How Did I End Up Here?I feel like my story has all these bizarre twists of fate, and although an intelligent woman, choices have happened that have now added up to 12 years in a relationship that has been sexless for 11. When I first met my husband, one of the questions he asked me was about whether I liked sex. He eventually told me stories of living with his ex and how she refused sex, pretty much all the time. He told me about her using it as a leverage with him..."I'll give you sex for...." In all those early conversations, as our relationship grew, he was so happy to learn that I was a willing partner. However, after a few months, he also became unnerved by a woman being willing. It was the change from "where were you when I was looking for this" to "OMG what do I do now that I have this..." Our early relationship had many red flags, and has been the rockiest I've ever experienced....on again, off again...during the first 6 months. The sex could be fantastic at times back then, although on occassion he would make an excuse: "I have to be at work early, I can't do this tonight." I just let that be, and we's sleep pleasantly together.
Crazy as it may seem, I can remember the date and place when our last sex happened 11 years ago, and the sex was really not that memorable. What upsets me is that very thing: If I'd known it was going to be the very last time, it would have been far more special. I have fonder memories from other past lovers, previous to this relationship. [ I've been married twice before, have kids from those marraiges (now grown) and I have many more fond sexual memories from both, as our lives were filled with intimacy and good sex.] Since we were not married, were living together, and the sex had disappeared, and my job contract was coming to an end, I looked for work in different places - some places he liked, some he didn't - and took the attitude that if he moved with me, so be it, but I wasn't going to count on it. I continued to be my fairly independent self, and made it clear that he had to make his own choices. I was actually quite surprised when he followed me. I am really amazed that he did, since he'd seemed to make some conscious decision to no longer have sex with me. At the time, he made some vague reference to "things your friend told me about you" were the reason, after he'd had lunch with one of my woman friends. To this day, I have no idea what this could be, nor does my woman friend. She could only recollect that he said something about preferring to have sex with himself. (As I write this, I'm starting to wonder if he got so used to having sex with himself in his 15-year previous marriage that nothing else was very satisfying....who knows).
Anyway, I moved, he moved too, and continued to live with me. We were a tenuous couple. He had issues over an old girl friend, previous to me, that had been his sexual sizzling fling - the love of his life, who dumped him for another guy. I figured he had to work thru that, so I took the relationship one-day-at-a-time, never really thinking it would end up being longterm. I tried to talk about what it was that had him no longer wanting to have sex with me, what happened during that lunch in 1999? What is the problem. He would only say: "If I tell you, it will hurt you, and I don't want to hurt you, so I'm not going to tell you." I tried other ways to get his interest, I tried other ways to get him to talk...nothing would work. The fragment of info that I think was a factor is that he had decided to date me even though I was "outside of his preferred body type". He preferred short, tiny women, thin with small breasts. He has told me he thought that a chubby woman would be more friendly, easier to know, etc. (My conclusion - that continues - is that I've always been the wrong body type.) We continued to live together, and as life goes, those days added up into years. He also ended up on depression meds, so then he said he didn't want sex cuz the meds killed his libido.... Five years into the relationship, including a year or so of him having his own place part of the time, another crossroad - I was changing jobs and locations again. This time it was a given he was moving with me. Still no sex. Even though I had several guy friends, I actually remained faithful to him, since we were a "couple".
The difficult thing that happened, however, is that he had a stroke right before we were to move. The good news is that he recovered. The tough thing is that I was faced with decisions to make in regards to his life, and us, while he was incapacitated. His family rallied around me and helped me get us moved, and I was able to start my new job. Due to health insurance needs and our longterm relationship, we got married. I thought maybe that would somehow free his conscious if there was some hangup about that...it did not. On the night of our marriage, he told me I would just have to remember those times previously when we'd had sex. There were a few years of stroke recovery - and him having even less interest in sex (he wasn't even looking at ****). Once recovered, his willingness to cuddle returned, but sexual activity is still missing. Any attempt to talk about most anything about our relationship is avoided. When I read the other stories about other men that were unwilling to talk or work on this, and other passive/aggressive behaviors - I could see my husband's behavior is identical. In fact, its been that way all along since the sex stopped. A relatively new development, however, is jealousy. A couple years ago I made a good friend with a woman, and we are like sisters to each other. I have other friends, too, that he is insecure about, but he really doesn't like me having a close woman friend. Part of this is baggage from his previous marriage. He is also a man who will quickly come up with some vague reason to dispise or dislike my other friends.
So....today I was examining my life a bit. Not surprisingly, I've gained a lot of weight across the years since the denial of sex excuse was a vague reason. During the first few years where I tried to initiate sex, he rejected my advances. What is so weird is he seems to use the same behavior (with the exception of using sex as power) as his stories of his ex. All the rejected shrugs and so forth have made it so that I don't even try to touch him any more. I can't even remember how to touch. I can't even remember how to kiss. This is heartbreaking to me as I once was a really good lover. I know that his crap has been part of why I've lost my motivation about my looks and weight. He, also, on occassion will make sarcastic remarks about my being fat - and I do admit that I really have become obese. (I'm not proud of that fact). He, tho, is heavy also.
In my reflections, I discovered that my sex life with my current husband - who I've been with for 12 years - was actually equal to about 10-months total. I was trying to look at why he is rarely in my dreams, and certainly never in my erotic dreams. It was really and "oh Duh" moment this morning. And...with that, its like....HOW did I end up HERE? I'm no spring chicken these days!!! I've also had my angry times about this, and not tactful in talking to him about it. I pretty much just accepted that it ain't gonna happen.
Our relationship is like roommates, except we do sleep in the same bed. We continue to have a rocky kind of relationship, although now I also know that depression, and diabetes were greatly contributing to mood swings that create distress between us.
I guess I'm looking for answers, support, and such. Having had 2 previous marriages end, I've been reluctant to leave....
zeeladyhasneeds 56-60, F 9 Responses 1 Jul 23, 2010