Venting...(aka Whine Session)

I decided to be brave and try again this evening to get something going... I buy him his favorite dinner out of the grocery budget even though we really don't have money for it to put him in a good mood. Then I let him know and he basically tells me, "I'm tired but I think it's just cause I need caffeine but I'm out of tea." My response - make tea for him and get him in the shower with me (something he enjoys).

Do all of that- he gets out of the shower early so I can shave (he worries he'll bump me and I'll get cut - which I get since neither one of us are small people and I might as well get it taken care of...). Takes me not even five minutes - I get out of the shower to find him laying on the couch, watching TV. When he notices me, he says, "I'm going to bed." No explanation, no reason just - I'm going to bed... GAH!!!! Try to get him to re-engage by getting him to help me put lotion on.. yah no dice (my back is all scratchy now)... grrr...

To be fair - he is usually more direct but this was like... seriously?? I put in all that effort and NOTHING??

GRRR!!!! So frustrated....
deleted deleted
26-30
14 Responses Jul 23, 2010

I can't imagine getting into a shower with a woman, and NOT becoming aroused. But, I gave up showering with my wife because the businesslike manner in which she proceeded to take a shower, do her routine and get out, hurt like hell. Any attempt to turn it into something else, bombs.. I'm sorry you, and the women who have commented on their attempts to "set the stage", only to have it completely fizzle, ever have had to experience this. And, I know it doesn't help, but for me, if the woman in my life made those motions, fire would commence. It's not you, you're the women guys dream of.

Curious Ella, I'm so pleased for you!! Gingers crossed this is the beginning of a new and better stage in your relationship.

Haha, my husband and I have showered together in the past, but now he says he feels too "claustrophobic".

Haha, my husband and I have showered together in the past, but now he says he feels too "claustrophobic".

Haha, my husband and I have showered together in the past, but now he says he feels too "claustrophobic".

been there, done it. rough times are never fun... chin up and go for what you need. It can happen.

You have every right to vent and whine! I have no business answering this post, but I came into the group for a stat and found your post so compelling. I have no words of wisdom or offer of advice - I just want you to know that you deserve a hug.

Curiousella, it seems that you and I walk in the same shoes! I too am woefully confused on almost a daily basis.<br />
I had a similar story on pretty much the same day. Of course, I am always the one to initiate (which by the way, happens only when I just cannot take the pain from not having the intamacy anymore and start becoming angry with my battery toys)...so, I send my H a text messege in the middle of the day, a link to the music video "Feel Like Making Love". Thinking that was cute and clever. I get a response..."Thanks, I love that song!". I respond back with, "I know...feellike making love?"<br />
He responds back with "Yeeeaaaaasssssssss!"<br />
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Okay, so I am very excited as it has been well over month (we are averaging about once every 6-8 weeks, however it would be much longer if alcohol didn't exisit).<br />
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I get in the shower and primp and prepare...exfoliating, shaving almost every inch of myself, lotions, potions, make-up, hair and a new little black dress with a apir of sassy unmentionables.<br />
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For dinner, a chilled glass of wine and an assortment of meats and cheeses and veggies topped on slices of grilled artsian bread. A nice dinner outside, as the sun sets.<br />
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After dinner and conversation, I ask him, what he would like to do, and of course, since he had just eaten, he said he would like to sit on the couch for a few.<br />
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Well, a few turned into an hour, an hour turned into 1 1/2....and my heart was begining to sink and that feeling of both hurt and anger began to come over me...until...he began to snore. Not even 5 mninutes into the 10 o'clock hour, and he was out. I tried to wake him, to no avail. So, I got up and left him there and retreated to my room, in tears, wondering why?<br />
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I am like you....completly confused. I have begged him..."If you don't want a sexual relationship with me, just be kind and tell me...but please, PLEASE stop leading me on!" <br />
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The pain of the confusion and self-esteem hit is unbearable. I have been dealing witht his for over 2o years...but it has been the hardest to deal with the past 5, as I have hit 40, my prime..and our kids are teens, and take less of my attention and care.<br />
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So, my dearest, I agree with the others. If there are no kids, you have a choice to make. And it is basic. It will not get better, it will only get worse. Your choice is to stay in the relationship, as is, and accept that you will not have a sensual one, or you leave.<br />
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Indeed, frustrating, and most of all, heartbreaking.

Confused...so am I. Showering together is very much a tunr on...I can imagine what would be going thru his head cept for naughty little thoughts after that. But to turn the TV on...(maybe if the wait would have been hours...) <br />
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So much effort....you deserve an award....

Ella, I feel your pain and hurt with your experience. I am so sorry.<br />
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You do everything you know might work, has worked, should work, all to no avail.<br />
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The last time I was intimate with my roomie, I was sitting on the couch wearing a short black skirt and black camisole-just something comfy I could sleep in-and he wanted some. Since then (two months ago) I've practically burned everything in my closet that is not black, and have become a couch potato.<br />
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That's as close as I can get to initiating because I'm too scared of the rejection and go numb if I think about trying anything more.<br />
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I hope you have or invest in a quality hand-held massage showerhead so you can take care of your own business.

In the shower? OK - now I'm confused, because really… if I'm in the shower AND my wife was there too I don't think I could hide not being 'ready'.<br />
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So, let me ask - did he just wash up and jump out without even looking like he was 'up and ready'?<br />
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If he wasn't, then there might be some problems here.

You have no kids??!!? You have to dump him and move on. If you stay, you will go crazy. <br />
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Normal married folks have frequent sex. Your husband is either lying to you about something or he is crazy himself. Despite his overt attempts to fool you, your husband really does not love you. <br />
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His old excuse that he feels guilty for having premarital sex is bullshit. He just said that because he knows your religious sensibilities would accept that excuse. He is hiding something that he does not want to tell you and it probably is very simple: he really does not love you anymore. <br />
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One more thing, stop dwelling on the **** as an explanation for his problem. It is a red herring. **** is not going to change a loving husband into an unloving husband.

So sorry, love. What a sweet thing you did for him! I hope you at least got a Thank You. <br />
<br />
Cheers

Ouch! I find this painful and yet the sad part only for you. For whatever reason, and never a good one and one we will never be clued on, numb spouses such as ours, appear to be so cruel and lifeless. Yet, we try and try again to jump start that cold engine. And when we get cold water splashed on our face or spirit due to the non responsive like that of a zombie, we get hurt. They just go on and do their thing without consideration. I guess it is less painful when we stop anticipating these lifeless beings are just going to respond like any other normal, carefree, living being. Start putting your efforts into you and make yourself the best you can be mind, body and spirit and at least one thing will change, YOU. You will become fulfilled and advance to new areas in life that will help you grow and in that process, perhaps through natural steps, things my end up changing in your life, whether it being you know you have to move on or zombie boy gets new life, regardless, the change here needs to be with you. That was a hard realization I had to come to grips with and I am further along in my life because of it. It is like continually making a bad bet, putting your house on it and when you loose that, what else to you have to put on it, the odds are real bad for you, stop betting. Be strong...