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Refusing Sex = Emotional Abuse

Withholding sex in a "loving" relationship is Emotional Abuse. Denying one's partner the bond which cultivates closeness and intimacy with them is Emotional Abuse. Whether their refusal is due to mental illness, passive/aggressive anger or control issues or an underlying reason that even they are not aware of, the act of not even trying to right this wrong is Emotional Abuse. Sex is the glue which holds a relationship/marriage together. It is supposed to be the one thing which separates a couple from just being friends or just being roommates. Denying one's partner sex and sexual intimacy is abuse because it makes their partner feel unwanted, undesired, unworthy, unattractive, unhappy and unfulfilled. It is NOT FAIR. It is NOT WHAT YOU HAD SIGNED UP FOR. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If the refuser doesn't try to deal with their reason for inflicting this devastating blow to their partner's psyche, self-esteem and sense of self-worth, then it is just plain CRUEL and SELFISH. It may make their partner question their self-worth, it may cause depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, lessen their ability to think rationally, create a sense of hopelessness and cause them constant worry. It is crippling. It is emotionally painful.  It indeed hurts.  It drains one's energy, makes them feel like they're fighting a losing battle, and makes them question their own sanity. Again, it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. There has to be a reason; the refused did not cause this.  Even if they did, they cannot begin to right the situation if the refuser refuses to even discuss the matter. The refuser withholds sex and that is not fair and is wrong, very wrong. If they have a problem, whether it be a mental or physical issue or personal reason, they should own up to it and try to get it out and into the open. Not discussing the problem only makes it fester and causes additional problems. I realize and appreciate that every relationship is different and has its own dynamics, but one thing which is very real is that denying one's self and their loved one the pleasure, passion, joy and emotional fulfillment of sexual intimacy is indeed a form of Emotional Abuse and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Good luck to anyone who is in a sexless relationship/marriage.  From my experience, I believe that one can give and give and try to make it work out but it's a no-win situation since there is only one partner who is trying.  Eventually one realizes that there is nothing left to give and nothing left to compromise; they have given all that they are capable of and have already compromised themselves too much.  If one realizes this and sees the situation for what it truly is, they will feel it in their gut, they will know that enough is enough and they will hopefully get the heck out and move on with THEIR LIFE while they still have love for their self.  Sexless Marriage truly sucks.  The emotional abuse truly hurts. Thankfully there are lots of folks on this forum, like me, who have made it to the other side and are living happy and healthy sex lives filled with joy, tenderness and respect.  We've been where you are.  We understand your pain and frustration.  You are not alone.  Good luck to anyone who has experienced or is currently living in this situation.  I hope that things will get better, but if they don't, I hope you will find the courage and inner strength to take care of your self.  Life is way too short to settle for less. 
ISELFLOVE ISELFLOVE 41-45, F 155 Responses Jul 22, 2010

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my heart is shattered. I have been with my husband for almost 6 years and he has continuously refused me. my soul is crushing under the weight and I feel like my mind is out of control. I feel so ****** up because he has been a great provider and father and friend. Yea we are like best friends, living together, playing house and I am dying inside. since the da we married he has been withholding sex from me. Making me beg for it and telling me I make him feel used. When I was very pregnant my mom sent something kinda sexy for valentines and I wore it and he laughed and told me my vagina looked like a deflated football. when we were first married and I couldn't understand why we were noyt having all this sex I was so hungry for I tried dressing up and being ready for him when he got home from work. He told me I just made him feel used and like he HAD to have sex with me. I think I am going crazy. I told him 50% of why I got married was because I wanted to have a sexual relationship that was deemed good in the eyes of God and family and he told me I was crazy that I can have sex 50% of the time, but that is not what I said. I told him I thought 3 times a week and he scoffed. He will not read any articles I have sent him and we went to individual and couples therapy for 6 months. I am now 30 with two kids and the only answer I get out of him is "i don't know" or "im working on it".

Sorry to unload to a bunch of strangers but I don't know who knows what it is like. and this is not the woman refusing the man crap that I always read about. **** I WISH my husband would follow me around with a hard on. All I get is a flaccid **** ni my mouth and a look of pity from my husband.

