The Long Cold Spells

My sex life with my wife has gotten worse and worse. It is getting to be longer and longer in between times when we have sex. The latest being 6 months. I have tried to figure out what is wrong and make any effort I can to fix the problem but she will not try anything. I am at my wits end and am starting to look elsewhere
irishguy7us269 irishguy7us269
41-45, M
6 Responses Jul 30, 2010

Keep trying. I know everything looks grim and lets face it, it is grim but she is still the woman you married. She's probably going through something and is too embarrassed to talk about it with you. It took me 3 years to get my husband to admit his depression. And now it's going to take time to get him into a doctor...etc. BUT things can get better. It's always difficult to suggest someone needs counseling, most likely they will feel insulted. Try saying something like this "I'm going to talk to someone about my frustrations with our relationship and I'd really like it if you could come." Even if she doesn't right away counseling for yourself can help you gain a better perspective on this and possibly even convince her into it.<br />
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Don't give up hope. I know how tempting that is, I really do. I'm an attractive (guys hit on me all the time) 23 year old woman in a near sexless marriage, temptation is everywhere but that would only add to our problems. Give it another shot. Give your relationship a deadline and let her know how serious this matter is...but give it another shot.

Talk to her if you can - that is where you start - from there you may be able to sort out and deal with any problems. Good luck.

It's a bit short on detail IG, but 'in general' eternalhope's post makes the most sense to me.<br />
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Clearly there is a problem in the marriage which invoves TWO (2) people. <br />
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At this point, only ONE (1) of the people thinks there is a problem. That's the first hurdle to try and jump over. You have to make it crystal clear that there IS a problem. This can be easier said than done. The person who doesn't think there is a problem may often try and deflect any attempt to discuss the matter as being YOUR issue, not theirs. Be warned, sometimes you can NEVER get past this point.<br />
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Let's hope you do.<br />
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Next comes a plan to do something about this matter. If the other person has been convinced there is a problem, it is no guarantee that they want to do anything about it. Again, an attitude that it is YOUR issue, not THEIRS may be in evidence. They may not say this though, stalling / vacillating / deferring tactics are often the preferred option. <br />
This may lead to YOU doing all the work to seek answers, a plan etc. If this is the case it is dead in the water - because ONE person cannot do anything of a sustainable nature that involves TWO (2) people. Indeed the non contributing person may even passively / covertly undermine any efforts the person doing the work puts in.<br />
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If however, yours is one of those rare cases where you can<br />
(a) get your spouse up to the line be honestly believing there is a problem<br />
(b) get your spouse to be a genuinely contributing partner in seeking a solution - or at least 'betterment' of the situation<br />
- well then you have a shot at success.<br />
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Good luck. But at this stage step one, her owning her part of a problem between the two of you is the starting point.<br />
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PS. Keep your mind open to the possibility that you have some ownership in the problem too. It's rare that one person is totally 'in the right' and the other is totally 'in the wrong'

Tell her how you feel - it's her problem to fix - and give her a timespan to do it in. If it's not improving, what will you do? - tell her that too. This is serious - six months!! And she needs to realise that. x

Do yourself a favor. Ditch her. Go out and nail a hooker. You'll feel better in the morning.

Since the problem is not with you, your trying to figuring it out alone is a futile effort. Getting into therapy is good for both of you. She just has to agree to it and follow through. The longer you wait, the more anger and resentment builds up and it becomes more difficult.