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Refusing Sex = Emotional Abuse

Withholding sex in a "loving" relationship is Emotional Abuse. Denying one's partner the bond which cultivates closeness and intimacy with them is Emotional Abuse. Whether their refusal is due to mental illness, passive/aggressive anger or control issues or an underlying reason that even they are not aware of, the act of not even trying to right this wrong is Emotional Abuse. Sex is the glue which holds a relationship/marriage together. It is supposed to be the one thing which separates a couple from just being friends or just being roommates. Denying one's partner sex and sexual intimacy is abuse because it makes their partner feel unwanted, undesired, unworthy, unattractive, unhappy and unfulfilled. It is NOT FAIR. It is NOT WHAT YOU HAD SIGNED UP FOR. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If the refuser doesn't try to deal with their reason for inflicting this devastating blow to their partner's psyche, self-esteem and sense of self-worth, then it is just plain CRUEL and SELFISH. It may make their partner question their self-worth, it may cause depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, lessen their ability to think rationally, create a sense of hopelessness and cause them constant worry. It is crippling. It is emotionally painful.  It indeed hurts.  It drains one's energy, makes them feel like they're fighting a losing battle, and makes them question their own sanity. Again, it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. There has to be a reason; the refused did not cause this.  Even if they did, they cannot begin to right the situation if the refuser refuses to even discuss the matter. The refuser withholds sex and that is not fair and is wrong, very wrong. If they have a problem, whether it be a mental or physical issue or personal reason, they should own up to it and try to get it out and into the open. Not discussing the problem only makes it fester and causes additional problems. I realize and appreciate that every relationship is different and has its own dynamics, but one thing which is very real is that denying one's self and their loved one the pleasure, passion, joy and emotional fulfillment of sexual intimacy is indeed a form of Emotional Abuse and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Good luck to anyone who is in a sexless relationship/marriage.  From my experience, I believe that one can give and give and try to make it work out but it's a no-win situation since there is only one partner who is trying.  Eventually one realizes that there is nothing left to give and nothing left to compromise; they have given all that they are capable of and have already compromised themselves too much.  If one realizes this and sees the situation for what it truly is, they will feel it in their gut, they will know that enough is enough and they will hopefully get the heck out and move on with THEIR LIFE while they still have love for their self.  Sexless Marriage truly sucks.  The emotional abuse truly hurts. Thankfully there are lots of folks on this forum, like me, who have made it to the other side and are living happy and healthy sex lives filled with joy, tenderness and respect.  We've been where you are.  We understand your pain and frustration.  You are not alone.  Good luck to anyone who has experienced or is currently living in this situation.  I hope that things will get better, but if they don't, I hope you will find the courage and inner strength to take care of your self.  Life is way too short to settle for less. 
ISELFLOVE ISELFLOVE 41-45, F 158 Responses Jul 22, 2010

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Thank you so much for your enlightenment on this subject. I have been I have been in this type of relationship for 6 years & its time for me to move on with my life

I was in a sexless relationship too... I decided that the only solution was to exit the marriage. It was the right choice for me. Pls take a look at my profile, and then consider adding me to your circle. Thx.

I forced my husband to be sexless for a very long time. He was not given many options in his life either. Last Year he became very tired of the situation and decided one evening it was going to be his way, I was supposed to do a favor for his father and go with someone to a political funding dinner, but before I was pick up my husband said said he was owed 31 years.. He did not give me a choice, I am not refusing him any more but I am finding out what his father meant all those years ago. My husband has become extremely violent in the protection of his rights, If I refuse or try to go out with others he insists on being at my side, I say its none of your business he says. IT IS HIS BUISNESS IF I AM UNDER HIS ROOF. If he is backed off by force he shows up and does not give anyone a chance to defend themselves. He tears into them, that is what happened Saturday, His father wanted him and several of his friends to have a private conversation with me about how to get my husband to be coopertative on Labor day, They threatened him with a pair of unloaded pistols to let me go with them, He showed up where we were talking and without warning waded into everyone with his cane swinging. These were the eight and ninth men he hurt bad in the last 14 years, he always has proof that others start the dustup. But it is getting intolerable for everyone to tell him something in his home is none of his business and he makes it his business, any one with the slightest manners if they are told even in their own home that they are not welcome usually would step out, but not my husband. If I say no to sex as a punishment now he takes me and pushes me out the door. It would not matter if I was without a stich on, He says, I don't have a say in it any longer. he says I don't have a right to ask him to leave his house any more, He tells his own father to get out of his life. and enforces his will by being physical.
I am majorly confused. The police wont do anything because my husband is now recording everything except the bathrooms and the bedroom. He has no trust that anyone might be trying to help him. How violent can a man become in the protection of his rights, Can he allow himself to be so callous he cares nothing that others might need some thing that might require him to just go away for several hours that he just makes life hell.
My mother and his mother are both standing behind my husband. We did keep him from his rights for three decades, But is that an excuse after so many years to destroy what is expected of him now.

I guess my wife did not notice I was still signed in. What she says above is true I don't trust any one is doing things for my own self worth. I don't care that somebody just went through a nasty divorce, Its not my need to be nice to them by letting my wife go and console him. If he wants sympathy he can wright on here. Usually a man that has been married three or four times is a man I consider to be without morals. In a way I think I might be lucky that the state wont allow a divorce. I have a wider decision making latitude now. Yeah I know that I am leaving jerks bleeding and broken. Making people of influence and power angry that I hold them to the same standard I was held to. But the application of pain is a real function for a rebel. If you make them hurt enough they either go completely of their gimbal and start banging on the wall. Or they learn, they wont be an influence any longer.
I received pain at their hands for so long that might be all I know about now. I don't care what is expected of me, I expect that there are some very witless people now. My bi polar wife is about to go back to a mental ward. She keeps trying to go off her meds, my father thinks he is going to make me feel bad because he is having chest pains. I say just go to ER. My mother is actually laughing, she says I am showing these AHs that their little theory of if you hold someone down they will become slobbering idiots, So plyable that they would do anything to please, Well I am SO FREAKING SORRY, It did not happen You weren't able to teach me, Guess I have a rock hard head.
I just wonder how far people will go to please others?

It's quite hard to follow the story.. So your wife interrupted all sexual contact for a very long period of time. And your response is violence towards her and everyone that surrounds you.

Why are you still together? neither of you has to stay in a marriage that doesn't fulfill you - it's obvious that there aren't many feelings left between the two of you. You can always start over.. and it can be wonderful again, you can meet someone that will love you the way you've always wanted to be loved.

No matter how damaged the relationship is, it's always extremely difficult to let go,I never could explain why.. The moment people reach the point when they've had enough and should just move on, it seems they become suddenly frozen in the situation for far too long.

Remember you don't own anyone, you can't make rules for others - if you're stubborn and still decide to, jokes' still on you - some will obey, but they will lose all respect for you.. Suddenly you're just sad, lonely and surrounded by people that don't like you. And because mothers / church or whatever, you'll feel like you can't break the cycle.

The only responsibility you have is to yourself - you weren't born on this planet to please your wife/husband or your mother in law. How ******* ironic would that be? "Here, there's an opportunity for you to experience the miracle of life, but make sure you obey whatever delusional rules society /church/ mother imposes on you, so you can end up a sad sad man that was given the chance to be happy and make his own choices but didn't, cause momma know better.."

You need to make sure you're happy, otherwise you've wasted all this time for nothing. if you don't like where you are at this point in your life, start again. let go and start again, it's that simple.

But always be a decent person, don't do harm and don't decline other people of their own happiness.

PS1: the wife said something about you not doing "what is expected of you". nothing is expected from either of you.. who taught you that? I will no do something that makes me unhappy because other people "expect" me to.. You really need to sit down with the wife and discuss things - if neither of you is happy, part ways and that's it. If you decide it's worth saving the relationship, it has to be mutual. Otherwise no matter what you do it won't work.

Even if you have kids, that's not a reason to spend your life together feeling sad, like you've missed all the wonderful things this world has promised but has never delivered for you. Everything is an experience and kids learn from experiences. If you know how to manage the breakup the kids will be fine.

Why would you stay in an unhappy marriage because you can't get a divorce? How is that a problem? You need to realize there are actual people in this world that ARE happy. They're happy, they're in love and they're not letting other people tell them how they should live their lives or what is "expected of them".

We all learn how to make compromises in life, but never compromise your entire life.

PS2: I reread your wife's comment - you really can't force someone to love you, no matter how hard you try. What's even worse is that you're probably making all these efforts to make sure she'd not "distracted" but most likely you stopped loving her a long time ago.

Also, maybe momma bears should mind their own business :)

Try to take the good out of what I wrote and try to make some changes so can be happy as a person. Both of you.

With respect,

O

My wife did not interrupt a sex life she stopped it for decades. It was for the stupid ideas my father spouted, and yes I am required by the state to stay in the marriage, A guardianship was issued a week after I got out of the Navy, I was not asked I was told because she is a sever bi polar I had to take it. I have tried for a divorce twice and the petition was denied, mostly because I could not raise the money for her permanent care. I cant raise the money for my appeal. so I am stuck in this marriage.
Most of the denial was about keeping control of what I did at work, If I used the rights my seniority would have allowed I was always interfering in some ones life, causing a friend of my fathers or their kid to be doing something I earned my way out of. If I wanted to take a holiday or weekend off, my father and wife thought I needed to consider what everyone around me had plans for, I was not allowed to consider anything for myself. After the only six days off I had in 31 years it happened in July 2001, when I threw up and collapsed at my supervisors feet, then had a hole drilled to the center of my head I knew the amount of consideration others were willing to give me, my wife let my father and three coworkers in to yank me out of bed. My father said his absence is causing havoc at work. he can recover standing up as well as being lazy. I was supposed to be off 60 days. but that afternoon I was standing working, that was the only six days off I saw in 31 years. I saw a chance a month later when the job bid for the new plant went up. I had 23 years seniority at this time, I was sick of second shift I was sick of working 12 hours a day on the dirtiest job in the plant in 125 degree heats. So being the jerk I am I thought Carpe Dium seize the day. Put my 23 years on the bid, the other bidder was the son of a county commissioner, He had eight years, my father spent the next week yelling at me how a political figure like his friend needed family to have certain shifts so they could appear in public together, that was not changing my mind I did not work for the county, my wife promised to normalize our marriage if I stayed put. I told her she had been making the same promise for 16 years, it was not going to happen again. Then they decided strong arm tactics were in order, My father told my wife I was only going to get a little roughed up, Just to humble me, I was a big man I could take it, just make sure I was locked out of the house. I arrived home four men got out of a van and told me I was taking my name off the bid, I asked which of them was the wife to who and they jumped me. They had forgot I held a 3rd dan black belt and was trained in two services. In under a minute four men had to be sent to a trauma center in critical condition, My father showed and was crying why couldn't you have just done what they wanted, I was tired of do what was wanted, after that I was forced to work weekends and holidays with a shot gun in my back. The commissioner told the sheriffs department to stay out of it or lose funding.
That is the reason why I put my foot down. I will never allow myself to be pushed or forced into anything again, everyone else can take a flying leap into the void, My wife can leave anytime she feels, I just was not going to allow myself to be used as her piggy bank any more with out something in return, IF she wants she can take what she bought into the marriage 20000 her bags, put her feet on the street and pick a direction. It would free me. That is spousle abandonment as long as she maintains no contact for six months.
As far as my family is concerned I now live far west, I don't care if my father says another word to me. He did his best to ruin my life, make me a slave. To his friends and their brats.
So one way or another in my house my word stands as law from here on. My wife is crying about this but that's the way it is, if I have to be trapped then I will be like Lucifer. My world my law.