"best friends, living together, playing house and I am dying inside". I know exactly how you feel and it's hellish. I know I can't be much help, your efforts with therapy are proof positive that you have tried to improve the situation but it appears that your husband is unwilling to change.
My own relationship feels utterly broken by my partners ambivalence toward sex. We've been together three years and it started off with frequent, great sex. After a year the intimacy became more sporadic but in the last 18months we've had sex twice and not at all in the last 12months. Whatever attempts I make to initiate intimacy are rejected, worse, even the simple pleasures of kissing is spurned as an "obvious attempt to start things".
What I guess I'm trying to say is that whether your partner is male or female, constant rejection and a refusal to initiate change is poisonous to any relationship. If your feelings really mattered your husband would do more.
Anything done out of pity is no consolation - the rare occasions are worse because they're so forced and begrudged.
I hope your situation improves, with or without your husband. You've a long life ahead of you and it shouldn't be spent sublimating your needs

I guess there really is no happy answer, cure all to this. My husband fundamentally doesn't not want or view sex like I do. I just wish he could stop dragging me along with him and be honest with himself and with me. IF he is gay, please tell me so I can make an educated decision about our marriage. If he is asexual and that is that, TELL me so I can make an educated decision about the future. I am open and willing to find a way to work through this if only I was getting the same efforts from him. but I tried everything. Asking, begging, demanding, refusing. I even refused just because I wanted him to feel the same rejection I felt and when I told him that he said i was being cruel. THe man has orgasmed inside me one time our entire relationship! arrrgh!!! punch punch punch!

Naomi: Your husband's behavior is your answer. Obviously, the sexless marriage is working for him, and he has no reason to tell you why he doesn't want to have sex with you. He knows that if he tells you he's gay, asexual, married you for your money or a green card, you'd leave him.

You can either ignore his behavior and keep waiting forever to get the kind of marriage that you desire and deserve but he'll never give you or you can have the guts to divorce and therefore set yourself free to find the kind of love you want and desire. Right now, by staying you're collaborating with your refuser in creating a miserable life for yourself. Keep staying with him and as time goes by you'll be more and more trapped and will have given up more and more things that you had wanted -- things like, for instance, having children.

i already gave him my 20's. Now im 30 and don't want to sacrife those years as well.

But that's exactly what you're choosing to do -- sacrifice your life for a man who is happily living in a sexless marriage. Individual therapy could help you view your life accurately and get the confidence and guts to take the steps under your control to give yourself the kind of life you want. You can't control your husband, but you can control your own actions.

You don't have to sacrifice like that, no one should. I am considered a bad person because after 31 years I stopped accepting the statues quo after I found she had an affair, I hammered the man she was with and ended up in a stress center for anger management. When I came home I could not believe she was planning to go out with another man, I know I arrived home a full day before expected, and I lost my temper, but that day I determined I paid for 31 years of her life, and receiving nothing in return, I collected the first installment. Been collecting since. The guy she was going with went to the ER, and the last year I have not allowed any interference, there have been attempts made, All of the interferers including my own father have been hurt, In fact its almost two months latter and he still has a bruised face. I know you are a woman, have you asked if there is a medical problem, if he is hypertensive the meds can cause a problem, if he has a pinched nerve in his back that can do it two.
Please sit down with him and ask if there is a problem, You might have to draw it out because some are embarrassed to even entertain the idea of a problem there, If its something in his mind have him seek help! Its worth it in the end.
I wish there had been someone in my early marriage that had listened, and others that did not interfere. There could be an outside influence to.

Hi Naomi,

You're currently in a platonic relationship that's doing more damage than good. 5 years from now you'll be in the same relationship, hating your life if nothing changes. I am sure you tried everything you can by now.
If you remain in this relationship you're facing years of frustration. If someone were to ask you to make a choice: "Leave him" or "Stay with him" you'd probably say that you love him very much and you can live without the sex just to spend your life with him. You'd say this even if you probably contemplated the idea of leaving him 1000 times in the past years..
it seems to me that you're putting his own happiness before yours. He doesn't seem to be interested in doing the same.

Give yourself 6 months - 1 year with him. Have a talk and tell him you need a change. Then if nothing changes after 1 year, go find happiness somewhere else :)

Think about this - at some point you'll start being attracted to other people, and then it will be too late to keep your focus on your husband and on improving your relationship, because you'll start caring less and less without actually wanting to.

So give it a try together and then if it doesn't work, you won't regret not having tried at all. Hopefully he won't either

All the best!


I'm not sure you can fix things once a partner stops wanting sex. If real love was manmade we would have no divorce rate. Don't get lost in asking him why he no longer wants you, chances are he won't tell the truth for a million different reasons. Cut to the chase. It doesn't really matter why if you think about it. What it comes down to is that you can't hide your feelings they show in everything you do. If your not doing something its because you can't or don't want to.

