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Refusing Sex = Emotional Abuse

Withholding sex in a "loving" relationship is Emotional Abuse. Denying one's partner the bond which cultivates closeness and intimacy with them is Emotional Abuse. Whether their refusal is due to mental illness, passive/aggressive anger or control issues or an underlying reason that even they are not aware of, the act of not even trying to right this wrong is Emotional Abuse. Sex is the glue which holds a relationship/marriage together. It is supposed to be the one thing which separates a couple from just being friends or just being roommates. Denying one's partner sex and sexual intimacy is abuse because it makes their partner feel unwanted, undesired, unworthy, unattractive, unhappy and unfulfilled. It is NOT FAIR. It is NOT WHAT YOU HAD SIGNED UP FOR. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If the refuser doesn't try to deal with their reason for inflicting this devastating blow to their partner's psyche, self-esteem and sense of self-worth, then it is just plain CRUEL and SELFISH. It may make their partner question their self-worth, it may cause depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, lessen their ability to think rationally, create a sense of hopelessness and cause them constant worry. It is crippling. It is emotionally painful.  It indeed hurts.  It drains one's energy, makes them feel like they're fighting a losing battle, and makes them question their own sanity. Again, it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. There has to be a reason; the refused did not cause this.  Even if they did, they cannot begin to right the situation if the refuser refuses to even discuss the matter. The refuser withholds sex and that is not fair and is wrong, very wrong. If they have a problem, whether it be a mental or physical issue or personal reason, they should own up to it and try to get it out and into the open. Not discussing the problem only makes it fester and causes additional problems. I realize and appreciate that every relationship is different and has its own dynamics, but one thing which is very real is that denying one's self and their loved one the pleasure, passion, joy and emotional fulfillment of sexual intimacy is indeed a form of Emotional Abuse and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Good luck to anyone who is in a sexless relationship/marriage.  From my experience, I believe that one can give and give and try to make it work out but it's a no-win situation since there is only one partner who is trying.  Eventually one realizes that there is nothing left to give and nothing left to compromise; they have given all that they are capable of and have already compromised themselves too much.  If one realizes this and sees the situation for what it truly is, they will feel it in their gut, they will know that enough is enough and they will hopefully get the heck out and move on with THEIR LIFE while they still have love for their self.  Sexless Marriage truly sucks.  The emotional abuse truly hurts. Thankfully there are lots of folks on this forum, like me, who have made it to the other side and are living happy and healthy sex lives filled with joy, tenderness and respect.  We've been where you are.  We understand your pain and frustration.  You are not alone.  Good luck to anyone who has experienced or is currently living in this situation.  I hope that things will get better, but if they don't, I hope you will find the courage and inner strength to take care of your self.  Life is way too short to settle for less. 
ISELFLOVE ISELFLOVE 41-45, F 129 Responses Jul 22, 2010

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I am a man of 75..still have a healthy libido.
I was married to my first wife very young..and had 2 sons, and gained custody when she met another man.
I met my 2nd wife a few years after the first ended..and she said she loved me...so when I got a council flat it was natural she came too.
From the onset she insisted on her own room, and never wanted to sleep with me or make love.
There were always excuses...'the boys are here'...even when they were absent...when they left home..'I want a house'...we got one...'we're not married'....we married...still nothing....months and months, then years passed...I loved her....took our vows seriously...then it became too late to leave...but then the bombshell.
She was 28...me 32 when we met...and recently she told me...she had lived with a guy from India...Colin Grant for 3 years...shared bed and room and had sex 3 times a week with him..but when she met me and my boys thought it would make a nice little family unit for her but she hadn't intended to have a love life!
I could never go through a divorce...she thrived in her profession...getting a headship...while I gave up my music as the place we moved to in Middlesex was a musical desert!
So a big THANKS to Christine Cunninham from NELSON for the 40 plus years of celibacy you gave me, the self confessed idiot who thought your behaviour was perhaps a medical issue.
I am of course going nowhere...at my age where? And why should I?

