First Year Of Marriage...is It Already Over?

I don't really know where to start. I haven't had the best past with men or self confidence for that matter which caused my issues with men. Then you add the father issues and...well lets just say I have my issues. 3 years ago I was off for another adventure with a man. I met him online as I normally did and desperately wanted a relationship and to find a man I could marry and have a family with. But, I had given up on finding this to some degree. I always would go back to the same old thing, finding a guy online to temporarily patch that lonely feeling in my heart. Though it only was a patch for a split second and then a giant hole and self loathing afterwards. I was really stupid with what I did in an almost self distructive pattern. Then I met this guy. I thought it was just going to be the same. Same old meet, have fun for a little while, one of us get done with the other and end it. This guy seemed different. I decided to do everying "right". I told him everything about my past, waited an appropriate amount of time before sex, didnt let the little things stop me from staying with him. I had always found those minor issues and blew them out of proportion to end the relationship, but not with him. Through our dating I constantly worried he didnt really love me. My friends told me he was using me (when I first met him he made very little money and a friend supported him). I would tell him how I felt all the time, sometimes too much, and we would fight and talk it out. He always said he would change or work on the issues I was having with me. The biggest issue was that we rarely had sex. At first it was once a week...then once every couple of weeks...now once a month if I am lucky. I always told him this was an issue with me. My own self confidence issues allowed this to be a personal hit and deep down (though he says it isnt me) I feel like I disgust him or something. This alone has caused many other issues. I let those feelings fall over in to our daily activities. I nag him about the smallest things, but to me these things are just examples of his real feelings for me and not caring. An example: He constantly forgets things that I tell him or pays little attention. He waited until the night before my 30th Birthday to try and get my present which wasn't at the store any longer so I didnt get it. What I find the worst is that for a year I told him how important my Birthday was to me and exactly what I wanted. I then reminded him a month out and a week out. So, BAM he doesnt care. It can even be something really small like him buying me a soda and because I didnt drink all of it right away, he drinks it. So, BAM he doesnt care. I think that if we did have sex often, I would put little stock in these small things and blow them off. But, everything is an example of how he doesnt love me because if he doesnt want to have sex with me, he must not love me. Or, worse, he loves me but not in that way. I let all these things go and remember the good enough to have said YES when he asked me to Marry him. We got married, had sex 1 time a night on our honeymoon except the night he went fishing all day and I was upset. I thought we were supposed to be in our cabin screwing every minute...or at least a lot. After the honeymoon....well it's been 10 months now and I think in full we have had sex 10 times, including our honeymoon. I just dont know what to do. I feel rejected and am so sad and irritable. The littlest things upset me. He says it isnt me. He says it is just that we are busy, bad timing, or often I hear his stomach hurts (I thought the girl was supposed to have headache). I dont know if anyone has read this whole thing. I know I wouldnt have. But, does anyone know, is this normal? Am I the only one? Is it me? Is our marriage doomed? Oh god, please help!
amcat80 amcat80
26-30, F
6 Responses Jul 26, 2010

Get rid of him. You need crazy, toe curling action. This guy is a dud. You'll feel instant relief once you ditch him. Find yourself a hot young stud that only wants you for your body. After you get tired of that, you can find someone to have a normal relationship with - someone who wants to bang you frequently. Just make sure the current H knows where to find you so that he can get the checks to you on time every month. Life is short.

Amcat, it is quite common for a man (or woman) to be comfortable with self-sex (************ and ****) but to be uncomfortable with couple sex - or sex with another person. This has a lot to do with fearing intimacy IMO. <br />
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Your husband sounds immature and not very reliable or adult in his approach to life. But I honestly think you might be reading WAY too much into his very commonmale behaviour! Many men forget what their wives tell them, ignore requests or overlook special occasions. It is not necessarily a sign that he doesn't care about you.<br />
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You say yourself that you remind him all the time about things that are important to you and that you nag him. I suggest that he has basically "switched you off" because you seem to always be criticising him . . . Could this be the case?<br />
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Try not to get upset over things too easily. I know it is annoying, frustrating and sometimes infuriating - but ask a group of women anywhere and many will have similar tales to tell about their spouses!! <br />
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The sex issue is another matter. He is definitely NOT meeting his responsibilities in this area. Nor does he seem to have EVER been interested in doing so - even before you were married. This is a very bad sign. I think you will need to consider carefully whether you really want to stay with a man who constantly disappoints you and with whom you cannot enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship.<br />
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And - for Heaven's sake!! DON'T Get pregnant now!!!!

Thank you for your replies. I got on here tonight thinking that it would be good to see if anyone responded. It is funny that the answers I get here are similar to what my friend has told me from the beginning...the same friend that nagged me about being single. Funny.<br />
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One other thing that might make a difference. I find that even though we are not having sex, he seems to have a fairly normaly sex life with himself. I say that because on times of us not having sex for weeks I see that he has kept up on his **** online. It is about twice a week for him, even when he has turned me down. That is the added fact I guess I left out. This make me feel even worse and it's not like it is because the girls he is looking at are prettier than me..it is just that he would rather look at them than have sex with me. I don't get that because I am a very sexual person that loves to experiment and like to be open to trying new things. So, I know it isnt that I wont do what he wants, but all he ever wants is the normal bland in and out 2 minute bang. I have mentioned to him that I would like more and sometimes I think I intimidate him. Sometimes I think he has premature *********** issues. Sometimes I think he just isnt in to me that way and really just wanted a mommy. What do you think?

If he aint wanting to shag ya crazy til you can't walk the next mornin than kick his azz to the curb. Ya far too young to be actin like old marrieds from a sitcom. Even Curtis and Ella in their 60's manage to do mattress tag most episodes....................forget the Oprah psycho babble and go find yourself a sweet slice somewhere.

Well, I told myself I would be painfully honest tonight - so here goes: There is nothing wrong with you. At all. In fact, I bet you are actually quite attractive - and you seem to have a little ***** based on your writing. You need more confidence - which is tough to get when you feel rejected. Get over all that other boosheet in your life. What's done is done. When you let go of that you'll feel better in an instant.<br />
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I don't want to speak too harshly of someone I don't know, but based on a few of your key terms above, I think you need to face the reality that you may have married a loser. You undoubtedly deserve more - "better" may not be the correct term. First, this guy should be pulling his weight financially. Two, if he doesn't want to nail you almost daily - something is wrong. I don't care what other people will come on here and say. It's normal for passion to ebb and flow in a relationship, but you need that crazy passion sometime - and it normally occurs in the beginning of a relationship.<br />
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I'd tell him to warm the sheets or point at him like Donald Trump and tell him, "you're fired."

You raise a lot of questions amcat80<br />
And, you answer a lot of them in your story too.<br />
Is it 'normal' ? Maybe. What's normal to one isn't necessarily normal to all.<br />
Are you the only one ? No, definitely not.<br />
Is it me ? Well, you are part of the marriage so you'd have to have some role in it, but apportioning blame is not likely to help the situation.<br />
Is our marriage doomed ? Jury still out on that one, but at least the matter is before the court. That's a very good thing.<br />
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I am back on my hobby horse here of "connection / intimacy / involvement" which, if present, engender sex as a part of the whole picture. The lack of sex (personal opinion only) is a symptom that the other elements are missing. <br />
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I reckon you know what's missing.<br />
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Whether it is retrievable or not is the great unknown. <br />
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Read the stories here. Everyone is at a different place on the journey, and you will almost certainly get a wide range of input. Some of it will resonate with you. There are answers to this situation - but they are seldom 'easy' 'quick' or even palatable answers.