I had better explain there have been five more men hurt. An old BF of my wifes that I caught her in an affair with, He decided that a little humiliation was in order. I was just going to see where things were going when he swept my cane with his foot and started laughing with the comment how pathetic, He was in the hospital for a fractured scull, while I was placed I a stress center for anger management. Two weeks later, I was released. The center notified my father I had been taken home by insurance supplied taxi. I found my wife getting ready to go to a political funding dinner with a friend of my father. I told her she owed 31 years of a marriage and she was not going that night. She took of for the door and I grabbed the dress, I said I paid for it: It was staying leaving her standing in garter belt stockings and heels. She begged to meet after the event any where I wanted, and we would talk things through. I said after you negotiate so long then the talk is done, its time for action and the talk was done a decade ago or more. I did force sex right there, The man that was going to pick her up was hammering on the door yelling they were going to be late. I answered the door and told him she was not coming, he decided to punch me and try and force his way past. He landed face first in front of my father as he pulled in with my mother. my wife was in the bedroom crying and my mother went to talk to her, my father helped his friend to the ER. That's the night my mother was filled in about what happened over the last 31 years, Then memorial day, my father tried to get me to leave before the cookout at my house started, He setup the same friend for after dinner drinks with my wife, this was not agreed by her, but I took his reservation from him my father became angry at my pushing my way into traditions formed over 31 years. He slapped me and earned his reward of a backhand across my kitchen. I escorted my own wife. The fourth was tense but my mother sister and brother put their feet down, Then I finally got all the things I needed to do to sell the house and move west.
My father tried the old tactic of using fire arms to back me off, One of the things I installed for the new owners was a wireless security cam system I was recording to the hard drive, when my father pulled up with two friends want it take my wife for a chat without me in tow. They pointed two pistols at e and just about drug her away. I loaded the vid on a thumb drive and was on my way to the township office to file charges, When I spotted my fathers car at a dinner. I could not help myself, grabbed my cane and went in. I saw the two men sitting side ways to the walk way. I did not give then a chance to pull their weapons. and left them bleeding into their breakfast. My mother, sister and her husband as well as my wife the wives of my fathers friends and my father were there. My mother had been told the reason I did not come was I was not there.
I was cuffed and told the watch officer the reason why I had done what I did was in my pocket with the file name. He put it on his tablet and watched it and released me. This labor day is going to be spent with my sister in law, her husband, my wife's mother my wife, and twenty new friends. They are a hardworking group, they are coming mainly to meet the dudes from back east and welcome us.
Instead of suits and ties there will be boots cowboy hats and jeans, The air here is clear and besides my sister in laws new home there is not another in sight. I have several cousins coming to. I do feel this is the new start. My wife feels that its Siberia. I did get an email from my mother. She says if it was not for my fathers coronary she wanted to come back home to. She says he will never interfere again, but asks if she comes would she be welcome. My answer was yes, even my father would be welcome if he did not try to manipulate.
And I just noticed I never explained the cane and the reason for it, Four years ago I had MRSA in my spine, it caused a slip into the cord crushing it. below my upper legs I have only pins and needles. I took three years to get to this point of walking, The cane is one I made for myself out of red oak. it weighs 13 pounds and is toped with a peuter dragon handle and is about four feet tall. That's what I used on my wife's old boyfriend and the two that held pistols on me.

Oh, by the way I hate the phrase there is always tomorrow. I have had 2 times when the next minute was not even sure, the first was a hole from over my right eye to the center of my head to remove a tumor, causing hydrocephalus, I should not have been alive to be put on the table the pressure in my scull was so high. The next time was when MRSA developed in my spine, I still bear some burns where they had to shock my heart to startup on the table twice. I have come off the pain killers, My back is always spasaming, My legs get errant signals causing them to jerk. But I am still to sit in the corner and shut up, Let my wife be the community girlfriend. Well I refuse on all counts and it people don't like it they can shut their trap or end up with my fist in their teeth in my home.
So as you can tell for me today is the tomorrow that I will wait for. To H with the wish of others.

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my heart is shattered. I have been with my husband for almost 6 years and he has continuously refused me. my soul is crushing under the weight and I feel like my mind is out of control. I feel so ****** up because he has been a great provider and father and friend. Yea we are like best friends, living together, playing house and I am dying inside. since the da we married he has been withholding sex from me. Making me beg for it and telling me I make him feel used. When I was very pregnant my mom sent something kinda sexy for valentines and I wore it and he laughed and told me my vagina looked like a deflated football. when we were first married and I couldn't understand why we were noyt having all this sex I was so hungry for I tried dressing up and being ready for him when he got home from work. He told me I just made him feel used and like he HAD to have sex with me. I think I am going crazy. I told him 50% of why I got married was because I wanted to have a sexual relationship that was deemed good in the eyes of God and family and he told me I was crazy that I can have sex 50% of the time, but that is not what I said. I told him I thought 3 times a week and he scoffed. He will not read any articles I have sent him and we went to individual and couples therapy for 6 months. I am now 30 with two kids and the only answer I get out of him is "i don't know" or "im working on it".

Sorry to unload to a bunch of strangers but I don't know who knows what it is like. and this is not the woman refusing the man crap that I always read about. **** I WISH my husband would follow me around with a hard on. All I get is a flaccid **** ni my mouth and a look of pity from my husband.

"best friends, living together, playing house and I am dying inside". I know exactly how you feel and it's hellish. I know I can't be much help, your efforts with therapy are proof positive that you have tried to improve the situation but it appears that your husband is unwilling to change.
My own relationship feels utterly broken by my partners ambivalence toward sex. We've been together three years and it started off with frequent, great sex. After a year the intimacy became more sporadic but in the last 18months we've had sex twice and not at all in the last 12months. Whatever attempts I make to initiate intimacy are rejected, worse, even the simple pleasures of kissing is spurned as an "obvious attempt to start things".
What I guess I'm trying to say is that whether your partner is male or female, constant rejection and a refusal to initiate change is poisonous to any relationship. If your feelings really mattered your husband would do more.
Anything done out of pity is no consolation - the rare occasions are worse because they're so forced and begrudged.
I hope your situation improves, with or without your husband. You've a long life ahead of you and it shouldn't be spent sublimating your needs

I guess there really is no happy answer, cure all to this. My husband fundamentally doesn't not want or view sex like I do. I just wish he could stop dragging me along with him and be honest with himself and with me. IF he is gay, please tell me so I can make an educated decision about our marriage. If he is asexual and that is that, TELL me so I can make an educated decision about the future. I am open and willing to find a way to work through this if only I was getting the same efforts from him. but I tried everything. Asking, begging, demanding, refusing. I even refused just because I wanted him to feel the same rejection I felt and when I told him that he said i was being cruel. THe man has orgasmed inside me one time our entire relationship! arrrgh!!! punch punch punch!

Naomi: Your husband's behavior is your answer. Obviously, the sexless marriage is working for him, and he has no reason to tell you why he doesn't want to have sex with you. He knows that if he tells you he's gay, asexual, married you for your money or a green card, you'd leave him.

You can either ignore his behavior and keep waiting forever to get the kind of marriage that you desire and deserve but he'll never give you or you can have the guts to divorce and therefore set yourself free to find the kind of love you want and desire. Right now, by staying you're collaborating with your refuser in creating a miserable life for yourself. Keep staying with him and as time goes by you'll be more and more trapped and will have given up more and more things that you had wanted -- things like, for instance, having children.

i already gave him my 20's. Now im 30 and don't want to sacrife those years as well.

But that's exactly what you're choosing to do -- sacrifice your life for a man who is happily living in a sexless marriage. Individual therapy could help you view your life accurately and get the confidence and guts to take the steps under your control to give yourself the kind of life you want. You can't control your husband, but you can control your own actions.

You don't have to sacrifice like that, no one should. I am considered a bad person because after 31 years I stopped accepting the statues quo after I found she had an affair, I hammered the man she was with and ended up in a stress center for anger management. When I came home I could not believe she was planning to go out with another man, I know I arrived home a full day before expected, and I lost my temper, but that day I determined I paid for 31 years of her life, and receiving nothing in return, I collected the first installment. Been collecting since. The guy she was going with went to the ER, and the last year I have not allowed any interference, there have been attempts made, All of the interferers including my own father have been hurt, In fact its almost two months latter and he still has a bruised face. I know you are a woman, have you asked if there is a medical problem, if he is hypertensive the meds can cause a problem, if he has a pinched nerve in his back that can do it two.
Please sit down with him and ask if there is a problem, You might have to draw it out because some are embarrassed to even entertain the idea of a problem there, If its something in his mind have him seek help! Its worth it in the end.
I wish there had been someone in my early marriage that had listened, and others that did not interfere. There could be an outside influence to.

Hi Naomi,

You're currently in a platonic relationship that's doing more damage than good. 5 years from now you'll be in the same relationship, hating your life if nothing changes. I am sure you tried everything you can by now.
If you remain in this relationship you're facing years of frustration. If someone were to ask you to make a choice: "Leave him" or "Stay with him" you'd probably say that you love him very much and you can live without the sex just to spend your life with him. You'd say this even if you probably contemplated the idea of leaving him 1000 times in the past years..
it seems to me that you're putting his own happiness before yours. He doesn't seem to be interested in doing the same.

Give yourself 6 months - 1 year with him. Have a talk and tell him you need a change. Then if nothing changes after 1 year, go find happiness somewhere else :)

Think about this - at some point you'll start being attracted to other people, and then it will be too late to keep your focus on your husband and on improving your relationship, because you'll start caring less and less without actually wanting to.

So give it a try together and then if it doesn't work, you won't regret not having tried at all. Hopefully he won't either

All the best!

O

I'm not sure you can fix things once a partner stops wanting sex. If real love was manmade we would have no divorce rate. Don't get lost in asking him why he no longer wants you, chances are he won't tell the truth for a million different reasons. Cut to the chase. It doesn't really matter why if you think about it. What it comes down to is that you can't hide your feelings they show in everything you do. If your not doing something its because you can't or don't want to.

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Thank you! This truly helped me.. I have been with someone for only short 9 months and first guy I have lived with since my divorce 6 years ago and it has been hell.. We were full of passion at first but he has shown his true colors for at least 5 months. Yes we have had sec but ONLY when he wants it not when I do but that is not our only issue!! Thanks

You so right about that

Thank you for the clear description of everything that has been happening to me. I knew it, of course, but sometimes it helps to have someone else describe what you are going through. I, in common with some others, find myself currently trapped by finance and circumstance, but I do not intend for that be the whole picture for ever. My circumstance ( caring for a beloved elderly) will not last forever. My financial situation ( I currently live in another country far from home, where English is not the main language, & far from cities where my career experience is useful. I am at the end of my tether trying to reason with the man in my life, who finds every reason and excuse to keep us apart, to blame me & my personality for our estrangement, and who responds to my statements about how this is hurting me by telling me I have to be nicer to him. What is remarkable is that he still claims to love me - it seems that he is actually *unable* to understand what he is doing in trying to control me by refusing physical closeness - not just sex: if I displease him in any small way he responds by telling me I am sleeping alone. Frankly, I am ok with that now - I seem to have crossed a line, past caring . I am no longer buying into the 'all my fault' thing, and his words have less power to hurt me. I hope that he recognises what he is doing one day - but I doubt it: his self-vindication is powerful. This brings me to the important point: I left him before because of this and similar treatment. I went back to my own country for 18 months. I returned because I love him and truly value him as a person - he is a good person in many ways - and because I honestly believed he loved me. In his own way, I guess he thinks he does. I believe he is driven by a sense of fear and being less-powerful than me in some way - even though I am financially dependent on him now, having moved to be with him. SO - to anyone who has left their partner over this treatment, and is thinking of going back - think twice, think three times. The pattern of behaviour that allows for this is not easily eradicated. It will probably resurface as it did here, for me.

I was happy to find this post too, just to have the confirmation that i'm not going crazy over this, which my wife would have me believe, that i am exaggerating and blowing this out of proportion. The part that really hit me in your response is that he says you have to be nicer to him. They use it as a bargaining tool! But there never is the reward or payback that they would love for us to believe it just around the corner, if we are just that little bit nicer, bit friendlier to their friends, bit more outgoing, bit more etc etc! I do everything I can to look and feel sexy to my wife but its a useless attempt because she does not notice the cologne i'm wearing that she thought was nice once, or the shirt she used to like. Its the small things that connect us together in marriage, otherwise we wouldn't have gotten together in the first place but now everything is just overlooked.

