I Am Starting To Forget Who I Am

My husband's unwillingness to have any sort of intimacy with me led me to look elsewhere for fulfillment.  It wasn't long ago that I would have considered having an affair something only a very selfish, sleazy person would do.  But, I found that desperate times called for desperate measures.  I signed on to a web site for married people looking to have affairs.  At first, I don't think I would really go through anything...I really didn't expect to meet many people if anyone.  Well, I didn't realize at that time that there are a lot of men on that site and not so many women.  I started hearing from and corresponding with some very nice, normal sounding people.  I met one guy I really liked...and he really liked me.  Unfortunately, he was not as available as he thought he would be and I went from being a little horny due to my sexless marriage, to being a nutty over the edge horny from getting close and then not having sex (he had to cancel last minute a lot or we might just make out in the car).  I wanted to keep my options open, so I kept looking for someone else...without being honest with my friend.

In the last few months I have met quite a few guys...no one is perfect and I haven't met anyone yet who is available on a regular basis...either due to their schedules or mine.  So, to make a long story short, I have had sex with 4 different men over this time.  I was never one to do anything like that.  I only had 4 sexual partners prior to this and they were always boyfriends.  Never anything casual.  I really don't feel much guilt about this...but I do worry that I have maybe lost my moral compass.  Part of this knows this isn't right, but the other part of me just doesn't care.  I also feel that by not tying myself down to one man, I don't run the risk of getting emotionally involved.  

I know there are people who say that despite the lack of sex and intimacy in their marriage, they won't cheat because they don't feel it's right.  That would have been me not so long ago.  Something has changed...it's like I've become hardened or something.  I won't blame my husband, because I can't blame him for my actions...but the sexlessness and lack of attention has done something to me.  It's numbed me in a way.  I don't recognize the woman I am becoming.


Snowwhite36 Snowwhite36
46-50, F
19 Responses Jul 23, 2010

Hello I am new to this website,wondering if you had an update on your life,what has changed ,how do you feel today,have become more involved,less involved,have you found just one person or are you still just getting out there and experiencing people?Hope you are doing well.

Personal opinion only.<br />
Your story reinforces to me that so much of our ILIASM group is not about the sex.<br />
It's about the intimacy / connection - and when these things are not there, the manifestation of them - lack of sex - is the obvious symptom.<br />
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Many in the group have had sex outside of the marriage. Seems to work fine for some, but not all. Sex ALONE does not fix it in any sustainable way.<br />
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I think many / most ILIASM posters are looking for connection / intimacy / passion / involvement - of which sex is a component.<br />
Sex alone, unsupported by the other components, can be fun / exciting - but ultimately unfullfilling. One step up from ************.<br />
Anyway, enough sermonising.<br />
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As you say, you are not running the risk of getting emotionally involved if you are spreading yourself over 4 men.<br />
I just wonder if what you are actually looking for IS to find an emotional involvement - and what you are doing is actually counter productive to what you actually want.<br />
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Again, personal opinion only.

@glu - wow, lots of anger. its not like Snowwhite just up and decided to have an affair. We are only human and can only take so much of the lack of intimacy. I haven't had sex in over two years (and only 3 or 4 times in the last five years). My wife won't even talk about it and refuses to see a therapist. I will have an affair if I find the right situation. I will also feel bad about it, but I will do it anyways. I also think it will be partly my wife's fault. Its a no-win situation, but I feel dead now so what do I have to lose?

@GLU....unless you have walked a mile or so in SW moccasins? Don't be so quick to judge, or send someone to hell......Because you are oh so correct...KARMA can be a b*tch. I am sorry that your wife hurt you. TRULY. We trust our spouses to help us meet our needs: Physical, Mental & Emotional. I think we can all agree that intimacy is one of those needs? So please man....if you are gonna judge? Look to your own self first. THEN, I'll even hand you the stones to throw.

