How I Understand Where You All Are Coming From...

thank you, Charliebrowndays, for what you wrote. I am new here and am glad to have found EP. I've been married for 15 years and won't get into the ups & downs of the relationship, but as it stands, our marriage appears loveless and is sexless. His choice. It didn't used to be this way; he pursued me & it was good for a few years. Then life took over: full-time jobs, school, and now a kid. He cheated on me about 10 years ago and that ripped my heart out like nothing before... and since. It took time but I forgave him, something I never thought I'd do. You sure do learn a lot about yourself when something like that happens. I'm considered good-looking and have an outgoing personality, and as such, have had many men hit on me through the years, whether they thought me single or knew me as married. I've never cheated. Tempted, but believed that cheating wouldn't solve anything. I came from a single parent family and have always been wiser than my years (34 now.) But I digress, we rarely sleep in the same bed as he prefers the couch. I have a very healthy sexual appetite and am at that age where I know what I like. Ironic, but it is now that he doesn't want it. I've talked to my gf's and I'm the only one that has a husband not interested in sex. All my friends claim about their husbands wanting it too often and them having to give in. I don't think any of them truly understand. And truth be told, I am embarrassed. Embarrassed to not be wanted, not even in the most basic way. No one looking at me would guess that my husband doesn't want me. Oh, and I've taken the initiative many, many times. He 'gives in,' which doesn't exactly make me feel wanted or loved. I'm at that point where I no longer ask because I was getting resentful about that, too. We can go months & then he may try to initiate it, but by that time I am the one that is resentful. Sex is like a weapon for him, a form of control. If it was any other woman in my shoes, she would've cheated. I sometimes am amazed that I haven't yet. But for me it's also a matter of self-worth. I am worth more than what cheating would offer. I have morals and don't want to be forced into going against them. But I don't know how long I can take not being held, cuddled, touched in any way. I had a male friend hug me recently and wanted to cry because it had been so long since a man had taken me in his arms. It wasn't sexual in any way but just to feel a man's arms around me... it made me realize just how much I miss the physical comfort and caring. Anyway, I just needed to let this all out. I don't know what else to really do. But writing this has helped. I'm hoping someone will empathize. Thanks for reading my blathering post (I still retain my sense of humour about this whole thing... most of the time)
bbliss bbliss
11 Responses Jul 23, 2010

wow. just read through this old post of mine. i'm happy to say that i left him earlier this year and while it was the hardest things i've ever done, it was the right decision.
reading through this post just highlighted the rightness of that decision.

if it wasn't for our child, i would've left him a long time ago. but i felt i owed it to our child to stay together. and i guess, i felt i owed it to us to try to stay together, too. he wasn't a "bad" person in any way... but in hindsight, what he was doing to me, our marriage, was a form of emotional abuse.

i can't foresee myself dating anytime soon. it's like a whole new world out there. but in time, i'll take that leap. when i'm ready. i don't want to short-change anyone i date.

i never did say 'thank you' to all that posted a response and comforting words, so i say it now. THANK YOU.

i hope, like me, some of you have chosen to move on. while it was emotionally exhausting and mentally worrying, i am in a better place.

what stuck with me through this whole thing was the saying that "I'd rather be alone than be with someone and feel alone." it kept going over and over in my head.
at least i stand a chance of finding love and happiness now.

I could relate to your story, it is much like mine.<br />
Hope things are going well for you now . Maybe we could talk sometime.

I could relate to your story, it is much like mine.<br />
Hope things are going well for you now . Maybe we could talk sometime.

You say you are worth more than what cheating would offer. So are you worth more than what this marriage is offering?

You need consulting if that does not work the marriage is dead as you be happier single then with that guy

Welcome, Bbliss. <br />
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I hope you find strength in knowing that you are not alone. No need to feel embarrassed among souls in the same boat.<br />
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Your husband is an @$$ for denying you, especially after he cheated on you. You deserve better and I hope you find your way out soon.

Bbliss--your comments resonate with me for sure!<br />
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I was out with girlfriends recently & I would call these my "B" or "C" group--meaning I have known them for under 5 years and we are friends due to neighborhood/kids--etc. so not the closest. there were 6 of us and 3 of them went on and on about their husbands and how they want it all the time--how annoying it is, etc. etc. One then went on to talk about a annonymus friend who is in a sexless marriage & how sad it is & 'could you imagine?' they then said they would probably divorce if it were them...hmmmm did I feel like a sham. idiot, fool or what...but then I thought why are they going on about their sex life?? Two of the other women who were not part of this ********* later commented about how odd they thought it was....anyway--your 'embarrassed' comments made me think of this story. <br />
It is completely embarrassing and that whole conversation made me glad for keepting it to myself (outside of my sister & 2 really close freinds--who cannot relate but do support me).

crazysad… not to hijack this post… BUT… have you ever thought about WHY his first wife cheated on him A LOT? Just saying, if you haven't put 2 and 2 together yet… there's a pattern here, only you haven't cheated A LOT on him yet.<br />
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Bbliss, sorry you're here. Being resentful after being ignored for months is normal. Don't worry about that. They can totally get why you're being irritable. Also, you'll hear many people here talk about the simplest of touches by someone of the opposite sex or even something thoughtful being done and they are imagining ripping their clothes off and doing them right then and there. We all see that too. It is amazing how starved we all are.<br />
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Here's a start - stop initiating all together. If he initiates, say 'no'. I mean really, what are you really getting out of it? If it's about control, that will effectively take the control away from him. You'll see. Although, I kind of believe in not refusing so I can honestly say I never did that to my wife. Either way - take the control back the best way you can.

Bbliss, I can totally relate, your story sounds exactly like mine! :( We have been together for 14 yrs and to tell you the truth it has always been this way, he wants very little to do with me, yet claims he loves me and does not want a divorce. I am left feeling ugly and worthless most of the time, and yet I know I'm not. Like you, I have men hitting on me all the time and I know that I could easily find someone else, but I don't want to because I love him still, I think. We live our lives mostly like friends and roommates which confuses me. Is marriage really supposed to be like this? Truly I think it is about anger towards women. His first wife cheated, A LOT so it ended after only six months. Maybe he is still carrying that anger with him. Anyhow, thanks for the post Bbliss, helps me to know that I am not alone!

Most people tend to view relationships as a power struggle, this is a tried and true libido killer. I know what you mean about having to be the one who initiates all the time, I hate it! I mean, yes, I am a man and am expected to initiate sex most of the time... but when she never... ever... initiates it I am left asking myself "why do I bother?" <br />
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This is my second marriage and the first one was passionate and a bit of a mess but the sex was amazing, we are more like friends or room mates (also a common theme in ILIASM group). If I am clever, next time around I will try and look for the middle ground. A little unstable but entirely sexfull.<br />
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Welcome to the group and thank you for sharing.

I sympathize. This site has been a God send for me - I haven't anyone to talk to and to find a whole group of people who understand your situations is a relief. Vent as much as you like - and you will also be amazed at the excellent advice you get from the many people on here. Hugs