like me, who have made it to the other side and are living happy and healthy sex lives filled with joy, tenderness and respect.  We've been where you are.  We understand your pain and frustration.  You are not alone.  Good luck to anyone who has experienced or is currently living in this situation.  I hope that things will get better, but if they don't, I hope you will find the courage and inner strength to take care of your self.  Life is way too short to settle for less. 
ISELFLOVE ISELFLOVE 41-45, F 149 Responses Jul 22, 2010

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Women withholding sex is equal to a men withholding emotional support. Whoever started first should do their part. Because, I always show my emotional support until she withhold sex and then I completely ignore her. She then gets angry just like how I get angry when she withhold sex. Men are in a ball park of 65% physical to 35% emotional - and vice versa for women.

I read this and it's exactly how I feel. I love my girlfriend so deeply but she refuses to be intimate in any way. Even a kiss is only a peck. It's driving me mad I feel like she doesn't care and I am beginning to get angry and I'm a very passive person. It's out of my control because I try to treat her right compliment her and show her I care. I'm a good looking guy and could find someone else easily but all I want is her. What do I do??? Someone must be able to help. If I try to talk about it she gets angry and abusive I feel I've tried everything.

Ask her why and tell her how you feel like you can better or enjoy to express your emotions and care for her physically. Try to get her to understand where you're coming from.
If she is a "good girl" and is not yet ready to be physical, that is a different story. But definitely have a sober and thought provoking conversation with her. And I say sober because you don't want to take her out to dinner, have a few drinks, and then talk to her....she might get all emotional and feel like you're attacking her. The less you use the word "you" in your conversation, the less she'll feel like you're just trying to make her feel like a terrible girlfriend. When you do use the word "you" - only say positive things. Tell her how you feel and you would like to be more physical; talking in terms of "I feel like a physical connection is really important", "I really like it when you do ___. It makes me feel attractive/special/significant to you."
Good luck with your talk!!

If things don't improve after a month or so, you need to move on. They don't get better after marriage.

ive been with my boyfriend for 8 yrs now ever since I had a kid with him he refused sex and became abusive he never ever wants sex and he has no sexual problems I use to get it once a year if I harassed him everyday and finally hed do it for like 6 minutes ..then it went to every other yr once now not at all he will say tomorrow we will then tomorrow comes and he will say tomorrow get the point he gives me the run around we are just roomates at this point and I never gained weight or anything other guys cant relate it really makes me insane he will go on **** though it hurts im rejected everyday its not that hard u know

I registered here because of this spot on description. Thank you so much

All you poor abused souls, wow, I didn't even know this was so bad and I was part of this huge group of people who have attached themselves to these sick life suckers!!! I would say my current husband is a ladykiller. He swooped in and totally took over my life, and I let him,,, When we met he really swept me off my feet. He is British, educated, charming, a huge flirt, loves women, especially older ones!!!! Mommy issues. I was fresh out of a 10 year boring, normal relationship and he was a English, drummer/ self published author/poet, that formally lived in my faviorite places in the world london and San Francisco for 10 years then moved to Laguna beach where he came to live with friends and stop drinking. He was sleeping on the couch of a 60 year old womans couch, he said they never had anything going on, i found letters later on proving that they did. he formally lived with a girlfriend who was 15 years his senior, and she kicked him out. He is a former addict of everything you can possibly chug, snort, smoke, shoot up, and screw. He at this point is clean except for smoking weed, and I had no idea how much he was smoking, it was a lot! But I didn't know this until I got pregnant 4 months into our relationship!!!!
It never was crazy throw you on the bed, have to have you now kinda sex that you have at the start of a relationship, especially with a musician, poet. All the signs were there I was just so blind and I thought things would change for some reason.
So after I find out I'm pregnant he unloads everything on me but slowly and nonchalantly, I use to have sex with Asian massage parlor girls, I wrote my first book in the corner of a tranny bar, my sister messed with me when I was little, I need to marry you so I can get my greencard so I can work to support you guys, ill watch the baby and you work, i found tones of **** on the internet and texting, i got spyware after a while. and on and on, all while I'm knocked up with his baby inside of me and its way to late to terminate the pregnancy. So much stupid stress and such a screwed up person, but I am a very giving and loving fool who was so tricked!
I had our beautiful baby girl and I just thought I was a habit, he didn't touch me while I was pregnant now we have to ease our way back into things. He was creeped out there was a baby in me a didnt think it was right to have sex with a pregnant woman.
In the last 3 months we've had sex 2 times. He says its my weight but I way the same as when we first started going out,,, I should have just moved to another state to get away from him,, but its so scary to be alone and pregnant. Luckily I think I've developed a backbone thanks to my beautiful daughter. I don't want her to expect to be treated this way when she grows up,
So my done button has been pushed, I know I am an amazing,beautiful person who deserves healthy love and he will never be able to give that to me, BUT, I depend on him to watch our daughter while I work to support our family, she is 16 months old. As unhealthy as it is I really feel right now if I just found a "friend with benefits" it would ease the pain and kinda empower me, kinda like a eff you to all the turn downs. But this is going to be a process and a half to get readjusted and get my ducks in a row and I have needs!!!! II feel like I need to go to a shelter for abused women and just get away from him for good.

