Lost...

To make a long story short I'll just say my husband and I started dating about 6 years ago, I was 17 and he was 21. We were young and dumb, and neither of us imagined we'd one day be married. We both did wrong, both cheated, both lied, and just as we were about to call it quits I found out I was pregnant..Attempting to do the right thing, we tried to make it work for the baby. It was a pathetic failure, and we ended up splitting up after 7 miserable months! The entire pregnancy we both knew we didn't want to be together, he was never home, I wasn't an angel either..we were both doing wrong, and neither of us cared about the other one. After we split up we both started dating other people. I never thought we'd get back together, but after about 5 months we did! This time things were completely different, we both wanted the same things..I went back to school and worked part-time, he worked full-time. We did things together as a family, and about 2 years later I finally agreed to get married. Things were great! Like any normal relationship we had some up's and down's, him losing his job, me stressing about school, but nothing serious. 3 years go by, and we're still happily married...I put on about 20 lbs in the past 2 years (probably b/c of stress from school.) Our sex life was pretty much the usual, he wanted it ALL the time, but I never wanted it. I was fine with having sex twice a month, but he seemed to be going crazy if it wasn't at least 3 times a week...We compromised :) 8 months ago I found out I was pregnant again!! He was so excited about it! His job was going good, I'm almost finished with school...I thought it'd be tough, but we could do it together! For the first few months everything was fine, but now I'm 34 weeks pregnant...I've gained 50 lbs! Our sex life is completely non-existant...After a few incidents I started noticing he wasn't getting as erect or staying erect anymore. I had a total meltdown blaming it on me being fat and pregnant, but he assures me it has nothing to do with me. It got to the point where he was making excuses..I feel sick, I'm too tired, etc. Finally, I convinced him to go to the dr. and see what was going on. They said he has very low testosterone, but our insurance company needed another lab drawn a month later before they'd cover his testosterone injections..the 2nd labs came back normal :( It's been about 2 months, and he hasn't touched me! I'm 100% sure he's not cheating on me, but I don't know what's wrong..I don't know if it's something medical or if it's b/c I'm pregnant? A few weeks ago my mom decided she'd vent about her sex life to me for some unknown reason, and at first I wanted to hang up on her..then I realized my sex life was the same as her and my dads! He's in his late 50's so I explained to my mom that she shouldn't be worried, and then she tells me, he's ALWAYS been like this!!! She went on to say that she put up with no sex life b/c she wanted me to have both parents, but if she could redo it she wouldn't have made that sacrifice..It really has me thinking about my own life. I can't see throwing away my marriage that has no problems besides the lack of sex, but do I really want to wake up in 25 years and realize I've missed out? I just don't know what else to do. None of my friends can even grasp the concept that my 27 year old husband and I are having these problems. At first I was mad at the idea that this was all because I was fat and pregnant, but now I'm kinda hoping that's what it is! At least then after I have the baby, maybe this will all just go away...on the other hand, if it turns out that my husband didn't want to have sex with me b/c I was fat and pregnant with HIS child....I really wouldn't be too interested in sex with him anymore anyway! What do I do in this situation????? Someone please help!
Amber1987 Amber1987
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 26, 2010

Good advice Baz! (See ? That's why I love you - among other reasons . . .!!)<br />
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Amber, don't rush into thinking your marriage will end up like your Mum's - or that your husband has "gone off" you because of your pregnancy weight. It may well be that the combination of low testosterone and concerns about the future with two children (no matter how delighted he is about the baby) are acting as deterrents to his sex drive at present.<br />
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I truly understand your concern - and if your husband does prove to be avoiding sex with you, then you will have some tough choices to make . . . . <br />
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But for now, concentrate on having the baby - not long to go now! And then concentrate on regaining your own health and feeling good about yourself again. Ask him to give you back rubs and to show his tenderness and caring for you in non-sexual ways if he is not currently up to sex itself . . . <br />
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I'm guessing the testosterone treatment will make a big difference to him. Once he starts on that, and the baby is here, he may well start to become the sexy partner you have had previously.<br />
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Don't rush to decide it is "bad" or "good" - let time evolve and see what that brings. I know this is hard to do, but it will be better than acting in haste - and maybe geting it wrong.<br />
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Good Luck with the new baby - enjoy being a mother again. It is a very special time - try not to let other concerns divert you from the pleasures of this time. <br />
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Last bit of advice? Read up on the symptoms of low testosterone. I think you'll find it reassuring to know what happens to men with low testosterone . . . .

You are in the middle of an unstoppable event at the moment. Best wishes with your baby.<br />
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During this time you can think about all the questions in your post, and probably one of the questions will prove to be the key one - off which all the others hang. <br />
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It could be that he has an aversion to sex during pregnancy, it might be as simple as that. Gee I hope so.<br />
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If this not to be the case you are not going to know for a while. Use the time as productively as you can.<br />
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Usually, sexless marriages don't 'suddenly' happen - they evolve into this state, and any return to an ideal state takes a bit of time too (if it's destined to recover)<br />
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You've got a 'heads up' on a potential ongoing issue, but not a lot of short term options. Use the time productively to think through the various scenario's that could unfold. Prepare.