Once sex in a marriage is thought of as a bargaining tool that is the first blackmail, He or she will say I promise that if you do as I or my friends wants then our real marriage can begin, then leave an open end in the promise.
It is extortion, fraud, and cohersion in a marriage. It came to a point with me that I stole my wife's journal and read them, I had promised not to years ago, but after so many of the things I was promised did not come to pass I thought why do I have to maintain this promise. It might give me insight as to why she was being this way, Copies of her journals, are now in the hands of a U.S. attorney, and the DA, She said to the U.S. attorney how can he steal something this private and turn them over to you without a warrant, He said they were in his house and after he uncovered evidence of a crime he bought it to our attention, My father and mother as well as myself were in the conference room with my wife when my father asked what crime was comited except him telling my friends, myself, his union, he was going to take the rights he thought he deserved, He has to understand it is up to others to allow what rights he has, The U.S. Attorney I think could not believe what my father said, he asked what do you mean what rights me, myself and my friends allow the rights your son has? my father said there are people in a community that come in as an outsider, he needs to understand he does not have the same rights, The attorney said that's the crime that was commited, you and others conspired along with your sons wife to deny your sons civil rights.
My father just about dropped through the floor, the attorney said this is a situation where you used a woman that was on heavy mind controlling drugs, like seroquell, xanix, lithium, cogentan, and meloril, to get her cooperation in having your son stay in a place, he could have had a better life, My father said he's a big boy he could take more than most, No body expected somebody his size to ever be anything but a strong back, he was not supposed to be able to build computers, repair complex items, he was an outsider. He would not stay in the place he was assigned, The only thing any one could do to get his cooperation was get his wife to withhold sex unless he did what was expected.

I have been married 7 years to this man and I have back pain and he won't ask for sex or come on to me he says it's not in his nature, but he will look at **** 24/7 and I get nothing he mentally abusses me bewittes me and blames me for his seeking out other woman. I stay home 24/7 he leaves me no car and I don't know anyone who has a car and I have no phone. I am his prisoner. I have been drugged in the past I refuse to eat or drink.

Dear Kamama69,

Please, please, please, please- Get help immediately. You are in a severely abusive relationship beyond the help of anyone on this website. Please, I beg you, please go to your closest shelter for domestic abuse. I don't know where you live or I would try to help you find out who to call. Often, in many cities, you can call 211 to find social services. There is NOTHING normal about what you are experiencing. The next step for your husband will be to start beating you, and then, eventually, he will kill you. Please leave immediately- well obviously, wait until he is not home and you are not expecting him for hours, hopefully he has a job and you cold leave while he is at work. All big cities, and many counties in rural areas, have a shelter for women who are being abused by their husbands or boyfriends. It sounds like you are very isolated and may be living out in the country. Usually, in these situations, someone will come pick you up if you just call for help. If that is not possible, then please, just walk. I don't care if you are ten miles out in the country, walk. What you are describing is a prison and is VERY alarming. i am so scared for you.

I used to be married to an abusive man and I left him and changed my life. But even the abuse I suffered does not sound nearly as bad as what you are suffering. It is NOT OK for anyone to deprive you of transportation, to isolate you, make you feel bad about yourself, LET ALONE to DRUG you...in fact, it is a criminal act, punishable by prison, for anyone to drug you.

You are gong to die of starvation or dehydration if you don't eat or drink.

Please write back and tell me you are still alive at least. Please tell me what town or city you are in or near, so I can help you find the help you need. Please, be very careful and try not to provoke the psychopath you are married to. He is not rational and will not respond the way a normal, rational, healthy adult would respond....I am not religious, but I will pray for you to be OK.

I agree with nomore12. GET OUT while you can! There are resources in place in every major city to help you get to safety. NO ONE deserves to be treated this way! This is not what love and marriage are about! And it's all the more horrific that you are dealing with health issues. You must have nourishment and hydration to live. He can't treat you this way unless you let him.

Hello, First off I want to say this is very en lighting. I have read many of your struggles and it helps me see that I am not crazy for feeling like I feel. Ladies that are struggling all that I can say is I wish I had a woman who would approach me about making love instead of it being me. You see my wife recently told me she did not want sex anymore with me until she healed from the dysfunction our marriage has caused her. She thinks I am a sex addict. Do I like Sex? absolute, it is how I connect on a deeper level. I do not look at ****, I do not cheat, I have taken financial care of her and her two children and adopted one of them for 13 years and she has never worked. I always have fear to pursue her because she has told me not to. She thinks I fill up on sex and she can not be my vessel to relive stress or fill up so she cuts me off totaly. New years eve I wanted to make love to her so bad so I ask, she got angry said I disrespected her and she wanted out of this marriage. of course now that I gave her the option and said fine now she tells me I do not care about her and called me trash and many other names she also has told me she hates me many times. She says I am the reason our marriage is bad and if it wasn't for me she could be happier. She always disrespected me in front of the kids and has treated mine like crap for years. All I want is to be respected and loved and maybe have my ego stroked sometimes instead of being torn down. I am not sying I have been perfect but I am saying I am dieing in side. I feel unloved and unwanted. I feel like she blames me for everything. I feel like I need to end my life so many times just so the pain will go away. I use to be strong and now I am week. Is it to much to ask to be honored and respected are there women out there who are like that? I put her on a pedestal so high and put her before my own kids. Am I asking to much am I being selfish? Please help me what do I do.

Vinny, Our society has become so callous anything you do will now be considered the most disrespecting thing you could ever do. on one side the law, you are not the master in your own home, the other side is the religious, they want you to be the forgiver. If you have the opportunity get out of this situation you should, Its better to rent a wife, I know my own situation has become so dark this might be bad advice but think on it.

Vinny, my heart goes out to you. As a woman with a high sex drive and a passionate person, it hurts like hell when your partner refuses your needs, and tries to make YOU out to be the bad guy for wanting what should be shared in a loving, generous and giving way. It's not right that both women and men are doing this to their mates! Especially in a marriage! It takes a LOT for a man to commit to a woman for the rest of his life, and so if he does, a wife should do everything in her power to keep him happy and satisfied (so long as its reciprocal). And that is not just sexually, BUT that is an important component of that. Clearly, you are putting out a lot of love and effort towards her. To put it bluntly, my now boyfriend was intimidated when we first met, because I made no bones about what I needed in a man sexually! That I would bone my man every night if I could! I have been on the receiving end of a sexless relationship, and I'll NEVER do it again. Sex should never be used as a bargaining tool or a weapon against the person you say you love. It is the glue that helps bind you together, gets you through rough times, and reaffirms and deepens your love for each other.

Women withholding sex is equal to a men withholding emotional support. Whoever started first should do their part. Because, I always show my emotional support until she withhold sex and then I completely ignore her. She then gets angry just like how I get angry when she withhold sex. Men are in a ball park of 65% physical to 35% emotional - and vice versa for women.

I am blessed I guess - I have the sex drive of a man!! But I'm all woman. So it was extremely painful to be denied what I needed (in two different relationships, no less!). I need emotional support AND great physical intimacy from my man. I am very blessed to have both now.

I read this and it's exactly how I feel. I love my girlfriend so deeply but she refuses to be intimate in any way. Even a kiss is only a peck. It's driving me mad I feel like she doesn't care and I am beginning to get angry and I'm a very passive person. It's out of my control because I try to treat her right compliment her and show her I care. I'm a good looking guy and could find someone else easily but all I want is her. What do I do??? Someone must be able to help. If I try to talk about it she gets angry and abusive I feel I've tried everything.

Ask her why and tell her how you feel like you can better or enjoy to express your emotions and care for her physically. Try to get her to understand where you're coming from.
If she is a "good girl" and is not yet ready to be physical, that is a different story. But definitely have a sober and thought provoking conversation with her. And I say sober because you don't want to take her out to dinner, have a few drinks, and then talk to her....she might get all emotional and feel like you're attacking her. The less you use the word "you" in your conversation, the less she'll feel like you're just trying to make her feel like a terrible girlfriend. When you do use the word "you" - only say positive things. Tell her how you feel and you would like to be more physical; talking in terms of "I feel like a physical connection is really important", "I really like it when you do ___. It makes me feel attractive/special/significant to you."
Good luck with your talk!!

If things don't improve after a month or so, you need to move on. They don't get better after marriage.

That is great advice, chaslady! Very objective, diplomatic and thoughtful. I agree totally with the "I" statements. They are a powerful tool to establish and affirm what you need without putting the other person on the defense.

ive been with my boyfriend for 8 yrs now ever since I had a kid with him he refused sex and became abusive he never ever wants sex and he has no sexual problems I use to get it once a year if I harassed him everyday and finally hed do it for like 6 minutes ..then it went to every other yr once now not at all he will say tomorrow we will then tomorrow comes and he will say tomorrow get the point he gives me the run around we are just roomates at this point and I never gained weight or anything other guys cant relate it really makes me insane he will go on **** though it hurts im rejected everyday its not that hard u know

I registered here because of this spot on description. Thank you so much

All you poor abused souls, wow, I didn't even know this was so bad and I was part of this huge group of people who have attached themselves to these sick life suckers!!! I would say my current husband is a ladykiller. He swooped in and totally took over my life, and I let him,,, When we met he really swept me off my feet. He is British, educated, charming, a huge flirt, loves women, especially older ones!!!! Mommy issues. I was fresh out of a 10 year boring, normal relationship and he was a English, drummer/ self published author/poet, that formally lived in my faviorite places in the world london and San Francisco for 10 years then moved to Laguna beach where he came to live with friends and stop drinking. He was sleeping on the couch of a 60 year old womans couch, he said they never had anything going on, i found letters later on proving that they did. he formally lived with a girlfriend who was 15 years his senior, and she kicked him out. He is a former addict of everything you can possibly chug, snort, smoke, shoot up, and screw. He at this point is clean except for smoking weed, and I had no idea how much he was smoking, it was a lot! But I didn't know this until I got pregnant 4 months into our relationship!!!!
It never was crazy throw you on the bed, have to have you now kinda sex that you have at the start of a relationship, especially with a musician, poet. All the signs were there I was just so blind and I thought things would change for some reason.
So after I find out I'm pregnant he unloads everything on me but slowly and nonchalantly, I use to have sex with Asian massage parlor girls, I wrote my first book in the corner of a tranny bar, my sister messed with me when I was little, I need to marry you so I can get my greencard so I can work to support you guys, ill watch the baby and you work, i found tones of **** on the internet and texting, i got spyware after a while. and on and on, all while I'm knocked up with his baby inside of me and its way to late to terminate the pregnancy. So much stupid stress and such a screwed up person, but I am a very giving and loving fool who was so tricked!
I had our beautiful baby girl and I just thought I was a habit, he didn't touch me while I was pregnant now we have to ease our way back into things. He was creeped out there was a baby in me a didnt think it was right to have sex with a pregnant woman.
In the last 3 months we've had sex 2 times. He says its my weight but I way the same as when we first started going out,,, I should have just moved to another state to get away from him,, but its so scary to be alone and pregnant. Luckily I think I've developed a backbone thanks to my beautiful daughter. I don't want her to expect to be treated this way when she grows up,
So my done button has been pushed, I know I am an amazing,beautiful person who deserves healthy love and he will never be able to give that to me, BUT, I depend on him to watch our daughter while I work to support our family, she is 16 months old. As unhealthy as it is I really feel right now if I just found a "friend with benefits" it would ease the pain and kinda empower me, kinda like a eff you to all the turn downs. But this is going to be a process and a half to get readjusted and get my ducks in a row and I have needs!!!! II feel like I need to go to a shelter for abused women and just get away from him for good.

My husband Ramon Acosta did this to me for a year I cried to him and asked what was wrong with me and he said nothing not until your ready to have my kid and it destroyed me. Every night I'd wonder mayb he's planning somthing romantic but nothing happend I remember catching him ************ that was extruciating pain: as a woman his wife he left me a scar
In novenmer he confessed to cheating and I remember telling him thank you because I know I wasn't the problem it was you and I left him I soon filed for a divorce and waiting on it to be final

i feel your pain man....

i feel your pain man....

