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I Can't Get Over My Mistress And It Hurts.

When I met my mistress we were both married. She for 1 year and me for 11. (I am 14 years older).
She had a troubled marriage and left him 6 months after we started.I have 2 children and she has none.
For 3 years we have been together and she has waited. I almost left. I signed a lease, told my wife I was leaving and chickened out when I had to talk to my children.
My wife and I basically have a sexless marriage. She was diagnosed with Graves disease 2 years after we wed and the medication she was on severely effected her sex drive. I knew it was for better or worse and stayed faithful. After 9 years of having sex less than 10 times a year, I met my mistress at work. We talked and we clicked. As in all the stories, one thing led to another and we became sexual. Then we fell in love. I wish I didn't. Love really sucks sometimes. I realize I am all over the place but please bear with me. I have never talked about this and I feel relief as the words come out.
Presently......She waited and waited. All through the missed holidays, the short nights when I couldn't stay, the limited contact on weekends until she couldn't wait anymore.
We broke up twice in our 3 year relationship. Once for a month and once for 2 months.
I fear today is the 3rd and final time.
Today was different because it was me that ended it.
We got together again a month ago when she called me for my birthday. We met for lunch, I drove her home and we ended up in bed.
For a week I was happy as I have been for a while, then things changed.
She stopped texting me, she never initiated contact and only responded with short answers when I reached out to her.
I used to talk to her everyday and now days would go by without hearing from her.
When I asked her about it she said that she could no longer give me 100% because I cannot give her what she needs.
She said she is holding back because if she gives her heart again and gets hurt we can no longer try again.
I understand this. I also understand that she is doing this to get over me with me as a comfort zone. I no longer know what she is doing. She says she is with friends, but I believe she is dating and trying to find someone.
I wrote her a note today and told her I can no longer stay around and watch her get over me.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed and my pride won't allow it.
I also realize that I am being selfish and need to let her go.
I have a wonderful wife who has never cheated on me, tells me she loves me everyday and I don't know why I can't simply stop this and be with her as she deserves.
My wife is a nurse on overnights and I spend half the week alone at night.
How do I get over this? How do I stay strong and not call?
Should I leave and try to start a life with my mistress?
Even now, I hope she calls. I pray I receive a text from her. And then again......I wish she wouldn't.
Has anybody gone through this?
Please help.
loveitsimple loveitsimple 41-45 53 Responses Aug 1, 2010

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I'm in a similar situation but not exact. My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We split up for one year two years ago and then reconciled. She cheated on me just before our separation and in fact wanted a divorce. During our separation I began to date. I dated multiple women at once, my way of trying to get over my wife. It's funny that once I got my confidence back and began to date my wife decided she wanted me back. At that that moment I was enjoying myself and wasn't sure I wanted her back. Eventually I decided to try and work things out. I tell myself it was for the kids, but I still loved her. I broke off the relationships with the women I was dating.
However, one of the women stuck around. She would text me while at work and convinced me to meet up. She's incredibly sexy and 15 years younger. We've been seeing each other now over the last 2 1/2 years. It started off slow we'd see each other once every 2 months with her texting me while I worked to set up meetings. She's in her 30's and single just getting out of a long marriage. She's in party mode and goes out 3-4/week, Vegas, Hollywood etc. She incredibly sexy and a social media nut. She constantly post pictures of herself and friends in bikinis, night club outfits etc. At first I didn't care, I wasn't taking it serious. i thought she was seeing other guys, and could care less I was married. She later let me know she'd only been with 3 guys, her ex, some guy she dated for a year and me. She has never asked me to leave my wife. Over the past 6 months it's gone to seeing each other once a week. We've taken trips together during my business meetings, SF, Vegas, Hollywood. I knew she was into me more than I was into her. Over past 2 months things have changed. I've found myself trying to see her more and her making excuses as to why she can't meet. She seems to be ok meeting for our occasional short trip somewhere but no longer seems to want meet for our daytime encounters. It's been a month since I've seen her, we're supposed to meet in 3 weeks for an overnight date, room is booked, reservations made. I know in my mind I should make it our last get together. She's probably met someone and deserves the chance to settle down again. Not to mention I should try to refocus on my own marriage and family. I'm conflicted I love her passion and the sex is incredible. There's a part of me that wants to let her go while her interest in me is at a low. This would make it easier for her, though harder for me. There's also a part of me that wants her back to how it was before, with her chasing me. To make things worse we work together, though thankfully not every day, usually about once a week. It's going to be rough when we do work together. She draws attention from almost every guys that enters the work place. We'll see how things go. I came across this sit and needed to vent. Thanks

Thanks for this thread. I am living a nightmare now as a result of my infidelity with someone I met at work. I am 47 an addict with 19months clean & married just over a year. My wife is a beautiful, loving, humble person who has supported me through the worst of my addiction & literally saved my life. 7 months into recovery as got married. I've never been "passionately" in love with my wife , but my love for her grew gradually as our 10 year relationship progressed from it's beginning as an affair ba<x>sed soley on sex to marriage. throughout our relationship & addiction I was unfaithful numerous times, purely for sex. But this past April 2014 after a year long period of monogamy I began a physical relationship with a 19 year old girl at work (yes, she's 27 years younger than me.). We worked closely together for 4 months befor me it got physical ; got to know each other intimately. She has had an extremely tough childhood replete with abandonment issues (her father carried on an affair for years ; left her mom when she was 8 - her mom remained severely depressed and unable to perform her role as mom since.). This left her I her own upstate by through sheer determination, she made it to NYC. I shared all of my history & experiences with her and sincerely felt in love long before it got physical. Once it did however, the insanity really began. My wife found out within days of our first physical transgression ; since then I've gone back and forth between my wife and mistress 7 times (yes seven'.). My wife moved out of our apt in June , came back within a week i flipped again on the 4th of July & took her back to her moms. This last week at work was brutal. The only way I got the mistress back was by calling her from my boss's phone (after I told Him what was going on.) on the 4th when I picked up (lets call her "Ally,"). She told boss she reay loved me & wants to be with me. It's a 100% commission sales job, so there's no HR or threat of mess that way. Boss is married to someone he met at work & they Are co-bosses - but he counseled us to Not reveal our relationship until my divorce was final. In this past week, Ally began to withdraw from me - she continually stated I needed to be alone until I resolved the loss of my wife and felt we couldn't start again until I was on more solid ground. She told me I don't look the same as when we met (it's true I've lost 20pounds and gotten much grey). Midweek this week I was beginning to feel some peace bc my wife agreed to not communicate for a few days. But on. Wednesday wife found out about a bi trip I was supposed to go on with Ally and it set the crazy in motion again. I was already uncertain of future with Ally after the 4th because by this point I am insecure of my next breath. Truly feel like I'm losing my mind and lying in bed alone now at 6:35am. On Thursday morning after not seeing Ally (except,) at work - after a long conversation the night before - ally told me she was no longer willing to continue. I made an impulsive decision, told her in was not going on the bi trip (even though it represents huge $,) and told boss I was out. Told Ally to block my # & I'd do the same, at. 2:30am this lorn I woke up called Ally by *67 from home. She hung up when I told her it was me. Upon call back, her friend picked up and said "she doesn't want to talk to you, so, yeah, have. Good night." I am distraught, shamed, humiliated, exhausted an scared. can't believe I stilll feel like I want ally although it's N impossible situation! I'm 47 she's 19! What the **** is wrong with me? My wife STILL wants to work things out - but I truly feel before off alone right now. I definitely need help ; have been to a therapist ; this week when Ally started pulling bAck I went to paychiatrist who prescribed zoloft - No ******* good bc I felt high all day yesterday. Ally is going on the biz trip and will reap the huge $ while I am stuck with myself. Can't believe I called her - this is the first time there's been no response. Supposed to see wife later today to go to beach ; buy a futon for her to sleep on a her moms house. I don't wanna go just wanna stay under blankets and not move. Should I quit the job? Still have potential there and boss has indicated support - but I feel so ashamed in front of him ; if his wife finds out she will hate me. I think it's only a matter of time before she does and then the reckoning will come. Ally will play the young victim, even though she was a willing participant and ; encouraged me to leave my wife while insisting she didn't want to hurt her! Here's a note I wrote about her right before i saw her Thursday morning and told her to block my #; I'd do the same: Writing this after a long night where I woke up almost every hour.After we hung up last night the realization of everything I've created came front and center.You are definitely a manipulative person. Since Saturday night, you'd make it seem that the disconnect between us was due to my sense of loss over my wife. Instead of being there for me you left me hanging - except for when it was convenient for you. At work - to get back on track or in the brief moments of break where you could get a free meal. That's where the manipulation came in.But you're not that smart. I felt what was going on and verbalized last night and you didn't disagree. In fact you advised me to "suck it up." And go on the trip upstate with you - but that we wouldn't sleep together! Which conveniently places you in a paid hotel room & gets you a ride upstate. You actively engaged in a deception with a married man and slept with 3 other men in between. You have a history of promiscuity, abandonment, and are overtly manipulative of men at all times.You are addicted to the power your sexuality gives you over men. You get high when you see the result and say "men are stupid." But that time will come to an end - maybe sooner than you think if you keep eating!And you got away with it all because I allowed it and invited it into my life. Never again.Last note: thank God, my wife and i didn't have kids when this happened.Now what? I am a living breathing, self loathing cliche, God a help me :0(

