Why I Refuse:

The number of people who share this common experience group never fails to amaze me, but, in response to some of the angst I've seen posted here, I thought I'd take a shot at answering (at least from my point of view), WHY my husband might see me as a "refuser."

1. You want me to drop everything and service you -- but you will not do the same for me.
2. You appear to choose times when the kids or visiting family members are around to hear. Then you seem to show off.
3. You won't see a dentist
4. You get hurt when I won't kiss you because you won't see a dentist and your breath lights up a room.
5. I don't want to hurt you by bringing this (and all the other stuff) up anymore, so I get pissed off (and bristle) when you ask me why I won't sleep with you. You should KNOW why!
6. You don't touch me - except when you want to have sex with me.
7. You demand that I look up to you and support you on everything, but you criticize and disparage me (or "my kind") in front of the kids.
8. You aren't really into giving oral sex and I don't want to ask you for something I know you don't really like doing.
9. If I'm not going to "get mine" when we have sex, it makes the activity a gift for you, and a sacrifice for me.
10. When we had sex, you kept whining about how you were sick of "quickies" and wanted more quality - but you wouldn't spring for a hotel room or a weekend away. When I offered, you always had an excuse why we couldn't/shouldn't go.
11. You've gotten too big, and your girth suffocates me when we have sex. I literally can't breathe. And your physical limitations make other positions impossible. You are aware of this. I know you think you're trying to lose weight. So I don't want to mention this to hurt your feelings because, amazingly . . . . I do care about you.

So, there you go. If I wrote all this before, my apologies. I have a terrible memory. Let me know and I'm happy to delete.

note: marriage counseling appears to be helping us. As hubby has made a conscious effort to sleep in my bed and touch me more, he'll be getting some this week! ;-)
Colormevibrant Colormevibrant
46-50, F
20 Responses Jul 26, 2010

His breath wouldn't be the top issue if he'd focus his oral movements down there...

the time and energy ya spend on figuring out this man who don't want to be with you in the first place could be spent on yourself. You could be in a better relationship. Forget the Oprah approach. It's been talked out too much. It's dead.

I'm sorry we underestimated your efforts at communication. You see, most refuserspouses are incredibly tight lipped and are very reluctant to communicate. <br />
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In your case, it seems you have set it all out for him and he still refuses to "get" it. Well, that leaves you with only a few choices IMO.<br />
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1) Suck it up and continue as you are<br />
2) Insist he changes or you will leave<br />
3) Just leave<br />
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Only you can know which one will be your final choice . . . .

Arrrggghhh!!! I wrote this loooong comment with acknowledgments to so many commenters, and when I clicked "post" -- I WASN'T LOGGED IN!! I lost it ALL!! And you KNOW it was my most brilliant narrative ever, right? Poof! Just like that -- lost in the netisphere (yeah. I just made that word up. So what?)<br />
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Well look. Here's what I remember of what I'd written -- only not as cogent, and semantically unrivaled:<br />
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Anarchist/Christian -- You're my favorite foe. Why would I lie, dingbat? My life's too f*cked up not to be true! & hubby'll read my ramblings on this site only post-divorce (so, never), or after I've joined a nunnery (and had him sign a post-nup that says he won't hold affairs against me).<br />
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@Chai07: Wait. You think losing 200lbs is "easy??" Really?!<br />
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@enna30: Contract sex. *smile* Fun thought. But only if I'm gettin' paid! Truth is, call me a romantic, but -- I can't contract intimacy with hubby. I'm actually the kinda gal who always thought I'd never say "no" to any non-lethal sexual request posed by my hubby. I'd keep forgetting the darned contract.<br />
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@ Longrun - nice balanced approach. Thanks for the note on timing!<br />
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To all: Seriously, after a quarter of a century, you don't think I've tried everything (outside of marriage counseling)? Communication is DEFINITELY not one of my handicaps. Hubby knows the deal. And for the past week he's turned his attention on me full blast. What ****** me off is that I'm just so freakin' EASY. I hate it that a few smiles, pinches and cuddles is all it takes to rev me RIGHT up again and make me feel like not returning my lover's calls or texts (I try not to burn bridges). There should be repercussions for 15yrs of emotional deepfreeze, damn it! This SUCKS!!

People are NOT mind readers.<br />
Don't assume the other party "knows" or "should know"<br />
They often just don't

Hey! <br />
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I boldly offer the best recommendation of all: tell your husband to look up this group on the Experience Project. <br />
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I mean, seriously, what harm could it do?.... assuming everything you said is true.

I don't see you in the same light as my refuser...he did tell me things that were wrong...and as I "fixed" each one...he'd just come up with a new one......now he just avoids me. I did enjoy hearing from the other side but I'm not completely convinced that you are a "refuser" in the way we discuss on this board????? Sounds like you two are working it out and I wish you the best....Maybe you can let him know in a nice way (out of care and concern) that his dental issues are causing him to have bad breath and that you are concerned that others may notice it..... maybe you can prepare healthier meals and start exercising together??? I do agree that presenting it in counceling that way will NOT help just make him feel attacked. Good luck!!!