My ex rarely complimented me, rarely if ever had sex with me if I initiated it, he had sexual problems but would not get help even when I was so patient and understanding, he said he loved me every day but he was very controlling in a covert way and I am only just realising how much sex was part of that control now as it is 6 months after we split. It still affects me and I believe that I am too ugly or undesirable to find another man. Don't put up with this treatment it eats away at you

my husband refuses to have sex with me because we broke up for a year and I was with 1 other man, he was with others-multiple. Me=1. Needless to say he wants to get off so oral for him, and I'm supposed to be ok with it, he'll tease me and get me worked up and then nothing for me but pent up frustration and going it alone just isn't the same. I am fed up with the emotional and verbal and now this kind of abuse! I just don't understand, i guess his pride is damaged, but sex is a great way to convey love in a marriage.

Even if she agreed to read this artical, it would just **** her off and id be in a worse place than I was before she read.

Finally!! someone nailed it. It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced and Ive been raped in the past we had such a wonderful relationship and he just stopped 4 years ago:( it breaks my heart I think about it all the time Ive considered cheating which kills me. And he claims to fear God???? I really want to know why so bad he's given all kinds of excuses and got pissed when I bought a vibrator I have no option really he is the breadwinner and we have two kids plus the really hard part is that he means so much to me he's my best friend everything else is great except this! And I want my girls to have a Dad. What scares me is that I get really suicidal sometimes because i miss making love.

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now, and literally do everything for him. He just started work about 2 weeks ago and I drive and pick him up to work every day, and all I ask for is a kiss and a thank you. At first, our sex life was unreal but we didn't "do it" all the time like most new couples. Not for nothing but I am a nursing student, and I know how to talk to people. I noticed that when discussing the issue of sex with my boyfriend I had to walk on eggshells. I mean what guy wants their girlfriend nagging them especially about sex? I always have to walk on eggshells for him. He told me he was just tired from working and what not and I respect that. However, I brought it up a few times after that and he still hasn't even made a move or anything!!!! I'm scared to initiate sex for fear of rejection. When I brought it up again he said that's all I care about and that I was the dumbest person he knows. And said he hates when girls throw themselves at him.... But who the hell else am I supposed to throw myself at? I shouldn't have to get my boyfriend intoxicated to want me. I'm starting to believe that I am unworthy and ugly. The other night I literally put on my favorite dress, and took a bunch of clonidine hoping to not wake up. I have no one to talk to. Please help! Your story was reassuring.Thanks,<br />
Alayna

"I was the dumbest person he knows. "
That's verbal abuse.
...Forget about the lack of sex for a minute, do you think you deserve to be treated like crap, when you're bending over backwards to be at this guy's beck and call?
I DON'T!
...Look, a very wise friend of mine explained to me that our job in relationships is to build each other up. To make each other feel loved, and worthy, and confident, so that together, we're stronger.

"I'm starting to believe that I am unworthy and ugly."
Do you want to stay with someone who makes you feel unworthy and ugly? This problem-that is, him making you feel bad about yourself-is just going to get worse.

Don't put up with him verbally abusing you any more, sweetheart. He's got a problem or two, he needs to deal with that, not put it on you.

...But, you probably won't want to walk away from him on just the say-so of a stranger on the internet.
So do this: Look for abusive and hurtful things he tells you about yourself. Write them down with date and time. Write down how many compliments he gives you, too, in the same way.
Just write it down. This stuff has a way of sliding out of your mind, you see.

Dear Alayna, I am going through the same thing and often feel suicidal. The thoughts that stop me are that I'm scared of the pain of dying and don't want my last memories to be bleeding or being ill and in pain and I want to die happy. I want to leave but often feel too weak and low to get a job and save up the money I need to move out( I suffer from depression, insomnia, panic attacks when I go into busy places). I attempted to slit my wrists about a year ago and nothing's any better since then. However I do feel slightly stronger. My heart goes out to you at this time and I hope you find things other than this man to give fulfillment and joy in life. I will be here for you to talk to!

Someone has finally put it into words of how I feel.

I have been married for 2 years and also second marriage and a kid with him. my husband has lost his libido and he tells me it is my job to make the apt. But then I find out he want to have sex with other men and ****** off of singles site asking for sex also looking at **** all night at work. when I am begging all the time I tell him I want to have fantasies sex durning the weekend i would look at **** and have him tell me what he wants but when the weekend get here turned down again.
I want him to have his libido back but I am afraid that he will act on his desirable of wanting men and that will kill me. I love him very much but I am so afraid of losing him
I just want him to look at me how hard is it to do that I cook clean do laudry take care if the kids so he can sleep because he has a night job but can't he really take time aside to appreciate me to make me feel special.

This is base.
I've been emotionally abused throughout my childhood and adolescence, and I'm now unable to have sex with my boyfriend. I cringe at the thought of it. When I've tried I feel like I'm being sexually abused by a family member. The reason I stay in the relationship is because of him, because I love him and he only wants to be with me. He recently proposed and we are now engaged. I would try to off myself if I he didn't need me to live. Do you reckon I should just do it anyway, to save him the burden of having to live with a monster like me? Seriously... Your rant is so small-minded and obstinate it almost made me want to.

Please DO NOT get married, because you are not able to give what a man needs !!!!!!!!!!
You schuld never marry , because you can not give what a man NEEDS.
My wife refuses me sex for nog more than 5,5 heats and it is absolute HELL for me !!.!.!.!!.!.!...!l!

if you cannot give the same love that your partner needs then you should not get involved with someone who wants a sexual relationship. if you do you are only asking that person to live in your hell.

When a man shuts his wife out...Ignores her when she tries to talk to him about problems they need to resolve...And refuses to meet her emotional needs, that is also abuse. A woman should never give her body to her husband unconditionally. After 21 years of marriage, giving my husband his needs while he refused to meet mine...all I can say is I don't want him to touch me. I am not trying to withhold sex for punishment. I just don't feel any desire for sex with him because I feel like he pushed me away emotionally. Without a feeling of an emotional connection, I feel used. I refuse to live like that anymore.

You have taken an illegal attitude !!!!!!!.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.!!!
You are unfaithfull, and are imposing your will on him !!
you should be paying for all the cost of a divorce !!!!!

Holy crap...I could have written those words...here it is though...I love my husband..he is a phenomenal father and provider..he is a good man...well..then..is he really? I am starting to wonder...bu let me ask yo this...how do you put your need of intamacy above your child's need of a stable two parent home?

thats exactly how I feel

I agree with EVERYTHING you have written and, by sheer coincidence, identify with most of it. I thought I was in a loving relationship, a 23+ year marriage where I was the patient husband, always putting the feelings, needs and situations of my spouse ahead of my own. I saw all her avoidance's of intimacy as everything and anything except what is truly was - her calculated plan to refuse and withhold sex, to keep me hanging, to keep me around (and my paycheck and hard work, etc.). I saw it all, but thru rose-colored glasses, never letting my thoughts go that place where my dear, 'loving' wife was superficial & selfish *****, always rationalizes her excuses and actions for her refusals of intimacy in the best light for her.

That was, until this past Christmas. No matter what our situation was, we always made love Christmas Eve, after we had done our Santa routine. In some years, it was our only intimacy (and not for lack of asking and begging on my part). And it was always great and my wife was always passionate, dare I say an animal once we got going. But this year that ended.

I did our Santa bit, our daughters who are grown now (23 &17) fast asleep, and climbed in bed with my wife and let her know that all was done until the morning. She thanked me, and I kissed her softly and snuggled up to her - she said 'NO'! I ask what? She said she didn't feel like sex and she didn't care what day it was. I was kind of dazed and confused.

Christmas Day I asked her about the night before, she said she didn't remember. Now I could feel my blood beginning to boil but calmly asked her again about the night before, did she have any problems with breaking our 26 year tradition? She said she didn't care, it was silly and she wasn't going to have sex unless SHE wanted it. I asked if she knew when the last time we had sex (it was the previous Xmas Eve), she said she didn't care.

That was 3 weeks ago. I have been very quiet over that time, there isn't much to say when you've realized the woman you love, who you thought loved you and you've been together for 28 years is in reality a selfish *****. That notion is always in front of my brain, so engaging in chit-chat is kind of difficult. She, on the other hand, thinks I should get over it and has stopped talking to me which is kind of funny in a sad way.

My relationship has just ended again for the fifth time with the same girl. I love this girl with all my heart, she was my world. In the early days she used to flirt and have intimate conversations with many other men and each time our relationship broke down. In July 2011 it broke down for the forth time and she met and had sex with a stranger from a dating site. After a month or so she came back to me telling me she had made a huge mistake and how sorry she was for everything she had done. Cutting a long story short she convinced me she had changed so I went back to her.

Her ex husband then said he was moving 400 miles away and taking her children with him. We of course had no choice but to follow. We were only in our new place for 6 weeks before she started to doubt if she want to be together or not. We battled on.

She has many emotional problems most of which are about not having full time care of the children. I have alway tried to understand it.

However she never wanted to have sex with me and in ge last 4 months we had sex 3 times. I felt like I was going mad. I now feel completly inecure, worthless and all the other emotions this article explains.

She said she loves me and wishes it had worked but how can I believe that when she has yet again left me wishing I wasn't alive. All she had do was make me feel like I mattered and it could all have been so different.

My husband Ramon Acosta usmc withheld sex from me!! He emotionally abused me! I was blind and believed him for his reasons and no I think back it wasn't me it was his guilt and am glad to be away from a narccistic individual !!

I am a man of 75..still have a healthy libido.
I was married to my first wife very young..and had 2 sons, and gained custody when she met another man.
I met my 2nd wife a few years after the first ended..and she said she loved me...so when I got a council flat it was natural she came too.
From the onset she insisted on her own room, and never wanted to sleep with me or make love.
There were always excuses...'the boys are here'...even when they were absent...when they left home..'I want a house'...we got one...'we're not married'....we married...still nothing....months and months, then years passed...I loved her....took our vows seriously...then it became too late to leave...but then the bombshell.
She was 28...me 32 when we met...and recently she told me...she had lived with a guy from India...Colin Grant for 3 years...shared bed and room and had sex 3 times a week with him..but when she met me and my boys thought it would make a nice little family unit for her but she hadn't intended to have a love life!
I could never go through a divorce...she thrived in her profession...getting a headship...while I gave up my music as the place we moved to in Middlesex was a musical desert!
So a big THANKS to Christine Cunninham from NELSON for the 40 plus years of celibacy you gave me, the self confessed idiot who thought your behaviour was perhaps a medical issue.
I am of course going nowhere...at my age where? And why should I?

You coulden't have written that better, it sums up exactly how I am feeling. Untill I found this site and read what you and others have written I felt totally alone and lost. I thought I was the only person who feels as bad as this, I am so sorry for everyone else on here going through this but it is reassuring to know I am not alone.I am 24, and My boyfriend of 7 years left me for another woman and I stupidly took him back a year ago, when we split up he started taking mirtazapine just to get on the sick ( he admits this) and he has come back to me and we have had sex 6 times in a year, all of which I have had to plead for. He hasn't tried anything remotely sexual with me since his return and everytime I try to gently discuss this it results in a row, I made him go to the doctors to rule out anything medical and they found nothing and have told us it is more than likely down to the mirtazapine. (Though he has never had a big sex drive, I could handle it before because it was alot more often.) He promises to stop them but then I find him taking them again.The only thing he seems to get excited about or have any energy for is seeing his mates, an hour from where we live, he has the energy for this but why not for me?I am heartbroken. I have tried everything, herbal and prescription medicines, sexy outfits, asking him how I could please him, I am open to anything but he will not listen. The excuses are all the same, too tired, just doesn't feel like it etc, what bothers me the most is his unwillingness to discuss it and it results in a row everytime. I am attractive and loving, a nice person etc, I don't know what to do, please helpxx

So here it is ok to cry after 12 years, thank you.

Thank you for giving me a perspective in my failing relationship. I tried everything communicating, asking for therapy, initiating sex. He always made me feel awful like I was some sort of pervert.
The excuses were "I am tired, sleepy, stressed, headaches. We were intimated 7 times in two years!
I became pregnant the last time we were together. He won't hold me or touch me because I am pregnant. I feel so alone, unwanted, unloved and can't handled the fact that he masturbates while he withholds love and intimacy.
After reading your page I realized it is abuse! I can not deal with it any longer. I want to separate while I still have some part of me that loves me left!