I know your situation because it's exactly that which I am experiencing now. I'd been married for nearly twenty years when I met my mistress eighteen months ago. We met on a dating site, got chatting and then met for coffee one lunchtime in January 2013. Sparks flew from the start and we were all over each other within thirty seconds of meeting!

Five months after meeting I knew I was falling for her and told her. She told me she loved me and I was really happy. Time went on and we went out on dates, spent time together and had the most amazing sex. I knew I was nuts about her and hated not being with her. As she had a very high libido, we joined a swinging website and she started having men (and women) round for sex. I was fine with this and we often had group sex with other couples.

Everything was going fine and we talked about the future. I knew I still loved my wife and didn't know whether to leave her to be with my mistress or stay with my wife. Little did I know by the time Valentine's Day came around that the tide was turning...

I made sure I took her a Valentine's card plus chocolates and flowers and thought it a bit odd that I didn't get a card from her. We'd become accustomed to texting quite a bit every day and we'd try and speak on the phone most days too so I was a bit concerned when she didn't always text me back. I noticed too that, when I texted to say how conflicted I was about it all and how much I loved her, she'd not always respond.

I used to go round and see her at her place twice a week and she told me that one of the guys that had been around to have sex with her was keen to take her out on a date. I was fine with this as she's a single woman although I did ask her not to fall for him. She said she wasn't and it was all good. This situation went on for a couple of months: he'd stay overnight or sometimes for the weekend, they'd go out on dates and he told her he loved her. She assured me she didn't love him until three weeks ago...

I was due to meet her from work and go for lunch one day and she texted me to say not to come; that she wasn't going to work as she had a few things to do. I replied to say that was fine and that I'd see her later in the week. She then replied to say that she had seen Rob over the weekend and that she had feelings for him. "Sorry if this upsets you" she wrote in a text, knowing full well that it would upset me.

It's nearly three weeks since she told me that she wanted a proper relationship and that Rob was a single man who loved her. I called her and told her I loved her very much and she said she knew I did. She said she'd like to remain friends and to see me one day. I left it for ten days and then texted her: no reply.

I've never felt so strongly about anyone ever, not even my wife. I love her so much and it's breaking my heart. I will contact her in two weeks' time in the hope that we can meet up as friends. I know I will get through this in time but right now it's really hard.

HAHAHA... sorry, but it's too funny. Thanks for the laugh, it was great!

What's funny?

Hi all, having searched the internet for help on how to deal with a mistress breaking up with me, reading through this page has helped me, and made me realise that its not only me who has found myself in an emotional messed up scenario. So a little about my situation; I have been with my childhood sweetheart since we were both 15. Everything was great when we were younger. We had lots of laughs, we both lost our virginity to each other etc. So everything was great until I got to 21 years old. We moved out, new house, great. Then it hit me, and I found myself thinking is this what I really want? I joined 'dating' websites just to see if there was any interest in me. There was. I met a girl who lived an hour away who was on the website for sex only. I went to her house and for the first time in my life I cheated. This continued for about a year. We'd txt, email and chat everyday. At this point my wife was planning our wedding! About a month before the wedding the mistress asked me not to go ahead with the wedding and leave my wife for her. At this point she confessed that she loved me and although I didn't say it I had fallen for her. After arguing about why I was going through with the wedding, she threatened to tell my fiancee. I called her bluff and went ahead with the wedding. The mistress sent me an email while I was on my honeymoon saying she could no longer stick around and explained how it wasn't fair for her to sit back and play second fiddle. So, we ended it. Two years pass, I'm still on the dating website and I've met 5 other women purely for sex. But nothing compares to the mistress. we've sent the odd email for Christmas, birthdays etc but nothing much. Then two months ago she emails saying she's unhappy and wants to meet up. I agree to and the spark between us was instantly present again. At this point I've gotten on with my life and my wife is pregnant with our first child. The mistress and I are not messaging like we used to, literally everyday. We have met for sex a few times and again she's declared her love for me. She has a boyfriend who is ready to propose to her but doesn't know what to do. Again, I've said that I cannot leave my wife, especially now! We've come to the point where we've agreed to not see or have any contact. We're meeting tomorrow, we have a hotel room booked for 'one last goodbye'. However, we're both finding it really hard to let go of each other. We know its the right thing to do but I wish I'd have left my wife before the wedding and chose the path my heart was leading me to. Has anybody been in the same situation? I literally feel heartbroken. I'm so lucky to have two amazing women love me but I can only choose one. We know we're doing the right thing but that still doesn't make it any easier.

way too funny.

I am a mistress. I have never done this before. This man and I were good friends for 3 years. He has been married about 10 years and I was with a serious boyfriend for about 10 years. My boyfriend developed a serious drinking problem and I broke up with him. About 2 months later, my married man and I started discussing sex, relationships and flat out dirty things over the phone and by text. A few months later, we finally lived out the fantasy and slept together. Multiple times in one afternoon. It was amazing. He then went home to his wife and kids. Things fizzled out a bit for a while, but they have fired back up lately. The whole time we have known each other, even the years prior to me breaking up with my ex, he constantly complains about his home life. He claims he wants leave his wife, but hasn't. He now tells me he loves me and I do love him, but I dont want to be a mistress. I want to be full time with him and his son. I basically told him tonight that I'm not competing with his family any longer. Either he leaves his wife, or we just end it. I'm not going to be in limbo any longer and I'm prepared for the answer I dont want to hear. I deserve better.

