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Refusing Sex = Emotional Abuse

Withholding sex in a "loving" relationship is Emotional Abuse. Denying one's partner the bond which cultivates closeness and intimacy with them is Emotional Abuse. Whether their refusal is due to mental illness, passive/aggressive anger or control issues or an underlying reason that even they are not aware of, the act of not even trying to right this wrong is Emotional Abuse. Sex is the glue which holds a relationship/marriage together. It is supposed to be the one thing which separates a couple from just being friends or just being roommates. Denying one's partner sex and sexual intimacy is abuse because it makes their partner feel unwanted, undesired, unworthy, unattractive, unhappy and unfulfilled. It is NOT FAIR. It is NOT WHAT YOU HAD SIGNED UP FOR. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If the refuser doesn't try to deal with their reason for inflicting this devastating blow to their partner's psyche, self-esteem and sense of self-worth, then it is just plain CRUEL and SELFISH. It may make their partner question their self-worth, it may cause depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, lessen their ability to think rationally, create a sense of hopelessness and cause them constant worry. It is crippling. It is emotionally painful.  It indeed hurts.  It drains one's energy, makes them feel like they're fighting a losing battle, and makes them question their own sanity. Again, it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. There has to be a reason; the refused did not cause this.  Even if they did, they cannot begin to right the situation if the refuser refuses to even discuss the matter. The refuser withholds sex and that is not fair and is wrong, very wrong. If they have a problem, whether it be a mental or physical issue or personal reason, they should own up to it and try to get it out and into the open. Not discussing the problem only makes it fester and causes additional problems. I realize and appreciate that every relationship is different and has its own dynamics, but one thing which is very real is that denying one's self and their loved one the pleasure, passion, joy and emotional fulfillment of sexual intimacy is indeed a form of Emotional Abuse and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Good luck to anyone who is in a sexless relationship/marriage.  From my experience, I believe that one can give and give and try to make it work out but it's a no-win situation since there is only one partner who is trying.  Eventually one realizes that there is nothing left to give and nothing left to compromise; they have given all that they are capable of and have already compromised themselves too much.  If one realizes this and sees the situation for what it truly is, they will feel it in their gut, they will know that enough is enough and they will hopefully get the heck out and move on with THEIR LIFE while they still have love for their self.  Sexless Marriage truly sucks.  The emotional abuse truly hurts. Thankfully there are lots of folks on this forum, like me, who have made it to the other side and are living happy and healthy sex lives filled with joy, tenderness and respect.  We've been where you are.  We understand your pain and frustration.  You are not alone.  Good luck to anyone who has experienced or is currently living in this situation.  I hope that things will get better, but if they don't, I hope you will find the courage and inner strength to take care of your self.  Life is way too short to settle for less. 
ISELFLOVE ISELFLOVE 41-45, F 137 Responses Jul 22, 2010

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I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now, and literally do everything for him. He just started work about 2 weeks ago and I drive and pick him up to work every day, and all I ask for is a kiss and a thank you. At first, our sex life was unreal but we didn't "do it" all the time like most new couples. Not for nothing but I am a nursing student, and I know how to talk to people. I noticed that when discussing the issue of sex with my boyfriend I had to walk on eggshells. I mean what guy wants their girlfriend nagging them especially about sex? I always have to walk on eggshells for him. He told me he was just tired from working and what not and I respect that. However, I brought it up a few times after that and he still hasn't even made a move or anything!!!! I'm scared to initiate sex for fear of rejection. When I brought it up again he said that's all I care about and that I was the dumbest person he knows. And said he hates when girls throw themselves at him.... But who the hell else am I supposed to throw myself at? I shouldn't have to get my boyfriend intoxicated to want me. I'm starting to believe that I am unworthy and ugly. The other night I literally put on my favorite dress, and took a bunch of clonidine hoping to not wake up. I have no one to talk to. Please help! Your story was reassuring.Thanks,<br />
Alayna

"I was the dumbest person he knows. "
That's verbal abuse.
...Forget about the lack of sex for a minute, do you think you deserve to be treated like crap, when you're bending over backwards to be at this guy's beck and call?
I DON'T!
...Look, a very wise friend of mine explained to me that our job in relationships is to build each other up. To make each other feel loved, and worthy, and confident, so that together, we're stronger.