I am right where you are!!! my daughter is 2 now and I have an 8 year old from previous relationship. my husband refused to touch me and told me my body parts were ugly (while I was 8 months preggo) he laughed even when I tried to dress sexy. laughed out loud. I am dependant on him as a provider and we are great friends but when it comes to sex he is too tired, not in the mood, or just flat out says no. we have sex maybe 5 times a year and he can never even look at me when we do. that only makes me feel worse. I have become bitter and angry and probably insane by now. I have started yelling aty the children and my desire to even lift my head off the pillow is gone. I told him I need sex and he told me im a spoiled, selfish little girl who uses my parents and him. why my parents came into the argument is part of his crazy ways of manipulating me into thinking its my fault. I keep asking myself if I really am because I want to leave and tear apart this otherwise happy home. but is it really happy???? no?! im his maid, his mother and his friend. I clean for him and wash his clothes and look pretty when we go to his work functions where I have to sit with all the Army wives talking about how their men wont leave them alone and I have to pretend I know what that's like. I wish I could feel that. I wish I was walking around still feeling him inside me. that is long gone and I am some how the freak for wanting it.

It just hurts so much. I blame myself and have torn apart every aspect of my life trying to find where I have the problem. I have spent countless nights crying. I have torn myself down. The feelings of being unattractive and rejected by the person I love the most in the world are consuming me. It's such a dark, dark place to be living.

THAAAAANK YOOOOUUUUU!!!! I've tried to be the best husband, father and provider I can be but LO!!! I am a Kenyan male 32 years of age. I met my wife 4 years ago to this date, we soon got married and settled down, she had a daughter so I have taken her to be my daughter. We have a two year old son together, light of my life. Last year Oct, we went through a financial crisis and lost our home, by May this year I had to move into my parents with my son and she moved with our friends, a married couple with a daughter the same age as our son. From Dec last year our intimacy was very corroded. When we lived separately, she had gotten to the point of disrespecting me even among our friends. We got a place end of July and she promised things would get better. As I write this I'm done being in this situation. Last night I came home from a hard day, my only client threatened to fire me (our intimacy issues are now starting to interfere with work), some pending payments taking long, and a friend of mine committed suicide leaving a son my son's age and a wife (got me thinking), I try to tell her about my day and she runs off to catch her favorite soap drama on tv... I'm DONE!!! This is unacceptable if anything, for my son's sake. I AM RECLAIMING WHO I AM AND WHAT I ALLOWED HER TO TAKE FROM ME!!!

Blessings for this post and all your shares.

I've never been into a relation and still virgin. Having Read this, i'll make a point in my relation to fulfil each other's sexual and emotional needs wen i'd be in one. :P. But as far as i know, if two gay men are boyfriends, they rarely have to encounter a sexless relation. Lol.

I am in this situation now. It totally sucks. She refuses to even talk about it. 4th year of marriage, 9th year of relationship. She cant even look at me when we talk about it. So sad.

My former husband used to stare at either the floor or at the ceiling whenever I would initiate a discussion on our sexless marriage so I know what you mean.

You need to ask yourself how much longer you are willing to accept this unacceptable, selfish, immature and irresponsible behaviour from her.

You say that she refuses to discuss it. Are your feelings not important to her? Are you not important to her? Is saving her marriage important? If so, she needs to emotionally engage with you...for your sake and for the sake of your marriage. It cannot go on like this forever...it will get worse if the issue(s) are not discussed. Good luck.

Hi, thank you. We fought for three straight days about it. I persisted and gave her an ultimatum. Either communicate with me or leave my life. She refused to share her emotions with me and said she didn't wanna talk about "us" anymore. She laid all of the blame on me for being "mean" and refused to accept any responsibility at all for our problems even after I admitted that I have issues and apologized for my own behavior. As normal, she did not apologize to me. Sunday, in the middle of a family crisis, she decided to go to her parents. I texted her because something felt funny. I asked if she was coming back and she said "I dunno, you've hurt me so much these past 3 days." So I filed for divorce Monday morning. While I feel that I have been ripped apart, I know this is the best thing for me. My house is a complete mess, I am about to finish my masters' degree, and I have to teach night classes. I am emotionally unstable, but heading down the right path on my own. In spite of these feelings, which are nearly more than I can bare, I will never go back because I decided that being alone is better than being with someone who does not care about me. The sex stopped about 2 years ago --slowed down to about 5 times a year. She said there were medical issues, but refused to go to a doctor. No love or affection for so long. no soft kisses, no cuddles, nothing. She turned around in bed about 1.5 years ago and Ive been sleeping with her feet ever since, until now. I am 39, feel old and depressed, and feel I have lost something even though in the end I know I will gain my dignity and self-respect. She made me feel like a pervert for wanting intimacy and belittled my attempts to share my emotions with her. I feel sick. I hope that time goes by quickly and heals my broken heart. This is so weird because its like I watched from outside myself as I ended my marriage, which at first seemed it would last a lifetime.

Hi, I am going through exactly the same and feel exactly the same as you and I just wanted to say, thankyou for giving me hope that I could leave too, and find another road to this hellish one, also, 39 isn't old your still young and atleast you haven't made this beak in your sixtees or seventees x

sorry to hear that it happend to me for almost a year n on thanksgiving he admited to cheating. He hurt me so badly but am divorcing him. I hope one day he regrets it and love ***** him!! Don't let anyone hurt you put a stop to it ASAP!

Today is the final day I stay in this place, We picked her sister and her husband last night and the only thing keeping me for another day is the turnover and keys to the next owners, I was going to turn in the equipment tomorrow for my cable phone and internet, but the cable company said the next owners just want a transfer with a phone number change so at 10: am tomorrow I will be using hot spot communications until I get out west. The only cell is a track phone but the farther west I go the worse that will be.
My wife is crying about the great memories we are leaving, but for the life of me I can't remember anything here as great, I only remember pain, denial, people telling me I had to do what they wanted, and work.
Then I realized while I was being denied a life she was living one, as far as I am concerned the Great lakes can swallow this state, all the ideals and the egotism that is prevelent, I am not apologetic to those I have hurt, they started it, I am not apologetic for taking back my life, I owe no one here a thing as far as being loyal.
I was asked if there was a way I could consider leaving my wife here and me leaving, We would stay married and I would pay for her household, but it seemed that was a good solution, This was not my wife's suggestion, I said I leave, my money leaves and all ties are cut tomorrow morning except fore returns from utilities, all final bills are paid except medical, filed suit on insurance for then to get off their rear and get going along with about a 100000 others it seems. That's another sticking point with my father. I don't like having medical insurance that wont pay their parts.
I am not nice when I call them. I also wont consider paying for two households. and I keep our son due to her bi polar and inability to drive.
Her friends and my father feel I am being unfair, said you are taking her away from friends just for your own spite, and inability to let the past go.
I mentioned that I was not the one who suggested a new ease in time, the one started in 1985 has not worked, so why forget the past.
Today my wife has made her decision she leaves with me, her sister and her husband. We will be back home six or seven days from now. These friends here can drop dead. They were not my friends, they were my users.
My sister in law said what did the others want from me. I said my fealty, they are not getting it.
I ask. would you listen to a society and a father that wanted just to torment you, or would you lay your terms down and leave.

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I just saw a funny joke and wrote a response to it that may sum some of this up. Jokes are often funny because they contain large kernels of painful truth.

Pills,
The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection .
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm looking for a place to live, can you help me?

Could this be a possible follow-up for this story (or as Paul Harvey would say “The Rest of the Story”) and the relocation help you requested?

I don’t understand why in the world she would have a problem with this response. After all, she should understand that it’s tough for most guys to get excited about a woman who deliberately, systematically turns herself into a 250# +++ cow. This will be especially true if she was dead from the neck down for weeks, months or even years at a time when she was only 130# and hot stuff. All things considered, how can she expect instant attention and response after she doled out years worth of rejection and piled on the pounds to make sure he left her alone? She shouldn’t be surprised, this is a perfectly predictable ending to the story and ultimately the one she wanted.

Maybe you should give her this before your relocation.

To Brightonion

Walk away while you still can. Before I married my wife she asked me to wait until the wedding night so that it was special - even though we had both had prior relationships. I made the mistake of agreeing and have now endured a virtually sexless marriage for more than 28 years. I can tell you people don’t change. If you man does not want sex now he almost certainly never will and the OP is spot on with how it feels.

I am now more and more thinking that in my 50's it is now or never for me - but it is scary leaving a marriage that has lasted so long - despite the unending pain.

I divorced in my mid forties and despite the emotional and severe financial tolls it took on me, I can honestly say that I have never been happier than I am right now.

It takes time away from a sexless marriage to fully digest just how dysfunctional it really was. One knows it's bad when they're actually in it, but physical distance and the gift of time give major insight into just how wrong/unacceptable it really was.

Good luck to you wherever your journey takes you. 28 years? And you're only in your 50's? With all due respect, don't you think you owe it to yourself to actually enjoy YOUR life at some point? That may sound disrespectful, but I ask it earnestly.

I completely relate to this...sadly. I am in a relationship with a devoted, kind, funny and apparently normal kind of guy. Except we only have sex maybe once or twice a year. He doesn't compliment me on my looks, hardly holds my hands or initiates hugs or any form of physical closeness. He gives all kinds of reasons (e.g. tired, stress, we don't live together etc).<br />
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I am afraid cos we are talking about marriage and I love him very much but it would kill me if I went into this and realise I made a mistake. He assures me that things will change once we get our own place but my self esteem, confidence and self worth has been taking quite a blow. Should I trust him and take a chance? Or walk away when I've invested 5 years of time and effort into this relationship? Everything is great EXCEPT for this heart breaking fact.

Walk. Away.

Don't just walk away; RUN GIRL RUN! RUN, just as fast and far as you can as if you were on fire! I have spent 37 years in a marriage with one that is much as the one you describe. Promises, excuses, in 37 years there isn't an excuse or reason I haven't heard. What you will find is there will always be a reason for a cold dead fish being cold and dead. At this point you are only out 5 years. Consider yourself lucky that you aren't out 30 or 40 years. I just wish I had known before saying "I DO" what I know now. If I had, "I Do" would have been "Like Hell I will"!

I am in an almost similar situation. My heart breaks for you because only someone that has been in this situation knows the pain that you are enduring.

I was in a similar situation and I married him. He was the most wonderful guy I'd ever met, and although our physical relationship was not great I felt that it didn't matter because everything else about him was so wonderful. We have had sex about 5 times since we married nearly 3 years ago. When we talk about it it ends up in an argument, and he can't explain what the problem is, apart from the stress, tiredness, the kids. We have 3 kids between us. He criticizes my son, and from almost day one he stopped paying me any compliments. If I did something for him, he would point out the one thing I did wrong. He now says its because he thought I would leave him - but why would he think that as soon as we got married? He is not abusive like the other people mentioned here, he doesnt insult me, and he is making some changes which make me believe he may be able to change. But I'm not sure...

