Is This Normal And I Am Just Attached To Some Girlish Childhood Fantasy?

My husband seems to require very little physical and emotional connection to me to still fill close to me.  To give you an example on his birthday he spent the entire day doing yard work by himself, had birthday dinner with the kids and I and to bed. Total time with the family an hour and a half. The next day he says that was such a great birthday just working on the yard. To a point I understand this we have two small children and you can be in our yard and never see a soul. Quite peaceful. But it goes to an extreme. I  had to have brain surgery and he sat there while the surgeon said there was no point donating my own blood because if this artery tears there wouldn’t be enough blood to save me. Yet the whole week before surgery there was no let me hold you this could be the last time, no parting words etc.   
 
It is like he doesn’t want me to leave but not really interested in being close to me either. It is so confusing since I have even had two different counselors say I am so fortunate to have someone who loves me like he does.  What I really need to know is this normal and I am just attached to some girlish childhood fantasy?
41olivia 41olivia
41-45, F
4 Responses Jul 23, 2010

I am figuring your surgery went well.<br />
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Counsellors (I see you have had two of them) have limitations. If you were seeing them about "The Marriage" and your husband was either not there - or there but not contributing - then you aren't going to get much of a result.<br />
If alternatively, you were seeing a counselloer about your life, your aspirations etc you ought be getting some value out of it. (Unless the counsellor is an incompetent - or you aren't being up front with him)<br />
All these things, EP opinions, counselling, your own thinking etc are going to crystalise into a pretty clear picture for you given a bit of time. It's not a race. You go at your pace in your way.<br />
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You are quite normal, you are trying to apply logical thought to an illogical situation. You'll figure it out. You might be closer to it than you think.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Sounds like your husband just isn't that emotional. Did he use to be affectionate, did you use to have sex, did you use to spend more time with you, and now he doesn't? It seems like you both just have different needs, you seem to need what most people need, love and affection. Maybe he thinks he gives you theses things already or maybe he never thinks about that at all. Have you both talked about this? What does he say?<br />
Don't listen to any counselor tell you how lucky you are to have him if that's not how you feel at all. Your husband should want to compromise with you about this so that you are happy, if hes not willing to do that you have to decide if you will live this way or not. Life is too short to be so unhappy. And everyone deserves to be in a fulfilling, satisfying relationship where your needs are being met.

Here's my take on this as a guy who enjoys time alone. <br />
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My feelings are that on your birthday, you should get to spent the day doing what you like to do but rarely get to. If doing yard work is your zen moment, then I say let him do yard work. It's his day, after all. Be careful not to project what you'd like best. That day is about him. <br />
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NOW, as for intimacy, that's a whoooooooole other kettle of fish. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Being the victim of a sexless marriage is abuse. Having sex withheld in a relationship for no good reason is abusive. It's wrong, it's hurtful and it is done with ill intentions toward a person whom they profess to love. I can't speak to his behavior while you were in the hospital, but it sounds like he was in "professional" mode when you needed him to be in "emotional" mode. For some men, (heck, for some women too) it's very hard to show emotion when you're scared out of your mind. I'm not trying to defend him personally because I simply don't know him or more of the story, but I hope this gives you a little bit of an insight as to what might be going on inside his head.

It's hard to get a picture of your relationship based on what you said...but I would say he sounds like a depressed person since he values being alone so much. Has he always been remote and undable to express emotions? If not, he's depressed or something. I think my husband is & he spends all his focus on our child and I get what ever is left over which is not much--and certainly no sex in 1 year now. Before that--it was maybe 1x every 6 months...<br />
As far as girlish fantasy--not sure what you mean...the desire to be loved in a phsyical and mental way is not silly by any means.