A Constant Bruise

I know i should count my blessings, it feels so wrong to complain at times. Every birthday wish was to find my Prince Charming, and that he would take me away to a safe place. I am such a daydreamer. I disobeyed my strict parents and fell in love against their wishes. This resulted in them severing their ties with me. Until i met him, i never knew what unconditional love felt like. He is far more accepting of me than my family ever was, and for that i am deeply grateful.

We had a marathon engagement (over a decade) and are married for 2+ years now, but there's been no intimacy since the honeymoon. Even before marriage, there was very little, and he was the only one who got anything out of it. I have yet to know what a climax feels like outside of touching myself. I thought before we married it was because his Mother and sibling (both of whom he supports) live with him and we just needed to keep things low-key around them. And he intimated that we could let the fireworks go once we were married. But now it's down to nothing. He was even reluctant to try when we were on our honeymoon. I went to sleep in tears with him saying that I must be an addict, and that I worried him. He kept saying that sex does not equal love. I don't think i'm an addict. And i don't see it as "sex". I see it as love.

He was my first, and only boyfriend. It was a silly dream to have, but I am a bit of a daydreamer. Now i can't stop looking at other men and wondering 'what if?' i am so ashamed of these temptations. I don't think I would ever cheat on him, but I feel as if he cheated me. I feel so ugly, and i ache to simply be noticed. sometimes i feel like i'm chasing after my parents' love all over again, but he is not rough on my heart as they were. I am not unaware of other men's attentions towards me, but I play dumb towards any such advances. Sometimes they scare me. I pray that as I age, these needs of mine stop shouting at me. But i so ache for that thrill.

Now, i have lost any attraction for him. He playfully touches me, just so he can get some boyish thrill of being able to grab at me like a squeezy toy, but there's no heat behind it. And I see him as a teddy bear-- he's only good for hugging. But no way does he make me melt. I am afraid that down the line, this cooling-off will turn into an aversion to him. And he wants kids! I used to once, so badly, but a turkey-baster comes to mind now each time he talks about it. How else are we to have any? I already wish we had separate rooms. If i fail as a wife, who's to say i won't fail as a Mom. It's like entropy at its worst. It's all falling apart.

One part of me wants to seduce someone new into my bed, no strings attached. Another part of me wants to meditate and kill away all my needs and desires. And then a third part of me, the part that wants so badly to make sense of it all, sees what a great Dad he'd make, and what a great team we truly do make when we're outside the bedroom. But that's all we are, best friends and roommates. The best of companions. All i know is that if he does happen to find someone else, i will gladly let her have him with my full blessing, and never get into a committed relationship again.
walk500miles walk500miles
31-35
16 Responses Jul 26, 2010

And hey, sugar!<br />
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me, tooooo!!!! i just want to do my OWN thing now. i tried to go on a healthier diet, he kept tempting me away from it (brought junk food home every night all of a sudden). I want to watch a romantic movie-- cuz honey, that's all i gots right now! He's balking at it. I try to exercise more, but he's upset when i go without him. (But he's never down to join me in the first place!) I decide to go gluten-free, he brings all these different types of breads home and scarfs them down in front of me. i swear.<br />
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So here we are at the supermarket, and some random guy starts smiling at me, H grabs at my derriere. WTH. Yes, i am in need of some physical attention, but i'm still a shy gal! i am mortified!!! i have married a dysfunctional caveman!!! #&$*$#@!!!!!!!!!! <br />
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what happened to you, H? why did you have to change so much? why did you ABANDON me like this?!? i miss us so much, but you left me a long time ago. i think it's time i left too. This hurts so much!