Communication is the ONLY thing that most of us really want! Yweah, I know we want sex - but we are willing to accept honest communication instead because it allows us to truly understand WHY there is no sex.<br />
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You say it is disrespecxtful to your husband to say these things - but believe me! It is way more disrespectful to leave him not knowing or understanding "why".<br />
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"You should KNOW why!" Yes - if you have clearly told him and he ignores what you have said - or just gets angry - this is a just call. But if you have hedged around the issues and not ben totally forthcoming, then this is not fair . . . .<br />
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My suggestion is that you draw up a contract:<br />
Husband needs to do 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 in order for you to be willing to have sex. In return, Wife undertakes to have sex 2 (3, 4) times a week.<br />
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If he fails to cooperate or refuses to do so, you have every right to continue refusing. But at this point, I'd be seriously considering leaving the marriage. . . . Are you SURE you love him? He sounds like a selfish slob to me - wha's to love, honour and desire there???

I desperately wanted to know the reasons. I would certainly have wanted honest answers, if the problem was something I could fix as easily as going to the dentist, losing weight, or changing habits. The counselor might help the two of you learn to communicate on this type of subject.

It's so great that you're trying - I really hope it works for you - after all you must have fallen for him for a reason, it just seems various issues are getting in the way doesn't it? Good luck xx

Sounds like you are trying and you are open. <br />
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Keep up with the couple's counseling and I would suggest that you use the time to put it all out there. If you are in fear of how he may react, that is a huge issue that needs to be addressed in therapy. If he retaliates in whatever way, that is a MUST ADDRESS issue for the marriage to move forward. You can't heal a marriage with the fear that honesty and openess will result in punishment by your spouse. That is a means of control by the other person, and I implore you to use this opportunity to get to these core communication issues.

Most of us on this forum will never recieve answers as to why our spouses refuse us. This, combined with the fact that they won't be intimate, shows how very little they respect us, our feelings, and our needs.<br />
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If you know why you refuse him then why let him twist on a rope? Let him know so that you can address the issues together. Maybe he has reasons why he won't touch you other than to have sex. . . . wouldn't it be more productive to know those reasons so that you could act on them? <br />
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If you can't share this in counseling, then what is the point of the counseling?

He's got ya where he want ya......................if ya want an omelet than you gotta break a few eggs. Tell this shrink that is makin small fortune already from you. You want to solve this? Fear have no place in a lovin relationship.

OMg! . . . omg . . . omg!!! (bent over holding my gut & cracking up) -- what AWESOME responses! (Except u, Anar -- but u get extra credit for replying TWICE) ;-)<br />
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#1. Money is not a (real) issue for us. My husband will deny this, but he's the type of person who believes in denying himself lest he be caught by "a rainy day." He may die before this day ever arrives.<br />
#2. Anything I've asked my husband to do, I've been willing to pay for. I have excellent dental insurance, and I keep both an FSA and HSA (health savings account).<br />
#3. I feel it would be horribly disrespectful to share the list here with our marriage counselor. Waaaay too embarrassing for my husband. I don't want to do that to him. If things go south again, I may consider sharing a printed copy with him. That's actually not a bad idea -- except that he holds grudges FOREVER. I do fear retaliation, and worse, his giving up on himself.<br />
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I'm at my office right now, and can't type forever -- but thank you ALL for your input. GADad, we could trade spouses! :-)

Thanks for posting. It is great that you care enough to come here. Most of our spouses won't even admit there is a problem.<br />
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Best wishes to you both!

I hear ya Color, I am not all inta a dude with reekin wild animal breath either. Listeren,Scope etc should take care of that problem k? Anar is tellin it true with dentist being pricey. Can't get outta there without being pinched for a hundred for cleanin and even that with insurance. Dentist always say come back in 6 mos as his beamer needs new wiper blades or a headlight again.

Bah. A willingness to go to counselling is meaningless if the person is not using counselling to say what they honestly feel and think. A counselling session could just as easily be used to strengthen the manipulation of the refused spouse. <br />
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So, your husband has bad breath and he is fat. Big deal. My wife had bad breath and she ( thought she ) was fat when we met. Now, she is skinny and ... well... I have no idea what her breath smells like because she never lets me get that close anymore. <br />
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Also, my wife developed a great skill of picking tons of things that I need to do but interestingly, we could not afford them all. <br />
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ColorMeWhatever, <br />
You say he needs to go to the dentist. OK. I hear that it can be expensive stuff. What dental treatment does he need and how much does it cost and here is the important question: Can you two afford ( taking time and money into account ) it?

Thank you for posting from a refusers perspective. I enjoy the fact that you have actually outlined what the issues are, now you just need to list them (even on paper!) for your husband so that he can refer to it when he wonders why he is not getting any. Sure, that may hurt his feelings initially, but if he is going to be (consistently) having sex and tenderness from you afterwards I am certain that it will be a minor discomfort.

I agree with AC....saying something is very important. Don't just wait until you get to the therapists office. <br />
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good luck.

You need to learn that you have to mention things even though you think it will hurt his feelings. <br />
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Maybe you should bring that up in your marriage counselling.