"I'm starting to believe that I am unworthy and ugly."
Do you want to stay with someone who makes you feel unworthy and ugly? This problem-that is, him making you feel bad about yourself-is just going to get worse.

Don't put up with him verbally abusing you any more, sweetheart. He's got a problem or two, he needs to deal with that, not put it on you.

...But, you probably won't want to walk away from him on just the say-so of a stranger on the internet.
So do this: Look for abusive and hurtful things he tells you about yourself. Write them down with date and time. Write down how many compliments he gives you, too, in the same way.
Just write it down. This stuff has a way of sliding out of your mind, you see.

Dear Alayna, I am going through the same thing and often feel suicidal. The thoughts that stop me are that I'm scared of the pain of dying and don't want my last memories to be bleeding or being ill and in pain and I want to die happy. I want to leave but often feel too weak and low to get a job and save up the money I need to move out( I suffer from depression, insomnia, panic attacks when I go into busy places). I attempted to slit my wrists about a year ago and nothing's any better since then. However I do feel slightly stronger. My heart goes out to you at this time and I hope you find things other than this man to give fulfillment and joy in life. I will be here for you to talk to!

Someone has finally put it into words of how I feel.

I have been married for 2 years and also second marriage and a kid with him. my husband has lost his libido and he tells me it is my job to make the apt. But then I find out he want to have sex with other men and ****** off of singles site asking for sex also looking at **** all night at work. when I am begging all the time I tell him I want to have fantasies sex durning the weekend i would look at **** and have him tell me what he wants but when the weekend get here turned down again.
I want him to have his libido back but I am afraid that he will act on his desirable of wanting men and that will kill me. I love him very much but I am so afraid of losing him
I just want him to look at me how hard is it to do that I cook clean do laudry take care if the kids so he can sleep because he has a night job but can't he really take time aside to appreciate me to make me feel special.

This is base.
I've been emotionally abused throughout my childhood and adolescence, and I'm now unable to have sex with my boyfriend. I cringe at the thought of it. When I've tried I feel like I'm being sexually abused by a family member. The reason I stay in the relationship is because of him, because I love him and he only wants to be with me. He recently proposed and we are now engaged. I would try to off myself if I he didn't need me to live. Do you reckon I should just do it anyway, to save him the burden of having to live with a monster like me? Seriously... Your rant is so small-minded and obstinate it almost made me want to.

Please DO NOT get married, because you are not able to give what a man needs !!!!!!!!!!
You schuld never marry , because you can not give what a man NEEDS.
My wife refuses me sex for nog more than 5,5 heats and it is absolute HELL for me !!.!.!.!!.!.!...!l!

if you cannot give the same love that your partner needs then you should not get involved with someone who wants a sexual relationship. if you do you are only asking that person to live in your hell.

When a man shuts his wife out...Ignores her when she tries to talk to him about problems they need to resolve...And refuses to meet her emotional needs, that is also abuse. A woman should never give her body to her husband unconditionally. After 21 years of marriage, giving my husband his needs while he refused to meet mine...all I can say is I don't want him to touch me. I am not trying to withhold sex for punishment. I just don't feel any desire for sex with him because I feel like he pushed me away emotionally. Without a feeling of an emotional connection, I feel used. I refuse to live like that anymore.

You have taken an illegal attitude !!!!!!!.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.!!!
You are unfaithfull, and are imposing your will on him !!
you should be paying for all the cost of a divorce !!!!!

Holy crap...I could have written those words...here it is though...I love my husband..he is a phenomenal father and provider..he is a good man...well..then..is he really? I am starting to wonder...bu let me ask yo this...how do you put your need of intamacy above your child's need of a stable two parent home?

thats exactly how I feel

I agree with EVERYTHING you have written and, by sheer coincidence, identify with most of it. I thought I was in a loving relationship, a 23+ year marriage where I was the patient husband, always putting the feelings, needs and situations of my spouse ahead of my own. I saw all her avoidance's of intimacy as everything and anything except what is truly was - her calculated plan to refuse and withhold sex, to keep me hanging, to keep me around (and my paycheck and hard work, etc.). I saw it all, but thru rose-colored glasses, never letting my thoughts go that place where my dear, 'loving' wife was superficial & selfish *****, always rationalizes her excuses and actions for her refusals of intimacy in the best light for her.

