A Book You May Want To Check Out.

The book is Making it as a Couple by Aaron T. Beck, MD.

We had purchased this book from a couples therapist we were seeing a couple of years back. We had only seen him a few times but he highly suggested the book so we bought it. He was very odd, I suspect had a drinking problem and his office which was in his home smelled horribly of cat urine so it was a very short relationship. We moved on and never really bothered to look at the book.  I found it recently while unpacking some boxes in the basement . Unlike other books it is short and to the point, more like a workbook. My husband and I have started it and it really does make you accountable. You can probably take a look at it on amazon. I think it was pretty inexpensive. I wasn't going to bring it up but it is so different from the many books I've read I felt it was worth a mention.   
41olivia 41olivia
41-45, F
9 Responses Jul 27, 2010

Olivia, I'm with you on this one. If the main purpose of reading self help books or getting therapy is to save the marriage, then chances are this won't work. Even if the other party takes part, they must fully COMMIT to the process, and very very few do so, sadly.<br />
<br />
But as for learning about oneself and changing oneself, these strategies are very valuable IMO. My therapy / self help journey lead me to understand myself so much better - and to allow me to start again. I also believe I am a better partner in my new relationship because of it.

I found a book by him, but it wasn't Making It As A Couple - It was entitled, "Love is Never Enough" - he had written a "review" on the back of a book by that title that you mentioned, but he wasn't the author. Do you think the book is now titled, "Love is Never Enough"?<br />
<br />
Just curious - I am always interested in other ways of thinking and looking at things!<br />
<br />
Also, I agree with your comment about change and expecting something in return - that is what has happened countless times in my marriage - my husband changes some behavior (mainly his bad attitude) temporarily and then gets mad and resentful when I don't react the way he expects me to! Like right now, for example - LOL!<br />
<br />
Thanks for sharing the information!

There are many wonderful self-help books to read. Perhaps one or the other believes they understand the message and wants to apply the exercises to their marriage. If both accept the messages and start to work on their differences, of course, results are possible but never guaranteed. It is a personal choice, just as staying together is a choice.<br />
<br />
I am 61 ... and I have spent a lifetime reading self-help books ... they were excellent and sometimes they were well received by my husband ... Now comes the however ..... however ..... he never really thought we had any problems ... I was the problem .. I was the one who would not stop thinking about what wasn't right .... I was obsessed with making the marriage happy .... now ... Thank God .. I know this ... and see that it takes two to become one ... At this stage of the marriage .. we are still not one nor will we ever be one ...<br />
<br />
Reality is ...............sometimes so stark ..... we want a big band-aide to protect us from the internal bleeding ... fact is that there is not a marriage counselor in the world that can fix anyone unless those anyones want to be fixed .... Our last couple counselor ... whom we no longer see .... referred to us as a Love Story .......simply because h showed up for the appointments and we lasted 41 years together .... it is all according to how someone wants to define the marriage ..<br />
Pay the bucks and they will fix you? Nope ... see the reality and we will fix ourselves ..<br />
<br />
Blessings and Good Luck

save your $ and put aside for your get away fund. this man aint gonna change.

Bazz, I'm with you. My stbx wouldn't read a book about marital issues if I'd put a gun to his head. He also had to be dragged to a therapist, and at that? It was a joke to him. It isn't a joke ANYMORE. Now he would go to the ends of the earth...yeah right.

bazz- I used to agree with that but I am not sure I do anymore. I think the problem is that the changes we make are with the expectation of getting something in return and when we don't in the time fr<x>ame we have deamed we go back to our old ways. One sided change would certainly affect the relationship. Look how their position on sex has changed us.

I've read a lot of books etc about this subject.<br />
Trouble was, I was the only one in my marriage who was doing so.<br />
Likewise counselling.<br />
<br />
I think there are some very valuable resources in books / therapy / etc that exist.<br />
<br />
But if only one person in a troubled relationship of TWO people is doing the work then it is merely an academic excercise.<br />
<br />
Sure, it aids the readers personal growth, and understanding. But it fixes NOTHING if only one person is doing the hard yards.

Fay- Our last visit was like something you see in a movie. Not only did I sat down and my pant leg got wet by something on the front of the couch he actually fell asleep in the middle of his sentence. I am not kidding you. In fact I should thank him because my husband and I laughed hysterically the whole ride home!

Oh yeah? I just read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. That book was excellent. I'll have to look your recommendation up. <br />
Couldn't help but get a giggle out of a drunk, smelly therapist!! ;)