My husband Ramon Acosta did this to me for a year I cried to him and asked what was wrong with me and he said nothing not until your ready to have my kid and it destroyed me. Every night I'd wonder mayb he's planning somthing romantic but nothing happend I remember catching him ************ that was extruciating pain: as a woman his wife he left me a scar
In novenmer he confessed to cheating and I remember telling him thank you because I know I wasn't the problem it was you and I left him I soon filed for a divorce and waiting on it to be final

i feel your pain man....

i feel your pain man....

My ex rarely complimented me, rarely if ever had sex with me if I initiated it, he had sexual problems but would not get help even when I was so patient and understanding, he said he loved me every day but he was very controlling in a covert way and I am only just realising how much sex was part of that control now as it is 6 months after we split. It still affects me and I believe that I am too ugly or undesirable to find another man. Don't put up with this treatment it eats away at you

my husband refuses to have sex with me because we broke up for a year and I was with 1 other man, he was with others-multiple. Me=1. Needless to say he wants to get off so oral for him, and I'm supposed to be ok with it, he'll tease me and get me worked up and then nothing for me but pent up frustration and going it alone just isn't the same. I am fed up with the emotional and verbal and now this kind of abuse! I just don't understand, i guess his pride is damaged, but sex is a great way to convey love in a marriage.

Even if she agreed to read this artical, it would just **** her off and id be in a worse place than I was before she read.

Finally!! someone nailed it. It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced and Ive been raped in the past we had such a wonderful relationship and he just stopped 4 years ago:( it breaks my heart I think about it all the time Ive considered cheating which kills me. And he claims to fear God???? I really want to know why so bad he's given all kinds of excuses and got pissed when I bought a vibrator I have no option really he is the breadwinner and we have two kids plus the really hard part is that he means so much to me he's my best friend everything else is great except this! And I want my girls to have a Dad. What scares me is that I get really suicidal sometimes because i miss making love.

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now, and literally do everything for him. He just started work about 2 weeks ago and I drive and pick him up to work every day, and all I ask for is a kiss and a thank you. At first, our sex life was unreal but we didn't "do it" all the time like most new couples. Not for nothing but I am a nursing student, and I know how to talk to people. I noticed that when discussing the issue of sex with my boyfriend I had to walk on eggshells. I mean what guy wants their girlfriend nagging them especially about sex? I always have to walk on eggshells for him. He told me he was just tired from working and what not and I respect that. However, I brought it up a few times after that and he still hasn't even made a move or anything!!!! I'm scared to initiate sex for fear of rejection. When I brought it up again he said that's all I care about and that I was the dumbest person he knows. And said he hates when girls throw themselves at him.... But who the hell else am I supposed to throw myself at? I shouldn't have to get my boyfriend intoxicated to want me. I'm starting to believe that I am unworthy and ugly. The other night I literally put on my favorite dress, and took a bunch of clonidine hoping to not wake up. I have no one to talk to. Please help! Your story was reassuring.Thanks,<br />
Alayna