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Thank you! This truly helped me.. I have been with someone for only short 9 months and first guy I have lived with since my divorce 6 years ago and it has been hell.. We were full of passion at first but he has shown his true colors for at least 5 months. Yes we have had sec but ONLY when he wants it not when I do but that is not our only issue!! Thanks

You so right about that

Thank you for the clear description of everything that has been happening to me. I knew it, of course, but sometimes it helps to have someone else describe what you are going through. I, in common with some others, find myself currently trapped by finance and circumstance, but I do not intend for that be the whole picture for ever. My circumstance ( caring for a beloved elderly) will not last forever. My financial situation ( I currently live in another country far from home, where English is not the main language, & far from cities where my career experience is useful. I am at the end of my tether trying to reason with the man in my life, who finds every reason and excuse to keep us apart, to blame me & my personality for our estrangement, and who responds to my statements about how this is hurting me by telling me I have to be nicer to him. What is remarkable is that he still claims to love me - it seems that he is actually *unable* to understand what he is doing in trying to control me by refusing physical closeness - not just sex: if I displease him in any small way he responds by telling me I am sleeping alone. Frankly, I am ok with that now - I seem to have crossed a line, past caring . I am no longer buying into the 'all my fault' thing, and his words have less power to hurt me. I hope that he recognises what he is doing one day - but I doubt it: his self-vindication is powerful. This brings me to the important point: I left him before because of this and similar treatment. I went back to my own country for 18 months. I returned because I love him and truly value him as a person - he is a good person in many ways - and because I honestly believed he loved me. In his own way, I guess he thinks he does. I believe he is driven by a sense of fear and being less-powerful than me in some way - even though I am financially dependent on him now, having moved to be with him. SO - to anyone who has left their partner over this treatment, and is thinking of going back - think twice, think three times. The pattern of behaviour that allows for this is not easily eradicated. It will probably resurface as it did here, for me.

I was happy to find this post too, just to have the confirmation that i'm not going crazy over this, which my wife would have me believe, that i am exaggerating and blowing this out of proportion. The part that really hit me in your response is that he says you have to be nicer to him. They use it as a bargaining tool! But there never is the reward or payback that they would love for us to believe it just around the corner, if we are just that little bit nicer, bit friendlier to their friends, bit more outgoing, bit more etc etc! I do everything I can to look and feel sexy to my wife but its a useless attempt because she does not notice the cologne i'm wearing that she thought was nice once, or the shirt she used to like. Its the small things that connect us together in marriage, otherwise we wouldn't have gotten together in the first place but now everything is just overlooked.

Once sex in a marriage is thought of as a bargaining tool that is the first blackmail, He or she will say I promise that if you do as I or my friends wants then our real marriage can begin, then leave an open end in the promise.
It is extortion, fraud, and cohersion in a marriage. It came to a point with me that I stole my wife's journal and read them, I had promised not to years ago, but after so many of the things I was promised did not come to pass I thought why do I have to maintain this promise. It might give me insight as to why she was being this way, Copies of her journals, are now in the hands of a U.S. attorney, and the DA, She said to the U.S. attorney how can he steal something this private and turn them over to you without a warrant, He said they were in his house and after he uncovered evidence of a crime he bought it to our attention, My father and mother as well as myself were in the conference room with my wife when my father asked what crime was comited except him telling my friends, myself, his union, he was going to take the rights he thought he deserved, He has to understand it is up to others to allow what rights he has, The U.S. Attorney I think could not believe what my father said, he asked what do you mean what rights me, myself and my friends allow the rights your son has? my father said there are people in a community that come in as an outsider, he needs to understand he does not have the same rights, The attorney said that's the crime that was commited, you and others conspired along with your sons wife to deny your sons civil rights.
My father just about dropped through the floor, the attorney said this is a situation where you used a woman that was on heavy mind controlling drugs, like seroquell, xanix, lithium, cogentan, and meloril, to get her cooperation in having your son stay in a place, he could have had a better life, My father said he's a big boy he could take more than most, No body expected somebody his size to ever be anything but a strong back, he was not supposed to be able to build computers, repair complex items, he was an outsider. He would not stay in the place he was assigned, The only thing any one could do to get his cooperation was get his wife to withhold sex unless he did what was expected.

I have been married 7 years to this man and I have back pain and he won't ask for sex or come on to me he says it's not in his nature, but he will look at **** 24/7 and I get nothing he mentally abusses me bewittes me and blames me for his seeking out other woman. I stay home 24/7 he leaves me no car and I don't know anyone who has a car and I have no phone. I am his prisoner. I have been drugged in the past I refuse to eat or drink.

Dear Kamama69,

Please, please, please, please- Get help immediately. You are in a severely abusive relationship beyond the help of anyone on this website. Please, I beg you, please go to your closest shelter for domestic abuse. I don't know where you live or I would try to help you find out who to call. Often, in many cities, you can call 211 to find social services. There is NOTHING normal about what you are experiencing. The next step for your husband will be to start beating you, and then, eventually, he will kill you. Please leave immediately- well obviously, wait until he is not home and you are not expecting him for hours, hopefully he has a job and you cold leave while he is at work. All big cities, and many counties in rural areas, have a shelter for women who are being abused by their husbands or boyfriends. It sounds like you are very isolated and may be living out in the country. Usually, in these situations, someone will come pick you up if you just call for help. If that is not possible, then please, just walk. I don't care if you are ten miles out in the country, walk. What you are describing is a prison and is VERY alarming. i am so scared for you.