That was, until this past Christmas. No matter what our situation was, we always made love Christmas Eve, after we had done our Santa routine. In some years, it was our only intimacy (and not for lack of asking and begging on my part). And it was always great and my wife was always passionate, dare I say an animal once we got going. But this year that ended.

I did our Santa bit, our daughters who are grown now (23 &17) fast asleep, and climbed in bed with my wife and let her know that all was done until the morning. She thanked me, and I kissed her softly and snuggled up to her - she said 'NO'! I ask what? She said she didn't feel like sex and she didn't care what day it was. I was kind of dazed and confused.

Christmas Day I asked her about the night before, she said she didn't remember. Now I could feel my blood beginning to boil but calmly asked her again about the night before, did she have any problems with breaking our 26 year tradition? She said she didn't care, it was silly and she wasn't going to have sex unless SHE wanted it. I asked if she knew when the last time we had sex (it was the previous Xmas Eve), she said she didn't care.

That was 3 weeks ago. I have been very quiet over that time, there isn't much to say when you've realized the woman you love, who you thought loved you and you've been together for 28 years is in reality a selfish *****. That notion is always in front of my brain, so engaging in chit-chat is kind of difficult. She, on the other hand, thinks I should get over it and has stopped talking to me which is kind of funny in a sad way.

My relationship has just ended again for the fifth time with the same girl. I love this girl with all my heart, she was my world. In the early days she used to flirt and have intimate conversations with many other men and each time our relationship broke down. In July 2011 it broke down for the forth time and she met and had sex with a stranger from a dating site. After a month or so she came back to me telling me she had made a huge mistake and how sorry she was for everything she had done. Cutting a long story short she convinced me she had changed so I went back to her.

Her ex husband then said he was moving 400 miles away and taking her children with him. We of course had no choice but to follow. We were only in our new place for 6 weeks before she started to doubt if she want to be together or not. We battled on.

She has many emotional problems most of which are about not having full time care of the children. I have alway tried to understand it.

However she never wanted to have sex with me and in ge last 4 months we had sex 3 times. I felt like I was going mad. I now feel completly inecure, worthless and all the other emotions this article explains.

She said she loves me and wishes it had worked but how can I believe that when she has yet again left me wishing I wasn't alive. All she had do was make me feel like I mattered and it could all have been so different.

My husband Ramon Acosta usmc withheld sex from me!! He emotionally abused me! I was blind and believed him for his reasons and no I think back it wasn't me it was his guilt and am glad to be away from a narccistic individual !!

I am a man of 75..still have a healthy libido.
I was married to my first wife very young..and had 2 sons, and gained custody when she met another man.
I met my 2nd wife a few years after the first ended..and she said she loved me...so when I got a council flat it was natural she came too.
From the onset she insisted on her own room, and never wanted to sleep with me or make love.
There were always excuses...'the boys are here'...even when they were absent...when they left home..'I want a house'...we got one...'we're not married'....we married...still nothing....months and months, then years passed...I loved her....took our vows seriously...then it became too late to leave...but then the bombshell.
She was 28...me 32 when we met...and recently she told me...she had lived with a guy from India...Colin Grant for 3 years...shared bed and room and had sex 3 times a week with him..but when she met me and my boys thought it would make a nice little family unit for her but she hadn't intended to have a love life!
I could never go through a divorce...she thrived in her profession...getting a headship...while I gave up my music as the place we moved to in Middlesex was a musical desert!
So a big THANKS to Christine Cunninham from NELSON for the 40 plus years of celibacy you gave me, the self confessed idiot who thought your behaviour was perhaps a medical issue.
I am of course going nowhere...at my age where? And why should I?

