Why Doesn't He Do Somethig About This.

A wonderful kind guy wore away my protective wall that i had built around me and I started a new life with him..   It was wonderful in the beginning........ or was it just me looking back with rose tinted glasses.  If I'm honest I think the writing was on the wall on our honeymoon.  He did manage to consummate the marriage.  He could if he was in the right frame of mind make every fibre of my body sing.  But over time this got less and less.  He tells me that he still fancies me and that he wants to make love to me but cant.  The last time we  tried some months ago now, was a disaster for the both of us with him not being able to get hard.   Now, I realise that  the male pride comes into this big time with my man being a very proud man but............. he wont even consider talking to anyone about this.  He has been diagnosed with diabetic and the lack of libido is a symptom of this but............  I have offered to go with him and do anything to help him.   He just sits and broods on it in his male cave.  I've stood by him through all sorts of crisis that life has thrown our way.... but..... this by far is the most difficult and frustrating to cope with.  I think that at the moment he is just being selfish, how can he say still loves me and fancies me and not want to do anything about it?  Could anyone out there offer any reasons.
groovygranny groovygranny
46-50, F
6 Responses Jul 26, 2010

He should get a physical with blood test. He may be low on testosterone.

Ya need to go lawyer shoppin as this man is Not Into You and you need your ducks in a row as you end this joke of a marriage. Threats and ultimatums have no place with gettin sex. You only want it if it is freely given.

The "male cave" is a bit of a fortress.<br />
Often, the occupant of said cave doesn't even know the combination of the lock himself, even though he may desperately want to get out.<br />
Sometimes (and I'm not saying this time) you need to dynamite the cave. That'll shift the focus.<br />
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Actually, now as I think about it, that IS what I am saying. Dynamite it.<br />
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Dynamite could take the form of an ultimatum - just don't get involved in brinkmanship. The ultimatum has to be one you are prepared to see through. You would know your caveman well enough to wisely choose an appropriate explosive. <br />
Dynamite could be overkill, a few loud and noisy fireworks might be sufficient.<br />
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Good luck

You are right. He IS being selfish. He is letting his issues trump your intimacy, for whatever reason that may be. <br />
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The fact is that he doesn't KNOW if he can or can't because he hasn't sought the medical & psychological help necessary to answer this question. So, right now, it isn't that he can't, it is that he won't. <br />
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And, here is where we all get stuck. You can't force someone to get treatment or go to therapy if they don't want to do it, but you can define what you need from the relationship, tell your spouse the parameters and stick with them. The important thing about this step is that you have to MEAN what you say, as it is worse to set false parameters that you won't keep then setting none at all. He will not take you seriously unless you are true to your word. Threats, cajoling, begging, pleading, crying, throwing temper tantrums simply don't work. <br />
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It sounds as if you have given a lot, and you deserve that to be reciprocated.<br />
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This issue does not resolve itself, and unfortunately, it is the denied spouse that is the one that has to force the issue.<br />
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Good luck. We are here for you.

I am sorry for your husband that he is facing this problem. But only HE can do something about it. You might ask him how he would feel if you had a serious health issue that you refused to do anything about. . . . If that impacted on HIS sex life, the way his illness does on your's, how would he feel if he knew you could get help but refused to do so?? It might help him see that he is being selfish.<br />
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Good medical treatment is available - hopefully you will get some wise advice from men on this forum with diabetes. There are some and they are managing their illness effectively. It CAN be done.

I know that its hard on a male pride. I had to go to the Dr when I first thought it might be me...(I dont have Diabetes...)<br />
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If he refuses to go...he should give options (or your can suggest some)...or reasons...