Update - Advice On The Talk

Following on from all of your excellent advice on the Talk - I tried to have it last night. I of course forgot most of the advice but did remember some. I decided that I would initiate sex, which all went well until it stopped - before either of us had climaxed, but at least we were close, at least he touched me, at least he was prepared to listen.

So I broached the subject - telling him that since last telling him of my raging libido, nothing but nothing had changed and in fact if anything it was worse. I asked him if he felt at all sexual, why he felt he couldn't ******, what we could do to raise his interest. As usual he was nice, he said he might go to the doctor to see if there was any particular reason other than TATT (tired all the time) for his lack of libido. He said his back is hurting him and his lack of physical fitness affected his performance and that yes, he should either join a gym or do some sport he enjoys.

Yes, I did chicken out - I didn't lay down a time scale, I didn't lay out the consequences, I didn't push the issue. I am a coward.  So I have had part of the Talk - I will see how or if anything changes, if not then............I will try again to have a more in depth and serious talk.

Someone on EP has just forwarded a book called Uncoupling - it is just terrifying how accurately this book lists what I am doing to my marriage and the reasons behind it - it had me in tears.

wisiwig wisiwig
46-50, F
11 Responses Jul 28, 2010

keeping the communication healthy can help your relationship, it's not bad to experiment some things on bed, it will keep the romance alive

Thanks for the positive feed back. It doesn't feel that positive at the moment but I do have my fingers crossed. Another version of The Talk coming up - I will chip away at it until I know where I am and what I can live with.

In the past ten minutes I've read two posts by MEN who think it is "weird" that there are male refusers. . . Jceeman, read the many stories and forum posts. About 50% of the stories here are from women whose male spouses will not have sex with them. And before you make the mistake of the other poster, this is NOT because we are supremely ugly and unattractive. . . Some of us are in passionate relationships with other men - it is / was just our spouses who were refusing sex. OK??

Yes, that book, UNCOUPLING, is a must-read for everyone - especially BEFORE they get married or coupled.<br />
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What's weird in your situation is that it's not the woman who's lost interest in sex but the man. Weird!

Give yourself a break. You've started.<br />
This situation usually sneaks up on us over time, so, it'll take some time to resolve it.<br />
You'll know pretty soon if he has taken it seriously.<br />
Then you take another few steps.<br />
Go at your pace.<br />
Good luck.

Well done Wisi! I totally agree that you are on your way - and, as ETG says, most of us have DOZENS of "The Talk" - each time getting a little clearer ourselves about our wishes, and hopefully helping our spouses understand too.<br />
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I'd strongly recommend asking him in the next 10 days if he HAS contacted the doctor . . . It will give you a chance to see if he is just mouthing off to keep you at bay (sadly, this is most likely) OR doing something about it . . . <br />
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If it is the former, you might want to go for The Talk #2 and stress with greater insistence that this is a deal breaker in the long term if he does nothing to help himself. Small steps, my friend!

WW: Uncoupling is a great book. I read it shortly after I separated. I realized while reading it, that my husband had uncoupled or never quite coupled, long before I started my own process. It is quite sad when all the pieces start to come together.<br />
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We all have our own journey. I am wishing the best for you while you take yours.

The talk sounds like a total buzzkill for the man. If he aint interested in shaggin you, going in Oprah mode aint gonna change it.

Wisiwig - The Talk is hard, the first talk, but you are on your way.<br />
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I don't believe there is only 1 talk; they are always many and over time it all comes out, bit by bit.<br />
The questions, why don't you . . . ., why do you feel like . . . . , why can't you . . . . .<br />
It has started now, maybe next time you can say - Why have you not joined a gym? Why have you not seen a doctor about your back? Why didn't you go to bed earlier if you are tired?<br />
Eventually the talk will narrow down to key issues, he may twist and worm his way around things, but there is a point when one can no longer hide.<br />
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The questions become more like:<br />
I am desperately unhappy, lonely, unfulfilled, I cannot go on like this, will you try? How will you try?<br />
I need you to start immediately. Will you do x,y,z today?<br />
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It is a process of narrowing down.<br />
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The talk in all of its forms took me maybe 2 years in all. There is nothing left to say here for us.<br />
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I believe you do need timescales, for yourself at least. Ask him to do x,y,z by a certain time. If he does not then ask him the next day why he did not. Start the talk again. Tell him how important it is. Do not leave any room for misinterpretation.<br />
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After I skirted around the issues for a while, probing, digging, speculating, not offending, it came down to this:<br />
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"I am desperately unhappy with the lack of affection. I have been to counselling to see if it is me and the consensus is it is not. I feel alone in this house. I feel you are a friend or my sister, I am desperate and sad. I am worried that to love you as a sister will be the undoing of us, as I need more, I need a wife. I cannot change how I feel, I have tried but I cannot. I am worried about our marriage, I need you to help me, and I need you to try to work on this with me. Will you do that?"<br />
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I started as you, small probing talks, and suggestions. Slowly raising the issues. It will develop from here.<br />
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Well done.<br />
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I wish you luck.

You are anything BUT a coward - sounds extremely brave and understanding. Whatever comes of it, seeking medical advice can't be a bad idea. My wife was convinced she wasn't depressed. She went to our doctor 2 days ago to arrange for us to be referred to a councilor. In addition to sorting out our therapy appointment, the doctor told her she definitely was depressed and started her on treatment. At the very least it will draw a line under medical causes. I hope your H goes through with it - wish you all the very best of luck.

I don't get it. God how I would love my wife to initiate sex with me. My wife has no libido / sex drive what so ever. I always have to be the initiator, and when I am the initiatorI generally get one of a handful of responses (that's all you ever want, I'm tired, how about later, no, etc.) Rejection hurts. At this point I'm ready to start over with someone new. I need excitement. I need someone who understands my needs (as trivial as they may seem are important too).