Fact: Sexless Marriage Is Grounds for Divorce

(exerpt from Yahoo Answers):
"It's called either alienation of affection or constructive abandonment, depending on your state...Simply turning down sex on occasion is not alienation or abandonment. But a “sexless marriage” is different, one in which there is no sexual activity to speak of for an extended period of time, despite clear requests, and usually involves one person holding sex over the other person as a weapon....The court may ask for proof that you have been to counseling for the issue, or that the spouse had refused to go to counseling for it. There is a legal precedent and understanding that when you get married, there will be sex".

(my personal response):
And there I was, willingly staying in the marriage for 18 years because I loved him and wanted him to get well. Sure he loved me in his own ways, but sex and sexual intimacy were not shown in those ways after we got married. Therapy, medication and my devotion to support and encourage him were available but he refused to seek treatment. I can only blame myself for staying miserable and frustrated for so long. At least the law was on my side even though I didn't know it back then. 

And there I was, thinking that him denying me of such a basic human need was just cruel and selfish.

UPDATE:  This title used to be entitled "Fact:  SM is Illegal", but that was based on wrong information on the web. 
41-45, F
30 Responses Jul 23, 2010

I have been married for 25 yes.I have not had sex with my husband in 19 yrs ...I've been thru every illness he has hep c and now cirrhosis of the liver. Multiple work injuries.Due to drinking.I have stayed because of my kids.They are grown now . He and I have been living as roomates for 19 years. It's horrible to feel unwanted unattractive and no affection. Problem I can't financially leave and in a problem marriage. I want to divorce.. Problem everything is paid for ....I'm so lost!

I have been married for 20 year now. During the dating phase there was foreplay. I look forward to foreplay. More giving than receiving. Ever since our son was born, he is now 17, foreplay is non-existent if sex occurs at all. I am the one who has to ask and if it does occur, she only wants to kiss a few minutes and then pulls me over on top. Many times she ask for lube stating the lack of hormones makes her dry. Then it is hurry up and get through. She claims to a Christian and goes on mission trips 2 to 3 times a year. That is what she lives for. I have been a nurse for over 34 years so I work with many women. We text back and forth and make harmless jokes to each other about naked hugs. Before you judge, nothing has ever happen and will not from either part. It helps us relieve stress by laughing at and with each other because of the death we deal with on a daily bases. She sleeps at one end of the house and I sleep at the other. We are essentially room-mates and have stated together because of our son. If I can make it 2 more years when he turns 19, I am putting an end to this marriage. I am 53 years old and have no problems in the performance department other than it not occurring. I was having periods of lifelessness and no energy. I had my T level checked and found it to be low. I started getting pellet replacement therapy and when she found out, she got mad. It is to the point I no longer want to be around her. The lack of meaningful sexual intimacy should be grounds for divorce. To me it is like loss of spousal support, which women can sue employers for if their spouse is injured at work and cannot service them. What is the difference?

I too am in a sexless marriage due to medical issues that my wife has been facing for the last two yrs. She has had arthritis since she was 11 and the last couple of yrs has had to go through 2 hip implant replacements and for a yr now we have not had any sexual contact because it is too painful for her so she says. I feel like I am being selfish, but at the moment we are sleeping in different beds. Any advice would be helpful.

Hi! I was in a similar situation. My husband and I didn't have sex for 3 years because of his diabites. I asked him for an open relationship. He refused. We went to counseling and were told by the counselor buy toys. Well he never got around to it. I had not been happy with our marriage for many years for others reasons as well. I decided to divorce. I am not separated waiting for the divorce to go through, started dating and have found for now a boyfriend who is an amazing lover and bought me a vibrator!! Never had one before. I was married for 27 years! I am enjoying my freedom and having great sex now! Yes, maybe I am selfish but so was my husband.

That is suppose to read " I am now separated."

Am married for 33 yrs. I can count on my fingers how many times my husband had sex with me. I have 3 children. I tried to adapt myself to this situation.

But now I find out that my husband uses medication and preservatives. It means he is cheating me.

Wat should I do?