You coulden't have written that better, it sums up exactly how I am feeling. Untill I found this site and read what you and others have written I felt totally alone and lost. I thought I was the only person who feels as bad as this, I am so sorry for everyone else on here going through this but it is reassuring to know I am not alone.I am 24, and My boyfriend of 7 years left me for another woman and I stupidly took him back a year ago, when we split up he started taking mirtazapine just to get on the sick ( he admits this) and he has come back to me and we have had sex 6 times in a year, all of which I have had to plead for. He hasn't tried anything remotely sexual with me since his return and everytime I try to gently discuss this it results in a row, I made him go to the doctors to rule out anything medical and they found nothing and have told us it is more than likely down to the mirtazapine. (Though he has never had a big sex drive, I could handle it before because it was alot more often.) He promises to stop them but then I find him taking them again.The only thing he seems to get excited about or have any energy for is seeing his mates, an hour from where we live, he has the energy for this but why not for me?I am heartbroken. I have tried everything, herbal and prescription medicines, sexy outfits, asking him how I could please him, I am open to anything but he will not listen. The excuses are all the same, too tired, just doesn't feel like it etc, what bothers me the most is his unwillingness to discuss it and it results in a row everytime. I am attractive and loving, a nice person etc, I don't know what to do, please helpxx

So here it is ok to cry after 12 years, thank you.

Thank you for giving me a perspective in my failing relationship. I tried everything communicating, asking for therapy, initiating sex. He always made me feel awful like I was some sort of pervert.
The excuses were "I am tired, sleepy, stressed, headaches. We were intimated 7 times in two years!
I became pregnant the last time we were together. He won't hold me or touch me because I am pregnant. I feel so alone, unwanted, unloved and can't handled the fact that he masturbates while he withholds love and intimacy.
After reading your page I realized it is abuse! I can not deal with it any longer. I want to separate while I still have some part of me that loves me left!

I am right where you are!!! my daughter is 2 now and I have an 8 year old from previous relationship. my husband refused to touch me and told me my body parts were ugly (while I was 8 months preggo) he laughed even when I tried to dress sexy. laughed out loud. I am dependant on him as a provider and we are great friends but when it comes to sex he is too tired, not in the mood, or just flat out says no. we have sex maybe 5 times a year and he can never even look at me when we do. that only makes me feel worse. I have become bitter and angry and probably insane by now. I have started yelling aty the children and my desire to even lift my head off the pillow is gone. I told him I need sex and he told me im a spoiled, selfish little girl who uses my parents and him. why my parents came into the argument is part of his crazy ways of manipulating me into thinking its my fault. I keep asking myself if I really am because I want to leave and tear apart this otherwise happy home. but is it really happy???? no?! im his maid, his mother and his friend. I clean for him and wash his clothes and look pretty when we go to his work functions where I have to sit with all the Army wives talking about how their men wont leave them alone and I have to pretend I know what that's like. I wish I could feel that. I wish I was walking around still feeling him inside me. that is long gone and I am some how the freak for wanting it.

It just hurts so much. I blame myself and have torn apart every aspect of my life trying to find where I have the problem. I have spent countless nights crying. I have torn myself down. The feelings of being unattractive and rejected by the person I love the most in the world are consuming me. It's such a dark, dark place to be living.

THAAAAANK YOOOOUUUUU!!!! I've tried to be the best husband, father and provider I can be but LO!!! I am a Kenyan male 32 years of age. I met my wife 4 years ago to this date, we soon got married and settled down, she had a daughter so I have taken her to be my daughter. We have a two year old son together, light of my life. Last year Oct, we went through a financial crisis and lost our home, by May this year I had to move into my parents with my son and she moved with our friends, a married couple with a daughter the same age as our son. From Dec last year our intimacy was very corroded. When we lived separately, she had gotten to the point of disrespecting me even among our friends. We got a place end of July and she promised things would get better. As I write this I'm done being in this situation. Last night I came home from a hard day, my only client threatened to fire me (our intimacy issues are now starting to interfere with work), some pending payments taking long, and a friend of mine committed suicide leaving a son my son's age and a wife (got me thinking), I try to tell her about my day and she runs off to catch her favorite soap drama on tv... I'm DONE!!! This is unacceptable if anything, for my son's sake. I AM RECLAIMING WHO I AM AND WHAT I ALLOWED HER TO TAKE FROM ME!!!

Blessings for this post and all your shares.

I've never been into a relation and still virgin. Having Read this, i'll make a point in my relation to fulfil each other's sexual and emotional needs wen i'd be in one. :P. But as far as i know, if two gay men are boyfriends, they rarely have to encounter a sexless relation. Lol.

I am in this situation now. It totally sucks. She refuses to even talk about it. 4th year of marriage, 9th year of relationship. She cant even look at me when we talk about it. So sad.

My former husband used to stare at either the floor or at the ceiling whenever I would initiate a discussion on our sexless marriage so I know what you mean.