You know what's funny about the whole thing is that you're only good enough for sex, but you're just NOT GOOD ENOUGH to be a wife. Have you thought of that?! If he doesn't think you're good enough to be his wife, what in the world would make you think that he'll ever "marry you" even after he leaves his wife?

Think about it... once he leaves the wife, he has a million other options (ahem! Let's do the math, more like over 3.5 BILLION women in the world). YOU, the mistress, on the other hand, are one in 3.5 BILLION women who would sleep with him despite his "married" status. Hence, the importance of YOU as the mistress. However, once he divorces the wife, a WHOLE NEW SET of eligible women will be available for him since the vast majority of women who refuse to date or sleep with married men, will be available.

I mean, seriously?!? How freaking idiotic does one have to be NOT to see through this scam? Why do you think there's a general rule about "easy" women? They're for discarding!!

Day 1 for me: About to leave my family for the love of my life until I found out she has been with 3 other guys over the last 6 months alone!! The pain is like a knife to the heart. I became a liar and cheat, I am far worse off emotionally for having known her. I am searching for the strength not to rush back and forgive her. After all of this I still want to believe what we had was special and I am the one.
My wife is an amazing woman and mother to our one child, but we rarely have sex, maybe twice a year for the last 8 years. She deserves better than me.
After reading the thread I deleted all of her contact info, emails, texts, everything.
I have not talked to anyone about the affair, no family or friends know of it or what I was going to do for this woman. I feel like I am going to explode inside.
What else can I do? I don’t deserve help but would really appreciate any advice.

What does 'round, comes 'round. How can you judge? Didn't you do the same? What makes you so special?

Alright, Judy: What's the name of the guy that screwed you over. Clearly you have issues forgiving and forgetting before giving any rational or kind advice.

It's, to put it in the words of a rather scorned individual: "way too funny."
BUT: "Thanks for the laugh, it was great!"

I suppose I could understand that it would be hard for you to imagine people have morals, and hence, in YOUR standards, I "must" have been screwed over in order to find you funny.

... maybe I have morals... and integrity... and dignity... self-esteem... and a whole lot of HONESTY you don't seem to have. I'll have you know, robbing is no different. It wasn't long ago that "cheating" was considered a criminal offense, not just a civil one. In fact, in some countries, infidelity is still a crime and punishable by death.

... ever been to India?

So, it's morally acceptable to condemn others based on your own moral absolutism?

That's an interesting take on your "advice," or, more like, condemnation of others. Again, most likely based on your own past experiences...Moral absolutism is often rooted in such things as experience and/or religious creeds.

Also, comparing the United States to India? A 2nd world country that permits rape to run rampant, among other things? Can you say apples and oranges...

Ironically, I doubt you'd adopt some of the other moral positions of those in India, but I don't need to add cherry-picking to the list of logical fallacies you've employed to show that your positions are faulty. The list, at present, does well enough alone.

And, yes, breaking into someone's home to steal their belongings is much different than cheating on someone in a personal relationship. Again, apples and oranges. Your moral absolutism clearly has no place for logic and common sense...

So, tell me: What honesty do I lack in calling out your positions for their lack of empathy, logic, and reasoning?

Either way, I'm not going to argue with your type, nor suffer your moral absolutist positions--they're devoid of honesty, with yourself and to others. The world isn't black and white, despite you painting a false reality telling yourself otherwise.

Welcome yourself to the last word, and have a great day :)

I find your response even more hilarious. You want empathy after you have damaged your own family and the people you purportedly "love" and care for? It's disgustingly hypocritical, don't you think? are you joking?!? I have empathy for the people you have damaged, not you. I think you deserved plenty what you got and more, if more is coming. You only see what benefits you (selective seeing, hearing and READING), but don't find the consequences of your own actions fair - as if you were some 3 year old child throwing a tantrum. You've got to be kidding.

Why is it so hard to imagine people have morals and instead, you must accuse them of some type of extremism. Who's really the one with the faulty reasoning?

Also, it might be illogical to you that robbery and infidelity was at a point in time, categorically illegal. Your own country's legislation made that decision, not me. Nevertheless, how is that not a legitimate comparison? You have to lie, cheat and betray your fellow human to do either and both, steal and cheat. When you rob, you take something valuable from someone else. When you cheat, you take something valuable from someone you pretended to love and care about. In fact, you have betrayed moral and social norms, courtesy and human decency to do either and/or both. Do you believe that it was decent, and "alright" to betray, lie and cheat to your family and loved ones? Maybe you're right, maybe they aren't comparable. You have to lie to your family's face, betray their trust, and not give a **** about them in order to cheat. On the other hand, to rob, you don't necessarily have to lie and betray your family and destroy the lives of your own children... okay, I'll agree they aren't comparable.

I used "India" as an example of a country where, in other parts of the world, infidelity is still considered illegal. I wrote it, but I completely missed the whole "comparison" part that you mention having "read" in my response. I understand reading is not everyone's forte.

Nevertheless, let's address this issue of crimes that occur in India don't happen here in the United States... that is what you were pointing to, correct? I understand not everyone is privy to factual information and current events and therefore you must imagine that we don't have similar problems here in the United States. I'll have you know, I have worked on numerous cases rescuing victims of sexual trafficking here in the United States of America - yes, sexual slaves forced into prostitution (many of them children) is pretty rampant here in the United State of America. So go ahead, ask me again why your whining and crying like a child about your sorry life isn't buying you any empathy from me... there are real problems in this world. We have real problems in the United States, and your sense of "entitlement" to your moral transgressions, to hurt, betray and cheat on someone you have made a lifetime promise to, are hilarious to me (wait, let me roll my eyes again).

You really think we don't have those problems, and then use it as a basis for a terrible argument to justify your lack of morals and human decency? Here's a factoid for you: you are wrong. Rape, murder, and slavery does happen here too even in a nice town like NEWPORT BEACH, CALIFORNIA.

If any of the above isn't clear, or you are still confused... I suppose then it will explain the WHOLE entire reason why you believe that you are entitled to BETRAY, CHEAT, LIE, and HURT your own family. You don't think that's wrong?!? So here's to sum it up for me:

Wow... seriously, wow... then again, I want to thank you because your responses helped me feel even better, and there's definitely some satisfaction that you got what you deserved. You so deserved it, I think I'm going to go have a drink to you when I go out tonight. I would have felt bad if you had been a nice guy, but since you're an *******, I'm going to go read the post to my friends and laugh.

2 More Responses

Ah, saw your 'update'. Good for you. Sometimes we underestimate the power of our emotions. You both were in the 'in love' stage, I am glad you got it all sorted out. Good luck with your marriage, there might be something your wife can do to satisfy your physical and emotional needs, at the same time you deserve to be happy too and it take both to do that. There is a book called the 5 love languages and it is helping more than the counseling sessions, I am working things out with my husband now.

I am here because well... you guess it I am in the same boat you were in. I am his OW, he is my OM. Feelings do suck sometimes. Knowing how you feel is good, once again putting things in perspective. Thank you.

