So, So Alone And Ashamed

Maybe it's too soon to tell, I don't know, but I've been married for a couple of months. Before our marriage we had sex, but his 'moods' would wax and wane pretty severely. Sex every day for a week, and then nothing for 3 weeks, that sort of thing. We were together for 4 years on and off, but not having sex the whole time. I am 27 and he is 31..

We had sex on our wedding night.. barely.. and only because it was our wedding night, according to him. After that.. nothing. He has some mental issues (depression, etc, but not on medication), so maybe it isn't fair for me to say our marriage is sexless, but I'm just so alone and in so much pain. I left my job and country to come here and be with him, and I get a kiss.. a peck here and there. In every other way he's a good husband..

I have no friends here. I don't want to tell anyone from home because I don't want them to worry about me here so far away. I can't work here yet so I really don't do much except sit here and wonder how an educated person could end up in this situation. I mean.. there have been times that he was in the mood and I wasn't, but I ALWAYS did what he wanted me to do.. because I love him. Why can't he love me the same way?

He is going to talk to his doctor about this, but I don't know.. last night we had a big blow out and I almost left.. but where would I go? I'm gaining weight and I've taken to hurting myself sometimes... nothing that bad, but it helps with the frustration. I really just need a friend.
alone09 alone09
22-25
3 Responses Jul 24, 2010

I truly understand your intense loneliness. I think it is hard for those who have not moved to another country to really "get" how incredibly isolated and ALONE you feel. It is homesickness with a factor of 10!!!<br />
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Having said that though, you do need to act positively and in proactive ways, rather than resorting to despair and self harm. Personally I think you should acknowledge the marriage is a mistake, ring your folks and ask for the air fare home . . . . <br />
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Don't worry about seeming to have failed; or for losing face with those at home. These are only matters of pride. They may hurt a bit (pride always does when it takes a fall!) but that hurt is NOTHING compared to the anguish of a sexless marriage.<br />
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Your situation is one of the worst - because your husband is obviously not interested in a sexfuill relationship. Why this is so is impossible to know, but long term members here (of whom I am one) can assure you that he is NOT going to change. You can spend years in counselling, end up with a child or two from the (very rare) occasions you can persuade him to have sex, and spend the rest of your young life in misery. . . . <br />
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As soon as you say you are leaving he will want to have sex with you - count on it. Then, once you are thinking he is changing, he will go right back to being sexless. The sex in these situations is only a ploy to keep you in the marriage. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true.<br />
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Please read widely here and find out as MUCH as you can about sexless marriages. It will help you understand your own situation. And come here for support whenever you need it. {{{{Hugs}}}}

(1) You are NOT alone. We are here for you. With you. Any time, night or day, someone will be here. Sad, but true.<br />
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(2) Friends... now there's something. What is a friend? I 'knew' someone for over twenty years who I thought of as a friend. Then they said some unforgivable things to me when I left my wife. I have met more genuine friends on EP over the last 2 years than the rest of my life combined.<br />
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(3) The 'mental issues' are a fairly big factor here... these need to be fully explored and addressed. This is NOT your responsibility; your partner must bear this obligation.<br />
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(4) 'Sexlessness'is a matter of perception. If you feel 'sexless', then you are. Forget the '10 times per year' definition (actually, that's more than most ILIASM members get in five years!); if you are not in harmony with your needs, then you are by definition 'sexless'.<br />
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(5) Stop being a martyr! People CARE about you! Talk to someone; a family member; a friend. The worst that can happen is they will change the subject, or give you bad advice. But you will eventually find someone who cares enough to help. It's a big thing, believe me.<br />
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(6) "...how an educated person could end up in this situation..." Want to swap qualifications? I bet I could give you a run for your money. As could about half of the people on ILIASM. We aren't stupid people here. Just unhappy, and maybe misled.<br />
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(7) If you self harm, you will lose a LOT of sympathy here. Strength of character is a HUGE plus point for most people. Be strong; you will benefit in ways you can only imagine now. Take your frustration out on a heavy bag. Go to Body Combat (I am addicted!). Run. Cycle. Anything; just regain your self-respect.<br />
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Rob x

First...stop hurting yourself. Please. Get HELP with that RIGHT NOW. <br />
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You have friends here. They are cyber friends...but trust me. I have found very real and very valuable friendship here. It is honest and legitimate and has kept me sane. <br />
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Many of our stories are similar to yours. Welcome, if you are new to this. On this website you will find, among other things: Frank and often harsh advice. Caring and Compassionate advice as well. Opinions of every sort. You find out about books, news and whatever else is out there to help you understand why you are where you are as far as your sexless marriage goes. People will commiserate with you everyday and help you keep a sense of perspective.<br />
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I am sorry you find yourself where you are, but I and I daresay many others are here with you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.