You need to ask yourself how much longer you are willing to accept this unacceptable, selfish, immature and irresponsible behaviour from her.

You say that she refuses to discuss it. Are your feelings not important to her? Are you not important to her? Is saving her marriage important? If so, she needs to emotionally engage with you...for your sake and for the sake of your marriage. It cannot go on like this forever...it will get worse if the issue(s) are not discussed. Good luck.

Hi, thank you. We fought for three straight days about it. I persisted and gave her an ultimatum. Either communicate with me or leave my life. She refused to share her emotions with me and said she didn't wanna talk about "us" anymore. She laid all of the blame on me for being "mean" and refused to accept any responsibility at all for our problems even after I admitted that I have issues and apologized for my own behavior. As normal, she did not apologize to me. Sunday, in the middle of a family crisis, she decided to go to her parents. I texted her because something felt funny. I asked if she was coming back and she said "I dunno, you've hurt me so much these past 3 days." So I filed for divorce Monday morning. While I feel that I have been ripped apart, I know this is the best thing for me. My house is a complete mess, I am about to finish my masters' degree, and I have to teach night classes. I am emotionally unstable, but heading down the right path on my own. In spite of these feelings, which are nearly more than I can bare, I will never go back because I decided that being alone is better than being with someone who does not care about me. The sex stopped about 2 years ago --slowed down to about 5 times a year. She said there were medical issues, but refused to go to a doctor. No love or affection for so long. no soft kisses, no cuddles, nothing. She turned around in bed about 1.5 years ago and Ive been sleeping with her feet ever since, until now. I am 39, feel old and depressed, and feel I have lost something even though in the end I know I will gain my dignity and self-respect. She made me feel like a pervert for wanting intimacy and belittled my attempts to share my emotions with her. I feel sick. I hope that time goes by quickly and heals my broken heart. This is so weird because its like I watched from outside myself as I ended my marriage, which at first seemed it would last a lifetime.

Hi, I am going through exactly the same and feel exactly the same as you and I just wanted to say, thankyou for giving me hope that I could leave too, and find another road to this hellish one, also, 39 isn't old your still young and atleast you haven't made this beak in your sixtees or seventees x

sorry to hear that it happend to me for almost a year n on thanksgiving he admited to cheating. He hurt me so badly but am divorcing him. I hope one day he regrets it and love ***** him!! Don't let anyone hurt you put a stop to it ASAP!

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I just saw a funny joke and wrote a response to it that may sum some of this up. Jokes are often funny because they contain large kernels of painful truth.

Pills,
The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection .
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm looking for a place to live, can you help me?

Could this be a possible follow-up for this story (or as Paul Harvey would say “The Rest of the Story”) and the relocation help you requested?

I don’t understand why in the world she would have a problem with this response. After all, she should understand that it’s tough for most guys to get excited about a woman who deliberately, systematically turns herself into a 250# +++ cow. This will be especially true if she was dead from the neck down for weeks, months or even years at a time when she was only 130# and hot stuff. All things considered, how can she expect instant attention and response after she doled out years worth of rejection and piled on the pounds to make sure he left her alone? She shouldn’t be surprised, this is a perfectly predictable ending to the story and ultimately the one she wanted.

Maybe you should give her this before your relocation.

To Brightonion

Walk away while you still can. Before I married my wife she asked me to wait until the wedding night so that it was special - even though we had both had prior relationships. I made the mistake of agreeing and have now endured a virtually sexless marriage for more than 28 years. I can tell you people don’t change. If you man does not want sex now he almost certainly never will and the OP is spot on with how it feels.

I am now more and more thinking that in my 50's it is now or never for me - but it is scary leaving a marriage that has lasted so long - despite the unending pain.

I divorced in my mid forties and despite the emotional and severe financial tolls it took on me, I can honestly say that I have never been happier than I am right now.

It takes time away from a sexless marriage to fully digest just how dysfunctional it really was. One knows it's bad when they're actually in it, but physical distance and the gift of time give major insight into just how wrong/unacceptable it really was.

Good luck to you wherever your journey takes you. 28 years? And you're only in your 50's? With all due respect, don't you think you owe it to yourself to actually enjoy YOUR life at some point? That may sound disrespectful, but I ask it earnestly.