Its been a few years back when you posted this, I wonder how you are doing now with the Other Woman? Are you getting better, still ebb and flow with her?

Hi there.
I was reading your response to someone about their affair and your response really touched me.
I am going through a very similar thing in my life now and I am broken hearted even 5 month after the affair ended.
I am 42, started an affair with a man who is married and I knew that from the beginning.
He spoke about leaving often, he has 2 kids and always made them the excuse not to leave.
Although I always had my doubts as ti whether he would actually leave, I really wanted to believe him as I loved him so very much.
The affair eventually came out in the open, causing a lot of devastation and heartache for everyone involved.
He has moved out of the marital home but is still in contact with his wife and kids as he visits them everyday.
He is currently staying at his mothers and I don't know for sure if he and his wife are only doing a trial separation thing.
We still seen each other at the beginning although it was very strained. One day he told me he wanted me but he would then tell his wife he wanted her and that happened 3 times with me still taking him back.
We had a row about 3 month ago and we haven't spoken since.
I have mailed him and txt him but he doesn't reply. I know he is on holiday himself at the moment t to what I can only gather is to clear his own head. I have decided to never contact him again as its only causing me more pain.
I am being treated for severe depression and on medication and off my work with it.
I love this man with all my heart and miss him dearly.
I do believe he loved me but after reading a lot about affairs in these forums, I now believe he was using me.
I think the biggest hurt of all is the lies he told me (I think they were lies), the devastation I caused his wife and kids and the fact he can just totally ignore me. I am so angry with myself for allowing this to happen and to fall into the trap of a love affair. I know I am not blameless and I will never think that, I will have to live with what I done to other human beings for the rest of my life and I deserve that.
I hope you are now doing ok and have found peace and happiness in whatever you have chose to do. I hope and pray that everyday I wake up I will feel a bit better and hurt a little less.
This is undoubtedly the worst thing I have ever gone through.
I wish you well.
Nel42. :)

I have lived a very similar situation, except my mistress was 32 at the time and she was married for 10 yrs. I am the married man with 2 small kids. I also had an affair which was discovered by my wife in july of last year. I am not going to talk about me and the horrible person I am for having done this to my family (because I can go on forever on me). But I will talk about my mistress and my thoughts on her after I ended the affair (FOREVER). She too like you knew I was married with kids and that I was not interested, but for whatever reasons she still pursued me, the worst mistake of my life was accepting her facebook message because she wanted to be friends (yeah right). Those poor men up there who wrote the notes on how they cannot forget their mistresses, they are in the stage of infatuation. I was there too, affairs by nature are designed to infatuate both parties. You pursue an imaginary ideal which of course you think of so much, that your brain makes you believe what you tell yourself. None of it is true, the illusion of mistresses is just that, “an illusion.” The reality of any mistress, especially the one where she pursues a married men with kids knowing full well, is that she is nothing but a low life piece of crap, a WH*#$. A mistress like you is a person that has no boundaries, no self-respect, no self-love, a complete lack of empathy for the lives she is ruining, is extremely deceitful and manipulative, and completely selfish, a complete sociopath, if not a psychopath. My mistress wanted to do it “because you are only young once” what a WH*#$. That is what I think of her and will think of her for the rest of my life. I never EVER want to have anything to do with a person like her. She has no idea what her actions and my actions have caused, and she does not CARE (just like you don’t care). I will spend the rest of my life trying to not be what I let myself become. Yeah I told her so many lies as well, why would ever tell her that the sex with my wife is the best I have ever had, and that sex with her was mediocre, why would I tell her I love big hazel eyes? (she was part asian, and had beady eyes), she was not anywhere near as gorgeous as my wife is… yet I still told her I loved her eyes, and all the other crap, because all I was doing was using her for sex…. I was stupid enough to get infatuated with someone who is not even worth a 2nd look. While infatuated, married men will say whatever they want in order to get more sex. None of it is true. What most mistresses do not want to believe is that men will tell you anything you want to hear in order to get sex from you. The men who are cheating on their wives… will never leave their wives for a piece of trash like a mistress. And if they are stupid enough to leave they will very soon find out that they exchanged a piece of gold for trash and will hate themselves for being so stupid. My mistress doesn’t know that the trial separation was forced on me, it was the only thing I could do to prevent my wife from divorcing me. I went home every day to my kids also like your married man did, of course this is the only thing I could tell that psychopath of my mistress because if I told her that I went back every day to see my wife (that I love more than anything in the world), then my fun would be ruined wouldn’t it? I was a piece of crap for doing this to my wife and kids.
Why then did I have the affair? It was because of the things that are wrong within myself. My values and character were non-existent. I realized the kind of person I was when I had the affair, and it no one any person can be proud of. It was nothing especial about my mistress that made me have the affair, she was just free sex, infatuation (due to the situation of an affair) and nothing more. She is a horrible person that I never ever want to have anything to do with again. You say you are sorry for the harm you caused the other woman and children, I highly doubt it. Because if you even felt the slightest remorse, you would never EVER contact that married man again. Of course, the pieces of crap that mistresses are would never understand that. You ask how your married man can ignore you? Lol…. Easy, it’s very easy to ignore a piece of trash. Affairs are not EVER about love, they are only about selfishness within each party having the affair, a deep desire to feel important, and complete stupidity on both parties for ever believing ANYTHING coming out of the mouth of each party. ALL OF IT IS A FARSE. A complete lie. Men who are fantasizing about their mistresses, are in a stage of infatuation due to the situation of the affair. They built a piece of crap of a woman up in their minds to be something that will never EVER match reality, its 180 degrees the opposite way of their fantasy (total nightmare). Mistresses are all pieces of crap. The kind of women a man never EVER wants to be with or marry.
You say you are feeling better every day… of course, psychopaths that never take responsibility for their actions will never ever feel remorse for the damage they caused. I still watch my wife cry herself to sleep every day because of my actions and the actions of my mistress. (I am sure she like you, also feels much better, or has moved on to ruin other people’s lives).

I recently saw a testimony about this spell caster, before that, my problem was that, A guy i who have been dating me for 8 months departed from me because he fell in love with someone else, I was so hurt and depressed. so a friend suggested the idea of contacting a spell caster, which I never thought of myself. after i contacted dr.marnish@yahoo com for his help. I asked him to do a love spell for me so that my lover can come back to me, but before the spell was done, I was a bit skeptical about his capacity to bring my man back to me. Only 3 days after the spell was actually cast, my lover returned to me and since then, it seems that there is no more mistrust and no more lies between us. He doesn't cheat me now. Also, I feel no heartache anymore For that reason, I will never forget the good Dr Manish did to me, there is no word to say how grateful I am for returning my lover back to me, I am gladly leaving a testimonial on this page,
Wallace Diana Anderson from England

Man! thats the only way to go. Congratulations on your determination! I have one question. After two years apart, do you still miss your ex lover? Do you still think about her?