You coulden't have written that better, it sums up exactly how I am feeling. Untill I found this site and read what you and others have written I felt totally alone and lost. I thought I was the only person who feels as bad as this, I am so sorry for everyone else on here going through this but it is reassuring to know I am not alone.I am 24, and My boyfriend of 7 years left me for another woman and I stupidly took him back a year ago, when we split up he started taking mirtazapine just to get on the sick ( he admits this) and he has come back to me and we have had sex 6 times in a year, all of which I have had to plead for. He hasn't tried anything remotely sexual with me since his return and everytime I try to gently discuss this it results in a row, I made him go to the doctors to rule out anything medical and they found nothing and have told us it is more than likely down to the mirtazapine. (Though he has never had a big sex drive, I could handle it before because it was alot more often.) He promises to stop them but then I find him taking them again.The only thing he seems to get excited about or have any energy for is seeing his mates, an hour from where we live, he has the energy for this but why not for me?I am heartbroken. I have tried everything, herbal and prescription medicines, sexy outfits, asking him how I could please him, I am open to anything but he will not listen. The excuses are all the same, too tired, just doesn't feel like it etc, what bothers me the most is his unwillingness to discuss it and it results in a row everytime. I am attractive and loving, a nice person etc, I don't know what to do, please helpxx

So here it is ok to cry after 12 years, thank you.

Thank you for giving me a perspective in my failing relationship. I tried everything communicating, asking for therapy, initiating sex. He always made me feel awful like I was some sort of pervert.
The excuses were "I am tired, sleepy, stressed, headaches. We were intimated 7 times in two years!
I became pregnant the last time we were together. He won't hold me or touch me because I am pregnant. I feel so alone, unwanted, unloved and can't handled the fact that he masturbates while he withholds love and intimacy.
After reading your page I realized it is abuse! I can not deal with it any longer. I want to separate while I still have some part of me that loves me left!

I am right where you are!!! my daughter is 2 now and I have an 8 year old from previous relationship. my husband refused to touch me and told me my body parts were ugly (while I was 8 months preggo) he laughed even when I tried to dress sexy. laughed out loud. I am dependant on him as a provider and we are great friends but when it comes to sex he is too tired, not in the mood, or just flat out says no. we have sex maybe 5 times a year and he can never even look at me when we do. that only makes me feel worse. I have become bitter and angry and probably insane by now. I have started yelling aty the children and my desire to even lift my head off the pillow is gone. I told him I need sex and he told me im a spoiled, selfish little girl who uses my parents and him. why my parents came into the argument is part of his crazy ways of manipulating me into thinking its my fault. I keep asking myself if I really am because I want to leave and tear apart this otherwise happy home. but is it really happy???? no?! im his maid, his mother and his friend. I clean for him and wash his clothes and look pretty when we go to his work functions where I have to sit with all the Army wives talking about how their men wont leave them alone and I have to pretend I know what that's like. I wish I could feel that. I wish I was walking around still feeling him inside me. that is long gone and I am some how the freak for wanting it.

It just hurts so much. I blame myself and have torn apart every aspect of my life trying to find where I have the problem. I have spent countless nights crying. I have torn myself down. The feelings of being unattractive and rejected by the person I love the most in the world are consuming me. It's such a dark, dark place to be living.

THAAAAANK YOOOOUUUUU!!!! I've tried to be the best husband, father and provider I can be but LO!!! I am a Kenyan male 32 years of age. I met my wife 4 years ago to this date, we soon got married and settled down, she had a daughter so I have taken her to be my daughter. We have a two year old son together, light of my life. Last year Oct, we went through a financial crisis and lost our home, by May this year I had to move into my parents with my son and she moved with our friends, a married couple with a daughter the same age as our son. From Dec last year our intimacy was very corroded. When we lived separately, she had gotten to the point of disrespecting me even among our friends. We got a place end of July and she promised things would get better. As I write this I'm done being in this situation. Last night I came home from a hard day, my only client threatened to fire me (our intimacy issues are now starting to interfere with work), some pending payments taking long, and a friend of mine committed suicide leaving a son my son's age and a wife (got me thinking), I try to tell her about my day and she runs off to catch her favorite soap drama on tv... I'm DONE!!! This is unacceptable if anything, for my son's sake. I AM RECLAIMING WHO I AM AND WHAT I ALLOWED HER TO TAKE FROM ME!!!

