So Misled

I have been married for almost 2 years now, and have been without sex for 1 year. My husband and I had been together for 3 years previously and broke it off due to him being unable to show me affection. We were apart for 6 months, and when he discovered I had started dating again, he wanted me back big-time. He went to all lengths to have me, and when I fell for his line he proposed. At the time he proposed, I was being checked for cancer...I even asked him what he would do if all my hair fell out, etc. His line: I'll love you anyway. I bought it, hook, line, and sinker.
Two months before our marriage, I had to have a hysterectomy. Two weeks after surgery, I moved in with him. Things were fine, the marriage was done in November, and by Christmas that first year I had to move out of the bedroom. I worked a very demanding job in a hospital, and was on call 5 days a week. There were nights that I worked all night and the next day, and wanted nothing more than peace and quiet to rest. My husband on the other hand, loved to leave the tv on full blast at night, and wouldn't even let me change the channel or turn down the volume when he was sleeping. So, most nights I got around 2 hours of sleep if I was lucky, and I started sleeping in the living room.
Due to my hysterectomy, I have gained about 45 pounds. I am 5'9, and previously was 130 pounds and very unhealthy. I was sick all the time, had no immunity, and looked like the dead walking. I am unable to take hormones due to severe reactions to them affecting my joints to the point that I hurt to walk, and as a consequence I gained weight. I'm practically starving myself, but the weight stays no matter what I do. I am active, work outside in the garden and yard, and stay as fit as possible.
However, about a year ago my husband said that he's not attracted to me, and has never been attracted to "heavy" girls. I wear a size 12...is that too heavy? It's been a year since I've been hugged or kissed, or had sex. I look at myself and don't see an ugly person. I see someone who is attractive, but not skinny anymore. My husband is 5'8 and weighs 195 pounds. He's chunky, but I have never held that against him.
I am just so tired of wanting love, affection, and sex. I've been thinking of having an affair, but I know that won't solve things. I do love him, but am not in love with him anymore. I've seen him for what he is, and I feel that he never truly loved me to begin with. He just didn't want someone else to have me. I just don't know what to do. I am a Christian, and don't want to divorce, but most of the time I'm asking myself why I stay...what's in it for me? He fishes all the time, and leaves me at home alone. Even when he's home, I'm alone. He goes straight to bed after his shower, even eats in bed, and doesn't willingly spend time to talk to me or anything. He gets angry if I interrupt his tv to try to talk. I don't know what to do...all I know is that I'm so very unhappy wanting a marriage and closeness that it should have.
sexlessinmo sexlessinmo
36-40, F
12 Responses Jul 22, 2010

My advice is to get out and not to bother looking back. He's afucking loser...and a horrible excuse for a husband.<br />
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Also, it shouldn't matter is you're a size 2 or a 22...love comes in all sizes and if he's thatfucking shallow then that's just another reason to say buh-bye.

I think dartist raises an important point in the keeping of vows. Many of us think of divorce as breaking of a promise made before God, but few of us consider the breaking of the vows inside the union. You make the promise in good faith that your partner will uphold their responsibilities as you do yours. When a spouse fails to do so, they have essentially broken the vows already. It's rarely seen that way, with the exception of abuse, infidelity, etc. Take for example the willful withholding of sex, versus having sex outside the marriage. Popular opinion sees the former as trivial and the latter as terminal. In truth both are wrong and contravene the principles of a typical Christian union. I'm not advocating divorce necessarily, only that one should consider it ob<x>jectively. <br />
TW

I just don't know what to say...you all understand exactly what I'm going through. I didn't realize that this was as common as it seems to be, I felt like I was the only one not having closeness or intimacy in marriage. You are right, nobody on the outside sees how things are here, they assume that we're a happily married couple, and those I've talked to express disbelief when I tell them how things truly are. He's a good deceiver, I'll give him that, no one has a clue as to how he truly is.<br />
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Thank you so much for all the encouragement, and the advice...I've needed to get this out into the open for a long time and it helps to be on here reading stories and comments from people who are just like me.