Hi, 2 years later and I thought I would update some people.
I am so surprised not only from the responses, but by the private messages I received.
Too many of us out there.
I look at my parents 47 year marriage and my grandparents 63 (yes 63!) year marriage and wonder how the hell they did it.
In any case, I stopped contacting her and moved on for 2 years.
This December, she contacted me and wanted to have lunch.
I met her (I know, I know) and we caught up.
She got married in July and told me she is unhappy.
She wants to hang out with me once in awhile and who knows?
WOW.
If you wait long enough for an epiphany, sometimes it will kick you in the *** like a sledgehammer.
I was going to leave my wife and family for a girl who after 5 months of her 2nd marriage, is looking outside.
I did love my wife and respected marriage which is why I felt guilt and was torn.
I went to therapy with my wife for 6 months and speak with her now like I haven't in years.
I am a little bored sometimes and that happens.
But I would rather be bored with a woman I love than to be insecure and worried with a partner whom I honestly cannot trust.
Marriage is work. Plain and simple.
If you want it to work, then you have to work at it.
If it is not there, it's not there, I get it. But, how can it be there if your attention and mind are somewhere else.
My Dad helped me a lot.
He said, if you leave your wife, I will stand behind you because you are my son BUT, ask yourself 1 question:
Have you done everything you can to make the marriage better?
Be honest with yourself.
Have you done everything? Truly everything?
If yes, than you can walk away with a clean conscience.
If not, than you are doomed to repeat this scenario over and over.
Good luck to you all.
I will check back from time to time.

.

Soooo glad that you updated with how things are going! I tried to pull away from my MM whom Ive been with for 8 months now and I cant do it.. I have a feeling I will be around for sometime. I was honest with him and told him I have went on a few dates, but he knows that I am not sleeping with anyone else and if I do I know it will be time to move on... My situation is a bit different than yours but all of these stories have their similarities.. I am 22 hes 30, newly wed, first child, and doesnt really see his wife who is a nurse as well. They had issues prior to marriage and not just that he is bored but unhappy... His happiness means something to me and no matter how angry I become I cant find myself leaving right now.. I wish I had the answers, wish I knew how she felt so that I could gain some perspective..

@Summersails,I wish you would read your own post.you say you see yourself staying for a long time and that's exactly what your MM expects!have you ever wondered why someone in an unhappy relationship stays...I mean the REAL reason an not the tried and tested "staying for the kids", wife mistreats me etc?@Loveitsimple has stated that he loves his wife and that's what stops him from leaving his wife.Could it be possible that your MM loves his wife too but you have convinced yourself that he loves you more,after dating for 6months!It doesn't matter that he's bored because to him,giving up the comfort and knowledge of a wife he's been through trials and tribulations for a woman that he has only been in an unrealistic set up ie the dating faze,can seem daunting for men and they therefore make you believe that they stay for all these ridiculous reasons and you lap it up,because believing anything else would mean facing the reality that he is not as unhappy as he makes himself out to be and that in his mindset,even though things at home seem bad,they are not bad enough for him to contemplate leaving.Do you think he is a loving husband at home,or is that too painful to envision?For all you know,and for the sake of remaining undetected in his wife's eyes,he still sleeps with her (has sex that is) because not doing so after only a year of marriage for the 6months he's been with you would rouse suspicion.Therefore whilst you knowingly sleep with someone who goes home to another,she remains clueless to your existence.have you also thought about the small things he does,ie what he tells everyone else apart from you about his wife,does he have pictures of her on his phone?because if he's unhappy he'd only have pictures of his child.i don't understand what exactly you are waiting for?is it for him to leave her so he can be with you?has he actually told you tht this would be happening or have you assumed?if he is leaving when is this going to happen or is he stringing you along until you are so in love with him that he knows you won't be going anywhere.if he did leave his wife for you,what are your expectations for the future relationship?do you believe that it will be exactly the same as when you were having a secret relationship or once he and you have the opportunity to live or spend all your time together and you get to really know eachother,will it be different.when he can't take you out for a romantic dinner because he has his young child with him as his wife insists that he shares the responsibility.how about cooking every single day for him,picking up his clothes,cleaning for him AND his child?ironing,shopping,running errands,the real stuff involved in a relationship,because you do know that together with dating,a relationship involves hard work.maybe if your MM continued to date his wife,the relationship wouldn't become sour as at the end of the day whilst he's wining and dining you,she's home with the child resuming all the other tedious responsibilities whilst he's unwinding at the end of a stressful day.i wonder who takes over from her at the end of a stressful day.its unfortunate to hear men complain about women changing after marriage when they don't realise that most times they get to keep their lives whilst women have major responsibilities added to their lives.and no,I'm not a disgruntled wife.my dad left my mum for a woman who became extremely wicked and bitter when she found herself lumbered with my lazy dad!i absolutely HATED spending time with them as she complained about everything she had to do.my dad tried and failed many times to slither back to my mum like the snake he is.i love him but can't stand him and as soon as I had the opportunity I didn't "visit" them anymore.that was 10years ago.ive heard they are no longer together,he's in some grotty bedsit

I dont know why I didn't respond to this sooner... I want to try to address everything you said in order as best I can. First, I do wonder if he loves his wife. I know that it can't be solely his son as the reason he is staying or at least I wont allow myself to believe it. His wife has a good job and he knows her and they have a child. There is stability to a degree, he doesn't feel that he knows me enough to leave and probably fears I will leave him and then he will be alone without me,his wife, or his child... He does have sex with her. I have asked him and he admits that he does. It does bother me, but there is nothing I can do aside from leaving him. He never has told me that his home environment is bad, he just says he feels sad and like something is missing. I work with him so I know that at least at his job he doesn't talk about his family or wear his wedding ring. The background on his phone is a random default pic. I don't know what type of man he is at home... He could be a rude, cold, slob... I'm clueless in that aspect. He told me he doesn't plan on divorcing her because he refuses to leave her in a single parent home and to not be able to see his son every day. He said if she asks for a divorce then that is fine. I'm not waiting, I'm trying to cope. I have no clue what is going to happen but I'm not very optimistic considering he has no plans of leaving. If we did have a relationship eventually or if that happens I realize it would be difficult, I was engaged to a man with 3 kids for 7 years.... Taking on his personality and living together would be hard. I know that if they divorced him and I would live together immediately and that's a big change. I would love him and be there for him. And I know how to handle him and he knows how to handle my temper. We have argued before and reconcile easily as well as talked about financial status, children, working, and values and expectations. That doesn't mean that it would be perfect, but I know I could be happy with him. We shall see..

I'm dealing with this as well. I've been married for 6 years to someone who was one time the most kick *** woman I've ever met. Unfortunately she has since become very cold and there's a big lack of intimacy. I considered divorce but then we had our awesome son and now I can't picture going even a few days without him. I met a woman who is really cool, pretty, funny and generally has a sense of independence and maturity I respected. We had the most deep conversations and knew dating each other would be tough but for the time, we filled each others voids. She was single, focusing on her career and didn't want anyone else full time. We have been dating for 4 months and haven't had intercourse, but several oral (sex is sex, I get it). I always regretted not being able to give her what she needs (bf to bring to family functions, hang out at each others house, etc etc), but I did make her a priority when I could. I knew she loved me and I just recently admitted to myself I love her also. Sadly, I was just informed she met someone, yet she still wants nothing to change with us. I love her and so I'm trying not to be selfish as she deserves what I can't offer, but its tougher on me due to the fact to me, things were as close to perfect as they could be. It's interesting because I was always worried she would get hurt and yet not I'm dealing with the pain of a break up of a relationship at it's peak. Just thinking this way makes me wanna say "DUDE REALLY?!", but I truly love her. She doesn't want things to change but I can't keep going knowing she's beginning an upswing with someone else. I guess this is karma and maybe I deserve this.