"I was the dumbest person he knows. "
That's verbal abuse.
...Forget about the lack of sex for a minute, do you think you deserve to be treated like crap, when you're bending over backwards to be at this guy's beck and call?
I DON'T!
...Look, a very wise friend of mine explained to me that our job in relationships is to build each other up. To make each other feel loved, and worthy, and confident, so that together, we're stronger.

"I'm starting to believe that I am unworthy and ugly."
Do you want to stay with someone who makes you feel unworthy and ugly? This problem-that is, him making you feel bad about yourself-is just going to get worse.

Don't put up with him verbally abusing you any more, sweetheart. He's got a problem or two, he needs to deal with that, not put it on you.

...But, you probably won't want to walk away from him on just the say-so of a stranger on the internet.
So do this: Look for abusive and hurtful things he tells you about yourself. Write them down with date and time. Write down how many compliments he gives you, too, in the same way.
Just write it down. This stuff has a way of sliding out of your mind, you see.

Dear Alayna, I am going through the same thing and often feel suicidal. The thoughts that stop me are that I'm scared of the pain of dying and don't want my last memories to be bleeding or being ill and in pain and I want to die happy. I want to leave but often feel too weak and low to get a job and save up the money I need to move out( I suffer from depression, insomnia, panic attacks when I go into busy places). I attempted to slit my wrists about a year ago and nothing's any better since then. However I do feel slightly stronger. My heart goes out to you at this time and I hope you find things other than this man to give fulfillment and joy in life. I will be here for you to talk to!

Someone has finally put it into words of how I feel.

I have been married for 2 years and also second marriage and a kid with him. my husband has lost his libido and he tells me it is my job to make the apt. But then I find out he want to have sex with other men and ****** off of singles site asking for sex also looking at **** all night at work. when I am begging all the time I tell him I want to have fantasies sex durning the weekend i would look at **** and have him tell me what he wants but when the weekend get here turned down again.
I want him to have his libido back but I am afraid that he will act on his desirable of wanting men and that will kill me. I love him very much but I am so afraid of losing him
I just want him to look at me how hard is it to do that I cook clean do laudry take care if the kids so he can sleep because he has a night job but can't he really take time aside to appreciate me to make me feel special.

This is base.
I've been emotionally abused throughout my childhood and adolescence, and I'm now unable to have sex with my boyfriend. I cringe at the thought of it. When I've tried I feel like I'm being sexually abused by a family member. The reason I stay in the relationship is because of him, because I love him and he only wants to be with me. He recently proposed and we are now engaged. I would try to off myself if I he didn't need me to live. Do you reckon I should just do it anyway, to save him the burden of having to live with a monster like me? Seriously... Your rant is so small-minded and obstinate it almost made me want to.

Please DO NOT get married, because you are not able to give what a man needs !!!!!!!!!!
You schuld never marry , because you can not give what a man NEEDS.
My wife refuses me sex for nog more than 5,5 heats and it is absolute HELL for me !!.!.!.!!.!.!...!l!

if you cannot give the same love that your partner needs then you should not get involved with someone who wants a sexual relationship. if you do you are only asking that person to live in your hell.

When a man shuts his wife out...Ignores her when she tries to talk to him about problems they need to resolve...And refuses to meet her emotional needs, that is also abuse. A woman should never give her body to her husband unconditionally. After 21 years of marriage, giving my husband his needs while he refused to meet mine...all I can say is I don't want him to touch me. I am not trying to withhold sex for punishment. I just don't feel any desire for sex with him because I feel like he pushed me away emotionally. Without a feeling of an emotional connection, I feel used. I refuse to live like that anymore.

