Ashamed And Alone

The title pretty much says it all.  I am living in a sexless marriage...and I wonder what is wrong with me.  In the beginning we had a sex A LOT! At least in comparison to the people I knew.  Three to four times a day.  About half the time I was instigating, half the time it was my husband.  It was wonderful!  Now, almost nine years later, I am lucky if it is once every 3 months. 

At first, I knew it was my fault.  I had gained weight.  I had two children and gained about 50 pounds. I have worked my butt off...literally.  I am lucky, things went back to where they were.  I don't personally think this all should matter.  My husband gained weight, I still wanted him.  But, I know it does.  Now, a lot of my female friends tell me all the time how they wish their husbands would leave them alone and all our guy friends complain how they can't get enough.  My life is the opposite.  I want it so badly that it consumes many of my waking hours.  I just ache to be touched.  I have guy friends that would like to have an affair...sometimes it is tempting.  That makes me feel SO wrong that it is even something I might consider.  I just want my husband to want me again.  I have tried to do whatever he might find fun and new.  And for anyone thinking it is because we had kids...this is my second marriage.  We had kids when it was hot and heavy. 

I have tried touching him more (non-sexual and sexual), doing extra little nice things, cutting back my expectations, accepting sexual encounters that are all about him, telling him what I would like, dressing sexier, flirting with him...everything I can think of.  He always has an excuse.  I don't want to live the rest of my life with someone that finds me unattractive.  Everytime some guy honks and winks, smiles and tells me I am pretty, I keep hoping something is wrong with my husband and maybe it is not really my fault.  I really don't know.  I really don't want to look for assurances.  I just want to know I am with ONE person that finds me attractive.  I am so jealous of all my female friends who's husbands can't get enough of them.  So, here I am....alone...and ashamed because it must be me.  Even though I hope it isn't.

1lostdreamer 1lostdreamer
36-40, F
10 Responses Jul 22, 2010

what happened did u do it?

do it do not be shy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! seduce him and you will see <br />
make your sex life like a ***** movie!!!!!

I think you can try thispls let me know the results):<br />
1- Emty the house for you and him on a saturday night.<br />
2- Put on the your short jeans on and a sexy blouse so it looks as if u do nt intend to seduce him<br />
3- pour wine to him untill he is Tippsy just a little drunk.and let him talk do not say anything just listen.<br />
4- pour some wine accidently on your shirt<br />
5- take it off (no bra)<br />
6- behave as if u do not intend to seduce him.<br />
7- put one of his shirts and leave it unbuttoned<br />
8- set opposite to him and behave naturally<br />
9- after u feel he is tourchered enough(5 min)<br />
10 come close to him pretending to show him some photo or anything or tell him to check the wine<br />
as if u noticed something in your glass<br />
11- set next to him<br />
12- Tell him u think he looks like the photo on the cover of a masculene guy whose photo is on the cover of a magazine (casually grap a magazine laying on the coffe table showing an actor or s ports man)<br />
13- tell him u visited one of your friends and she showed u a ***** movie wher a woman is been tied up and been submissive to a man where she did everything he wanted.<br />
14- He will feel he needs to do something!<br />
15- he will touch your breasts <br />
16- undress him and tell him you were dreaming of him doing the same thing <br />
11- and end up your words with the word(Master)<br />
12- lay him on the ground and give him a some oral love. tease him and keep <br />
telling him (Master). end every word with the word Master<br />
13- do not masterbute for him just tease him with your mouth and say how big his is <br />
14- when he is excited sit on top of him and slowly dive his into you very very very very slowly and after 2 times tell him his is too big and he is too muvch of a man that you can not handle start with the word Master do not be shy!! behave like a *****!!!!<br />
15- tell him (Master be Gentle and again put him in and moan as if it really turn u on even if you are not on!!<br />
16- When he is really excited ask him humbly and start with the word Master to eat u.<br />
go down hto his feet and kiss them suck them beg him for it!!<br />
when he does ask him to tie you up to the and to **** you slowly and keep moaning / begging and screeming of joy .<br />
whatever happen pretend that you had multipleorgasms before he comes and shout you are coming coming as loud as you can<br />
when he says he is coming let him eject in your mouth.<br />
talk to him while kissing every part of his body that you both should play games one time he is your slave/ one time you are his slave/ one time you are a nurse one time you are his lady boss and one time do something else.. keep inventing things wear a wig or change your hair style ask him what he like and do it same tell him what u want from him ...<br />
Please try it and let me know on my e mail josepha1b2@live.com<br />
<br />
DO not Forget!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
9-

Well, actually my soon to be ex called me a quitter when I told him I wanted a divorce...but even then I knew I hadn't just 'quit'...I stayed for 18 years with virtually NO SEX after we got married...no way was I a quitter...scared to leave him and scared of what might happen to him, but no...I stayed and stay and stayed until I just couldn't take it any more. Man, I'm still thinking about the 3 or 4 times a DAY! Lordy!!!