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Omg I feel like I could have written this so many if the things it says I have felt in my gut and have verbalized thank you so much for writing this it vindicated me

To All:<br />
I would just like to thank everyone who has posted on behalf of, ISELFLOVE. I just wanted to tell my story for all to see. I am the former husband to the poster, "glitterinmyveins". I'm sure you all remember her. Reference: (Oct. 4, 2010) <br />
I am a former Marine. I was married to, we'll call her gliter, for 5 years. In the begining everything was great. Life, love, and intimacy was great. I was deployed with the Marine Corps in 2005. Soon after I had discovered, through my sister, that my wife had moved in with another guy. After receiving this information I stopped sending money to her. This woman thought enough of herself to write our congresswoman a letter stating that I was not supporting her. The result was our congresswoman, "Missouri", calling my commanding officer to relay the message that I had to start sending her money again. I was irate. Not only was my wife living with another man, but I had to pay their bills too. Some time after returning home from the Marine Corps I began to persue my degree. She called me one day and ask me to have dinner. Against my better judgement I went; thus began a new relationship. Despite our past I decided to give it an honest shot. Our relationship was good once again. Time had past and she became more distant. She began to refuse any and all intimacy. This refusal, over time, cause additional problems within our relationship. I compromised myself in anyway possible to make her happy, thinking it woud make a difference. I had lost my sense of self-worth and knew that the problem was me. I tried to talk to her to, "get things in the open". I even went as far as to suggesting journals for when we had arguements. Instead of fighting we would write our disagreement in a journal and give it to the other person. I thought this would allow each side to better understand the others point-of-view. This lasted all of two days. I began to seek assistance in other places, which led me to this forum. Reading what everyone had to say and the logic behind it gave me a second wind. I decided to show her what ISELFLOVE had suggested. As you may have read already, she did not agree. I thank all who explained to her the simple logic. It was quite amusing to see her eat her own words. I just wanted to encourage everyone who is being, "dragged through the mudd". There is life on the otherside. I am now free of the neglect and you can be too. I am now in a great relationship with someone who is able to treat me in a fashion that I deserve. It's been a little over a year since this forum gave me the will to do what needed to be done. I should have realized much earlier, but after her post I realized the kind of person she was. I realized that my feelings for her were just that, "Mine". I am able to do with them as I please. So, I decided to give them to someone else. I am now in a caring relationship with someone who returns the intimacy, respect, and work. Every relationship takes work. I'm just glad I have finally found someone to share the load.

Well This is crazy I would suppose there is more men going through this. I am actually a woman 40 and married, SEX was great in the beginning when we were in our 20 even up to may be 30's that I recall. But ever since we bought a house in 2006 Sex is not that great , and guess what we have no children so that even sucks for me because everyone around me has had them .Everything came late in our lives while others got married and divorced with or without kids. I married at 32 years old got my house at 34 I have traveled, I even got oprated because I had fybroids when I was 37 to discover that thats why I was not getting pregnant. Oh Well, To give you a great example I have been documenting my dates of when I have sex So we had sex sometime in February and not until just recent May 13th, 2012. Tis is not normal. I do not consider myself a bad looking and still haver a decent body, I have to admit Im sexy , buy this is REALLY not normal how can a 41 man not desire his wife, funny thing I know he has no one else Hes with me .He actually smokes, drinks and a little overweight could that be the problem he is tired, as I am writing this post he is laying down, watching tv supposedly but I hear him snoring, He uses the excuse that I was a B____h today and using it as a mean of punishment. I have tried to converse with him but he makes me feel like Im wrong , and I told him analyze yourself and your rejections towards me and hes like yeah whatever. Please help me Thank you and sorry for venting because this has been going like this way too many times and rejection sucks

Every so often when I question if I have made a right decision as to whether or not I made the right decision about getting out of my own SM. I come read this. Just the medicine I need. Tanks :-)

I have been in a previous relationship that was sexless and robbed me of my self esteem. Now I thought I was involved with a good guy but it turns out he is much like the other one bahhh sick of ******** pretending to be good people.

You are fantastically correct in this. I was just telling an EP friend of mine that I think by refusing sex, W is in a way abusing me. It's been going on for 15 months and counting, and this is the second time this marriage has gone SM. The first time was almost 2 years. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Call me stupid for staying, but my two adorable kids are the one reason why I am here. Thanks for verbalizing what I have been thinking.

i just read this and i sill make excuses. I'm married 19 years. we have a child that I could never walk away from. Oh we do have sex once a month, but I feel like she's only doing it because she has to. She would never ask or even come over to kiss me other than to say hi or bye. Never any contact by her in a sexual way. As if its dirty or something. She wasn't like this before. I don't know when it started. I'm just tired of that alone feeling. I need to be held, loved and touched in that way only your lover can. It's been at least 10 years since my wife touched me that way. I still have not gone behind her back. But that will change soon.

damn...publish this so I can tape it on her pillow....feaking yes...it is abuse. Thanks for expressing it so well.

Like many of the previous posters here, I want to thank you for opening this discussion. I find that virtually 99% of all books, websites, advice forums, etc. advocate staying married - regardless of the situation (unless there's physical abuse involved). And they almost always assume the unhappy partner hasn't spent a significant amount of time and effort into trying to improve/save the marriage.<br />
<br />
What they all fail to recognize is that (a) it takes two people really trying to make it work, (b) usually the one who hasn't been trying only starts doing so when it's too late - and only because they don't want a divorce (for financial, religious, or social reasons, mostly), and (c) sex and physical affection are absolutely an integral part of love if both parties are relatively healthy. I fail to understand the huge disconnect between sex and love in these people's minds - it is almost as if they feel like sex is somehow dirty and/or "just physical" and therefore less important. Sex is NOT just physical (although it can be) - it is the way our bodies are designed to express the deepest admiration and love for someone.<br />
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It's also disturbing how the "denying" or abusive/selfish/ungiving spouse ends up somehow on the moral high ground and gets to play the martyr role. And yes - this is usually the wife, but not always. I also find it equally disturbing that we have become a society of cowards, too easily shamed into saying what is true because it doesn't fit into the "moral" majority. As far as I'm concerned it is immoral to expect a person to stay married when the their partner for years refuses to work on the marriage (including sex). It is immoral to use "ethics" or religion to subjugate anyone to this existence. Men, women, society, and the courts need to make divorce acceptable and even recommended IF real effort has been made to make the relationship work and it doesn't.

This is so true

Thank you for this post i am living with the sitution right now you made me feel as if i am not alone you clarified my thought of divorcing him and i am going to because i cannot live this way anymore you are right on when you say that divorce is the only answer one just cant try by themselves it is a no win contest thank you again.

Quietman, you're absolutely right. Our feminized society has the playing field necessary for compromise tilted against men. I haven't had sex in almost a year and a half. It's always my inability to fulfill her emotional needs. Whenever I bring it up, I'm to blame. If I leave, she keeps the kids, and needs the house because of it. She doesn't work, and despite rising costs to raise kids she's made no attempt to find employment. <br />
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The kids are older now, she doesn't need to be in the home all the time. She refuses to move or take any measures to reduce living costs. We both have MBAs and she once had a career. Why should I, or any husband, carry the entire burden to keep the family financially stable, try to figure out his wife's vague emotional needs, and in the process suffer celibacy?<br />
<br />
Certainly my comments could hold for any woman in a similar situation. But it's a more common situation for men. Women are liberated to control their bodies. Men have to take it without complaint or be labeled a sexual predator.

The irony in not telling the refused marriage partner the reason(s) for the unwillingness to make love is that the refuser will often tell a close friend or, ( God forbid ) someone that they ARE physically involved outside the relationship, the exact reason(s) for the denial of relations with their significant other.<br />
For those stating the sex is not important in a marriage, thats what sex was made for; the context of marriage. How could something God made for marriage not be important?

My wife stopped having sex and sleeps on the couch. She gets a disgusting look when ever I mention sex. It seems a burden to her when I ask for a hug , she just pats me on the back. Married 9 years 59 years old. I am totally beside myself and feel rejected and used. I work in her business 10 hours a day 7 days a week without pay. What a fool.

My wife stopped having sex and sleeps on the couch. She gets a disgusting look when ever I mention sex. It seems a burden to her when I ask for a hug , she just pats me on the back. Married 9 years 59 years old. I am totally beside myself and feel rejected and used. I work in her business 10 hours a day 7 days a week without pay. What a fool.

OMG you just wrote about my life. Whilst I have been trying to maintain honour (his and mine) I have been in denial about the fact that is IS emtional abuse. Your words are so clear and true I can't deny them (to myself) because underneath the everyday struggle those are the feelings I've been experiencing. Your words give me courage to go on believing I can make it out of this. Tentative exit plan in place- scared to death, but must keep trying. I hope I reach the other side as you have and find the life I know I should be experiencing with or without a future man. Because it surely can't be any lonlier and exhausting than it is right now.

very very well said and oh so true, I too have written a non blaming love letter to my hubby and have had no response, have tried talking and all I get is your ******* me off, so now I will use your letter as a guideline to my next and final letter to him, hopefully this will help him see the light in what is happening in our relationship..thank you so much for inspiring us all

SO... what do we do, as a female, in the meantime?? Stick around for the kids sake? Yes, at this point, we are simply roomates...

What about emotional, verbal and physical abuse as a reason for just not wanting sex with the person. I want sex, but I don't want to have it with someone who constantly criticizes and complains, a person who doesn't want to offer the type of intimacy needed to invoke the desire to be sexual with one's spouse. Talk about a mood killer....Real love is about acceptance; it is unconditional and giving, being kind, thoughtful, considerate. If you don't have that much, then it ain't love, it's just sex.

Dear bambootree...<br />
I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you, and the added pressure of him ultimately being alone and in a nursing facility is understandable. That's not your problem but I understand that you have your own views about it. But I'd like to offer you some advice...<br />
<br />
You say that he is impotent, but how come he's not interested whatsoever in bringing you any type of sexual closeness other than intercourse? Does he feel so ashamed or so worthless that he cannot bring himself to bring you any type of pleasure? This is not normal. Impotency, yes, that is normal. No outward ex<x>pression, no affection, no other source of sexual pleasure? That is not normal. There are soooo many other things he can do to satisfy you...he can rock your world if he only tried. What's holding him back? Perhaps you need to actually SHOW him what you'd like. Geez...if you tell him exactly how to please you and then he still does not do it, then where is YOUR quality of life? Neither of you are bed-ridden in a nursing home yet...isn't there something both of you can do to bring back the intimacy? This is said, of course, unless he is a genuine refuser.<br />
<br />
Good luck to you both. And thank you for reading my stories/comments.

It's very interesting to read "Iselflove" writing and opposite comments too.<br />
<br />
I wish I could email Iselflove's writing to my husband who not only refused initimacy with me but scolded me whenever i initiated intimacy.<br />
<br />
The problem is what is the result of sending him all these words? I know for sure that nothing will change or happen. His impotency is caused by illness, nothing much he can do about it. We dicussed about our sexless marrigage many times and we agreed that we can have "alternative sex" instead of traditional intercourse. However he never did that, he rather completely ignore anything to do with intimacy. The fact that made me angry with him is he didn't try anything and doesn't care my feeling. I can't imagine how a person can be so cruel???<br />
<br />
We don't have children together. I am not leaving him because he will end up in nursing home and die alone if I am not there with him.

For foolishnessinmyveins, I don't know whether you are married or not but the reality is that sex is a part of marriage and if you don't like sex, skip any and all love relationships. Now, that being said, I do fully agree with you that denying your partner sex is not abuse but it can make your spouse feel worthless. Both partners need to find a way to work through this issue and if the one refusing to connect stubbornly continues to resist all efforts at repairing the marriage, especially after a period of a decade plus, it's probably time to move on. No one should stay where they're not wanted after all attempts are rejected.

Dear thomasthetank...<br />
<br />
Thanks for disclosing the intimate details you just wrote. I now understand how you feel. My STBXH had no desire for me but I can still understand how it must make you feel when he grabs you, gropes you and expects sex. It must make you feel like he doesn't respect you or the fact that you need real sleep after being up with the children all day and night and working so hard. <br />
<br />
Maybe, just maybe, he doesn't look at it this way. Maybe it's his way of connecting with you after you've been apart because of the kids and work. Maybe he thinks nighttime is the only time he can literally reach out and touch you. But that is not fair to you. You deserve to be loved throughout the day...in some type of affectionate way...and not just in the middle of the night when you need to let your body and mind rest in order to deal with the next day's responsibilities. <br />
<br />
I think counseling would benefit both of you. It would also be great to plan some 'alone time' together, but the flipside to a dirty weekend is that if people can't make love in their own marital bed and need to rent one in a hotel, then the problems are much bigger than just stealing a weekend away together.<br />
<br />
Good luck to both of you. I hope things work out. If the marriage is strong enough and the love is real and still there everyday, then I think there's hope for both of you. The key is communicating your feelings to each other.