You have taken an illegal attitude !!!!!!!.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.!!!
You are unfaithfull, and are imposing your will on him !!
you should be paying for all the cost of a divorce !!!!!

Holy crap...I could have written those words...here it is though...I love my husband..he is a phenomenal father and provider..he is a good man...well..then..is he really? I am starting to wonder...bu let me ask yo this...how do you put your need of intamacy above your child's need of a stable two parent home?

thats exactly how I feel

I agree with EVERYTHING you have written and, by sheer coincidence, identify with most of it. I thought I was in a loving relationship, a 23+ year marriage where I was the patient husband, always putting the feelings, needs and situations of my spouse ahead of my own. I saw all her avoidance's of intimacy as everything and anything except what is truly was - her calculated plan to refuse and withhold sex, to keep me hanging, to keep me around (and my paycheck and hard work, etc.). I saw it all, but thru rose-colored glasses, never letting my thoughts go that place where my dear, 'loving' wife was superficial & selfish *****, always rationalizes her excuses and actions for her refusals of intimacy in the best light for her.

That was, until this past Christmas. No matter what our situation was, we always made love Christmas Eve, after we had done our Santa routine. In some years, it was our only intimacy (and not for lack of asking and begging on my part). And it was always great and my wife was always passionate, dare I say an animal once we got going. But this year that ended.

I did our Santa bit, our daughters who are grown now (23 &17) fast asleep, and climbed in bed with my wife and let her know that all was done until the morning. She thanked me, and I kissed her softly and snuggled up to her - she said 'NO'! I ask what? She said she didn't feel like sex and she didn't care what day it was. I was kind of dazed and confused.

Christmas Day I asked her about the night before, she said she didn't remember. Now I could feel my blood beginning to boil but calmly asked her again about the night before, did she have any problems with breaking our 26 year tradition? She said she didn't care, it was silly and she wasn't going to have sex unless SHE wanted it. I asked if she knew when the last time we had sex (it was the previous Xmas Eve), she said she didn't care.

That was 3 weeks ago. I have been very quiet over that time, there isn't much to say when you've realized the woman you love, who you thought loved you and you've been together for 28 years is in reality a selfish *****. That notion is always in front of my brain, so engaging in chit-chat is kind of difficult. She, on the other hand, thinks I should get over it and has stopped talking to me which is kind of funny in a sad way.

My relationship has just ended again for the fifth time with the same girl. I love this girl with all my heart, she was my world. In the early days she used to flirt and have intimate conversations with many other men and each time our relationship broke down. In July 2011 it broke down for the forth time and she met and had sex with a stranger from a dating site. After a month or so she came back to me telling me she had made a huge mistake and how sorry she was for everything she had done. Cutting a long story short she convinced me she had changed so I went back to her.

Her ex husband then said he was moving 400 miles away and taking her children with him. We of course had no choice but to follow. We were only in our new place for 6 weeks before she started to doubt if she want to be together or not. We battled on.

She has many emotional problems most of which are about not having full time care of the children. I have alway tried to understand it.

However she never wanted to have sex with me and in ge last 4 months we had sex 3 times. I felt like I was going mad. I now feel completly inecure, worthless and all the other emotions this article explains.

She said she loves me and wishes it had worked but how can I believe that when she has yet again left me wishing I wasn't alive. All she had do was make me feel like I mattered and it could all have been so different.

My husband Ramon Acosta usmc withheld sex from me!! He emotionally abused me! I was blind and believed him for his reasons and no I think back it wasn't me it was his guilt and am glad to be away from a narccistic individual !!

