Agonizingly Painful Time....

I am really struggling right now. My husband is still in therapy with me, he followed up with phone calls to get his own therapist, but I am feeling more hopeless about this relationship then ever. The agreed protocol is to give him time to follow up on therapy and start medication and give him until November to start to transition into working on the relationship. In meantime, I am to basically focus on myself and give him space.

I am finding this process excrutiating. It took a major crisis in this relationship to shake it to the point where he is getting treatment, he was having online video sex with randomn women for the past year and a half. It is clear that he has OCD and terrible anxiety and there is no chance of anything working in the relationship without him getting treatment, but it took me getting to the very end of my rope to push it to this point and now, I am suppossed to wait in limbo for the next few months in hopes that he may be able to begin to work on intimacy with us.

I don't think I will be able to wait three months to address our issues. After years of emotional neglect and sexual withholding, and the hurt I am have been caused by his lying and betrayal, I don't have three months of him taking off with his friends...doing whatever it is he needs to do to be okay even if it means that I am continually placed at the bottom of his list of priorities while he works to get well. I understand the need for him to focus on himself right now, but I am feeling rejected at such a core deep level and completely unloved, I don't think this is going to work.

I don't have three months in me to be ignored, avoided, and chastised for having any needs while he gets treatment. He told me to back the hell off after I blew up because he keeps taking off with friends and he told me to stand on my own two feet. I am looking at this relationship, and I don't get any needs met throught it. We were once friends, but now I am the ***** he wants to avoid because I am the source of pushing him into help and he would rather escape and not deal with the consequences of the hurt he caused. We have not done one damn thing this summer to have any fun, that is all for his friends and his space taking.

I can't even be around him, it is too painful. To be near him is to feel constantly rejected, unconnected, and hopelessly alone. The therapist and my sister keep telling me to stay with the process as if anything would change, now would be the time and just to focus on me. The truth is that I don't have any real faith that he is going to change, and I don't believe he loves me. It is tricky because I know I am co-dependent, and I may just be reacting to the fact that the dynamic shift is so strong that I can't bear it. I don't know.

All I know is I feel more despondent then before he agreed to get help. I have no hope for us. None. It is becoming obvious that there will likely need to be a separation during this time because just being near him triggers me so strongly that I can't focus on anything but the misery of the situation. Right now, he is fine because he hasn't even begun to go near the true core of his issues and I seem like the crazy one because I am right in the midst of the pain and struggle of mine. I don't think if we separate I will be able to forgive him for this final abandonment, the completion of the emotional to actual physical distance. He will be so relieved to just get away and not have to deal with the mess that is our house and failed life and the reality of hurt he caused with his lies and betrayal.

I think this may be too late. I need so much to be held and reassured but that isn't going to happen. I am so tired of being stoically alone.
I think it would be easier to be alone then to be with someone who just isn't there for me in any real capacity. I am beginning to question the point in continuing any of the therapy together.

I am not going to run into another relationship, so I will have plenty of time to learn to work on my co-dependency through individual therapy and learning to be alone.

I think that I am going to have to be alone. It is so frightening.


rosedl rosedl
41-45, F
5 Responses Jul 24, 2010

Thanks everyone<br />
<br />
I am feeling a bit better today. I had to listen to two hours of Pema Choudron (buddihist meditation and mindfulness person) and take tons of space after my weekend meltdown. <br />
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Right now, my daughter and my husband need me very much and I haven't been able to separate my own hurt and frustration and resentment in having to give so much of myself. I was a teen mom, and I have been caretaking children and men for nearly twenty five years (wow, it really hits home writing that)! It is sad but true that when I can pull it together, the family pulls it together. If I fall, the family falls. <br />
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Obviously, my husband needs to change, but that is what he wants to do. He is going to therapy. He is going to doctors appointments. He is probably confronting the biggest thing in his entire life, and it is hard to stay loving when he has tapped out so much of me. On top of that, I am confronting my biggest fears and trying not to spiral into the despondency thinking that I will never make love again or I will be alone forever or that there is something wrong with me or I just can't recreate my life AGAIN.<br />
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It feels so true in the moment that I just run with it and it is all I see and from there, it isn't a big step to 'what the hell is the point'????!!!<br />
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I do love my husband and I know he loves me. I just have NEVER been able to stay in any relationship when it got to this testing point. I always found another man right away and just ran into the next relationship and threw myself into that and never went through this excrutiating but needed process of feeling my feelings, not letting fear dictate, and just starting the co-dependent cycle all over again.<br />
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I read many people here saying that they left their marriage and they are now with someone else and they are happy. I have done that. Left a relationship, found temporary happiness in another, and then the problems always come back because of the men I choose, the places I run, the fear that dictates everything else. It is really tempting to do it again. Start a wild affair with some good looking guy who will adore me for a short while, but then what?<br />
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This is my place of learning right now. I need to do this work. I may not come out of it with my relationship with my guy, but then again I may. We do have a lot of strengths together but our weaknesses have subsumed them all and we are both face to face with our darkest places.<br />
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What the hell - another few months or a year is not much if I use it to transform myself and face this demon in the eye....<br />
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Thanks for all your loving comments and advice. It really helps to have people to tell this story to - even if I never meet any of you. I love you all.

Wow you have done so well to get to this point without cracking up. My husband too has ocd and it is an absolute nightmare. He "overcame" his 3 years ago but it is now coming back and he is becoming even harder to live with. It seems with him the therapy works for a while but then old habits creep back in. I am also wondering how much more I can take so I do know how you feel. I waited for ny husband to get help once I don' t know if I can or want to do it again. I wish you all the luck whatever you decide

Problem with these things is that often by the time they come around it really is too late. We kick and scream and beg and plead to get them to work with us but by the time they agree to do something about it, we have depleted our emotional resources for coping with it. Then you're left looking like the bad guy (again!) because they were "trying". <br />
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Cut yourself a break, if he waited too long don't feel guilty but do be honest with yourself.<br />
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Princess Wantsarealman

I guarantee if you stand on your own two feet and back off (as he wants) and get up and leave him, he'll want you back, and promise you the earth. But you know it's too late don't you? Do what you need to do and get yourself out of this before you make yourself ill. We are here to help though - hugs from me too - we all know how hard this is xxx

Leaving is scary. It is hard. There are times when you feel that it is all too hard, and you might just go back . . . But at the end, it IS worth it. <br />
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May I suggest you tell your husband that you have discovered that his effort has all come too late . . . that you cannot give him more time as you have simply exhausted all your own resources. I'm guessing he'll blame you for "not caring" - but remembere, he didn't care for a great deal longer . . . Such a remark will only be to deflect blame, rather than reality.<br />
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IF you wish to, tell him it is a separation for now and that you will see how you feel and how he is progressing in three months, or six months . . . But DON'T tell him you will definitely be returning. I suspect that if you leave him he will promptly give up therapy, and then you will know for sure that he is not at all motivated to get well . . . . .<br />
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Many of us HAVE left our sexless marriages, and our lives ARE much better. We can and ill support you in this major life event. {{{Hugs}}}