I used to be married to an abusive man and I left him and changed my life. But even the abuse I suffered does not sound nearly as bad as what you are suffering. It is NOT OK for anyone to deprive you of transportation, to isolate you, make you feel bad about yourself, LET ALONE to DRUG fact, it is a criminal act, punishable by prison, for anyone to drug you.

You are gong to die of starvation or dehydration if you don't eat or drink.

Please write back and tell me you are still alive at least. Please tell me what town or city you are in or near, so I can help you find the help you need. Please, be very careful and try not to provoke the psychopath you are married to. He is not rational and will not respond the way a normal, rational, healthy adult would respond....I am not religious, but I will pray for you to be OK.

I agree with nomore12. GET OUT while you can! There are resources in place in every major city to help you get to safety. NO ONE deserves to be treated this way! This is not what love and marriage are about! And it's all the more horrific that you are dealing with health issues. You must have nourishment and hydration to live. He can't treat you this way unless you let him.

Hello, First off I want to say this is very en lighting. I have read many of your struggles and it helps me see that I am not crazy for feeling like I feel. Ladies that are struggling all that I can say is I wish I had a woman who would approach me about making love instead of it being me. You see my wife recently told me she did not want sex anymore with me until she healed from the dysfunction our marriage has caused her. She thinks I am a sex addict. Do I like Sex? absolute, it is how I connect on a deeper level. I do not look at ****, I do not cheat, I have taken financial care of her and her two children and adopted one of them for 13 years and she has never worked. I always have fear to pursue her because she has told me not to. She thinks I fill up on sex and she can not be my vessel to relive stress or fill up so she cuts me off totaly. New years eve I wanted to make love to her so bad so I ask, she got angry said I disrespected her and she wanted out of this marriage. of course now that I gave her the option and said fine now she tells me I do not care about her and called me trash and many other names she also has told me she hates me many times. She says I am the reason our marriage is bad and if it wasn't for me she could be happier. She always disrespected me in front of the kids and has treated mine like crap for years. All I want is to be respected and loved and maybe have my ego stroked sometimes instead of being torn down. I am not sying I have been perfect but I am saying I am dieing in side. I feel unloved and unwanted. I feel like she blames me for everything. I feel like I need to end my life so many times just so the pain will go away. I use to be strong and now I am week. Is it to much to ask to be honored and respected are there women out there who are like that? I put her on a pedestal so high and put her before my own kids. Am I asking to much am I being selfish? Please help me what do I do.

Vinny, Our society has become so callous anything you do will now be considered the most disrespecting thing you could ever do. on one side the law, you are not the master in your own home, the other side is the religious, they want you to be the forgiver. If you have the opportunity get out of this situation you should, Its better to rent a wife, I know my own situation has become so dark this might be bad advice but think on it.

Vinny, my heart goes out to you. As a woman with a high sex drive and a passionate person, it hurts like hell when your partner refuses your needs, and tries to make YOU out to be the bad guy for wanting what should be shared in a loving, generous and giving way. It's not right that both women and men are doing this to their mates! Especially in a marriage! It takes a LOT for a man to commit to a woman for the rest of his life, and so if he does, a wife should do everything in her power to keep him happy and satisfied (so long as its reciprocal). And that is not just sexually, BUT that is an important component of that. Clearly, you are putting out a lot of love and effort towards her. To put it bluntly, my now boyfriend was intimidated when we first met, because I made no bones about what I needed in a man sexually! That I would bone my man every night if I could! I have been on the receiving end of a sexless relationship, and I'll NEVER do it again. Sex should never be used as a bargaining tool or a weapon against the person you say you love. It is the glue that helps bind you together, gets you through rough times, and reaffirms and deepens your love for each other.

Women withholding sex is equal to a men withholding emotional support. Whoever started first should do their part. Because, I always show my emotional support until she withhold sex and then I completely ignore her. She then gets angry just like how I get angry when she withhold sex. Men are in a ball park of 65% physical to 35% emotional - and vice versa for women.

I am blessed I guess - I have the sex drive of a man!! But I'm all woman. So it was extremely painful to be denied what I needed (in two different relationships, no less!). I need emotional support AND great physical intimacy from my man. I am very blessed to have both now.