12 large? No way. I'm a 14. My ex was a large man. He just lookin to confuse you. It aint your size or ya hair color or anything like that. He just aint in the game. <br />
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Check out if you could have sugar. Metabolic symdrome/insulin resistance are first dance steps to the not so nice disease of diabetes. Not sayin anything wrong with your weight. Just check to make sure as diabetes can cause heart issues and other problems. Do it for you. As a nurse, I see cardiac patients turn up with high sugar and new dx of diabetes to go home from heart attack care.

Your story has a great similarity to my own, sexlessinmo and let me assure you that being a size 12 is not the reason your husband acts like this towards you. He found an excuse that he knew you would buy into and is using this as justification for his disrespect to you, his wife. <br />
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I am also quite disturbed at his actions regarding the disruption of your much needed sleep. Proper rest is essential for both physical and emotional well being and also causes the body to hold onto weight. Stress causes the "fight or flight" response in one's body and it naturally holds onto stored energy that results in a hard time losing weight for some people. When I attended Weight Watchers, the leader talked about the body and our need for proper rest and the need for keeping everything in proper balance. When a person is happy and rested our bodies recognize this and act accordingly. I hope this helps you understand why you find losing weight a battle and recognize this as not a failure but a natural response to lack of rest and an unhappiness in your life. <br />
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Your husband is also quite canny as he knows that if he can demean you into thinking that you are unattractive, this tightens his hold on you. Who would want a woman who is a size twelve? My dear woman, so many men love a full figured woman and you are actually below the norm in size for the average woman. He is eroding your self confidence and I consider this abusive behavior. Our partners are supposed to lift us up and not say or do things to hurt us. <br />
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As for your religious beliefs? I respect all peoples rights to worship and believe as they wish however Christianity, from my personal experiences, appears to be a religion mainly controlled by men for their own agendas. The original tenants of Christianity have been edited over the years to suit certain purposes thus the great angst that so many people of this belief are facing as you now are facing. <br />
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The Bible states that God loves us more then we love our own children. What parent would want their child to live treated in this way? There is a basic thread that runs through all of the great religions of this earth and this is to treat people with love and compassion. How much greater should this be with one's life partner? Your husband and his cruel actions towards you has voided one of the greatest expectations and rights that marriage should have and this is to be supporting and loving to his wife. <br />
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A true man with love for others in his heart would never treat another as you are being treated. He is taking you for granted and devaluing you as a human being. Would you accept this behavior from a friend? Would he treat a friend in this way? If not, then why do people think it appropriate to treat their chosen partner this way? Because they can. Because he knows your faith in the vow of marriage and is using this as a tool against you but he has voided his vows to you. He is breaking the contract. <br />
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We are given this marvelous gift of life and the capacity to love and to receive love. With love, every thing in this beautiful world is magnified. The ordinary becomes extraordinary. Every day is an adventure filled with promise and anticipation. The simple acts of living are elevated with the joining of two souls committed to always doing their best for one another. Two people become joined in common bonds and goals and constant support and appreciation. This means that one always has a soft place to fall when life gets hard. This is what a marriage is supposed to be and what a marriage can be if BOTH people are mature and have the capacity to love and also the ability to show respect for their partners feelings. <br />
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I have walked in your shoes and now I am making my way to the other side. EP and writing here helped me find myself once again for the support and kindness I found here helped me to change my life. Know that so many of us understand fully what you are feeling. The hurt and confusion and also the anger that sometimes comes out. Keep writing and reading stories and forum posts. Realize that you have courage and strength. Regain your sense of self worth as so many of us have regained in our own lives. Your story is your testimony of a woman filled with love and longing for what is your right in life. Blessings and peace,D.

Who runs the agenda ?<br />
I want the tv on. You want to sleep. So the tv is on, and we will watch what I want. You can fit in, or you can go elsewhere (but not too far, so I can keep an eye on you)<br />
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We were together once. It was fine while I was running my intimacy agenda, but I was lost when you decided to have a go at your agenda. You left me. I missed having a relationship where I could run the agenda. I need that power. Lucky you came back - otherwise I would have had to seek out another, and train her. I might not have been able to find such a maleable personality, and I might have had to take some responsibility for myself. <br />
Thank my lucky stars you came back. This validates the agenda I had run.<br />
All I had to do was tell a few little fibs.<br />
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So, it's all good now. You are back, the status quo is back in place. I am having my needs met - and, importantly, my facade of having a wife and being married is obvious to the outside world.<br />
Life is good. <br />
Think I might **** off and go fishing for a few days.