I completely relate to this...sadly. I am in a relationship with a devoted, kind, funny and apparently normal kind of guy. Except we only have sex maybe once or twice a year. He doesn't compliment me on my looks, hardly holds my hands or initiates hugs or any form of physical closeness. He gives all kinds of reasons (e.g. tired, stress, we don't live together etc).<br />
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I am afraid cos we are talking about marriage and I love him very much but it would kill me if I went into this and realise I made a mistake. He assures me that things will change once we get our own place but my self esteem, confidence and self worth has been taking quite a blow. Should I trust him and take a chance? Or walk away when I've invested 5 years of time and effort into this relationship? Everything is great EXCEPT for this heart breaking fact.

Walk. Away.

Don't just walk away; RUN GIRL RUN! RUN, just as fast and far as you can as if you were on fire! I have spent 37 years in a marriage with one that is much as the one you describe. Promises, excuses, in 37 years there isn't an excuse or reason I haven't heard. What you will find is there will always be a reason for a cold dead fish being cold and dead. At this point you are only out 5 years. Consider yourself lucky that you aren't out 30 or 40 years. I just wish I had known before saying "I DO" what I know now. If I had, "I Do" would have been "Like Hell I will"!

I am in an almost similar situation. My heart breaks for you because only someone that has been in this situation knows the pain that you are enduring.

I was in a similar situation and I married him. He was the most wonderful guy I'd ever met, and although our physical relationship was not great I felt that it didn't matter because everything else about him was so wonderful. We have had sex about 5 times since we married nearly 3 years ago. When we talk about it it ends up in an argument, and he can't explain what the problem is, apart from the stress, tiredness, the kids. We have 3 kids between us. He criticizes my son, and from almost day one he stopped paying me any compliments. If I did something for him, he would point out the one thing I did wrong. He now says its because he thought I would leave him - but why would he think that as soon as we got married? He is not abusive like the other people mentioned here, he doesnt insult me, and he is making some changes which make me believe he may be able to change. But I'm not sure...

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Omg I feel like I could have written this so many if the things it says I have felt in my gut and have verbalized thank you so much for writing this it vindicated me

To All:<br />
I would just like to thank everyone who has posted on behalf of, ISELFLOVE. I just wanted to tell my story for all to see. I am the former husband to the poster, "glitterinmyveins". I'm sure you all remember her. Reference: (Oct. 4, 2010) <br />
I am a former Marine. I was married to, we'll call her gliter, for 5 years. In the begining everything was great. Life, love, and intimacy was great. I was deployed with the Marine Corps in 2005. Soon after I had discovered, through my sister, that my wife had moved in with another guy. After receiving this information I stopped sending money to her. This woman thought enough of herself to write our congresswoman a letter stating that I was not supporting her. The result was our congresswoman, "Missouri", calling my commanding officer to relay the message that I had to start sending her money again. I was irate. Not only was my wife living with another man, but I had to pay their bills too. Some time after returning home from the Marine Corps I began to persue my degree. She called me one day and ask me to have dinner. Against my better judgement I went; thus began a new relationship. Despite our past I decided to give it an honest shot. Our relationship was good once again. Time had past and she became more distant. She began to refuse any and all intimacy. This refusal, over time, cause additional problems within our relationship. I compromised myself in anyway possible to make her happy, thinking it woud make a difference. I had lost my sense of self-worth and knew that the problem was me. I tried to talk to her to, "get things in the open". I even went as far as to suggesting journals for when we had arguements. Instead of fighting we would write our disagreement in a journal and give it to the other person. I thought this would allow each side to better understand the others point-of-view. This lasted all of two days. I began to seek assistance in other places, which led me to this forum. Reading what everyone had to say and the logic behind it gave me a second wind. I decided to show her what ISELFLOVE had suggested. As you may have read already, she did not agree. I thank all who explained to her the simple logic. It was quite amusing to see her eat her own words. I just wanted to encourage everyone who is being, "dragged through the mudd". There is life on the otherside. I am now free of the neglect and you can be too. I am now in a great relationship with someone who is able to treat me in a fashion that I deserve. It's been a little over a year since this forum gave me the will to do what needed to be done. I should have realized much earlier, but after her post I realized the kind of person she was. I realized that my feelings for her were just that, "Mine". I am able to do with them as I please. So, I decided to give them to someone else. I am now in a caring relationship with someone who returns the intimacy, respect, and work. Every relationship takes work. I'm just glad I have finally found someone to share the load.