My situation is very similar 8 months for me she is married as I am. I'm 47 she is 36. We have been neighbors for 8 years. She asked me if I would please leave my wife to make a life with her. I told her I wanted to but couldn't. She left him and got her own place just after Christmas and told me she met someone just before Christmas. I just cut off communications as that is what she wants but it's killing me and I'm only on day 3. My story is so much more complex and will share eventually

I am having trouble understanding .. if your affair partner is up and dating again and was dating behind your back, can't you use that thought to think of to get over this. How can some people just date and get all these people to fall all over them ... leaving their wives and idolizing them like movie stars?? The bible talks about idolizing. My husband idolized his exgirlfriend. She used this and got back in touch when her husband quit working.She looked for pity and then made sure to get him where she wanted in case her husband left. HEr husband left, My husband found out about the other men she had lined up as well. He hasn't spoke to her. I don't feel pity for her because she had no respect for anyone else. She was a spoiled brat who only cared about herself. WIsh he could have seen this before he went and talked to her and pined for her for months. IT did a lot of damage to our marriage. I hope he can clearly see it now.

take your mistress. she loves you too. tell your wife the truth that you need to move on. be there for your kids, but be happy with your lover. why hurt both women? let your wife move on, give your true love attention she deserves.

you're straight up stupid. learn to respect your wife and love her correctly. make a choice. you are caught up in some sort of fantasy with your mistress, and it might seem like fun, but when it all comes down to it, you will be even more miserable with your mistress in the end. both of you cheated, so that means both will not trust one another, and look how she makes you feel already. don't be an idiot. even though in my eyes, you are and will continue to be. be open to your wife and give her a choice wether or not to stay knowing the full truth. she deserves that. you are torn between reality and a fantasy.

Thank you all for your experiences and advice. I feel for all of you. My mistress (for six months) broke up with me and I feel that if I let her go I will not feel what I am feeling for her ever again. I have not felt like this since my teenage years. I have been married for 19 years and have college age children. I was willing to let everything go but she says that I need to have a clean breakup for the right reasons and not because of the affair. She is not willing to go through the trauma of my breakup and prefers to try to resume our relationship with a clean slate after I go through the divorce. Breaking the relationship now is tearing me apart. I feel stupid, depress, and frustrated that I cannot be with her. I have not felt this low I think ever. I hope all of the ones that posted their stories and are going through similar situations get to the healthy side of this drama.

She should have been by your side through the divorce thats when you needed her the most!!!!

Maximus your post was awesome and gave me a perspective on the dynamic between the husband and his mistress (if she's single) that I hadn't considered. He has to 'toe the line' with her and can't be himself.

I feel for you buddy. As much as I shouldn't, with being a woman who has been cheated on by my sons father as well as experiencing the other side of the fence of being that other woman who missed my lover on weekends and resented it. It's never nice to miss someone so badly. But I will tell you what you need to understand. If you commit to moving on..it will happen much quicker than you think :) It will happen so quickly you won't even notice. But you must first of all commit to the fact it's over, and nothing that happens will change it..no phone call from her or text will change your mind. Here's what you need to do; delete all photos, messages, any sign or trace of her. Do not listen to soppy sad music, don't indulge in daydreams about what you shared..cut it out! Focus on anything that makes you happy, relaxed, and fulfilled that does not involve her. Get a massage, go out with friends, enjoy nice food and indulge yourself. If your mind wanders back to her..think of the shittiest thing she ever did..don't think of anything nice to do with her. Trust me..IT WORKS

Bewitched7, I´m living a situation very similar to loveitssimple, sorry if my English is not quite perfect, I´m from Mexico, but I want to thank you because your words are confirming my thinking about getting over my breakup with my 2 year mistress, I´m following your instructions and it´s working, I´m leaving her behind each day faster, God bless you, your advise is helping me so much !!!!!

wow- I'm sitting here heartbroken and on a whim decided to do a quick google search b/c I thought there had to be someone out there feeling what I've been feeling. It was strangely comforting to read all of your stories and to see that I'm not alone in what I thought to be feelings I shouldn't be having.<br />
<br />
By all accounts, I should have known better. This is the 2nd time I've been through this, the 1st time was hard enough and here I went and did it again.<br />
<br />
Long long story in a nutshell since so many details are the same. Married for 10 years, in my mid 30's, 2 kids, nice house, nice job, for the most part looking in people would say great life. But I'm never happy, suffered with depression forever and have sought happiness in places I shouldn't.<br />
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Just mutually ended (I hope) a 2 yr affair with my mistress. Because of the nature of my job I was able to spend pretty much every day with her for at least part of the day, for nearly a year and a half. I spent at least 1 if not 2 nights a week with her- completely financially supported her as well. It started out her being with me cheating on her then boyfriend who couldn't support her.<br />
<br />
We fell hopelessly in love. She lives in drama, constant drama, due to some things there's no point going into here, but needless to say it's the polar opposite of my "stable" life.<br />
<br />
Then the resentment started- missed holidays with her b/c I'm with my family etc... all the things people mentioned here. I ended up changing jobs and moving 400+ miles away, and initially she was going to come with me. Some things happened and she couldn't, which is probably for the best but hurt like hell.<br />
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I still made it back to see her a couple times a month, and we spoke on the phone daily, but it was harder and harder over the last 5 months. We broke up multiple times, but usually just in an argument and we were back together in 2 days.<br />
<br />
she "cheated" on me 3 times that I know of in that time fr<x>ame- reasons are irrelevant, but I only found out about the 3rd one today. I was actually contacted directly by the guy she has been living with, that I knew nothing about. Had a very honest conversation with him, and basically I walked away from the whole relationship after finding out the last 4 months were nothing but a lie that I convinced myself of.<br />
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This is a girl I thought about leaving my entire family, home, everything to be with. The chemistry is / was amazing, amazing sex, and I've never felt happy and alive like I did with her. <br />
<br />
I realize that a big part of that happiness is the thrill of the taboo, and also the lack f real world problems and responsibilities when I'm with her. Also that she is / was dependant on me totally supported some of my personal self esteem and codependancy issues.<br />
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So now it's over for real- I think? I hope? I know it's best for me financially to be done, it's certainly best for my family to be done, it gives me more time and love to give to my kids....but all that being said I feel heartbroken at the thought that I will never feel happiness and excitement again, never feel as alive again as I did when I was with her.<br />
<br />
I do know this is real heartache, I do know that she felt this heartache every night she went to sleep knowing I was home with my wife, and I do know that this heartache is nothing compared to what my wife and kids would go through if they found out or if I left my family. <br />
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It's amazing though that even knowing all those things- knowing the right thing to do- knowing that I was wrong and I brought this on myself...I still sit here heartbroken, wishing my phone would ring and it would be her telling me she wants to see me.<br />
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I'm sure I sound like an *** here, wanting my cake and eating it too, and committing so much time and money to an impossible relationship- but it doesn't make the pain any less real, perhaps it just makes me a worse person.

