Being Childish

My H is now 'trying'. Yes, you all know what I mean. Do the bare minimum to keep me off his back. So his 'trying' is not even a distant cousin to my 'trying'.
His idea of sex is to do just enough so that he is satisfied and I am left hanging!
Anyway, somewhere in this process, I broke. The last time he came for this sad excuse of sex, I just walked out. And that has been the pattern for 2 weeks now.
If he tries to put his arm around me in bed, I shrug it away and now, when he gets in bed, I get up and walk out.
Our conversations are back to the non-committal comments and I am not encouraging anything.
I know this is counter-productive when trying to work on my marriage but, for the first time, I feel in control and I am loving it.
Yes, it's petty and illogical and not a good idea. But, I'm loving it! I'm going with the 'eye for an eye' mantra!!!!!
Our next therapy session is this week and I know this will come up then however, till then, I'm going to enjoy it!
eternalhope eternalhope
41-45, F
20 Responses Jul 25, 2010

Might as well file for a divorce so you two can be pissed at each out in the open

eternalhope,<br />
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You are saying that he has never told you that he loves you?<br />
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You are being a martyr for your son's sake. If you must "plug away", then start looking at other activities away from home which do not involve him. If he wants the status quo, you do not have to agree.<br />
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You are in tough situation and I sympathize. Your H is a complete idiot.

@middi - I completely get why my H doesn't bring up the subject. He loves the status quo. As long as things run smoothly at home and his needs are met, he's happy. So, since he doesn't have a problem, he sees no reason to address it. It's MY problem, you see!<br />
Yes, the 'having something special' is a LAME excuse to divert me from the issue at hand!<br />
Since my H has never claimed to love me and definitely not the 'MOST', he really doesn't feel obligated to initiate anything.

Thank you NJ..that's a lovely sentiment. I'll keep plugging away for the next few years..till my son is off to college.

Good for you. I've gotten the "I'm trying" bs too.<br />
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Don't accept anything less than what you deserve. It only cheapens you and you are not cheap.

Well, I had my fun and decided the games were enough so, I called him out on it.<br />
Surprisingly, he did have a clue about what was going on. He said that he knew I was angry and he did deserve what I was doing because he had done the same thing (so he did get that bit of my malice, :) ). When I asked him why he was keeping quiet about it if he knew what was going on, his reply....He was giving me time and space and he knew I'd call him out on it so he was waiting for me!!!!! So, if I had kept quiet, we would still be playing the same game!<br />
Oh, and get this piece of advise he gives me.....he wants me to have something special, maybe go back to college so that I can have something that 'DEFINES' me!!!!! He wants me to focus on other things (unspoken subtext - leave me alone!!!) ARRRGH!!!

It is counter productive but man doesn't it feel nice to make them feel unwanted, unattractive and not cared about. If only he knew what you go through...let us know how it works out because I'm on the verge of sopping myself....only difference is my DH isn't trying and likely would enjoy my stopping.

The plot will work for a while but eventually you'll both have to sit and discuss the issue like adults. I think that will work better than this game you're both playing. or i think you mite have to accept that you've come to the end of the road with your man. the best of luck...

Bazaar's comment just completely cracked me up:<br />
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"Good luck with your next session, should be interesting. I bet there will be the "hurt bewilderment" card played. It's a good card that one ! lol The counter for you might be the "astonished look" card."...<br />
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I would probably counter with the 'incredulous, wtf, you have to be kidding me after all the crap you have pulled card', perhaps nicely followed up with the righteous indignation card. <br />
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So many to choose from, lol!

I suspect from your reply that you are hanging in just because of your son. How old is he? If I am right that you have a son, I guess that he is in his teens.<br />
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Venting is good but try to keep things in perspective. What is more important; your well being and going forward, or to just accept that this is your lot in life?<br />
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I feel for you. You have an inconsiderent and a "me first" husband.

VW luvin and groovin,touchin and squeezin aint so bad. Hit the second hand store and score a nice lava lamp-move the seats back and start rollin although you might need a real guy to do this.........what you have is a broken down FIAT.

Child..The final word in my marriage! MY SON.<br />
I have definitely reached a dead end and am reacting like a cornered animal, lashing out knowing it won't do any good.

I guess that I am confused. If therapy is not working, then why not get out of the situation. He obviously does not respect you and your needs. Is it becauses of children or finances? I wish you the best but I think your relationship has reached a dead end.

@hvac - Retaliation doesn't fix anything but, it feels GOOD! And the pessimism comes from years of rejection!<br />
This is definitely not a long term strategy...I just want to see how long it will be before H brings up that something is wrong!<br />
Regarding the sex, yes...I have vocalised my feelings till I'm blue in the face...he's still 'working on it'..It's just that our clocks work differently!<br />
@rosedl - pity sex SUCKS!!!! Feel like I'm raping him (I know I'm exaggerating but, there it is) Not a good feeling!<br />
@scooter - Cadillac!!! I should be so lucky! I'm having bicycle sex now and I was hoping to graduate to an old, beat up VW beetle LOL

Dear Etenamhope,<br />
I hope you manage to find a way out of this situation in you marriage.<br />
I understand that at the moment you are playing a powergame with H. It seems to me that he has been selfish. It might be a new behaviour for him enjoy sex with you but not satisfying you and this is not good. If his behaviour was something that you didn't notice before getting married it might never be solved but if he somehow he has changed.......look out for clues about what changed.<br />
To play a game sometimes is good but a game can be lost.<br />
I wouldn't treat my life as a game but I wouldn't stay with someone that don't care for me also.<br />
Give yourself a time to sort it out and if nothing else happens, move on, don't waste your life waiting for a miracle.<br />
Take care.

After being rejected for long periods and pleading to get one needs met, quickie/pity sex makes matters worse. <br />
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You have to heal all the bullshit that came in betweeen the two of you. It isn't as simple as just starting to have sex. You need to come to a place where it is safe for you to have intimacy and have your needs and wants respected. <br />
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As the persuer, we are automatically expected to jump up and down if the refuser throws us some crumbs. But, the beginning of reestablishing sexual intimacy requires that you have some say...some boundaries...some respected needs. Your turning away is your way of saying...Uh uh. We aren't doing this on your terms anymore. I have needs beyond your crumbs. I want real resolution. <br />
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You need to find a way to articulate this in therapy.

Can't blame ya for wanting Cadillac style sex and you being p*ssed at his half azzed efforts. No sex is better than this. He is making this a one person activity when sex is about TWO people. Let your theripist know that his effort is in the Why Freaking Bother category.

hvac74 said " PEOPLE CHANGE!!!" I do not agree, people do not change they just show their true natures after a time.<br />
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Regarding the good for me now, if it works go for it. Obviously, you have your head on straight and realize that it is not good for the long haul but if your confidence and strength is returning I do not see the problem with continuing if only for a little while.

To try and save your 'sexless' marraige, why don't you get sex elsewhere obviously without letting your H know. It might just work if you wanna stay in the marraige however, it will be a different story if you don't. I wish you luck whatever you decide.

Aha !!<br />
The old 'retaliatory escalation' !!<br />
<br />
Sometimes, when one is seriously peeved, it is tremendously difficult not to respond in kind - should the opportunity emerge.<br />
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As you say, it does no good, and is counter productive, but at least has the effect of controlling the one part of the dynamic one can - ie Oneself. <br />
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Good luck with your next session, should be interesting. I bet there will be the "hurt bewilderment" card played. It's a good card that one ! lol The counter for you might be the "astonished look" card.<br />
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Seriously though, the "reciprocal escalation" game can spin out of control, so go carefully.