I read this and it's exactly how I feel. I love my girlfriend so deeply but she refuses to be intimate in any way. Even a kiss is only a peck. It's driving me mad I feel like she doesn't care and I am beginning to get angry and I'm a very passive person. It's out of my control because I try to treat her right compliment her and show her I care. I'm a good looking guy and could find someone else easily but all I want is her. What do I do??? Someone must be able to help. If I try to talk about it she gets angry and abusive I feel I've tried everything.

Ask her why and tell her how you feel like you can better or enjoy to express your emotions and care for her physically. Try to get her to understand where you're coming from.
If she is a "good girl" and is not yet ready to be physical, that is a different story. But definitely have a sober and thought provoking conversation with her. And I say sober because you don't want to take her out to dinner, have a few drinks, and then talk to her....she might get all emotional and feel like you're attacking her. The less you use the word "you" in your conversation, the less she'll feel like you're just trying to make her feel like a terrible girlfriend. When you do use the word "you" - only say positive things. Tell her how you feel and you would like to be more physical; talking in terms of "I feel like a physical connection is really important", "I really like it when you do ___. It makes me feel attractive/special/significant to you."
Good luck with your talk!!

If things don't improve after a month or so, you need to move on. They don't get better after marriage.

That is great advice, chaslady! Very objective, diplomatic and thoughtful. I agree totally with the "I" statements. They are a powerful tool to establish and affirm what you need without putting the other person on the defense.

ive been with my boyfriend for 8 yrs now ever since I had a kid with him he refused sex and became abusive he never ever wants sex and he has no sexual problems I use to get it once a year if I harassed him everyday and finally hed do it for like 6 minutes ..then it went to every other yr once now not at all he will say tomorrow we will then tomorrow comes and he will say tomorrow get the point he gives me the run around we are just roomates at this point and I never gained weight or anything other guys cant relate it really makes me insane he will go on **** though it hurts im rejected everyday its not that hard u know

I registered here because of this spot on description. Thank you so much

All you poor abused souls, wow, I didn't even know this was so bad and I was part of this huge group of people who have attached themselves to these sick life suckers!!! I would say my current husband is a ladykiller. He swooped in and totally took over my life, and I let him,,, When we met he really swept me off my feet. He is British, educated, charming, a huge flirt, loves women, especially older ones!!!! Mommy issues. I was fresh out of a 10 year boring, normal relationship and he was a English, drummer/ self published author/poet, that formally lived in my faviorite places in the world london and San Francisco for 10 years then moved to Laguna beach where he came to live with friends and stop drinking. He was sleeping on the couch of a 60 year old womans couch, he said they never had anything going on, i found letters later on proving that they did. he formally lived with a girlfriend who was 15 years his senior, and she kicked him out. He is a former addict of everything you can possibly chug, snort, smoke, shoot up, and screw. He at this point is clean except for smoking weed, and I had no idea how much he was smoking, it was a lot! But I didn't know this until I got pregnant 4 months into our relationship!!!!
It never was crazy throw you on the bed, have to have you now kinda sex that you have at the start of a relationship, especially with a musician, poet. All the signs were there I was just so blind and I thought things would change for some reason.
So after I find out I'm pregnant he unloads everything on me but slowly and nonchalantly, I use to have sex with Asian massage parlor girls, I wrote my first book in the corner of a tranny bar, my sister messed with me when I was little, I need to marry you so I can get my greencard so I can work to support you guys, ill watch the baby and you work, i found tones of **** on the internet and texting, i got spyware after a while. and on and on, all while I'm knocked up with his baby inside of me and its way to late to terminate the pregnancy. So much stupid stress and such a screwed up person, but I am a very giving and loving fool who was so tricked!
I had our beautiful baby girl and I just thought I was a habit, he didn't touch me while I was pregnant now we have to ease our way back into things. He was creeped out there was a baby in me a didnt think it was right to have sex with a pregnant woman.
In the last 3 months we've had sex 2 times. He says its my weight but I way the same as when we first started going out,,, I should have just moved to another state to get away from him,, but its so scary to be alone and pregnant. Luckily I think I've developed a backbone thanks to my beautiful daughter. I don't want her to expect to be treated this way when she grows up,
So my done button has been pushed, I know I am an amazing,beautiful person who deserves healthy love and he will never be able to give that to me, BUT, I depend on him to watch our daughter while I work to support our family, she is 16 months old. As unhealthy as it is I really feel right now if I just found a "friend with benefits" it would ease the pain and kinda empower me, kinda like a eff you to all the turn downs. But this is going to be a process and a half to get readjusted and get my ducks in a row and I have needs!!!! II feel like I need to go to a shelter for abused women and just get away from him for good.