Blessings for this post and all your shares.

I've never been into a relation and still virgin. Having Read this, i'll make a point in my relation to fulfil each other's sexual and emotional needs wen i'd be in one. :P. But as far as i know, if two gay men are boyfriends, they rarely have to encounter a sexless relation. Lol.

I am in this situation now. It totally sucks. She refuses to even talk about it. 4th year of marriage, 9th year of relationship. She cant even look at me when we talk about it. So sad.

My former husband used to stare at either the floor or at the ceiling whenever I would initiate a discussion on our sexless marriage so I know what you mean.

You need to ask yourself how much longer you are willing to accept this unacceptable, selfish, immature and irresponsible behaviour from her.

You say that she refuses to discuss it. Are your feelings not important to her? Are you not important to her? Is saving her marriage important? If so, she needs to emotionally engage with you...for your sake and for the sake of your marriage. It cannot go on like this forever...it will get worse if the issue(s) are not discussed. Good luck.

Hi, thank you. We fought for three straight days about it. I persisted and gave her an ultimatum. Either communicate with me or leave my life. She refused to share her emotions with me and said she didn't wanna talk about "us" anymore. She laid all of the blame on me for being "mean" and refused to accept any responsibility at all for our problems even after I admitted that I have issues and apologized for my own behavior. As normal, she did not apologize to me. Sunday, in the middle of a family crisis, she decided to go to her parents. I texted her because something felt funny. I asked if she was coming back and she said "I dunno, you've hurt me so much these past 3 days." So I filed for divorce Monday morning. While I feel that I have been ripped apart, I know this is the best thing for me. My house is a complete mess, I am about to finish my masters' degree, and I have to teach night classes. I am emotionally unstable, but heading down the right path on my own. In spite of these feelings, which are nearly more than I can bare, I will never go back because I decided that being alone is better than being with someone who does not care about me. The sex stopped about 2 years ago --slowed down to about 5 times a year. She said there were medical issues, but refused to go to a doctor. No love or affection for so long. no soft kisses, no cuddles, nothing. She turned around in bed about 1.5 years ago and Ive been sleeping with her feet ever since, until now. I am 39, feel old and depressed, and feel I have lost something even though in the end I know I will gain my dignity and self-respect. She made me feel like a pervert for wanting intimacy and belittled my attempts to share my emotions with her. I feel sick. I hope that time goes by quickly and heals my broken heart. This is so weird because its like I watched from outside myself as I ended my marriage, which at first seemed it would last a lifetime.

Hi, I am going through exactly the same and feel exactly the same as you and I just wanted to say, thankyou for giving me hope that I could leave too, and find another road to this hellish one, also, 39 isn't old your still young and atleast you haven't made this beak in your sixtees or seventees x

sorry to hear that it happend to me for almost a year n on thanksgiving he admited to cheating. He hurt me so badly but am divorcing him. I hope one day he regrets it and love ***** him!! Don't let anyone hurt you put a stop to it ASAP!

Today is the final day I stay in this place, We picked her sister and her husband last night and the only thing keeping me for another day is the turnover and keys to the next owners, I was going to turn in the equipment tomorrow for my cable phone and internet, but the cable company said the next owners just want a transfer with a phone number change so at 10: am tomorrow I will be using hot spot communications until I get out west. The only cell is a track phone but the farther west I go the worse that will be.
My wife is crying about the great memories we are leaving, but for the life of me I can't remember anything here as great, I only remember pain, denial, people telling me I had to do what they wanted, and work.
Then I realized while I was being denied a life she was living one, as far as I am concerned the Great lakes can swallow this state, all the ideals and the egotism that is prevelent, I am not apologetic to those I have hurt, they started it, I am not apologetic for taking back my life, I owe no one here a thing as far as being loyal.
I was asked if there was a way I could consider leaving my wife here and me leaving, We would stay married and I would pay for her household, but it seemed that was a good solution, This was not my wife's suggestion, I said I leave, my money leaves and all ties are cut tomorrow morning except fore returns from utilities, all final bills are paid except medical, filed suit on insurance for then to get off their rear and get going along with about a 100000 others it seems. That's another sticking point with my father. I don't like having medical insurance that wont pay their parts.
I am not nice when I call them. I also wont consider paying for two households. and I keep our son due to her bi polar and inability to drive.
Her friends and my father feel I am being unfair, said you are taking her away from friends just for your own spite, and inability to let the past go.
I mentioned that I was not the one who suggested a new ease in time, the one started in 1985 has not worked, so why forget the past.
Today my wife has made her decision she leaves with me, her sister and her husband. We will be back home six or seven days from now. These friends here can drop dead. They were not my friends, they were my users.
My sister in law said what did the others want from me. I said my fealty, they are not getting it.
I ask. would you listen to a society and a father that wanted just to torment you, or would you lay your terms down and leave.