Well This is crazy I would suppose there is more men going through this. I am actually a woman 40 and married, SEX was great in the beginning when we were in our 20 even up to may be 30's that I recall. But ever since we bought a house in 2006 Sex is not that great , and guess what we have no children so that even sucks for me because everyone around me has had them .Everything came late in our lives while others got married and divorced with or without kids. I married at 32 years old got my house at 34 I have traveled, I even got oprated because I had fybroids when I was 37 to discover that thats why I was not getting pregnant. Oh Well, To give you a great example I have been documenting my dates of when I have sex So we had sex sometime in February and not until just recent May 13th, 2012. Tis is not normal. I do not consider myself a bad looking and still haver a decent body, I have to admit Im sexy , buy this is REALLY not normal how can a 41 man not desire his wife, funny thing I know he has no one else Hes with me .He actually smokes, drinks and a little overweight could that be the problem he is tired, as I am writing this post he is laying down, watching tv supposedly but I hear him snoring, He uses the excuse that I was a B____h today and using it as a mean of punishment. I have tried to converse with him but he makes me feel like Im wrong , and I told him analyze yourself and your rejections towards me and hes like yeah whatever. Please help me Thank you and sorry for venting because this has been going like this way too many times and rejection sucks

Every so often when I question if I have made a right decision as to whether or not I made the right decision about getting out of my own SM. I come read this. Just the medicine I need. Tanks :-)

I have been in a previous relationship that was sexless and robbed me of my self esteem. Now I thought I was involved with a good guy but it turns out he is much like the other one bahhh sick of ******** pretending to be good people.

You are fantastically correct in this. I was just telling an EP friend of mine that I think by refusing sex, W is in a way abusing me. It's been going on for 15 months and counting, and this is the second time this marriage has gone SM. The first time was almost 2 years. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Call me stupid for staying, but my two adorable kids are the one reason why I am here. Thanks for verbalizing what I have been thinking.

i just read this and i sill make excuses. I'm married 19 years. we have a child that I could never walk away from. Oh we do have sex once a month, but I feel like she's only doing it because she has to. She would never ask or even come over to kiss me other than to say hi or bye. Never any contact by her in a sexual way. As if its dirty or something. She wasn't like this before. I don't know when it started. I'm just tired of that alone feeling. I need to be held, loved and touched in that way only your lover can. It's been at least 10 years since my wife touched me that way. I still have not gone behind her back. But that will change soon.

damn...publish this so I can tape it on her pillow....feaking yes...it is abuse. Thanks for expressing it so well.

Like many of the previous posters here, I want to thank you for opening this discussion. I find that virtually 99% of all books, websites, advice forums, etc. advocate staying married - regardless of the situation (unless there's physical abuse involved). And they almost always assume the unhappy partner hasn't spent a significant amount of time and effort into trying to improve/save the marriage.<br />
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What they all fail to recognize is that (a) it takes two people really trying to make it work, (b) usually the one who hasn't been trying only starts doing so when it's too late - and only because they don't want a divorce (for financial, religious, or social reasons, mostly), and (c) sex and physical affection are absolutely an integral part of love if both parties are relatively healthy. I fail to understand the huge disconnect between sex and love in these people's minds - it is almost as if they feel like sex is somehow dirty and/or "just physical" and therefore less important. Sex is NOT just physical (although it can be) - it is the way our bodies are designed to express the deepest admiration and love for someone.<br />
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It's also disturbing how the "denying" or abusive/selfish/ungiving spouse ends up somehow on the moral high ground and gets to play the martyr role. And yes - this is usually the wife, but not always. I also find it equally disturbing that we have become a society of cowards, too easily shamed into saying what is true because it doesn't fit into the "moral" majority. As far as I'm concerned it is immoral to expect a person to stay married when the their partner for years refuses to work on the marriage (including sex). It is immoral to use "ethics" or religion to subjugate anyone to this existence. Men, women, society, and the courts need to make divorce acceptable and even recommended IF real effort has been made to make the relationship work and it doesn't.

Thank you for this post i am living with the sitution right now you made me feel as if i am not alone you clarified my thought of divorcing him and i am going to because i cannot live this way anymore you are right on when you say that divorce is the only answer one just cant try by themselves it is a no win contest thank you again.