My husband Ramon Acosta did this to me for a year I cried to him and asked what was wrong with me and he said nothing not until your ready to have my kid and it destroyed me. Every night I'd wonder mayb he's planning somthing romantic but nothing happend I remember catching him ************ that was extruciating pain: as a woman his wife he left me a scar
In novenmer he confessed to cheating and I remember telling him thank you because I know I wasn't the problem it was you and I left him I soon filed for a divorce and waiting on it to be final

i feel your pain man....

i feel your pain man....

My ex rarely complimented me, rarely if ever had sex with me if I initiated it, he had sexual problems but would not get help even when I was so patient and understanding, he said he loved me every day but he was very controlling in a covert way and I am only just realising how much sex was part of that control now as it is 6 months after we split. It still affects me and I believe that I am too ugly or undesirable to find another man. Don't put up with this treatment it eats away at you

my husband refuses to have sex with me because we broke up for a year and I was with 1 other man, he was with others-multiple. Me=1. Needless to say he wants to get off so oral for him, and I'm supposed to be ok with it, he'll tease me and get me worked up and then nothing for me but pent up frustration and going it alone just isn't the same. I am fed up with the emotional and verbal and now this kind of abuse! I just don't understand, i guess his pride is damaged, but sex is a great way to convey love in a marriage.

Even if she agreed to read this artical, it would just **** her off and id be in a worse place than I was before she read.

Finally!! someone nailed it. It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced and Ive been raped in the past we had such a wonderful relationship and he just stopped 4 years ago:( it breaks my heart I think about it all the time Ive considered cheating which kills me. And he claims to fear God???? I really want to know why so bad he's given all kinds of excuses and got pissed when I bought a vibrator I have no option really he is the breadwinner and we have two kids plus the really hard part is that he means so much to me he's my best friend everything else is great except this! And I want my girls to have a Dad. What scares me is that I get really suicidal sometimes because i miss making love.

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now, and literally do everything for him. He just started work about 2 weeks ago and I drive and pick him up to work every day, and all I ask for is a kiss and a thank you. At first, our sex life was unreal but we didn't "do it" all the time like most new couples. Not for nothing but I am a nursing student, and I know how to talk to people. I noticed that when discussing the issue of sex with my boyfriend I had to walk on eggshells. I mean what guy wants their girlfriend nagging them especially about sex? I always have to walk on eggshells for him. He told me he was just tired from working and what not and I respect that. However, I brought it up a few times after that and he still hasn't even made a move or anything!!!! I'm scared to initiate sex for fear of rejection. When I brought it up again he said that's all I care about and that I was the dumbest person he knows. And said he hates when girls throw themselves at him.... But who the hell else am I supposed to throw myself at? I shouldn't have to get my boyfriend intoxicated to want me. I'm starting to believe that I am unworthy and ugly. The other night I literally put on my favorite dress, and took a bunch of clonidine hoping to not wake up. I have no one to talk to. Please help! Your story was reassuring.Thanks,<br />

"I was the dumbest person he knows. "
That's verbal abuse.
...Forget about the lack of sex for a minute, do you think you deserve to be treated like crap, when you're bending over backwards to be at this guy's beck and call?
...Look, a very wise friend of mine explained to me that our job in relationships is to build each other up. To make each other feel loved, and worthy, and confident, so that together, we're stronger.

"I'm starting to believe that I am unworthy and ugly."
Do you want to stay with someone who makes you feel unworthy and ugly? This problem-that is, him making you feel bad about yourself-is just going to get worse.

Don't put up with him verbally abusing you any more, sweetheart. He's got a problem or two, he needs to deal with that, not put it on you.

...But, you probably won't want to walk away from him on just the say-so of a stranger on the internet.
So do this: Look for abusive and hurtful things he tells you about yourself. Write them down with date and time. Write down how many compliments he gives you, too, in the same way.
Just write it down. This stuff has a way of sliding out of your mind, you see.

Dear Alayna, I am going through the same thing and often feel suicidal. The thoughts that stop me are that I'm scared of the pain of dying and don't want my last memories to be bleeding or being ill and in pain and I want to die happy. I want to leave but often feel too weak and low to get a job and save up the money I need to move out( I suffer from depression, insomnia, panic attacks when I go into busy places). I attempted to slit my wrists about a year ago and nothing's any better since then. However I do feel slightly stronger. My heart goes out to you at this time and I hope you find things other than this man to give fulfillment and joy in life. I will be here for you to talk to!

Someone has finally put it into words of how I feel.