I can understand you feeling this way, glu, after what's happened to you. But you know, snowwhite is similar to me. We both trusted our husbands to love us and look after us, both physically and emotionally. And they didn't - they made us ill with their neglect and their withholding of affection - and I do mean ill!! I came very close to a breakdown, honestly. So, I see what I'm doing as looking after my needs - he doesn't need to know, and it keeps the home together for the kids - at least for the moment. We're all just doing the best we can you know x

Please don't judge yourself. I was in a sexless, abusive marriage for over 15 years when I gathered up strength to leave.<br />
Withholding intimacy is a form of abuse. <br />
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I am much happier now. When I was trapped in my marriage, I cried every day. I would hide in the garage or in my car for hours. My ex would build a wall of pillows between us in bed and would tell me how sick I was that I was a woman who wanted to have sex.<br />
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We all need to feel a connection. Just take care of your heart.

Yep, I am heading that direction fast, and I was one of the the ones saying no adultery ever....the only thing keeping me from dabbling is I have gained weight (which has helped with the libido) But like I posted elsewhere, I am gonna lose this weight and gain some control. <br />
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But what will happen is when I am ready to play...I won't be able to find anyone to do so without strings attached...also I am a bit afraid of becoming attached due to the fact I haven't even made out with anyone for 4 yrs (kissing was never my husbands strong point, but he exudes sexuality....he was abused as a child)<br />
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Anyho, wish me luck, and I will wish you luck as well. I can't condemn you, I know exactly how you feel.

Wow....it was so weird reading your thoughts because they were exactly the same as mine. I haven't fully gone through with having sex outside of my marriage, although I did plan a trip with a long term friend/ex that I had intended to do so on....He got into a relationship though so it changed things...I feel no guilt for my thoughts either, although I do confess that I feel bad for my husband. I wouldn't want him to cheat on me, but at the same time...when you start to feel that lonely, that desperate...It's the worst feeling in the world and you NEED to have someone who can show you that you're still desirable. Even if their love is only temporary, it's still better than nothing. So good for you! Just be safe, and try to make sure that you/your husband won't be hurt. Best wishes!

Snowwhite36, I can relate so well because this is exactly what I've been experiencing. I had never had casual sex until now. All I think about is sex, all I want is attention...I was never like this.<br />
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No one can understand what you're doing apart from those of us who are in the same boat with you. I too started to question who I was as a person. Just recently I decided that I actually want a real relationship (I plan on leaving my H). <br />
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It's so sad what a partner not doing their job can cause in a relationship. I never thought sex-affection-intimacy was this important until now. I have become somebody else entirely. <br />
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Hang in there, have fun, have a plan as to where you want to go with this. That way, you don't end up loosing big time. At least if ur H finds out, you already have a plan B.

Hmm... I'm curious; can you describe your relations with your husband aside from intimate ones?

I can only chime in and agree that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. When you find yourself in this situation in a marriage, you have to find a way to find yourself again. <br />
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So all I can say is have fun, and be safe.

Hey, I was sure the uptight moral brigade would be out in force today - don't they like us any more??

Have fun, be safe and be true to yourself!!! We only go around once in a lifetime, do what you have to do to be happy!!

looks like the Fundie Uptight Crowd aint postin here. Good as some one here wanna preach to ya and tell ya that an affair is wrong at all times. <br />
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Go for it!!!!!!!! use protection.................enjoy girlfriend!

chocciebean...yes, it's wonderful feeling desireable again! I was really down on myself and doubted my ability to even attract a man because of my husband.<br />
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Mr4553-I am doing this for me, I do not feel guilty and I am certainly not doing it to get back at my husband.<br />
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ServeMistressP-thank you so much for your words of concern! When I wrote the story, I did intend to mention that I play it safe...so far so good.

I strongly agree with all of the comments above, and add to PLEASE be safe when you play. I know of and can tell horror stories of meetings like these, and of the risks to your health that come from not practicing safer sex.<br />
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I don't want to lecture, but I do want to prevent any woman from becoming a victim of violence, abuse, or disease simply by trying to meet her most basic needs;.

Do not judge yourself so harsh. You clearly have thought of the consequences and are entitled to a little fulfillment.<br />
Just be careful and make sure you do whatever you do for yourself and not to get back at him for not appreciating you.

You and me both honey. I'm not sure it's a bad thing particularly though - and I can't say I feel even the slightest bit guilty. And it's rather nice, both doing what you want - and actually getting some attention you don't have to beg for, don't you agree? xx

Sometimes in a similar boat other row....Only once, but with the numb feeling I'd do it again.<br />
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B.