Hi eternalhope!<br />
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Wow. I get so frustrated to hear that others suffer from this too! You are so lovely to write me with such sound advice. It feels like no matter if we do what our parents say, or not, we still don't get where we need to be. I wanted to write back sooner, but i needed to wait till H is not around.<br />
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Are you still attracted to your H? I don't think i am anymore. We've been together for close to 15 years now. I don't want to hurt him, he has been kind to me. He never raised a hand to me. But i feel like i'm being strangled by a soft cloth. <br />
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I look at Victoria's Secret catalogs, and think hey, i'm young only once! I can still pull off wearing some of these slips of lace! And whenever one of his friends are affectionate to their wives or gets a little flirty with them, he admonishes them for "making him look bad". <br />
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I must have a great deal of resentment buried in me towards him for forcing me to live against my nature, just to accommodate his.<br />
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But i was wondering-- don't the butterflies wear off after a while in relationships? Are there actually married couples out there who still have a passionate love life after 10+ years together? Maybe i'm being too idealistic?

:) Thanks, ScooterLuv. The encouragement means so much. That message felt like sunshine.

Hey girlie,<br />
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I'm glad I have been able to help. I too allowed him (and my family) to convince me that I can not make it on my own (even if I lived on my own for 5 yrs). I too fantasize about living alone and actually doing what I like to do...eating what I like, going where I want, watch what I want...<br />
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My family members live all over the world, he has never made an effort to call my mother. He says he can't understand her accent, and I'm thinking: "SHE ******* SPEAKS ENGLISH YOU PIECE OF ****!" The only times he has communicated with them is when I've called home and literally forced him to speak with them.<br />
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Yes, he is a "nice" guy; as in, great roommate. That's it! I too feel guilty for complaining. He's never abused me (in the obvious ways) but he has killed my drive. He convinced me to not pursue my dreams, telling me he's trying to be more realistic...I wanted a "perfect" husband and I got it, but he is more like a robot than a human being. <br />
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I may end up single for the rest of my life, at least I know that I will live my life to the fullest and on my terms. You will too!

Today you will start to live for you, Babygirl.

You could be describing my life 12 years ago. I did not go against my parents but, married the guy they chose for me! Same result! NO sex on our honeymoon. Cried myself to sleep. No sex after that for the same lame reasons...in my parents house, work...blah, blah, blah and he too wanted kids..THREE!!!!<br />
My stupid mistake was to do everything and have the kid! I didn't resort to the turkey baster but close!<br />
So, from experience, I echo what everyone here is saying...PLEASE do NOT HAVE KIDS with this man at least until this issue is kind of stabilised to a point where you are happy with it.<br />
But, if you are hoping he will find another woman, it may be that you have in your heart made your decision and it's the execution of it that is worrying you.<br />
If he is open to it, you could try sex therapy, counselling...<br />
In any case, work on your independence and start getting your personal things in order.

Hi sugarface, :)<br />
<br />
i am so sorry to hear you have been going through this same mess. What you wrote is such a comfort. i hope that you have found your happiness, or are well on your way now. I try to see it as a disguised blessing that this has happened to us while we are still young. There's still time to fix it, right?<br />
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i primarily feel guilty of being selfish. But in the back of my mind there's a little voice that says i've been quiet for far too long. What is it with these men? They feel they've "locked her in". <br />
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I can't believe i've allowed myself to become a possession yet again. i'm just too afraid to step out of their safety. They've gotten me to somehow believe i can't make it on my own. But i've allowed it too. And i've shamelessly taken their money and generous support without thinking even twice about it. <br />
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But I do fantasize about living by my own means, doing things I actually love (not this wretched field i went into as a peace-offering to my parents to preserve the family name). I have not made myself happy in a long time. Even when i was with my husband in happier times when we were new, i was a ball of nerves worrying about my family and how they were doing. Trying so hard to get them to turn around on how they felt about him. To get him to turn around and learn to like them. To convince him to keep liking me, too. <br />
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I've tried to make everyone else happy first, and still feel like I constantly fail with them. It leaves me feeling so broken. Well, it's finally gotten me angry. Thanks, girl. It's a new concept for me, but maybe what i need are baby steps towards making myself happy first. Finding out what i really want out of myself.<br />
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Thank you. You all are such a blessing for helping me like this. To let me know i'm not as alone as i thought. That it's not necessarily all my fault.<br />
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Peace to you all.