I'm sorry that you feel so undesired by your husband. I understand how it feels, as a woman, as a soon to be ex wife; it sucks. It makes one doubt their physical appearance and also doubt their self worth. It's devastating to one's ego. The thing is, one can be a real knock-out, drop dead, gorgeous person and still be refused sex. I personally believe that a refused person's looks and personality have NOTHING to do with a refuser's refusal of sex and intimacy. I believe that a refuser has an issue which may not have anything to do with the refused. They are the one with the problem. As far as your girlfriends saying that their guys want them all the time, well, I've heard it, too. Lots of girlfriends said the same to me and it hurt and I felt embarassed and I even lied to my friends because I didn't want to disclose that I hadn't had sex in years. Surely, they would have asked me why I chose to stay in the marriage...and I surely didn't want to address all of my personal sadness with them...how could they possibly understand? In all honesty, I had never heard of anyone, male or female, complain that were denied sex. I used to think that I could get by and stay in the sexless marriage with the aid of a vibrator...sure it gives an ******, but it doesn't hug you, caress you or cuddle with you...in fact, a lot of the time it makes you feel even worse because it just makes you feel more lonely. Thankfully there is EP because it makes us realize that we are not alone. There are other folks out there who are actually denied sex with our loved ones. Please realize that it is not you or your looks or your personality. I'm happy for you that you worked your way back to a size you wanted to be, and it wasn't luck; you are the one who worked your *** off exercising. Hopefully you'll look in the mirror one day and say, damn, I do look good and I am attractive in so many other ways, too. I believe that attractiveness is not just physical; it's the whole picture...one's personality, intellect, humor, accomplishments, professionlism, compassion and their uniqueness as a human being...that's the way I find my current and forever lover...plus he's sexy as hell which is an added bonus! I hope you and your husband can get to the root of the problem...and I hope it doesn't take years...life's too short. But in the meantime, please take a good look at yourself and re-discover all of your good qualities and realize that you are beautiful on the inside and out and that the lack of sex is not because of you. Good luck. Man, it used to be 3 or 4 times a DAY??? Not even my girlfriends ever said anything close to that! I cannot imagine...but yet again, you never know! Nobody ever called me a quitter!

I can tell you one thing everyone will tell you, ITS NOT YOU. I am going through the same thing, only my husband doesnt want it when i want it, its like I have to wait for him to initiate sex or i dont get any, I get rejected EVERY single time i come onto him, and it really does hurt my ego. So I can completely relate to you, I have tried everything just as you said you have, I am also at a total loss of what do as there is no talking to my husband about this....I wish I could tell you how to deal, but I am in the same boat as you.

No sweetie, it is not you. It sounds like you have tried, and it just isn't there for him. I ask him if he is attracted to me , he says "yes" but his actions say otherwise! No touching, no sleeping in the same room, no watching tv together.........really we are just roommates that used to be lovers!<br />
<br />
My situation is EXACTLY the same. I have done all of that and nothing!! I am now empty, alone and wondering what to do next. Hang in there and Yes, it is shocking how many people are in the same situation!<br />
<br />
Just know you are not alone! Hang in there!

wensweep....thank you! Your comment was the first thing I read..and it actually felt like a healing salve, if only to know that I am not alone. Everyone I know seems to have it all together. <br />
<br />
Bazzar...I read your profile and it seems that you are a logic based personality. While I might not be able to always view my own life based on logic...I value logic. If it is him, there is nothing I can do. We have kids and I do not want to upset their lives. However, I don't want to live the rest of my life without human touch. I miss it as if dying of thirst. I have told him what I need. I have asked him what I can do to get what I need from him (a little quid pro quo). I have even asked numerous times if he'd like to have an open marriage. He swears it would hurt him to even think of me being with another guy. I don't want to hurt him. Having said all that, our dynamic doesn't seem too bad. We don't fight. We make GREAT roommates. We work well as a parenting duo. There is nothing physical, or emotional. We get along well. And that is as far as it goes.

"I wonder what is wrong with me"<br />
Short answer "Nuthin'"<br />
<br />
The real question (IMHO) is usually "what is wrong with my marriage" - - - and the answer to that one can be complex and varied.<br />
<br />
At times it's easier to concentrate on the physical, in a forlorn hope of defying the hand that your genetics have given you to play. To chase the societal (or rather the advertsing industries) version of what is physically attractive.<br />
<br />
Big difference between "physical attraction" and "beauty". (Again, just my opinion)<br />
<br />
Pre suppossing one takes reasonable care of their body, then it is the whole package of body / mind / attitude that stirs up the mix into a thing of "beauty". <br />
<br />
Anyway, getting off track here.<br />
<br />
By any ob<x>jective measurement (if only the fact that people honk, wink at you etc) ought validate the fact that you are physically attractive. I reckon you can put a line thru that concern.<br />
<br />
But now, the real work might have to start. If it's not YOU, then it has to be - - -<br />
(A) HIM<br />
(B) The dynamic the two of you create.<br />
<br />
You could have a huge task ahead of you to come to a resolvement of this situation. Good luck as you start to work your way thru it.

We have all had these feelings, my sweet. Just looking through all of the stories here...you will find that you are not alone, and that it is certainly not you.<br />
However, in that same amount of time it took me to type that to you, I still struggled with the same thoughts toward myself.