The pain is real but if you can manage to control yourself by not making contact, it will gradually fade away day by day. I had an on-off affair for close to six months - like you constantly breaking it off then back on again, just pulled together and unable to stay apart - and even though at one level I know my affair partner is not as good a man as my husband and probably a mass of trouble for me - I think controlling and manipulative - I still longed for a text, anything really, like an addict waiting for a hit. The sex was mind-blowing and the feelings more intense than anything I've felt ever before. BUT what happens when you start dealing the the nitty gritty of your broken marriage and all the practical and financial difficulties etc. I KNOW that I am right to end this even though it has hurt worse than anything else. Trouble is, you can't talk about the pain and how it feels as it is illicit so you feel you are suffering alone. Don't beat yourself up about your affair but just try to take each day one step at a time.

right now i want to get some answers for my own progress towards closure (or am I just telling myself that?) The other guy she's been living with has been txting me, I hate to say it but he seems to be a nice reasonable guy. Pretty much said if I want her shes mine b/c he knows she loves me and wants me. I took the "high" road and told him no, she made her choice by living with him, and we split up. I just want to talk to her and get some answers now.

I'm 2+ years into it with this girl- and the situation is further complicated in that I completely supported her, and she has some bad mental issues and also a drug problem.

Anyone looking at the situation including myself sees the right thing to do- get out while I can, before there is unrepairable damage to my family- I don't know what it is, something about this girl that I'm so in love with- maybe it's the thought of being able to help her- I guess the "why" isn't the issue- the issue is what am I going to do.

I need to cut it off- but I need answers first. I don't know if that will make it any easier, probably not, perhaps it will only hurt me more, but I'm not sure that's possible anyway.

i feel your pain....ive been having an affair for a year and a half, its been a rollercoster of drama but the when its been on the sex and time together has been amazing. Somewhat similar cincircumstances, she has 2 kids and i have been there emotionally &amp; financially for her. But recently i found out that she met someone on a recent trip and slept with him. What makes things more interesting is that I had just left my wife to be with her a month ago! Staying at her place while she was gone for 2days i was able to view her email. Needless to say the email i read devestated me, back in forth notes between them stating how good the sex was. It broke me, i packed up and left after confronting her. Looking back these past few days i know it was for the best, because being with her and the drama was emotionally draining on me. In the end I guess carma is a ***** and i deserved what i gave my wife

That's brutal. I had much same dilemma. Is there a right answer?

I want my MM to come to meee!!! Ugh, I would do anything to have him near me. Cant see how a woman would fight so hard for an MM and to actually go through a divorce and then she sees another person!!! Horrible. Im just dumbfounded at some women and their thought patterns..

2 More Responses

I am in a bad marriage for a few years now and have intended on ending despite having young children. I started to become friends with a man whom which I knew was married with two children. We became very close fast and had a strong physical connection. We both had developed feelings for each other and we both made justification for our affair, mine being that I was going to file for divorce from a emotionally abusive husband and his being that his wife had affairs early on in their marriage for which he never confronted her about. After a few months my husband had discovered our affair and told his wife. We briefly stopped talking and eventually ended up where we left off. Our affair continued and we discussed the possibility of making a life together a few times. Recently his wife discovered emails between us that she could easily determine that our affair was more than sexual. He has decided to try and work stuff out at home, he claims is for his children. I am continuing on with my plans to divorce. It is a very painful situation. I hope I am strong enough to move on if he should try to contact me again which I feel is inevitable. As for his wife, her past actions and lies may have caught up with her. She is lucky to be able to keep him, despite his betrayal with me, he is a wonderful man.

Thanks maximus...you said a mouthful and it truly helped me. I am hurting but Im hurting because Im selfish and ashamed. I think of how badly my wife would hurt if she knew the things I had done with this "soulmate." I got lucky, no one found out and my heart will mend.

Forget her and focus on your commitment to your wife and kids. Think of all the pain you caused your wife. You should be focusing your energy on making amends to your wife for that big hole you put in her heart. You took a lifetime vow when you married her for better or for worse. Your wife's disease is a poor excuse for cheating. <br />
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Should you leave your wife for this mistress? Are you kidding? She was only married for a year when she cheated on her spouse with you. Do you really want a woman like that? She has poor morals and is unwilling to commit to a relationship. She'll be cheating on you within a year. <br />
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If there's a problem with sex, you and your wife should seek counseling and find out what the problem is and look for ways to resolve it. It sounds like there's something going on other than grave's disease. I'd lost my sex drive for many years due to a hormone imbalance. When I got on bioidentical HRT, which included testosterone, the problem was resolved. Thankfully, my husband remained committed to our relationship and never cheated.

WOW, I read all the post, the last one by Maxamus really hit home. I'm not trying, I left my mistress and I accept the loss, the broken heart and the false hope of a perfect life. It really was the best choice.

I'm in the broken heart and hope of grass greener and confused and hope best decision.

I'm glad I read these posts. You know, it's all bullshit. If you are cheating on your spouse and really believe that you are having a relationship with your lover you are seriously deluded. I believed this for a while until I saw how completely insane it was. The hiding, the lies, the stories you concoct. You will never be on equal footing with your lover. You can never really say what you feel because this person always has the potential to betray you in a a fit of angry passion, so you spend a lot of time trying to make them happy. Don't think it's not a power trip either. And while you are trying to be good to everyone you are being mind-f***ed by him/her with guilt and manipulation. There are no innocent parties here except maybe the spouse that is being cheated on, and only because they being deceived. Doesn't matter how much of a ***** or bastard they are. Reading these posts is like glass of water in the face for me because I was in a similar situation and it cost me money, my health and my sanity in the end. You refuse to see the truth and you idealize this individual that you are engaged in a duplicitous charade with and you call it love. Wake the "F" up. If he/she will do it with you, they will probably do it to you. A guy that sleeps with another man's wife, with SO MANY single and willing women out there, will sleep with anyone's wife- remember that when your sister comes over after the divorce. A woman that will willingly begin a relationship with a man who is married with responsibilities and call it a relationship is pretty needy and tell me if that isn't a power trip. Curiously, my mistress was cheating on her boyfriend with me. What was I thinking?<br />
So you have this so-called wonderful relationship with this other person while your wife/husband is doing what... having a relationship with who- a lie?<br />
THINK OF WHAT YOU ARE REALLY DOING HERE PEOPLE! You are living in a fantasy, and it always ends badly. Fix your relationship, or leave it. But do something. YOU KNOW VERY WELL YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF LEAVING YOUR SPOUSE. People who cheat never do. You are just having your cake and eating it too, until it all falls apart. And then there are bodies everywhere, devastated spouses, broken children, angry and broken mistresses and lovers who had somehow deluded themselves into thinking you were going to leave. And honestly, at least the lover or mistress is somewhat more honest you than you. They don't really have to hide do they? Unless they are married, they can do whatever they want and can walk away intact, albeit with a broken heart perhaps but not a hell of a lot more. Married... you have everything to lose. Your family, your reputation, your self-respect. <br />
Listen to me, please. Get out of this delusion you are in. And you know what, stop confessing, and whatever you do, let your secret die with you, for everyone's sake. That crap about a confession making a relationship stronger is just that CRAP. I've seen this a dozen times and it always ends the same way. Badly. Walk away from something but make a choice, dammit and live your life authentically. This culture and abominations like Ashley-Madison, because that is what it is, have only encouraged people who are miserable for any variety of reasons to really look for trouble. When they should really be looking at themselves. They should interview some of the casualties of Ashley-Madison. I'm one of them. And everyone I met there without exception had serious issues, myself included. People have been cheating since the beginning of time, so what? But here in America we've turned this into a national pastime, more stuff to fill our already stuffed lives. <br />
Folks, don't beat yourselves up. We are only human, We do the best we can and sometimes we just F up. That's life. But if you posted here you know what you have to do. Walk away in either direction, but make a choice. My god, it is so hard, I think of it everyday, but that is why the right thing is always the hardest thing to do.<br />
Good Luck, friends...