I am a man of 75..still have a healthy libido.
I was married to my first wife very young..and had 2 sons, and gained custody when she met another man.
I met my 2nd wife a few years after the first ended..and she said she loved me...so when I got a council flat it was natural she came too.
From the onset she insisted on her own room, and never wanted to sleep with me or make love.
There were always excuses...'the boys are here'...even when they were absent...when they left home..'I want a house'...we got one...'we're not married'....we married...still nothing....months and months, then years passed...I loved her....took our vows seriously...then it became too late to leave...but then the bombshell.
She was 28...me 32 when we met...and recently she told me...she had lived with a guy from India...Colin Grant for 3 years...shared bed and room and had sex 3 times a week with him..but when she met me and my boys thought it would make a nice little family unit for her but she hadn't intended to have a love life!
I could never go through a divorce...she thrived in her profession...getting a headship...while I gave up my music as the place we moved to in Middlesex was a musical desert!
So a big THANKS to Christine Cunninham from NELSON for the 40 plus years of celibacy you gave me, the self confessed idiot who thought your behaviour was perhaps a medical issue.
I am of course going nowhere...at my age where? And why should I?

You coulden't have written that better, it sums up exactly how I am feeling. Untill I found this site and read what you and others have written I felt totally alone and lost. I thought I was the only person who feels as bad as this, I am so sorry for everyone else on here going through this but it is reassuring to know I am not alone.I am 24, and My boyfriend of 7 years left me for another woman and I stupidly took him back a year ago, when we split up he started taking mirtazapine just to get on the sick ( he admits this) and he has come back to me and we have had sex 6 times in a year, all of which I have had to plead for. He hasn't tried anything remotely sexual with me since his return and everytime I try to gently discuss this it results in a row, I made him go to the doctors to rule out anything medical and they found nothing and have told us it is more than likely down to the mirtazapine. (Though he has never had a big sex drive, I could handle it before because it was alot more often.) He promises to stop them but then I find him taking them again.The only thing he seems to get excited about or have any energy for is seeing his mates, an hour from where we live, he has the energy for this but why not for me?I am heartbroken. I have tried everything, herbal and prescription medicines, sexy outfits, asking him how I could please him, I am open to anything but he will not listen. The excuses are all the same, too tired, just doesn't feel like it etc, what bothers me the most is his unwillingness to discuss it and it results in a row everytime. I am attractive and loving, a nice person etc, I don't know what to do, please helpxx

So here it is ok to cry after 12 years, thank you.

Thank you for giving me a perspective in my failing relationship. I tried everything communicating, asking for therapy, initiating sex. He always made me feel awful like I was some sort of pervert.
The excuses were "I am tired, sleepy, stressed, headaches. We were intimated 7 times in two years!
I became pregnant the last time we were together. He won't hold me or touch me because I am pregnant. I feel so alone, unwanted, unloved and can't handled the fact that he masturbates while he withholds love and intimacy.
After reading your page I realized it is abuse! I can not deal with it any longer. I want to separate while I still have some part of me that loves me left!

I am right where you are!!! my daughter is 2 now and I have an 8 year old from previous relationship. my husband refused to touch me and told me my body parts were ugly (while I was 8 months preggo) he laughed even when I tried to dress sexy. laughed out loud. I am dependant on him as a provider and we are great friends but when it comes to sex he is too tired, not in the mood, or just flat out says no. we have sex maybe 5 times a year and he can never even look at me when we do. that only makes me feel worse. I have become bitter and angry and probably insane by now. I have started yelling aty the children and my desire to even lift my head off the pillow is gone. I told him I need sex and he told me im a spoiled, selfish little girl who uses my parents and him. why my parents came into the argument is part of his crazy ways of manipulating me into thinking its my fault. I keep asking myself if I really am because I want to leave and tear apart this otherwise happy home. but is it really happy???? no?! im his maid, his mother and his friend. I clean for him and wash his clothes and look pretty when we go to his work functions where I have to sit with all the Army wives talking about how their men wont leave them alone and I have to pretend I know what that's like. I wish I could feel that. I wish I was walking around still feeling him inside me. that is long gone and I am some how the freak for wanting it.

It just hurts so much. I blame myself and have torn apart every aspect of my life trying to find where I have the problem. I have spent countless nights crying. I have torn myself down. The feelings of being unattractive and rejected by the person I love the most in the world are consuming me. It's such a dark, dark place to be living.