I am in the same boat - have two teenagers but have not had sex in 2 years and it feels like it was always me that was initiating the sex. He had gotten medication from the dr's but has refused to take any more as well. If I could, I would have it daily so what do I do? I have even suggested we don;t have to have intercourse, but i need the affection. This is making me so frustrated and I don't want to cheat but is this a reason for divorce?

Hi I am not a doctor, but I am just thinking since both of you are so young and just got married, you should give both of you some time. In your marriage life, you will encounter a lots of conflicts, don't forget that for 33 years, both of you have lived in your own life, and now you have become one, it's not easy that you all have to compromised and accept each other's strength and weakness. Try to solve the problem the best you can first. Is your husband have a regular sex life with you before the surgery? If he's fine before then, may be it's a psychological issue, and I will encourage you to talk openly with him first and find out what's in his mind. If it still not working, then try to seek professional help outside. If he treasure the marriage, I believe he will go seek help with your support.

Im 33,I have been married for 5 months, my husband had a hernia surgery in june and he says his libido is not as it used to be, i dont buy it! his equipment works perfectly when he wants it to work, we have sex once a month with a lot of pushing from my side.... i stopped pushing about 2 months ago... and no sex, no kiss, no nothing! ever since. No offense im young and attractive and I've never had to push for sex before, I find it pathetic to do so and a lack of self respect,no matter what i wear or do, he just wont.... is this ground for divorce or is it too soon, how long should i stay in this sham?? ... i got married to be happy and sex is very important. pls advise! thx

It's surprise to see that I am not the only one who has a sexless marriage. I haven't have sex with my wife for over 10 years. She ignore me and refuse to go seek consultation, I've been very patience and like some others here, I didn't even try to commit any other sexual affair elsewhere. But enough is enough, I think if you don't Make Love, then Love will just diminish, and it means that person only think of herself and not even care of other's feeling. I shouldn't keep fooling myself hoping thing will change.

Is Six years enough? Counseling, Individually and together. I understand a womans body changes and get that the frequency should diminish, but to what?. Been married for 16yrs and after 2nd child it became maybe 3x a yr, then three yrs off and I was constantly hounding her. She gave in a couple times for the next 18mos. then abstinence. I see all these postings from women who are frustrated with their men. It definitely happens on this side too. She has put on probably60lbs and refuses to try to work it off. I had to threaten her with divorce for her to get a job. When work was busy I stayed involved and tried to not think about it but in toda's society you are bombarded with ads and pics that promote it. Movies, tv shows(I know unrealistic) are filled with it. I have filled my longing for intimacy with lifting weights and working out. It has been great for my health but I am screwed(figuratively) because my libido is as strong as it has ever been. Faith and my two kids have kept me in this, she is just an expensive roomate.

If she is a Christian the Bible tells us to not withhold our bodies from each other. This is so sad and I can relate. I have tried to talk to my husband and been to counseling several times. Sexual intimacy is absent as well as other emotional closeness. I pray that things will get better.

Why are so many women responding to this I have not had sex since my son was born 5 months ago I've never cheated on anyone in my life. Tonight made dinner, rubbed back and her feet I even bought her a nice gift nothing.

Women are responding because they are part of the human race! And because they like sex. And because they are tired of living with men who will not be their intimate partners . Why are you responding to this?

I was just responding to to the title "Sexless Marriage Is Grounds for Divorce" and I'm about to my breaking point.

Thank you for posting this. For years I felt selfish for wanting a divorce. It is incredibly hurtful being in a sexless marriage for five years, having men hit on me yet feeling that I have to remain faithful to a passive aggressive man who can't love me. <br />
<br />
I'm realizing that I can't stay. It helps to know that I'm not alone.

Im in the same boat-separating from my husband of 9 years..cannot do this anymore...I believe he is passive-agressive, and withholding sex on purpose to punish me. I have tried everything to fix things for the past 2 years, and not willing to live like this anymore-Looking forward to dating again : )

I am not sure what to do! I have been in a relationship for 12 years only married for 4! We do have a son,10. I have a sexless marriage & it is breaking me!! In the past 2 almost 3 years we have only had sex twice!! I always blame my self! But I know it isn't me.. I try I ask! I don't get anything in return! I have been thinking about a divorce recently! I asked for us to go to a counselor, he refuses! All I ever wanted to do.. is make & keep this man happy..but it is falling apart! I am still young! I just don't know what to do any more! @ times I am happy & the other half depressed & UN-happy! All I have ever asked for was some attention.. & love! & I cant even get that.