Hi there. Your story (like many stories) sounds like mine. I too have a dysfunctional family who wanted me to marry somebody richer and older. My mother had "husbands" in line for me to marry. I decided against it and married someone from another ethnic background...<br />
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Now that I'm a married woman, they want me to stay married and not bring shame to them. I say live your life for yourself. Don't get confused. Your family was wrong for basically wanting to use you for their selfish gain, and your husband is wrong for treating you like something that should be placed on a shelf only. In life there are grey areas. Not everything works out perfectly. <br />
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So what if you were wrong? That doesn't make our families innocent. We all make mistakes and life goes on. They can judge you all they want, but only you know what will make you TRULY happy. Just have a game plan for yourself. Trust me, you will NEVER satisfy your family or anyone else for that matter. You might as well make yourself happy first.

I am so sorry to hear your family treated you so badly. It sounds as if you would be wise to avoid them - at least at present. I too encourage you to read a lot here - you will find lots of wisdom, support, kindness and good information. Take your time to process the things you learn - and start planning a new life for yourself. You do deserve it!!!

Hi enna30, thank you for your thoughtful response. I think of my family often, yet i feel like i do not really know them. They changed on me so drastically when i turned 21, throwing men at me that they wanted me to marry. They called me a **** when one tried to have his way with me, against my will. When i refused one man who was far too old for me, who my Mom really liked, she called me a '*****.' they wanted me to marry a wealthy man so that my husband would pay off all their debts. even now, i am sickened by how quickly they changed almost overnight. it made me question and second-guess all the good memories and loving moments i had with them.

thankyou, LiveLaughnLove, i have been so down on myself. As for children, yes, I agree with all of you. I do not want to bring innocent lives into an already dysfunctional situation. Although i never foresaw myself deciding one day to not have kids, and i feel guilty i misled my H about that-- it wasn't intentional. He has told me he has some problems with his prostate and has been seeing a Urologist for it, and that is the reason for his lack of interest. But that ship has already sailed, i am no longer attracted to him, he essentially pressed my off-button for him that night on our honeymoon, i was so hurt. i have had a poor self-image all my life, teased badly in school. Blossomed late.

You may be surprised by your family if you contact them and tell them that they were right - you made a mistake. You may have to swallow some "I told you so" remarks, but in the end, it would be worth swallowing some pride to be reunited with your family.<br />
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I would be shocked if your family did not want what is best for you. Although they have been judgemental in the past, they may now be ready to welcome you back. . . Only you will know if this is possible or even desireable for you.<br />
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But do not stay with a man whom you cannot live a normal happy married life with. It is never going to get better - please understand that. And you are a young woman with your life ahead of you. Be strong, brave and fearless now - and reap the rewards later.

You have nothing to be ashamed of... He should be ashamed!<br />
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Stay here with us and keep talking... things will begin to become clear in your mind as you share your pain... <br />
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Yes, you should probably leave, but you need to find yourself first... and as the others say... DO NOT have children...

thanks for reading my long story and for both your comments, AnarChristian and PittieLover.<br />
i feel so-- so stupid. i lost my family for this man. but they were not healthy for me either. all of our friends are his. i have a terrible stigma in my ethnic community due to my actions. i have no one. and i hate myself for allowing myself to spiral into this pity-party. but i don't feel so alone when i'm here. i just found this site today. it is relief to have someone to talk to about this. i've felt so ashamed all this time.

What AC said. Sorry, this isn't normal. Leave.

Do not have kids with this man! <br />
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Run, run, run. You have to dump him and forget about dreaming of a future with this man. He has deceived you in the most heinous way. <br />
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A man who tells his bride that she is a sex addict on their wedding night is evil. A man who does not make his wife's ****** his primary goal during love making is worse.<br />
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Your husband needs an exorcism.