THAAAAANK YOOOOUUUUU!!!! I've tried to be the best husband, father and provider I can be but LO!!! I am a Kenyan male 32 years of age. I met my wife 4 years ago to this date, we soon got married and settled down, she had a daughter so I have taken her to be my daughter. We have a two year old son together, light of my life. Last year Oct, we went through a financial crisis and lost our home, by May this year I had to move into my parents with my son and she moved with our friends, a married couple with a daughter the same age as our son. From Dec last year our intimacy was very corroded. When we lived separately, she had gotten to the point of disrespecting me even among our friends. We got a place end of July and she promised things would get better. As I write this I'm done being in this situation. Last night I came home from a hard day, my only client threatened to fire me (our intimacy issues are now starting to interfere with work), some pending payments taking long, and a friend of mine committed suicide leaving a son my son's age and a wife (got me thinking), I try to tell her about my day and she runs off to catch her favorite soap drama on tv... I'm DONE!!! This is unacceptable if anything, for my son's sake. I AM RECLAIMING WHO I AM AND WHAT I ALLOWED HER TO TAKE FROM ME!!!

Blessings for this post and all your shares.

I've never been into a relation and still virgin. Having Read this, i'll make a point in my relation to fulfil each other's sexual and emotional needs wen i'd be in one. :P. But as far as i know, if two gay men are boyfriends, they rarely have to encounter a sexless relation. Lol.

I am in this situation now. It totally sucks. She refuses to even talk about it. 4th year of marriage, 9th year of relationship. She cant even look at me when we talk about it. So sad.

My former husband used to stare at either the floor or at the ceiling whenever I would initiate a discussion on our sexless marriage so I know what you mean.

You need to ask yourself how much longer you are willing to accept this unacceptable, selfish, immature and irresponsible behaviour from her.

You say that she refuses to discuss it. Are your feelings not important to her? Are you not important to her? Is saving her marriage important? If so, she needs to emotionally engage with you...for your sake and for the sake of your marriage. It cannot go on like this forever...it will get worse if the issue(s) are not discussed. Good luck.

Hi, thank you. We fought for three straight days about it. I persisted and gave her an ultimatum. Either communicate with me or leave my life. She refused to share her emotions with me and said she didn't wanna talk about "us" anymore. She laid all of the blame on me for being "mean" and refused to accept any responsibility at all for our problems even after I admitted that I have issues and apologized for my own behavior. As normal, she did not apologize to me. Sunday, in the middle of a family crisis, she decided to go to her parents. I texted her because something felt funny. I asked if she was coming back and she said "I dunno, you've hurt me so much these past 3 days." So I filed for divorce Monday morning. While I feel that I have been ripped apart, I know this is the best thing for me. My house is a complete mess, I am about to finish my masters' degree, and I have to teach night classes. I am emotionally unstable, but heading down the right path on my own. In spite of these feelings, which are nearly more than I can bare, I will never go back because I decided that being alone is better than being with someone who does not care about me. The sex stopped about 2 years ago --slowed down to about 5 times a year. She said there were medical issues, but refused to go to a doctor. No love or affection for so long. no soft kisses, no cuddles, nothing. She turned around in bed about 1.5 years ago and Ive been sleeping with her feet ever since, until now. I am 39, feel old and depressed, and feel I have lost something even though in the end I know I will gain my dignity and self-respect. She made me feel like a pervert for wanting intimacy and belittled my attempts to share my emotions with her. I feel sick. I hope that time goes by quickly and heals my broken heart. This is so weird because its like I watched from outside myself as I ended my marriage, which at first seemed it would last a lifetime.

Hi, I am going through exactly the same and feel exactly the same as you and I just wanted to say, thankyou for giving me hope that I could leave too, and find another road to this hellish one, also, 39 isn't old your still young and atleast you haven't made this beak in your sixtees or seventees x

sorry to hear that it happend to me for almost a year n on thanksgiving he admited to cheating. He hurt me so badly but am divorcing him. I hope one day he regrets it and love ***** him!! Don't let anyone hurt you put a stop to it ASAP!