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I just saw a funny joke and wrote a response to it that may sum some of this up. Jokes are often funny because they contain large kernels of painful truth.

Pills,
The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection .
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm looking for a place to live, can you help me?

Could this be a possible follow-up for this story (or as Paul Harvey would say “The Rest of the Story”) and the relocation help you requested?

I don’t understand why in the world she would have a problem with this response. After all, she should understand that it’s tough for most guys to get excited about a woman who deliberately, systematically turns herself into a 250# +++ cow. This will be especially true if she was dead from the neck down for weeks, months or even years at a time when she was only 130# and hot stuff. All things considered, how can she expect instant attention and response after she doled out years worth of rejection and piled on the pounds to make sure he left her alone? She shouldn’t be surprised, this is a perfectly predictable ending to the story and ultimately the one she wanted.

Maybe you should give her this before your relocation.

To Brightonion

Walk away while you still can. Before I married my wife she asked me to wait until the wedding night so that it was special - even though we had both had prior relationships. I made the mistake of agreeing and have now endured a virtually sexless marriage for more than 28 years. I can tell you people don’t change. If you man does not want sex now he almost certainly never will and the OP is spot on with how it feels.

I am now more and more thinking that in my 50's it is now or never for me - but it is scary leaving a marriage that has lasted so long - despite the unending pain.

I divorced in my mid forties and despite the emotional and severe financial tolls it took on me, I can honestly say that I have never been happier than I am right now.

It takes time away from a sexless marriage to fully digest just how dysfunctional it really was. One knows it's bad when they're actually in it, but physical distance and the gift of time give major insight into just how wrong/unacceptable it really was.

Good luck to you wherever your journey takes you. 28 years? And you're only in your 50's? With all due respect, don't you think you owe it to yourself to actually enjoy YOUR life at some point? That may sound disrespectful, but I ask it earnestly.

I completely relate to this...sadly. I am in a relationship with a devoted, kind, funny and apparently normal kind of guy. Except we only have sex maybe once or twice a year. He doesn't compliment me on my looks, hardly holds my hands or initiates hugs or any form of physical closeness. He gives all kinds of reasons (e.g. tired, stress, we don't live together etc).<br />
<br />
I am afraid cos we are talking about marriage and I love him very much but it would kill me if I went into this and realise I made a mistake. He assures me that things will change once we get our own place but my self esteem, confidence and self worth has been taking quite a blow. Should I trust him and take a chance? Or walk away when I've invested 5 years of time and effort into this relationship? Everything is great EXCEPT for this heart breaking fact.

Walk. Away.

Don't just walk away; RUN GIRL RUN! RUN, just as fast and far as you can as if you were on fire! I have spent 37 years in a marriage with one that is much as the one you describe. Promises, excuses, in 37 years there isn't an excuse or reason I haven't heard. What you will find is there will always be a reason for a cold dead fish being cold and dead. At this point you are only out 5 years. Consider yourself lucky that you aren't out 30 or 40 years. I just wish I had known before saying "I DO" what I know now. If I had, "I Do" would have been "Like Hell I will"!

I am in an almost similar situation. My heart breaks for you because only someone that has been in this situation knows the pain that you are enduring.