What gets me is that I was just told that I have maybe two years to live. I am dying from a genetic auto immune disease and my kidneys are failing. I always thought my life and marriage would mean having some intimacy in my life. But no matter what happens I don't see myself at this point leaving my wife or cheating on her. I just don't want to die alone. But as sick as I am I still want to have sex once in a while more than putty sex every 6 to 18 months. I am beging to think my wife is having an affair. Working late, going in to work at 5 in the morning coming home at 8. Now she just transferred to a position where she travels most of the time and is gone for 7 to 14 days at a time and she took a pay cut. None of it makes sense to me. Now. Fel horrible for even thinking about her possibly having an affair. I mean maybe she just doesn't find me attractive any more.

Hey friends. I have been married 19 yrs. Our sex life is zero. My spouse thinks its not important. Im starving for atention. What should I do? Im tired if my feelings being hurt. Thanks Brian

Post your own story and get feedback. Read stories &amp; forum posts here. Participate. You will get support and, hopefully, clarity.

I have been without sex from my wife for 15 years! She hates sex and I am coming to the conclusion that women hate sex period! I am so tired of ************: are there any real, mature women out there who like sex-it's part of nature!

Read around this place. You'll find that women like sex too. Your wife is the anomaly.

I'm with ya,married 30 years and was dissapointed how it was when there was.She was boring,basic and out of sync. Iam very sexual and now at Wits end cause now I've gone without for the last 13 years.Frustrated and aggravated and depressed as a man who wants to show a sexual woman and myself of how being in bed together could be.
I'm finally in a deep rut with myself and financially not able to move on....not fare.... I just want to fell like a man!

I feel everyone's pain and frustration. I to live in a sexless marriage and have for over over 10 years of our 23 year marriage. Oh there were times in the beginning, long dry spells but I never imaged this. It took me 6 years to get over the head game I played with myself that it I wasn't to blame. It's been really difficult for me, I have never been a woman to say I have a headache. I love the act of love making and what it brings to a relationship, the connection and compassion. That connection and compassion I once felt along with respect has long but disappeared. Needless to say there are other issues that I will not go into here. He refused to talk to anyone including me. I finally got him to agree 4 years ago to to see his doctor which gave him a presc<x>ription for the pill, however he refuses to take them. I can't win for losing! I mourn the loss of intimacy, and the feeling that I matter to someone. I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

I am there with you. Married 25 years, going to be 50 this year. Can't remember the last time we were intimate. I've brought it up so many times, he got the pills, has low T, wouldn't follow through with anything. I can't even remember when I had a hug. I can count on 2 hands how many times we had sex except when we were trying to conceive. I've recently decided I'm gone trying. Fortunately, my kids are grown, I still look good and financially able. Everyone thinks we had the perfect marriage. I mourn for them and I mourn for all the wasted years. I am sad.

Reggie, I'm so sorry that you are so unhappy. Please hang in there and don't give up on hope. I'm glad that your husband at least tried to make the situation better by seeing a doctor for his erective disfunction. It sucks that the medication did not help. Hopefully he'll keep working on the issue. I respect and understand that the two of you waited until marriage to have intercourse. What sucks is that you had no idea that yours would be a marriage without any sex at all. You said that you are going through menopause and feel that your "sexy days" are over...NO THEY ARE NOT! Menopause will pass and you will feel more like yourself when it's over. However, the problem concerning your husband's erection will still be there. Are you sure that you want out of the marriage? Is it due to the lack of sex or because there is lack of intimacy? If your husband does not value you as a wife and there are other issues, then there are alternatives to staying married. But does he treat you with love in other ways, ways that truly make you feel loved, show you his love in other sexual ways without actual intercourse? Does he share his heart and body with you in other sexual ways? If not, then it's way more than an ED problem. If so, then there's hope for your marriage.

