Am I In A Sexless Marriage?

My apologies if I am not posting this in the right location. I've lurked on the boards, tears flowing, and thinking I've found the mothership my pain was seeking. But I want to make sure I am truly in a sexless marriage and not just being d**** picky.

All through sowing my wild oats I was the aggressive one and extremely confident. I am very much like that in day to day activity and it's expected in the bed room. Not to mention my sex drive was equal w/ all of my partners. So when I met my H, I of course, initiated sex with in the time frame I thought reasonable (we had been dating 2 weeks). He wanted to hold out until we were exclusive. I agreed but thinking it was different then everyone I had been with. We eventually had nice vanilla sex and the day after I tried to initiate it yet again and he refused (I am thinking this should have been my red flag). Fast forward to talks of lack of interest in the bedroom, my entertaining the idea of my ex boyfriend, and then working through some issues through our faith, to get married and to seemingly have a partner who isn't interested in the sex. He cuddles, he's thoughtful in some areas around the house, he lacks a passion on a daily basis. I am the constant initiator of sex, which we have about 1x a week on average. We have been married for 2 years and together for 6. No kids. We had a nice little heck raiser of a fight which has spawned me to ask for marriage counseling because i believe his drive isn't normally. And after talking to my friends about their sex life ... it's not. Here's what I get for reasons why:
a. He's 35 and his drive isn't what it used to be - he's been saying this for 6 yrs. i know he's not 18 but COME ON. Once we actually get into the bed room, he can get it up.
** I am asking that he get his testosterone levels checked.
b. Work is stressful and Sex isn't on his mind. I asked him during our fight if he can escape with sex, his reply... no.
c. We've vacationed expecting to have more sex and we don't... o.k. maybe an extra time.
d. It's not exciting and the same positions, forplay, etc. I asked him about this and he said he's not into experimenting w/ new things, positions. He has no interest in bringing in toys (battery operated b*******) etc.

woohoo81 woohoo81
13 Responses Jul 27, 2010

You are lucky, you don't have any children with this man. That complicates things considerably. If sex and intimacy are important to you, and it sounds like they are, you need to end this marriage. If he thinks once a week is plenty and you wish you had a partner interested in everyday, this won't get better. Only worse. <br />
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I remember the years of once a week sex,...the first few years of my marriage. It will get worse. You will either begin to resent him so much you begin to hate him or you will have an affair(s.)<br />
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I don't think the reason "why" is all so important, and usually there isn't a clear reason, at least not a simple one. All that matters is that he will never be what you want and need as far as a lover and husband. <br />
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I have never seen this situation play out in a positive way,...for me, or the many other stories I have read here and heard elsewhere. I don't believe it gets better for anyone. There are three choices available to you, divorce him, have an affair, or resign yourself to a sexless marriage and ********** yourself to numbness.

i definitely will not consider that a sexless marriage so many of us on here pray for once a week or hell once a month even! I believe you have a paced sex life and maybe what you are lacking is spontananity in your marriage but not a complete lack there of of sex!!!!

Loader, you are making a HUGE mistake in assuming that sexless marriage is a man-only issue! It is obvious that you have not read anything on this forum or you would never dare post such a reply!!<br />
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At least 50% of the posters here are women in sexless marriages - because their MALE spouses refuse them sex. As for your comments about looks - some of these same women have had / are having fantastic sex with another guy. You are making the common mistake of assuming that if the women are being rejected, it is somehow down to them as they are not sufficiently good looking! Give me a break!<br />
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Now, please go and read the many stories and forum posts here and then come back and have a sensible discussion about your own situation, OK??

I don't know what you look like (yes looks are part of it) but somethings not right her. I'm 42 and my sex drive has not waned (yet) I still get errections easily (not as easily as I did in middle school of high school meanin just a breeze would cause them). Now my question is what is a reasonable number of times per week or month that you expect to have sex. For me ultimately it would be every day and sometimes multiple times a day, however I live in the real world and would be ecstatic to have sex 3 days a week especially if my wife initiated it once or twice out of that 3. Instaed I settle for once every two to four weeks, and I always have to initiate it. ugh! <br />
Now I don't want to cause you fear, but most guys I know want sex especially if their wives are the there are only three things I can think of 1. a medical condition he's hiding from you, 2. he's lost his desire for you (there is someone else or he wishes there was someone else), 3. or he's hooked on online ****. To be honest with you if your are half good looking and were my wife you'd be beating me off with a stick. Refering to your C and D above. We went oin vacation to my parents place in Maine this summer for 10 days we didn't have sex once. I had hoped for just once. As for D I did buy her a mini vibrator and yes we have used it, but that's as much experimenting as I've ever gotten. I like different positions, and I'd like to try anal, however whenever I try anything she resists and acts like I'm trying to turn her into a **** star.<br />
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I'm very frustrated.