I've found venting here is a great help, and I also found a lot of support that I wasn't expecting. We're strangers here, but we're also bound by a common tie. And I forgot to mention, not that the superficial should have any impact here, but if you were 5'9" and 135, that doesn't sound healthy I agree. Size 12 too big? Come on, that's absolutely ridiculous. Try not to listen to that, it's just another of the endless excuses the us "refused" constantly deal with. If you were a size 2, it would be something else. Size 12 is beautiful, and you need to forget his reasons to refuse. He only refuses because he's not interested and you can't take the rejection personally. It might be like if he wanted you to go fishing, you may hate it. The difference is that if you need physical affection as I and many others here do, it can destroy a relationship when it's missing. Warriorpoett just made a great post on this topic. <br />
There are many of us here that feel your pain. It's sad to see one more person suffering like this, but if we have to go through it at least we can rely on each other here for help. Again, all the best.<br />
TW

God, you poor thing! It sounds ghastly. Please get out - the rest of your life is waiting. And believe me, 12 is not big!! I'm way bigger than you and men don't seem bothered - honestly! All the best to you hunni x

Thank you all so much for your advice! I never really expected a response, I just needed to get it out in the open, and to find support for me as a stranger is so very appreciated. I do feel alone, I feel like I'm just biding my time, and to be honest, it sucks!! I will keep you all posted as to what happens. <br />
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THANKS FOR LISTENING AND OFFERING A HAND OF SUPPORT!

Morph, well said (golf clap) whatever you deleted before was the foundation of a great response. You should copy and paste that one into a few of these experiences. <br />
Sexless, there isn't much I can add to that what morph said, except this. You mentioned your faith, and I'm not sure how big a part it's playing in your decision but I've seen people stay in awful situations in the name of their religion. I abandoned practicing Christianity some time ago. I began to see it in a different light, in a light that appeared to me as something entirely man-made. I don't mean God, I do believe there is such a power, but the rules, jargon, procedure and rituals can only be constructs of the human mind. No God I will ever worship would commit you to suffering such as this for a decision you made in good faith, nor would he condemn to hell a soul for no other reason than the ignorance of His very existence. Please do not let Christian dogma unduly influence you. You may feel that you are betraying your faith, but when I was honest with myself I found that in fact my faith had betrayed me. I am infinitely more at peace since I've moved away from the organized church and found God on my own terms. I believe it's a far greater sin to waste a life in misery than to contravene a rule written by men in order to further their own interests. God speaks to you not through prophets and the printed page, but through your heart and soul. I know it may sound like heresy to you, it would have to me some years ago, but if your beliefs are sound, they will withstand any and all scrutiny. Be passionate about your beliefs, but hold onto them loosely. Please understand I hold no disrespect to the faith or the church, and this is in no way meant to be hateful or an attack on Christianity, only an alternate paradigm.<br />
Best of luck, please keep us informed of how things are going. You'll find plenty of support no matter what path you choose.<br />
TW

Make plans to leave and dump him. <br />
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Now, the only real question happens to be: Where do you dump him?

Hi S.<br />
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I tried replying a couple of times, but deleted them because they seemed angry and quite negative. The thing is, your situation is awful because you got snared by a complete ***.<br />
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(1) "The Validation Talk"<br />
Its not you. You need to look at yourself and realise there is someone beautiful there; someone worth loving. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually beautiful too. If you want to change something about yourself, do it for YOU, not for anyone else.<br />
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(2) "The Truth Talk"<br />
He won't change. He may make an effort for a while, but things will slip back to where they are now, then continue an inexorable slide into the abyss. <br />
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(3) "The Reality Talk"<br />
No matter how hard you try, or how much of yourself you sacrifice to "make things work", all that will happen is that every day another small piece of your soul will die.<br />
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(4) "The affirmation Talk"<br />
You have reached a point in your life where you can see what the problems are. There are a number of solutions open to you, a number of choices you can make. Your future and your happiness are in your own hands.<br />
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(5) "The Support Talk"<br />
No matter what you decide to do, there are people here who have gone through the same (or a similar) thing; good people who can help if you just ask them. We care.<br />
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Rob x