I have been married for 2 years and also second marriage and a kid with him. my husband has lost his libido and he tells me it is my job to make the apt. But then I find out he want to have sex with other men and ****** off of singles site asking for sex also looking at **** all night at work. when I am begging all the time I tell him I want to have fantasies sex durning the weekend i would look at **** and have him tell me what he wants but when the weekend get here turned down again.
I want him to have his libido back but I am afraid that he will act on his desirable of wanting men and that will kill me. I love him very much but I am so afraid of losing him
I just want him to look at me how hard is it to do that I cook clean do laudry take care if the kids so he can sleep because he has a night job but can't he really take time aside to appreciate me to make me feel special.

This is base.
I've been emotionally abused throughout my childhood and adolescence, and I'm now unable to have sex with my boyfriend. I cringe at the thought of it. When I've tried I feel like I'm being sexually abused by a family member. The reason I stay in the relationship is because of him, because I love him and he only wants to be with me. He recently proposed and we are now engaged. I would try to off myself if I he didn't need me to live. Do you reckon I should just do it anyway, to save him the burden of having to live with a monster like me? Seriously... Your rant is so small-minded and obstinate it almost made me want to.

Please DO NOT get married, because you are not able to give what a man needs !!!!!!!!!!
You schuld never marry , because you can not give what a man NEEDS.
My wife refuses me sex for nog more than 5,5 heats and it is absolute HELL for me !!.!.!.!!.!.!...!l!

if you cannot give the same love that your partner needs then you should not get involved with someone who wants a sexual relationship. if you do you are only asking that person to live in your hell.

When a man shuts his wife out...Ignores her when she tries to talk to him about problems they need to resolve...And refuses to meet her emotional needs, that is also abuse. A woman should never give her body to her husband unconditionally. After 21 years of marriage, giving my husband his needs while he refused to meet mine...all I can say is I don't want him to touch me. I am not trying to withhold sex for punishment. I just don't feel any desire for sex with him because I feel like he pushed me away emotionally. Without a feeling of an emotional connection, I feel used. I refuse to live like that anymore.

You have taken an illegal attitude !!!!!!!.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.!!!
You are unfaithfull, and are imposing your will on him !!
you should be paying for all the cost of a divorce !!!!!

Holy crap...I could have written those it is though...I love my husband..he is a phenomenal father and provider..he is a good he really? I am starting to wonder...bu let me ask yo do you put your need of intamacy above your child's need of a stable two parent home?

thats exactly how I feel

I agree with EVERYTHING you have written and, by sheer coincidence, identify with most of it. I thought I was in a loving relationship, a 23+ year marriage where I was the patient husband, always putting the feelings, needs and situations of my spouse ahead of my own. I saw all her avoidance's of intimacy as everything and anything except what is truly was - her calculated plan to refuse and withhold sex, to keep me hanging, to keep me around (and my paycheck and hard work, etc.). I saw it all, but thru rose-colored glasses, never letting my thoughts go that place where my dear, 'loving' wife was superficial & selfish *****, always rationalizes her excuses and actions for her refusals of intimacy in the best light for her.

That was, until this past Christmas. No matter what our situation was, we always made love Christmas Eve, after we had done our Santa routine. In some years, it was our only intimacy (and not for lack of asking and begging on my part). And it was always great and my wife was always passionate, dare I say an animal once we got going. But this year that ended.

I did our Santa bit, our daughters who are grown now (23 &17) fast asleep, and climbed in bed with my wife and let her know that all was done until the morning. She thanked me, and I kissed her softly and snuggled up to her - she said 'NO'! I ask what? She said she didn't feel like sex and she didn't care what day it was. I was kind of dazed and confused.

Christmas Day I asked her about the night before, she said she didn't remember. Now I could feel my blood beginning to boil but calmly asked her again about the night before, did she have any problems with breaking our 26 year tradition? She said she didn't care, it was silly and she wasn't going to have sex unless SHE wanted it. I asked if she knew when the last time we had sex (it was the previous Xmas Eve), she said she didn't care.

That was 3 weeks ago. I have been very quiet over that time, there isn't much to say when you've realized the woman you love, who you thought loved you and you've been together for 28 years is in reality a selfish *****. That notion is always in front of my brain, so engaging in chit-chat is kind of difficult. She, on the other hand, thinks I should get over it and has stopped talking to me which is kind of funny in a sad way.

My relationship has just ended again for the fifth time with the same girl. I love this girl with all my heart, she was my world. In the early days she used to flirt and have intimate conversations with many other men and each time our relationship broke down. In July 2011 it broke down for the forth time and she met and had sex with a stranger from a dating site. After a month or so she came back to me telling me she had made a huge mistake and how sorry she was for everything she had done. Cutting a long story short she convinced me she had changed so I went back to her.

Her ex husband then said he was moving 400 miles away and taking her children with him. We of course had no choice but to follow. We were only in our new place for 6 weeks before she started to doubt if she want to be together or not. We battled on.