Quietman, you're absolutely right. Our feminized society has the playing field necessary for compromise tilted against men. I haven't had sex in almost a year and a half. It's always my inability to fulfill her emotional needs. Whenever I bring it up, I'm to blame. If I leave, she keeps the kids, and needs the house because of it. She doesn't work, and despite rising costs to raise kids she's made no attempt to find employment. <br />
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The kids are older now, she doesn't need to be in the home all the time. She refuses to move or take any measures to reduce living costs. We both have MBAs and she once had a career. Why should I, or any husband, carry the entire burden to keep the family financially stable, try to figure out his wife's vague emotional needs, and in the process suffer celibacy?<br />
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Certainly my comments could hold for any woman in a similar situation. But it's a more common situation for men. Women are liberated to control their bodies. Men have to take it without complaint or be labeled a sexual predator.

The irony in not telling the refused marriage partner the reason(s) for the unwillingness to make love is that the refuser will often tell a close friend or, ( God forbid ) someone that they ARE physically involved outside the relationship, the exact reason(s) for the denial of relations with their significant other.<br />
For those stating the sex is not important in a marriage, thats what sex was made for; the context of marriage. How could something God made for marriage not be important?

My wife stopped having sex and sleeps on the couch. She gets a disgusting look when ever I mention sex. It seems a burden to her when I ask for a hug , she just pats me on the back. Married 9 years 59 years old. I am totally beside myself and feel rejected and used. I work in her business 10 hours a day 7 days a week without pay. What a fool.

My wife stopped having sex and sleeps on the couch. She gets a disgusting look when ever I mention sex. It seems a burden to her when I ask for a hug , she just pats me on the back. Married 9 years 59 years old. I am totally beside myself and feel rejected and used. I work in her business 10 hours a day 7 days a week without pay. What a fool.

OMG you just wrote about my life. Whilst I have been trying to maintain honour (his and mine) I have been in denial about the fact that is IS emtional abuse. Your words are so clear and true I can't deny them (to myself) because underneath the everyday struggle those are the feelings I've been experiencing. Your words give me courage to go on believing I can make it out of this. Tentative exit plan in place- scared to death, but must keep trying. I hope I reach the other side as you have and find the life I know I should be experiencing with or without a future man. Because it surely can't be any lonlier and exhausting than it is right now.

very very well said and oh so true, I too have written a non blaming love letter to my hubby and have had no response, have tried talking and all I get is your ******* me off, so now I will use your letter as a guideline to my next and final letter to him, hopefully this will help him see the light in what is happening in our relationship..thank you so much for inspiring us all

SO... what do we do, as a female, in the meantime?? Stick around for the kids sake? Yes, at this point, we are simply roomates...

What about emotional, verbal and physical abuse as a reason for just not wanting sex with the person. I want sex, but I don't want to have it with someone who constantly criticizes and complains, a person who doesn't want to offer the type of intimacy needed to invoke the desire to be sexual with one's spouse. Talk about a mood killer....Real love is about acceptance; it is unconditional and giving, being kind, thoughtful, considerate. If you don't have that much, then it ain't love, it's just sex.

Dear bambootree...<br />
I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you, and the added pressure of him ultimately being alone and in a nursing facility is understandable. That's not your problem but I understand that you have your own views about it. But I'd like to offer you some advice...<br />
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You say that he is impotent, but how come he's not interested whatsoever in bringing you any type of sexual closeness other than intercourse? Does he feel so ashamed or so worthless that he cannot bring himself to bring you any type of pleasure? This is not normal. Impotency, yes, that is normal. No outward ex<x>pression, no affection, no other source of sexual pleasure? That is not normal. There are soooo many other things he can do to satisfy you...he can rock your world if he only tried. What's holding him back? Perhaps you need to actually SHOW him what you'd like. Geez...if you tell him exactly how to please you and then he still does not do it, then where is YOUR quality of life? Neither of you are bed-ridden in a nursing home yet...isn't there something both of you can do to bring back the intimacy? This is said, of course, unless he is a genuine refuser.<br />
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Good luck to you both. And thank you for reading my stories/comments.

It's very interesting to read "Iselflove" writing and opposite comments too.<br />
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I wish I could email Iselflove's writing to my husband who not only refused initimacy with me but scolded me whenever i initiated intimacy.<br />
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The problem is what is the result of sending him all these words? I know for sure that nothing will change or happen. His impotency is caused by illness, nothing much he can do about it. We dicussed about our sexless marrigage many times and we agreed that we can have "alternative sex" instead of traditional intercourse. However he never did that, he rather completely ignore anything to do with intimacy. The fact that made me angry with him is he didn't try anything and doesn't care my feeling. I can't imagine how a person can be so cruel???<br />
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We don't have children together. I am not leaving him because he will end up in nursing home and die alone if I am not there with him.