Sex Is So Non Existent In My Marriage I Cant Remember How My Kids Were Conceived

I am so very young, i am in my early 30's and not ready to accept that my sex life is over forever! my husband is six years older than me and i remember when our sex life was great! but for about the past 7 to 8 years it has become increasingly worse! My husband had a vasectomy about two years ago and since his procedure we have had sex a total of probably about 5 to 10 times at the most and that is probably much more likely to be 5 than 10. It started out with the sex becoming less intense and being very short, then it went to us going 3 to six months without having sex at all and now our marriage is completely void of any intimacy, we dont hug, we dont cuddle, definitely dont make love or kiss!! I have been telling my husband for the past 4 to 5 years that i want a divorce and his statement to me is always the same, Im not going anywhere, Im staying and we are going to make this work!! This is honestly nothing left for us to work on, we lack communication, spiritual, physical, emotional, and social intimacy. I cant even remember the last time we had an intimate conversation or shared a passionate kiss! I guess this hurts me so much because i spent my teen years and early twenties as a sex addict, and even now thoughts of sex and intimacy consume my thoughts 65 to 80 percent of the day.
     I dont want to consider adultery as an option but i would be lying if i said the thought does not cross my mind quite often!  The lack of sex and intimacy makes me hate and despise my husband! I hate the fact that my sex life is over because I am married to him! I hate that there has been so many broken promises on his part, I hate that he has allowed his pride to get in the way of him seeking and receiving help for his erectile dysfunction. I miss the act of sex, but at the same time I also dread sex with my husband because as i stated before the moment is short lived and lacks intensity! Is it wrong to want to leave a marriage due to sexual dysfunction?? When we took our vows he promised to love honor and cherish me and he is failing to do so because he is failing to honor my sexual desires and wishes!! My sex life lacks so much that when i am in the presence of other males I find myself envisioning what their sexual performance is like or trying to guess the size of their manhood!! The thing is I actually feel i have passed the point of even wanting to rekindle a sex life with my husband I just want to get as far away from him as possible and try to forget that I spent ten years in a marriage that lacked in so many areas!! I know some people may say sex isnt everything in a marriage because there are sex toy shops out there, but i am the type of person that is not stimulated at all by self pleasure!!
     Now i am stuck with a laundry list of questions floating through my mind.
1) Do I stay or do I go??
2) Can a marriage survive without sex??
3) Should i be concerned that maybe I am the problem??
4) Do i cheat and pray that it never gets back to him and my kids??
5) Do I just accept that at 32 my sex life is over and just unhappily stay in this marriage for the sake of the children

     I would greatly appreciate any advice that anyone has for me and please keep me, my marriage, my family and my circumstance in prayer!!!!!!
blessd blessd
31-35, F
7 Responses Jul 23, 2010

I feel your pain,in same boat we just cohabitate at my house no sex no love no touching no nothing.I am still searching for the right answer if I find it I will share it with you,till then aii I can offer is hang in there like I do one day at a time.

I feel your pain,in same boat we just cohabitate at my house no sex no love no touching no nothing.I am still searching for the right answer if I find it I will share it with you,till then aii I can offer is hang in there like I do one day at a time.

Wow Vectorking I find your comment very inspiring! The things is I dont want to stay together just because we have kids. We can co-parent and not remain married if that is the only basis for us being together. I can not find a reason for us to remain together! he just needs to accept that our marriage is over due to his failure to be the man that i needed and deserved for him to be. i heard a few people say the same thing about there being no change in the libido since they had a vasectomy, what ever the rhyme, reason and/or excuse my husband has I am just fed up because he has waited too long to address the issue or seek help for the issue. So whatever he does now is basically too little too late.

hey Ero yes i have considered leaving but the thing is i just brought my home 2 years ago and it is solely in my name so I feel that since he is the cause of the marital problems by failing to me my emotional and physical needs he should be the one to have to be inconvenienced and displaced, NOT MYSELF! Its just that my husband refuses to leave it seems like REFUSAL is what he is best at. I dont even want a trial separation because we have actually been seperated while together if that makes sense. How can I consider us still together with the flaws and non existent affection that is so very present in our marriage. He has caused so much amnimoscity to build up in me for him. I hope and pray that everythings works out for you though because i honestly believe that some marriages even though sex is non existent still have a chance of working, JUST NOT MINE!!!

Wow--vectorking--great post--you said it all...

To answer a few questions for you:<br />
(but first, I had a vasectomy about 6 years ago… let me just say, everything works just fine AND I see no drop-off in either wanting it or needing it)<br />
1: You are ready to go. You said it yourself. Now go. Really.<br />
2: A marriage COULD survive without sex ONLY if both parties agree that it isn't important to them. But, as we have all discussed here at length is the fact that THEY (the refuser) has decided how much, how great, how intimate our marriages and sex lives will be. A total control by 1 side only. Not fair.<br />
3: OK - Everyone ALL TOGETHER NOW… It is NOT you. Never has been. We say this more as a motto around here than anything else. Let me guess… you've tried everything and failed? Welcome to the club. It isn't us either.<br />
4: Cheating is a personal decision for you. Don't ask us. We won't judge you because we know the position you're in. Just be prepared for the refuser to magically turn into the victim if you get caught. They will do everything they can to discredit you regardless of how they treated you and 'helped' you into this position that we all view as a last resort, so to speak.<br />
5: Children… ah the children card… that's your call. No one else's. You will find various opinions on this both supporting your decision and shooting it down. That's why I say it's yours and yours alone. However, accepting that your sex life is over at 32 is just plain stupid. Which puts you right back to… having an affair? Leaving? Staying for the kids?<br />
<br />
It's a sad circle.<br />
Sorry you're here. Stay long enough to get some courage, some understanding, and maybe even a plan on what to do next. We are all here biding our time and trying to figure things out.<br />
<br />
Next story? Stop yelling in bold italics!

Have you considered just packing up and leaving? If you have been threatening a divorce for a long time and have done nothing about it he will just think that it is more lip-service, however, he will wake up pretty fast when he comes home and finds you and your stuff gone. Since you are pretty young, perhaps you can stay with your folks for a short bit or your friends? <br />
<br />
You can also consider a trial separation, this is something I am working on, though i am afraid that when i do this the sex will magically come back online just long enough to get me home when it will become like it was before: nonexistent.<br />
<br />
I really hope that you can find some other solution as it is not my intention to suggest breaking up the sanctity of marriage, but the refuser does this every time they push you away. You are not alone, this is a very big group full of supportive people. It is with a heavy heart that I welcome you.