She has many emotional problems most of which are about not having full time care of the children. I have alway tried to understand it.

However she never wanted to have sex with me and in ge last 4 months we had sex 3 times. I felt like I was going mad. I now feel completly inecure, worthless and all the other emotions this article explains.

She said she loves me and wishes it had worked but how can I believe that when she has yet again left me wishing I wasn't alive. All she had do was make me feel like I mattered and it could all have been so different.

My husband Ramon Acosta usmc withheld sex from me!! He emotionally abused me! I was blind and believed him for his reasons and no I think back it wasn't me it was his guilt and am glad to be away from a narccistic individual !!

I am a man of 75..still have a healthy libido.
I was married to my first wife very young..and had 2 sons, and gained custody when she met another man.
I met my 2nd wife a few years after the first ended..and she said she loved when I got a council flat it was natural she came too.
From the onset she insisted on her own room, and never wanted to sleep with me or make love.
There were always excuses...'the boys are here'...even when they were absent...when they left home..'I want a house'...we got one...'we're not married'....we married...still nothing....months and months, then years passed...I loved her....took our vows seriously...then it became too late to leave...but then the bombshell.
She was 32 when we met...and recently she told me...she had lived with a guy from India...Colin Grant for 3 years...shared bed and room and had sex 3 times a week with him..but when she met me and my boys thought it would make a nice little family unit for her but she hadn't intended to have a love life!
I could never go through a divorce...she thrived in her profession...getting a headship...while I gave up my music as the place we moved to in Middlesex was a musical desert!
So a big THANKS to Christine Cunninham from NELSON for the 40 plus years of celibacy you gave me, the self confessed idiot who thought your behaviour was perhaps a medical issue.
I am of course going my age where? And why should I?

You coulden't have written that better, it sums up exactly how I am feeling. Untill I found this site and read what you and others have written I felt totally alone and lost. I thought I was the only person who feels as bad as this, I am so sorry for everyone else on here going through this but it is reassuring to know I am not alone.I am 24, and My boyfriend of 7 years left me for another woman and I stupidly took him back a year ago, when we split up he started taking mirtazapine just to get on the sick ( he admits this) and he has come back to me and we have had sex 6 times in a year, all of which I have had to plead for. He hasn't tried anything remotely sexual with me since his return and everytime I try to gently discuss this it results in a row, I made him go to the doctors to rule out anything medical and they found nothing and have told us it is more than likely down to the mirtazapine. (Though he has never had a big sex drive, I could handle it before because it was alot more often.) He promises to stop them but then I find him taking them again.The only thing he seems to get excited about or have any energy for is seeing his mates, an hour from where we live, he has the energy for this but why not for me?I am heartbroken. I have tried everything, herbal and prescription medicines, sexy outfits, asking him how I could please him, I am open to anything but he will not listen. The excuses are all the same, too tired, just doesn't feel like it etc, what bothers me the most is his unwillingness to discuss it and it results in a row everytime. I am attractive and loving, a nice person etc, I don't know what to do, please helpxx

So here it is ok to cry after 12 years, thank you.

Thank you for giving me a perspective in my failing relationship. I tried everything communicating, asking for therapy, initiating sex. He always made me feel awful like I was some sort of pervert.
The excuses were "I am tired, sleepy, stressed, headaches. We were intimated 7 times in two years!
I became pregnant the last time we were together. He won't hold me or touch me because I am pregnant. I feel so alone, unwanted, unloved and can't handled the fact that he masturbates while he withholds love and intimacy.
After reading your page I realized it is abuse! I can not deal with it any longer. I want to separate while I still have some part of me that loves me left!

I am right where you are!!! my daughter is 2 now and I have an 8 year old from previous relationship. my husband refused to touch me and told me my body parts were ugly (while I was 8 months preggo) he laughed even when I tried to dress sexy. laughed out loud. I am dependant on him as a provider and we are great friends but when it comes to sex he is too tired, not in the mood, or just flat out says no. we have sex maybe 5 times a year and he can never even look at me when we do. that only makes me feel worse. I have become bitter and angry and probably insane by now. I have started yelling aty the children and my desire to even lift my head off the pillow is gone. I told him I need sex and he told me im a spoiled, selfish little girl who uses my parents and him. why my parents came into the argument is part of his crazy ways of manipulating me into thinking its my fault. I keep asking myself if I really am because I want to leave and tear apart this otherwise happy home. but is it really happy???? no?! im his maid, his mother and his friend. I clean for him and wash his clothes and look pretty when we go to his work functions where I have to sit with all the Army wives talking about how their men wont leave them alone and I have to pretend I know what that's like. I wish I could feel that. I wish I was walking around still feeling him inside me. that is long gone and I am some how the freak for wanting it.