The answer to your question is no we don't really cuddle or kiss and I have discussed things with him many times, there are times I really want to hold him and caress him but see the thing is then it has to be sex as caressing or any affection means sex so I don't do anything anymore for that reason which I have tried to discuss as well, at one stage my husband had a nervous breakdown and he was on tablets and he said he was so sorry for the things he done and would stop harassing me which lasted ooh maybe a months the empty promises are endless so there is so much resentment on my side and I know that is my problem and I have to deal with that but don't know how to get rid of it. We had a great marriage and I loved him so much and after having kids the pressure he put on me for sex and all the other pressures (like me having a affair), having two children under 2 and working five days a week, I needed support as well which I feel I wasn't given as it was all about him getting sex and harassing me for it which has made sex into a duty and not fun and loving anymore. Don't get me wrong I think about sex but like you said it has become an isssue in the mind and that I don't know how to fix. Maybe I should see a counsellor and see what happens and fix me and my thoughts then maybe work on the marriage side? I just really wondered if there was anyone else out there who gets harassed for sex and how they feel , as I am anxious about going to sleep at night as he might wake me up, if I move he thinks it is a move, I have discussed this with him so my question is if he really loved and respected me why would you keep trying why no lay of and maybe I could initiate sex. He was married before and his wife cheated on him and left him for a guy on the internet so I can understand his insecurities but like i keep saying I am not his ex wife and I wouldn't cheat even though at times I would love to just so he can say I knew you would and be done with it. I feel he has taken all my abilities to show him I love him as it is all about sex with him no in between how do I make him understand that.

Dear thomasthetank...I hope things get better for you and your husband. As you said, it goes way deeper than just the act of sex...that's what sucks about sexless marriage...it's lack of sexual intimacy. Everybody gets tired, and from what I've heard from lots of women is that woman (and men, too) get physically and emotionally exhausted from parenthood...and that's normal and to be expected. Parenting has got to be the hardest "job" ever. Geez, I get exhausted just after babysitting my nephews so I have a taste of how exhausted parenting must be. But do you find that you and your husband don't even hug or kiss or cuddle? Are you both at least affectionate towards each other? Do you and he kiss and say (remind) 'I love you' every day? <br />
<br />
In a sexless marriage these things usually don't happen...one says I love you and the other just rolls over. Or, one brings up the subject of sexlessness and the other denies the problem and acts like everything is fine. It's hard on the refused because they don't know why they're being rejected. If you're just plain tired...then do you still show him love in all sorts of other ways? And really, how much effort does it take to give a *******? That depends on the kind of girl you are, but even if you're super tired, wouldn't you want to give him at the very least, 5 minutes? Same thing goes for men...it doesn't take much to make women happy...it's not how long you do it, it's the fact that you want to do it. That's how I view it. And when you're not in bed, it's the kissing and cuddling which convey the love and leave no doubt how you feel about them. Not doing anything sexual makes them feel as if they are unwanted and hurts. And not explaining why you're not doing anything makes matters worse. <br />
<br />
If you're too tired (not you, but an example) than be honest and not have half-arsed, and rushed lovemaking, but if you're just saying you're too tired because you don't even desire your partner, then you're just an arse and a coward. Again, not you, honestly...just refusers in a general sense. <br />
<br />
Maybe you could tell him that you are just plain exhausted and then set the clock a little early, before the children need you, and have a pleasant time with each other in bed doing whatever...at least something to keep the flame lit. Because once a flame dies it ususally doesn't come back.<br />
<br />
Good luck to you.

I would say that if you love your husband you would want to be intimate with him (I just don't get `tiredness' as an excuse, have an early night with him!)...however the way he has gone about it isn't exactly romantic, it's as if he's effectively pestering you. If you want to save your marriage it does need to be addressed, especially if he's not talking to you. Not talking to you means that he is disengaging himself from the marriage. Take it from me. <br />
<br />
I think your doctor is an idiot, she's basically saying that this is the way that it is after children. It isn't, not if you want to stay married. Of course children are a priority, but there is time for intimacy if you really want it. The fact is it seems you don't really want it, but want to keep your husband. Unfortunately for you, you cannot expect him to shut his sex drive down. <br />
<br />
He does sound the jealous type, and someone whose first priority does not seem to be pleasing you, so it may be your lack of desire stems from his difficulty in making you feel good. It may not be too late, but if you're not talking, then it might be closer than you think. If he has other plans he is not likely to tell you in advance. His not talking is a sign that you really need to try and address this with him, and if it is really that difficult to be intimate with him, accept that for him that situation cannot continue indefinitely. Good luck.

I have read all of the posts and it has been very interesting and I am the refuser and have never looked at things from all sides and although I must say you now make me feel like I have been abusing my husband for eight years, I feel this is not quite true, when there is no sex it goes deeper then just refusing sex. I had my first child eight years ago and was pregnant again within three months, working full time in child care so I was very tired when I got home and sex began to become less important to me however my husband saw this as I was cheating he would harass me all night for sex, waking me up at least four or five times a night ( which he still does) I would wake up to him touching me so I felt that I was abused as this was my body and don't feel you have a right to help yourself really. I was accused all the time of having an affair so i didn't go to the shops anymore without the children as I didn't want him to think I was meeting someone, so I also started to not see my friends as much because once again it wasn't worth the argument it would cause when I got home. I have tried for years to talk to him about how he makes me feel and lets go to counselling but he says there is something wrong with me because i don't want to have sex it is not that i don't it is just that I want to be respected which means listening to my wants as well. I guess we are both to blame and I don't withold sex with him to hurt him like I said before it goes deeper then that. Please do you have any advice for me as I do want to save this marriage but do feel the pain and hurt we have caused eachother has gone to far. I have started to see my friends again and he has become more trusting of me or maybe he just doesn't care anymore I don't know as he won't talk to me> He is a great father and a really good man and has come from an abusive home. When this first started I thought there was something wrong with me and went to the doctor and asked if there was anything to improve my sex drive and she told me that if she had a dollar for every woman who came in here after having children with a low sex drive she would be a millionaire. She said women's priority becomes their children and the man's priority is to reproduce that is how we are wired, so I guess we can look at it from many different angles and it is not just black and white. Advise please or comments.

WOW!!! 78 Coments. This one stirred quite the debate. EXCELLENT post ISELFLOVE. Perhaps next week we could start a race riot...LOL.. Just kidding. Lord I might have done just that. I crack me up!!

VivaLasBaby: and your point is ??

Hey shitinyourveins: there are about 11,000 people in this arena shouting ABUSER at you right now. How does it feel?<br />
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BTW - no one MADE our spouses marry us, therefore, MAKING them have sex with us. You see, they used to. We liked it. We thought 'Hey! I know! Let's get married! Then we can be monogamous and share our lives and bodies with each other for life! Hell yeah! Let's do it!'<br />
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Then… (**POOF**)… magically, the carpet was pulled out from under us. No more sex life. No more intimacy. No more happy marriage.<br />
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Don't you for ONE SECOND think ANY of us are MAKING our spouses do anything they don't want to. Because if we were, we wouldn't be here. We just want them to want us. That's it.<br />
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Now, excuse me, as I am going to make my way over to the 'I LIKE TO SNIFF MY DOG'S BUTT' experience so some idiot can CONVINCE me that it's really, really awesome and stuff.

glitterinmyveins...firstly, I think you mispelled 'diluted'; it's 'deluded' which I am not.<br />
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Secondly, you are the one who needs to be educated on the definition of 'emotional abuse'. DEFINITION: Emotional/Psychological abuse is referred to in the professional literature by many interchangeable terms such as: emotional abuse, covert abuse, psychological maltreatment, coercive abuse, abuse by proxy, and ambient abuse.<br />
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Psychological/emotional abuse involves behavior patterns that involve one or all of the following: Rejecting, Degrading, Terrorizing, Isolating, Corrupting/Exploiting, Denying Emotional Responsiveness (Garbarino, 1994). <br />
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Emotional abuse is the systematic, patterned and chronic abuse that is used by a perpetrator to lower a victim's sense of self, self-worth and power (Mezey, Post & Maxwell, 2002).<br />
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Constant criticism, demeaning behaviors, threats, use of male/parent privilege, withholding affection or threatening abandonment for non-compliance with abuser’s demands and personal humiliation are further consistent, on-going tactics of the emotional/psychological abuser (Pilowsky, 1993; Parkeer, 1996; Follingstad, 1990; Marshall, 1996; Hoffman, 1984; Alexander, 1993, Chang, 1996; Jacko, 1995; Loring, 1997). <br />
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The continuous and unrelenting patern of emotional abuse is often interspersed with warmth and kindness to create an “in and out” of bonding. (Loring, 1997). <br />
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'Nuff said.

Glitter, I think you are in the wrong forum. . . "I am an Asexual" is just up the road . . . !!!

oh and don't force such strong judgements onto people that you don't know and have no idea of their situations. You disgust me. I'm sorry that you are having troubles in your life, really I am, but how dare you call out so called "abusers" ba<x>sed on your OPINION. Just who do you think you are? You need to look up abuse or maybe experience it firsthand and then start shelling out advice on the topic. It absolutley infuriates me that you would convince these people that they are with an "abuser" or make someone feel as if they are an "abuser" when you obviously DONT know the definition of the word itself. Get an education or maybe even a life. You're twisted.

Wow way to sound like a real ****. I, for one choose what i do with MY body , hence the word MY, and not having sex is a choice. not emotional abuse. Wow if thats abuse to you then you need a slap in the face to welcome you to the real world. I am VERY VERY VERY offended by your article and am saddened that I wasted my time even reading it. Anyone who believes this crock of **** you're writing here is just as diluted as you are. The only thing "NOT ACCEPTABLE" is making someone feel as if they HAVE TO HAVE SEX because if they don't then they're abusers. Wow I'm really glad that I dont know you personally because you need help.

divorcedunicorn...I just read your comment and want to tell you a few things...<br />
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I appreciate what you said about BOTH partners suffering in a sexless marriage. As it turned out, my soon-to-be-ex husband had been suffering from depression for decades on top of substance and alcohol and **** addictions. I knew he had been depressed but had no idea he had suffered from it since his childhood. <br />
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I'm sorry to hear about your divorce, but I am glad that you and he will not have to endure an emotionally painful relationship any longer. It's so hard to let go of someone you truly love, but in a sexless marriage without any real hope or signs that it will get better, it's like your partner forces you leave them in order to end the very real suffering they had inflicted on you. <br />
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And regarding what he said about not being attracted to you anymore, well, I hope you realize that it was NOT about you; HE had an issue with sexual intimacy...that was probably a way for him to not have to face the truth about his own sexual hang-up. <br />
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Good luck with your divorce and thanks for your comments.<br />
>>>hug<<<

My husband and i were both virgins when we got married. We were high school sweet hearts and had been together 7 years before we got married.We wanted to waite till marriage because we were young and thougt it was the right thing to do and wanted to be on our way to getting our own place before we had sex. When the honeymoom came my husband was unable to performe. i thought it was just first time jitters and explaned to my husband that it was normal. I expected we would try again and we never did. We spent the rest of the honeymoon watching HGTV, not how pictured my honeymoon. All my advances and atempts to talke about the issue after the honeymoon were met with refusal and anger. He always had an excuse not to like being to tired or having to much work to do. We normally did not have this much trouble comunicating when it came to other issues but when I tryied talking to him about this one it seemed we could not say anything to each other with out hurting each other. My sugestions that we get councelling or try getting some kind of helpwere refused mutiple times. he began to get emotioally distant as well as phiscally. I began to feel isolated, rejeted, perverted for wanting him,and lonley.We began to fight about the issue alot and seemed to be getting knowhere. because of the stress i was under and deperssion i experinced dealing with the issue i gained weght. This july he told me he was no longer atracted to me and felt to much pressur to have sex. We are now in the process of a divorce. we were married 2 years. I am actually relieaved to be out of the relationship because i had never felt so alone as i diwhen we were married. What i learned is a sexless marrage is extreamly hurtfull for both parties involved and is unfair for both the people. The person denied feels feelings of rejection and neglect because sex is one of our basic needs and the person who is refusing usually is dealing with a phisical or emotinal issue that the person may find impossible to accept. I hope this helps some one. I found this post to be verry helpfull.