I was in a similar situation and I married him. He was the most wonderful guy I'd ever met, and although our physical relationship was not great I felt that it didn't matter because everything else about him was so wonderful. We have had sex about 5 times since we married nearly 3 years ago. When we talk about it it ends up in an argument, and he can't explain what the problem is, apart from the stress, tiredness, the kids. We have 3 kids between us. He criticizes my son, and from almost day one he stopped paying me any compliments. If I did something for him, he would point out the one thing I did wrong. He now says its because he thought I would leave him - but why would he think that as soon as we got married? He is not abusive like the other people mentioned here, he doesnt insult me, and he is making some changes which make me believe he may be able to change. But I'm not sure...

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Omg I feel like I could have written this so many if the things it says I have felt in my gut and have verbalized thank you so much for writing this it vindicated me

To All:<br />
I would just like to thank everyone who has posted on behalf of, ISELFLOVE. I just wanted to tell my story for all to see. I am the former husband to the poster, "glitterinmyveins". I'm sure you all remember her. Reference: (Oct. 4, 2010) <br />
I am a former Marine. I was married to, we'll call her gliter, for 5 years. In the begining everything was great. Life, love, and intimacy was great. I was deployed with the Marine Corps in 2005. Soon after I had discovered, through my sister, that my wife had moved in with another guy. After receiving this information I stopped sending money to her. This woman thought enough of herself to write our congresswoman a letter stating that I was not supporting her. The result was our congresswoman, "Missouri", calling my commanding officer to relay the message that I had to start sending her money again. I was irate. Not only was my wife living with another man, but I had to pay their bills too. Some time after returning home from the Marine Corps I began to persue my degree. She called me one day and ask me to have dinner. Against my better judgement I went; thus began a new relationship. Despite our past I decided to give it an honest shot. Our relationship was good once again. Time had past and she became more distant. She began to refuse any and all intimacy. This refusal, over time, cause additional problems within our relationship. I compromised myself in anyway possible to make her happy, thinking it woud make a difference. I had lost my sense of self-worth and knew that the problem was me. I tried to talk to her to, "get things in the open". I even went as far as to suggesting journals for when we had arguements. Instead of fighting we would write our disagreement in a journal and give it to the other person. I thought this would allow each side to better understand the others point-of-view. This lasted all of two days. I began to seek assistance in other places, which led me to this forum. Reading what everyone had to say and the logic behind it gave me a second wind. I decided to show her what ISELFLOVE had suggested. As you may have read already, she did not agree. I thank all who explained to her the simple logic. It was quite amusing to see her eat her own words. I just wanted to encourage everyone who is being, "dragged through the mudd". There is life on the otherside. I am now free of the neglect and you can be too. I am now in a great relationship with someone who is able to treat me in a fashion that I deserve. It's been a little over a year since this forum gave me the will to do what needed to be done. I should have realized much earlier, but after her post I realized the kind of person she was. I realized that my feelings for her were just that, "Mine". I am able to do with them as I please. So, I decided to give them to someone else. I am now in a caring relationship with someone who returns the intimacy, respect, and work. Every relationship takes work. I'm just glad I have finally found someone to share the load.

Well This is crazy I would suppose there is more men going through this. I am actually a woman 40 and married, SEX was great in the beginning when we were in our 20 even up to may be 30's that I recall. But ever since we bought a house in 2006 Sex is not that great , and guess what we have no children so that even sucks for me because everyone around me has had them .Everything came late in our lives while others got married and divorced with or without kids. I married at 32 years old got my house at 34 I have traveled, I even got oprated because I had fybroids when I was 37 to discover that thats why I was not getting pregnant. Oh Well, To give you a great example I have been documenting my dates of when I have sex So we had sex sometime in February and not until just recent May 13th, 2012. Tis is not normal. I do not consider myself a bad looking and still haver a decent body, I have to admit Im sexy , buy this is REALLY not normal how can a 41 man not desire his wife, funny thing I know he has no one else Hes with me .He actually smokes, drinks and a little overweight could that be the problem he is tired, as I am writing this post he is laying down, watching tv supposedly but I hear him snoring, He uses the excuse that I was a B____h today and using it as a mean of punishment. I have tried to converse with him but he makes me feel like Im wrong , and I told him analyze yourself and your rejections towards me and hes like yeah whatever. Please help me Thank you and sorry for venting because this has been going like this way too many times and rejection sucks

Every so often when I question if I have made a right decision as to whether or not I made the right decision about getting out of my own SM. I come read this. Just the medicine I need. Tanks :-)

I have been in a previous relationship that was sexless and robbed me of my self esteem. Now I thought I was involved with a good guy but it turns out he is much like the other one bahhh sick of ******** pretending to be good people.

