Unhappy Birthday

I was reading about the all too horrible feeling of a sexless anniversary, and got to thinking about a comment my STBX made to me last week regarding birthdays. For me, when I was deep into a ten or more year `issue' with sexlessness, each birthday would come up,and try as I might I could not help but feel overwhelmed that another year of my life had gone by without the one thing I needed most. We would go out for meals, open presents etc but there was never a chance of intimacy even on this special day. I'm 47 now, and have finally left the marriage this year, but I even remember as far back as my 30th birthday when we had been married less than 2 years, walking around with blue balls on our idyllic getaway retreat. I was given a special cake, but at no time did it even enter her head that a really nice way to start a birthday might have been with some lovemaking.

Year after year I came to dread my birthday. I was so depressed and uptight about it a year or two back, that I actually walked out in the middle of our `celebratory' meal, I just couldn't take the sham that it was any more. She STILL did not even have the decency to ask what was wrong. I lost count of the number of deadlines I set for myself for things to have to improve, which of course they never did.

Recently I was rescued out of the blue by a wonderful woman I have waited so long to meet, and the keys to the jail were finally mine. I left the marriage and started to live again. I was however on a short holiday with STBX for the sake of our young daughter, (and the fact that it was paid for !) and STBX's birthday fell on one of the days. I told her she should celebrate with her family members, as it wasn't appropriate for me to be there. I thought a little and said "anyway you certainly messed up enough of my birthdays".

Her classic reply, and abject dismissal of year upon year of intense pain and agony I suffered on those days in particular?

"I didn't mess them up, it was your attitude"


skippyboy skippyboy
46-50, M
8 Responses Aug 1, 2010

ANEWME: Yeah, that must have been nice and romantic for you : "let's get this out of the way". My God. The more distance I have from the relationship the less I can forgive, as all of the abuse she put me through rises to the surface....it is astonishing how much I put up with and for how long, believing that there was no way out. <br />
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I hope it keeps moving forward for you,and keeps getting better.

Number one--isn't it wonderful when we take control of our life again---<br />
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My X used to do the same to me--my fault--but he wasn't into me. I remember him once saying--it was New Year's Eve--let's have sex before we go out that way I don't have to worry about it.---I thought WTF!!!!! <br />
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Life has changed so for the better---it's just moving forward and getting better.

Good for you on finding someone that makes you happy. Just remember that it wasn't your fault during the previous relationship. Guilty people always place the blame elsewhere, she just regrets what she gave up and is bitter. You deserve happiness.

Ah yes.<br />
The birthday / christmas gift(s) of material things to prop up the facade of "see what a good spouse I am everyone. Look. I purchased a (insert ob<x>ject of your choice here) for him. This shows beyond doubt what a normal wonderful marriage we have"<br />
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No wonder birthdays and christmas give me the screaming ***** !!!!!!

She blamed it on 'your' attitude? Classic. I guess you should have just been appreciative of a cake. Who needs love-making anyway? Shouldn't a cake say it all?<br />
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Giving one's spouse a birthday card, a special present and a nice meal at a restaurant is all good, however, all one really wished for was for their spouse to give them what money can't buy and that's sexual intimacy. Cakes and cards? Even my friends did that for me. What I wanted from him was so much more than an expensive meal and it wouldn't have cost anything...except for him to give me of himself. That was the only thing I had wished for.<br />
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However, I, too, am now in a wonderful relationship, and you know what I want from him for my birthday? Him, just him. But if he wants to throw in a chocolate cake, too, well, I won't complain!<br />
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Good luck to you and your lady friend. I hope you get what you wish for this time.

Chocciebean: How she does it so easily is the question I will never know the answer to ! She does it without batting an eyelid. All the angst and torture I went through on a regular basis for years adds up to a big fat zero as far as she's concerned, but thank God I finally realised that things would not change, at least not in this lifetime !<br />
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Snowwhite: Thank you so much for your good wishes. My new lady friend's marriage suffered in a similar way, although neither of knew this at the time we started to fall in love. We are so lucky to not only be able to work through the stuff we have been through, we are doubly determined that we will never make the other suffer in that way ever again. Yes indeed the irony of a massage voucher is very sad indeed. The absolute insensitivity which seems to be universal to refusers never ceases to amaze me. The number of times I bared my soul and explained exactly why it "couldn't go on like this" added up to nothing. "Soon" seemed to cover it for her and would have in perpetuity I think !

Congratulations on moving on with your life! It's wonderful that there is a woman in your life! I dread "special" days...he asks me what I want and I tell him there is nothing material he can give me. I often get gift certificates to a local spa so that I can get a massage...don't get me wrong, I love a professional massage...but it's like he does not even get the irony of paying someone else to touch me.

How do they do that so easily? How is it all your fault all of a sudden? And how is all your suffering and talking ignored so easily? Drives me crazy this self-righteous bs! xx