Reggie, your marriage sounds very sad and is obviously not fulfilling for you. You say you are unemployed and cannot get a divorce. May I suggest you seek help from a local women's organisation? They may be able to help you get legal assistance for free. If you divorce, you will be entitled to 50% of the assets of you and your husband - and possibly more. There is no need to stay in such an unhappy situation.<br />
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I also encourage you to look for a job and to realise that there IS life after menopause! I went through menopause at 43 and at 58 I am having the best sex of my life!! Please don't give up on your life - you have every chance of starting again and making your future much happier. But YOU must take responsibilty for making this happen . . . Good Luck!!!

would any of you people on this discussion group,<br />
stay with a man 21 years without intercourse? I have lost my youth to him.<br />
He said, his penis would work, once we got married. Being a Christian,<br />
he did not Believe in sex outside of marriage. After, I married him he has never maintained<br />
an erection. He has try pills and other stuff, nothing works. No, he is Not Gay! Now, I don't <br />
care, if it ever worked, Going thry menopause and my sexy days are Over! I can't take this marriage any longer, and need to see a therapist, not in our hometown. Please, any words to inspire me,<br />
before, I menatally crack-up

Well 21 years is more than extreme. I though going 18 months was bad. But like you I love my wife and I am faithful. I had a coworker throw herself at me at a work conference. She came to my room at 2 in the morning with only a bath robe on. I about had a heart attack. I still can not believe to this day I said "no". At the time I had not had sex for over a year and I was sooooo wanting it. But I could not do it. Afterwards she broke down and thought there was something wrong with her. We had talked about my marriage problems and she was like so you haven't had sex with your wife in over a year but you won't sleep with me. Trust me I wanted to, boy did I want to and I felt horrible because I did. Not only that but she is a fabulous peron, so kind and smart and gorgeous. Kate Beckenset gorgeous. In the end I set her up with one of the engineers in the group I supervised at the time. Now they are married with a kid on the way. Just last night she told me she can not believe that I am still faithful and married, but after all I also agreed to my vows which said for better or worse, but that does not mean I am happy about it. I guess if I knew she was having an affair that would be enough to break things. At least your husband sounds like he has a medical issue and not just ignoring you.

need some advice, I'm 49 year young female who has lived in a sexless<br />
marriage for 21 years. I have never have complete intercourse with my husband.<br />
I have been faithful. I can't afford to get a divorce. I'm currently unemployed. I don't know<br />
how much longer, I can take this depressing life-style!

<br />
Wthout any doubt whatsoever, it's LAWFUL GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE. I am 100% positive of this because it is exactly what my attorney wrote in the separation agreement papers for my divorce.

It has been 4 years for me, he does have a pattern of shutting down sexually after being with the same person for over 2 yrs no break. He was sexually abused as a child by his Dad so there is all kinds of crazy mixed up in this. I am almost 44 and am almost done.....he also is battling with psychological disorders, but he is such a charmer outside the home to everyone, no one believes the mood swings, rages and just plain psychotic behavior.<br />
<br />
I need a break, but not only did I love him, there is no money as I am on SS disability for MS (fatigue, I still got it goin' on girl LOL)<br />
<br />
Anyway....I know how you all feel and if we wind up getting a divorce, I am going to be bringing this up.

ok... I don't know where you went to law school *scoff* but being grounds for divorce does not = illegal. If the law stated you had to have sex with your spouse when you didn't want to or face legal consequence, that would be the state endorsing rape. Sorry!

To add ... according to a Monseigneur in the Catholic Church .... he related to me in a conversation last year that when one spouse or the other .. refuses sexual intercourse when it is requested .. and I don't mean just one time when you had a headache .. I mean moreso than not so .. then the "marriage vows have been broken" ... when marriage vows are broken constantly ... then the MARRIAGE IS BROKEN ..<br />
<br />
I know my marriage is broken ... <br />
This is not the marriage I want or desire<br />
As a matter of fact .. this is not a marriage in any sense of the word .. we are roommates ..<br />
We share children and ob<x>jects but we do not share emotional intimacy ..<br />
<br />
And that my friends ... is the TRUTH

I am in the same boat.