Today is the final day I stay in this place, We picked her sister and her husband last night and the only thing keeping me for another day is the turnover and keys to the next owners, I was going to turn in the equipment tomorrow for my cable phone and internet, but the cable company said the next owners just want a transfer with a phone number change so at 10: am tomorrow I will be using hot spot communications until I get out west. The only cell is a track phone but the farther west I go the worse that will be.
My wife is crying about the great memories we are leaving, but for the life of me I can't remember anything here as great, I only remember pain, denial, people telling me I had to do what they wanted, and work.
Then I realized while I was being denied a life she was living one, as far as I am concerned the Great lakes can swallow this state, all the ideals and the egotism that is prevelent, I am not apologetic to those I have hurt, they started it, I am not apologetic for taking back my life, I owe no one here a thing as far as being loyal.
I was asked if there was a way I could consider leaving my wife here and me leaving, We would stay married and I would pay for her household, but it seemed that was a good solution, This was not my wife's suggestion, I said I leave, my money leaves and all ties are cut tomorrow morning except fore returns from utilities, all final bills are paid except medical, filed suit on insurance for then to get off their rear and get going along with about a 100000 others it seems. That's another sticking point with my father. I don't like having medical insurance that wont pay their parts.
I am not nice when I call them. I also wont consider paying for two households. and I keep our son due to her bi polar and inability to drive.
Her friends and my father feel I am being unfair, said you are taking her away from friends just for your own spite, and inability to let the past go.
I mentioned that I was not the one who suggested a new ease in time, the one started in 1985 has not worked, so why forget the past.
Today my wife has made her decision she leaves with me, her sister and her husband. We will be back home six or seven days from now. These friends here can drop dead. They were not my friends, they were my users.
My sister in law said what did the others want from me. I said my fealty, they are not getting it.
I ask. would you listen to a society and a father that wanted just to torment you, or would you lay your terms down and leave.

2 More Responses

I just saw a funny joke and wrote a response to it that may sum some of this up. Jokes are often funny because they contain large kernels of painful truth.

Pills,
The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection .
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm looking for a place to live, can you help me?

Could this be a possible follow-up for this story (or as Paul Harvey would say “The Rest of the Story”) and the relocation help you requested?

I don’t understand why in the world she would have a problem with this response. After all, she should understand that it’s tough for most guys to get excited about a woman who deliberately, systematically turns herself into a 250# +++ cow. This will be especially true if she was dead from the neck down for weeks, months or even years at a time when she was only 130# and hot stuff. All things considered, how can she expect instant attention and response after she doled out years worth of rejection and piled on the pounds to make sure he left her alone? She shouldn’t be surprised, this is a perfectly predictable ending to the story and ultimately the one she wanted.

Maybe you should give her this before your relocation.

To Brightonion

Walk away while you still can. Before I married my wife she asked me to wait until the wedding night so that it was special - even though we had both had prior relationships. I made the mistake of agreeing and have now endured a virtually sexless marriage for more than 28 years. I can tell you people don’t change. If you man does not want sex now he almost certainly never will and the OP is spot on with how it feels.

I am now more and more thinking that in my 50's it is now or never for me - but it is scary leaving a marriage that has lasted so long - despite the unending pain.

I divorced in my mid forties and despite the emotional and severe financial tolls it took on me, I can honestly say that I have never been happier than I am right now.

It takes time away from a sexless marriage to fully digest just how dysfunctional it really was. One knows it's bad when they're actually in it, but physical distance and the gift of time give major insight into just how wrong/unacceptable it really was.

Good luck to you wherever your journey takes you. 28 years? And you're only in your 50's? With all due respect, don't you think you owe it to yourself to actually enjoy YOUR life at some point? That may sound disrespectful, but I ask it earnestly.