I agree with the other people who have commented. I don't think the number of times you have sex is the issue - for some people once a week is plenty, for others those are starvation rations. The point is that you are mismatched. I would suspect that he has issues around sex, because although most of the men I have dated/slept with have varied in their enthusiasm and taste for sexual activities...all of them were willing and active participants. The earlier in the relationship, the more enthusiastic.<br />
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Some people are asexual or find the act a turn-off entirely, because it is messy and sticky. If you love him and want to try to fix it, there is no alternative to talking in depth about it or finding a counsellor. Even then, if he has a secret fixation for shoes or dogs or ladies of the night... and a goddess/madonna complex about you, it's not going to be easily fixed. <br />
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I was engaged to a man who was gay... I loved him desperately and I SO wanted him not to be gay, but eventually I had to recognise that he was what he was. He tried very hard indeed not to be gay. I would think that even the evidence you talk about could be part of a massive effort to persuade himself as well as the rest of the world that he isn't gay. <br />
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Anyway, you have my heartfelt sympathy and I hope that you take whatever steps are necessary to fix it or to leave and find a more compatible partner.

I love my wife. She's wonderful, and the last thing I want is to hurt her... but we also have issues with mismatched libido. There is no easy answer when you love someone but they can't (or won't) provide what you need. Try professional sex counselling as a couple. If that doesn't help resolve your issue then be prepared to make a serious choice: sacrifice your sex drive, be unfaithful, or get a divorce. <br />
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Divorce sounds bad (especially if you love other parts of your husbands personality) but might be the least painful for both parties in the long-term. Marriage always involves compromise but shouldn't mean you deny part of your very nature.

being in a sexless relationship... I understand and I did not look at the red flags... You dont have kids and it will never get better... and if you are not ready to have an affair than you better just pack up and leave... I know that its easier said than done and I should pack up my own stuff... however, talking to some women it seems that the motherly type just are taught to take care and not shown the reason why we just give up.... I hope you have better luck than me...

if the dude don't want to shag ya, no amount of talkin and watchin oprah is gonna change it. face it. if ya gotta break luvin down to a contract and write out the days, it's ovah.......ovah and done with! now go find a dude with a sex drive.

It's only going to get worse - get a divorce asap - please do the Donald Trump "you're fired" thing and point the finger at him - dying to hear how that would play out in reality. There are plenty of "normal" guys out there - find one.

Don't get pregnant!! Even if this is very unlikely, guard against it now! Your husband sounds very disinterested in sex. I suggest you read a bit about "asexualls" - a category that I feel deswcribes my dear ex husband. It may give you some insights into your husband too. There is an experience on EP called "I am asexual" where you might also get some useful insights . . . .

You're right, you are in a sexless marriage and you had a red flag and ignored it. He has problems with intimacy of any kind. No kids? Divorce him and move on. No alimony (it wouldn't amount to much after 2 years anyway). Take some time without an intimate relationship and allow yourself to decompress. Be more care with your next relationship and hold off any sex for at least a year so you can get a better feel for how it's going. My favorite test is asking him if he would swim a croc infested swamp to bring you a lemonade. If he says yes right off, it's a really good sign.

I have brought up the gay issues - and he has assured me he is not. I did find **** on his computer when we were dating and it was totally straight ****. I'm not worried about the gay, I'm worried about the drive and lack there of it. <br />
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Thanks for your words Javelin!

I'm much older than him and most of my friends are. Most of them have high sex drives and I think I'd consider mine normal. My roommate has to take testosterone (cream) due to a childhood growth issue. He is very active. VERY!<br />
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This is definitely not normal. Something is going either physically or mentally. If he's reluctant to go to counseling or even a physician that could be a red flag for something else. Have you entertained the thought he might be gay? Something to consider. Not saying you should bring it up but keep pursuing the counseling and physician. If he pushes back then this may not be simply a lack of interest in sex.