Only my wife started a business with a man that we all knew was untrustworthy, he would miss work and ditch on his resposibilities. My wife started a TaeKwonDo business with him, and she put all of her time and effort into this business. She worked all the time and the kids and I never really had a chance to see her often. She told me she would not sign on the lease with this man, but she did it anyways, and now she is on the hook for the 25,000 that was unpaid in rent. Which means that we are on the hook for this amount.

During this entire time, I had sex very little, like once every two months or so. We really never saw her and the pain of the lack of intimacy made me so angry and frustrated. I have a hard time even looking at my wife as the pain the lack of intimacy causes is so intense. I really kept thinking to myself what can I do, what am I doing wrong. I would try everything, and nothing that I ever do makes her happy.

She gets more enjoyment from the praise of strangers than she does from the people who truely care about her. Based on reading all of your comments, I don't see how things will ever turn around.

It has now been 1 year and we have only had sex 1 time during this year. It was on vacation and was one of those where I asked her too, and she is like hurry up so we can go outside. That is the last time I have touched my wife and it was 1st week in March, it has now been 7 months with nothing.

She blames me for my communication skills, and anything else possible. She is critical and never happy with anything that I do, but likes to always point out that it is my fault and never takes any responsibiliy for her own actions.

I have kids and we don't have a lot of money, but I don't think that I can live like this anymore. I just figured that women were liars and that it is like the joke guys say when you get married. Put a quarter in a jar everytime you fool around the 1st year and you will never empty the jar if you take a quarter out each time you fool around after that year.

Most of the time when we did fool around, when it was occuring. It would be her laying there, being like you do everything and you better make me happy. I just pretty much give up, as a Christian, I thought that God had more intended for my marriage. I don't blame God. I want to drink from my own fountian, it's just that there is never any water there.

Some states consider it a form of abandonment.

There are numerous legal aid websites which clearly state this behavior as grounds for divorce. Perhaps the three I read, which stated it as illegal, were incorrect and provided false info. However, at least it is a proven fact that it is certainly proven grounds for divorce.<br />
'Nuff said.

15 years of this. Half our marriage. And yet I still love her. I'm seeing a counselor twice a week and so far have managed not to kill a single person.

It really should be illegal

It should be illegal. I'm suffering through it and it's horrible. I'm here for you if you need to talk.

I am interested in finding out just how often this happens. I have been married for 20 years and I have had sex with my wife maybe 30 times. The longest period I have gone without sex while married is 18 months, but it is not uncommon to go 6 to 12 months without sex. As it is right now my wife and I have only had sex 2 times in the last two years and it has been 6 months since the last time. When I bring the subject up she insists that it is not her or she will say that married people just don't have sex as much as I think they do. The worst part of this is wondering if my wife is having an affair. I have even gone so far as to tell her if she is, then we should just talk about it. She got so mad at me she told me she felt betrayed. We have 3 kids so I do not believe that we will get divorced any time soon. My youngest had a panic attack once because she felt I was going to divorce mommy. When I asked her why she though that she said she had promised mommy not to tell. Any way I have found that the longer I go without sex the easier it is to go without it, but I really would like to know if my wife is having an affair or if going 6 to 18 months without sex is normal if you are married.

Alienation of affection is a suit brought against a third party if a spouse leaves their partner for the other person. So unless there is an affair going on, it doesn't apply to sexless marriages. In fact, it could be used against the refused spouse if they seek and affair and subsequently leave.<br />
<br />
Sexless marriage is NOT illegal, it is simply grounds for divorce. You can't have someone arrested for not wanting you. It sucks, it's horrible, but not illegal.

In British Law it would be grounds for divorce under the heading of unreasonable behaviour. It is ironic when one considers it is one of the key factors of a marriage that it should be so difficult to use yet adultery (which in my opinion it is akin to) is a specific deal breaker. But I can understand that you always have the question of rape.
seeing all these sad stories on here I am coming round to the view that marriage should not be a lifetime contract but should be renewed say every 5 years. I would like to know what others think.