You are fantastically correct in this. I was just telling an EP friend of mine that I think by refusing sex, W is in a way abusing me. It's been going on for 15 months and counting, and this is the second time this marriage has gone SM. The first time was almost 2 years. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Call me stupid for staying, but my two adorable kids are the one reason why I am here. Thanks for verbalizing what I have been thinking.

i just read this and i sill make excuses. I'm married 19 years. we have a child that I could never walk away from. Oh we do have sex once a month, but I feel like she's only doing it because she has to. She would never ask or even come over to kiss me other than to say hi or bye. Never any contact by her in a sexual way. As if its dirty or something. She wasn't like this before. I don't know when it started. I'm just tired of that alone feeling. I need to be held, loved and touched in that way only your lover can. It's been at least 10 years since my wife touched me that way. I still have not gone behind her back. But that will change soon.

damn...publish this so I can tape it on her pillow....feaking yes...it is abuse. Thanks for expressing it so well.

Like many of the previous posters here, I want to thank you for opening this discussion. I find that virtually 99% of all books, websites, advice forums, etc. advocate staying married - regardless of the situation (unless there's physical abuse involved). And they almost always assume the unhappy partner hasn't spent a significant amount of time and effort into trying to improve/save the marriage.<br />
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What they all fail to recognize is that (a) it takes two people really trying to make it work, (b) usually the one who hasn't been trying only starts doing so when it's too late - and only because they don't want a divorce (for financial, religious, or social reasons, mostly), and (c) sex and physical affection are absolutely an integral part of love if both parties are relatively healthy. I fail to understand the huge disconnect between sex and love in these people's minds - it is almost as if they feel like sex is somehow dirty and/or "just physical" and therefore less important. Sex is NOT just physical (although it can be) - it is the way our bodies are designed to express the deepest admiration and love for someone.<br />
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It's also disturbing how the "denying" or abusive/selfish/ungiving spouse ends up somehow on the moral high ground and gets to play the martyr role. And yes - this is usually the wife, but not always. I also find it equally disturbing that we have become a society of cowards, too easily shamed into saying what is true because it doesn't fit into the "moral" majority. As far as I'm concerned it is immoral to expect a person to stay married when the their partner for years refuses to work on the marriage (including sex). It is immoral to use "ethics" or religion to subjugate anyone to this existence. Men, women, society, and the courts need to make divorce acceptable and even recommended IF real effort has been made to make the relationship work and it doesn't.

Thank you for this post i am living with the sitution right now you made me feel as if i am not alone you clarified my thought of divorcing him and i am going to because i cannot live this way anymore you are right on when you say that divorce is the only answer one just cant try by themselves it is a no win contest thank you again.

Quietman, you're absolutely right. Our feminized society has the playing field necessary for compromise tilted against men. I haven't had sex in almost a year and a half. It's always my inability to fulfill her emotional needs. Whenever I bring it up, I'm to blame. If I leave, she keeps the kids, and needs the house because of it. She doesn't work, and despite rising costs to raise kids she's made no attempt to find employment. <br />
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The kids are older now, she doesn't need to be in the home all the time. She refuses to move or take any measures to reduce living costs. We both have MBAs and she once had a career. Why should I, or any husband, carry the entire burden to keep the family financially stable, try to figure out his wife's vague emotional needs, and in the process suffer celibacy?<br />
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Certainly my comments could hold for any woman in a similar situation. But it's a more common situation for men. Women are liberated to control their bodies. Men have to take it without complaint or be labeled a sexual predator.

The irony in not telling the refused marriage partner the reason(s) for the unwillingness to make love is that the refuser will often tell a close friend or, ( God forbid ) someone that they ARE physically involved outside the relationship, the exact reason(s) for the denial of relations with their significant other.<br />
For those stating the sex is not important in a marriage, thats what sex was made for; the context of marriage. How could something God made for marriage not be important?