sisyfos, here is another way to look at it in context. Sexual intimacy is vital to a close relationship with a spouse. Nobody would deny that. To deny that intimacy can cause SERIOUS emotional damage to a spouse. Now to the refuser it isn't seen as a big thing because they are "NOT INTERESTED". I look at it this way. Let's say a spouse is really sick & needs the husband/wife to go pick up a presc<x>ription from the drug store. It may be totally incovenient for them to go pick it up. The kids are on his/her last nerve. He/she worked a long hard day, stresses are everywhere so he/she doesn't really FEEL like doing it. But they do. Why? Because they care about the well being of their spouse. They would go to the ends of the earth to keep their spouse from feeling sick. Why would that same spouse then deny something as basic a need as expressing love in a way that is vital to the health of a marriage?<br />
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Nobody in this group would EVER advocate being sexual with a spouse who is abusive, an alcoholic or any other destructive behavior. In my first marriage there were many times that maybe I "wasn't in the mood" for sex with my wife. But 99% of the time I did it that day anyway. I am sure she did the same for me. Why? Because we recoqnized that it is a vital part of marriage. We each wanted to truly please the other & maintain a healthy marriage. Basicly if it was important to one we made it important to the other. Now yes there were occassions where we didn't. Neither of us expected the other to when there was a valid reason. <br />
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The cases represented here are people who have suffered through years of neglect from their spouse. The spouses only concern is what makes themselves happy & to hell with your needs type stuff. In most it goes way beyond just sex. We accept that there are sometimes valid reasons & medical issues. With most here the problem comes when the refuser will do NOTHING to address these problems. They are just to self centered to do ANYTHING to help aliviate the pain they are causing their spouse. <br />
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In my marriage there actually is a valid reason. MY beloved is suffering from liver disease & considered terminal. So NO I do not expect her to make love with me. I come here to learn how to cope. She really would change it if she could. She even does something to "help me". At first I wouldn't even let her because I didn't want to be self centered. What I discovered was it really upset her that I wouldn't let her do this for me. Why? Because denying her that was just as bad. It made her feel like less of a wife & a woman. So a BIG difference is that despite her "NOT FEELING LIKE IT" she has real desire to do something so vital to my well being. It is also her way of saying thank you for all I do as a caregiver. Each of us puts our own needs secondary to the needs of the other. THAT makes for a happy marriage. Did that help?

sisyfose....You asked what the 'context' is in a sexless marriage. In a sexless marriage , a REFUSER does not communicate to their spouse any reason for their witholding of sexual intimacy and THEREIN LIES THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE. The Refused partner tries to help them, they initiate discussions on 'the issue', they are patient, understanding, caring and supportive all the while their partner either denies they have a problem or worse, blames their loving spouse instead of taking responsibility. They go about the marriage as if nothing is wrong despite the knowledge that they are causing serious emotional pain to their spouse. Their spouse's feelings simply do not matter. Even their spouse's anxiety, high blood pressure and permanent state of confusion, frustration and unhappiness are not enough to motivate them to take responsibility and right this wrong. They believe it is acceptable to behave in this hurtful way. Their 'problem' could be anything; depression, intimacy issues, erectile dysfunction, low self-esteem, past sexual abuse...but instead of honest communication with their spouse they choose to either ignore, deny or belittle their loved one. This endless cycle of witholding a reason, an excuse, an appology, an effort to make things better...THIS IS THE CONTEXT of the emotional abuse in a sexless marriage. <br />
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And the most ironic aspect of all of this is that IF a time comes when a Refuser actually reaches the end of their rope, IF they summon up the courage to actually leave their spouse, IF they have the balls to realize that THIS IS A LOSING BATTLE and they DESERVE BETTER and they LOVE themselves enough to not SETTLE FOR LESS, ironically their refuser spouse is somehow surprised, even shocked that their spouse has the nerve to actually leave them.

I can't really jump on board this one. It's like saying, If Jack gave George a punch on the nose, he's committed a crime. What is the context? Who has done what, to whom? For example, say that an emotionally abused wife starts 'withholding' since she's totally put off and angry? It's also worth saying the 'withholding' is a possible misinterpretation, how about "totally NOT interested." In other words, it's NOT directed against the other, maybe it's hormonal.

good post. You are correct that it is not right and certainly not normal. what else is going on?

I have to say I want to cry. You have said everything I have felt and more. I thought I was going crazy. You are a blessing to be able to put in words what I feel. Thank you!! Some advise from you would go along way. Please message me if you could give me some suggestions. Great Post!!

KatNW1...You don't need 'guts' to tell your spouse these things, you need "self love" and EVERY HUMAN BEING deserves this, and you have the right to stand up for yourself. You could calmly, rationally, in soft words tell them that you are hurting, that they are causing the hurt, that you want the marriage to get better, that you care enough to bring this touchy subject up. Maybe they will finally understand that they need to take responsibility for their actions and be proactive. Maybe it will fall on deaf ears (again?). Maybe you will love yourself enough to eventually say that enough is enough and that it is UNACCEPTABLE and that you will not continue to accept it if you are the only one fighting for the marriage. LOVE YOUR SELF. Good luck to you >>>hug<<<

I told my wife these things for many years, I begged, I asked, I did all the things asked of me, but every time I would say something she would say what's going on, I told you that one day things can be normal but you still are trying to get things your way there is not a week when me and your father have to scr5eam, cajol, withhold something from you to get you to do what is right.
Well now I don't care what they think is right, I took my due from my wife, She is to afraid to refuse any longer, I wont let my father come to my home and cry at me about how his friends are really angry that I insinuated myself into the last two cook outs. I frankly think they can step of a tall building, If is at my house, with my equipment, From Memorial day forward where my wife is I shall be. I told her her days of messing around are over, I told my mother that she had better get my father to understand If my wife is invited its automatic I am.
My sister said that when my mother told my father that he started complaining of chest pain. She said my mother told him that he WAS going to have to get used to the reality I was not going to stand for his BS any longer.
My father has been trying to tell me how what I was forced to do for so many years made a better man of me. I said if I am the better man why am I still excluded, I said I do know why these things happened. It was not to make me the better man, it was not even the feeling that I had to be the one to be the good guy, It was for brownie points, See my son is allowing you and your family to have a better life, Oh he really doesn't need to have time off. As far as my wife was concerned see the pretty wife my son has. She knows everything that there is to know about how to set a party up, of course my son neglects her, He has no manners.
One of my od supervisors call at my fathers request. He was telling me that, I was always the best choice because every job I did. I was good at. That the only trouble they ever had out of me was when I was really tired of being in the plant, but everyone has a family, most really would have screwed he job up if they were required to work. You were just the best choice. I said good now you can chose to get off my back, Because your next request is not going to happen, My father can go ahead and have his heart attack, You can cry because your boy won't be escorted by my wife. She can cry about not having privacy with other people, and I can be the one that is in the drivers seat now. I am not stopping her from walking out the door and picking a direction, She could even be picked up by you or my father, but as you know after Saturday and your boy getting hurt, the only reason my wife is back home is by court order because of the guardianship. I also mentioned that the judge has also given her a warning. She can become a ward of the state, But with the various charges that your husband can file it will be 20 years before the state will free her.
There are charges being investigated by the Justice department too. He said yes memos have been flying from as far away as Milan about how the contract and senoraty rights will be strikly obeyed, They even bought in a contract compliance officer from corporate, Posted his number. Your father knows how much you have turned things upside down even five tears after you retired you are causing trouble now. He is right your refusal to back down now is coming to roost.
Life for people was already hard, now its harder, We are not allowed to pick and choose the ones we want working, We have to make sure if a man worked 2 weekends even if the third is 100% we have to allow the man or woman the weekend off, holidays are to be run like that to, we cant just simply pick the one to work we have to run the list the if there is a need we have to force the youngest senority that is qualified.
He said he saw grown men crying when they were told they were not going to get to play golf. He said one man he had to force to work was going to a concert he was looking forward to. My old supervisor said he has seven more years before he retires and I made his job a thousand times harder with all the civil rights, and fairness they have to follow now. I said my heart bleeds for you. I said I assume you want too come to my home again on labor day, that's the reason you called, you are hoping to appeal to a better nature. I can see it after what happened with your boy Saturday. Well I don't have a better nature thanks to what you, my wife and father did. I am no longer your employee, I don't have to be your friend, I especially don't have to rack up brownie points, and keep in your or my fathers good graces, as far as what happened with your boy. tell him if he ever shows his face here again, I am not a forgiving person. You can tell my father what he already knows. My house, my wife, my equipment. He does not have a thing to say.

"Not discussing the problem just makes it fester and causes additional problems".<br />
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That was the best thing you wrote

I too used your post.. brilliant.... sent it to my partner today..

msbamalady...I agree, you should get out while you still can. It sounds like there is NO LOVE between either of you, and I fear for your safety. At the very least, please tell someone...a relative, a friend, the authorities, and see what your options are...YOU DO HAVE OPTIONS...they may seem impossible and very difficult to actually carry through with, but you have to protect yourself and you need to do is now. I could be wrong, I am not a therapist, but it sounds like your marriage is way past "therapy or couples counseling". I understand that he is mentally and physically ill, but you cannot help him if he doesn't want to help himself. You said that he says that he loves you, but the battery and verbal abuse say otherwise. Please seek help before it's too late. His physical and verbal assaults on you have, in your own words, made you feel dead inside...please get out of this relationship while you still have some love for yourself.

msbama, There is never a good reason to stay in a physically abusive relationship. Get out and get out now. <br />
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I must warn you if your mate is physically abusive then I would not be playing the "withholding sex " game with him. There is no good that can come from this. I have had this used as tool against me for fourteen years and would never retaliate physically. I can't say the same for your spouse who crossed that line already. I don't think anyone on this site would find fault with you refusing sex. My concern is if you should reconcile with him you will not be ready for a sexual relationship for a long time. I doubt your H will be as patient as the posters here. Be careful and good luck.

I am guilty of this withholding sex with my mate and the reason is he has physcaley and emotionaly battered me for 17 months of being with him . Oh god , the things he as done and said . I don't want him touching me . Its like everything inside of me has died . He doesn't understand . He says he loves me but all the things we have been thur says no no . He is sick , bipolar and lots of health problems . I do not in anyway trust him . So many lies I have heard . Our last argument he left the house at 1pm got home and got back at 2 in the morning yet he hadn't been anywhere or done anything wrong ! Its a laugh !

I'm a brand new member here...this was the first post I happened to read and I think it's fantastic...I'm going to share it with my husband who thinks having sex once a month for 5 minutes at a time is the norm.

ISL, thank you for this post. I'm going to save it in my blog. If I was still in my SM, I would have sent it to my spouse. <br />
And as far as whether this is abusive or not ... Our marriage counselor told me that it was emotional abuse, but even then it took a long time for me to accept that my "loving" spouse could be abusing me.

Patabcdef has stated the position of many of us here very clearly and with compassion. And Iselflove's story remains valid and rings true also.<br />
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Whilst I acknowledge that pathologising is not always helpful, I wonder why some people are so reluctant to name certain conditions for what they truly are. As a person with a long standing mental illness myself, I feel qualified to say that categorising can be useful and is not necessarily destructive.<br />
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I think it is also important to recognise that the "abuser" may not be intending to abuse - or even aware that s/he is abusing . . . But the outcome of the behaviour is still abuse. <br />
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And I totally concur with the point that "Refuser" spouses who do NOT seek (or agree to seek) help for the situation, even when they are fully aware of their spouses' pain, ARE abusive . . . and intentionally so. If you truly love someone, and you KNOW you are hurting them badly, AND refuse to do anything to reduce or address that pain, then you ARE guilty of deliberate abuse IMO . . . .

That's all very valid.<br />
I don't believe that everything is always black and white and people aren't always seeking to intend harm even though they may be doing so.<br />
In the end if the other partner isn't communicating, seeking help and is causing harm in some way that is upsetting (emotional) then in my opinion it's up to the other person to reflect on their dynamic and role in the relationship and get help and therapy if they choose.<br />
It's easy to pathologize the other person in a relationship and in it's own way that can be harmful and also abusive.

It may not be that simple. For example if your other half has been sexually abused they might not be intentionally withholding sex. People can only won up to what they know. They might not understand their behavior. Yes it can be passive aggressive behavior but not always.