If you really love your mistress and not your wife, divorce the wife and be with your mistress. Your wife and kids deserve someone who is there 100%. You should do what's right for you. I am. My mistress told me I need to be divorced before she can see me again. I have been mentally divorced for years, but never made the move. There's only one life to live. I will divorce my wife because I'm not happy, but not for another woman. Only for me.

If you really love your mistress and not your wife, divorce the wife and be with your mistress. Your wife and kids deserve someone who is there 100%. You should do what's right for you. I am. My mistress told me I need to be divorced before she can see me again. I have been mentally divorced for years, but never made the move. There's only one life to live. I will divorce my wife because I'm not happy, but not for another woman. Only for me.

Wow and here it is, I thought my situation was unique but I am reading my story here over and over again. I hate use the word 'mistress' but I guess that's the correct term. For about 3 years I watched her from afar. Always wondering what her name was. She worked behind at my local coffee shop. Actually, it became 'my coffee shop' because I would find a reason to go there just about every day just for a chance to see her and maybe hear her voice if she was taking orders that day. Over the course of those 3 years we made small talk here and there. She had a baby and I just kept her in my mind as a fantasy assuming she had a boyfriend, fiance or something being she had a baby now. A few months went by and I hadn't seen her until one day I walked into another coffee shop closer to home and there she was. Then that same week I see her pulling up at the same day care that I took y daughter to. Small talk became more frequent and I began asking her how the baby was and so on. She would always answer but I noticed she would never mention 'dad' or his father or boyfriend or anything to suggest a man in her life and she wore no ring. I was curious but never asked as I was married and really wasn't interested in having an affair and betraying my wife. I just thought of it as my secret crush. Mother's day came around and I thought it would be nice to give her a car and a candle or something. She loved it and small talk became conversations. Turns out we were both really big movie buffs and one evening she invited me over to watch a movie. I thought it was innocent and neither of us honestly had any intentions. But one thing led to another and we kissed and fooled around a bit but never slept together. Months later after our conversations turned to several texts a day and phone calls, we grew closer and our feelings grew. For months she expressed an interest in getting intimate and I kept refusing. I didn't want to betray my marriage. But one day it happened. And then again and again. It was amazing. She was amazing. Not just sexually but as a person. Our feelings grew and we fell in love. 2 years passed and she grew tired of spending holidays and nights alone while I was spending nights and holidays at home with my wife and kids. The burden became too much for both of us and we have broken up at least 5 or 6 times now. Each time more heart wrenching than the last. I am really happy when I am with her and my wife although she says she loves me very much, she really doesn't make me feel that way. She can actually be quite cold and mean much like her mother. It seems no matter what she goes through in life, if it's a tough time, she takes it out on me. The things she says sometimes I cannot even repeat as they are so hurtful and not the types of things you say to someone you love. I feel beat up and emotionally bruised. I lay at night staring at the ceiling wondering what my mistress is doing even though we've broken up again. She even got a hold of a pair of my sweat pants and started sleeping in them. She said they made her feel like I was with her at night. This last break up, she gave them back to me and I've actually tied them up in plastic because they smell like her and I want it to last as long as possible. When no one is around I sit and breathe in her scent and think about her. I would like to feel this way for my wife but she makes it impossible because of the type of person she is. I want to do the right thing and stick with my family. We have 3 children and I don't want to hurt them or my wife but I am not happy. I don't now what to do.

You do know what to do and that's to walk away...to someone who is decent enough to take time away from a child,because thts what you were doing when you spent time with her and probably her child.you gave her and her child precious time whilst neglecting your wife and children,your own flesh and blood and yet you sit there wondering why your wife is so cold???are you serious.finding out my dad cheated was worse for me than when he left!i knew my parents weren't happy and would have accepted (even at a later stage) my parents split!however,finding out that my father had an affair made me lose every ounce of respect I had for him.i love him but feel disappointed that the man I thought to be my hero was such a coward.i hate the woman he was with,for sitting and WAITING for him to leave us for her as though she deserved his time more than ours.i hate that he left my COLD mother for a woman who he is now no longer with and once again,blaming her for it!i hate that he thought he could just walk back in as if it was his g*d given right to just slide back in unnoticeable!i love that my mother didn't give him that chance!i love that no matter what he said about her,my mother remained gracious and decent,unlike his cruel and immoral mistress.i hate that when he lived with us in his unhappy life he smiled everyday,yet when him and his mistress lived together,he was always sad,even when I tried to make him happy.i have come to the conclusion tht they got what they deserved,I DON'T feel sorry for my dad,because he didn't appreciate what he had.i am grateful for the lesson that I have learnt from his misery,which is certainly fitting and that is the grass is never greener.he forfeited EVERYTHING for a stranger,including us,his own children and for what,a lonely existence in a bedsit,feeling sorry for himself and reminiscing about the past life(which I thought he was unhappy in).i haven't seen him for 10years out of my own choice as I said his mistress was a cruel woman.i don't actually miss him as I hardly saw him when he was married to my mother and saw him even less when he moved in with his mistress as she demanded most of his time!i vowed never ever to marry a man like my father.unfortunately his cowardess only made things worse.

GIGIPat, Ur 100% right. My husband did all that to my two young children and me, but since his mistress never actually left her common law husband when my husband was ready to leave us for her he kept staying w us. I let him stay because I loved him so much but it hurts everyday to know that he preferred to spend time and money on her than his own children on their bdays none the less. My son knows what his father did I'm sure. He's now almost 11 and for the 2 yrs my husband had his affair we would argue and sadly my son who was between 8 and 10 overheard us quite a bit. I feel stupid staying each time I found out he was still w her. My heart broke all over again each time. He ruined our lives my children didn't have the father they needed for 2 yrs or the mother since I was always worried and nervous and trying to catch him. These people who cheat know what they need to do but they choose to let their desires lead them instead of sticking to their vows and promises. They think its the most painful thing to let go of their affair partner. They deserve that "pain". Being the wife, husband or child being cheated on is far more painful and undeserved.

Things finally just ended with my mistress of nearly 18 months...forever. It is one of the hardest things for me to cope with right now because I thought I was truly in love with her. I was on the brink of leaving my family and putting my kids through what would have been the worst possible thing in their childhood. All to be with her. All ba<x>sed on false emotions. I suppose it is for the best that that didn't happen. That my eyes were finally opened to the truth.<br />
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So many lies and half truths were revealed to me in the last week. That there have been other men in her life the entire time we were together. That she was already with someone new the last time I saw her and is still with him. I don't know what hurts worse...losing her, or the feeling that none of this was real. That I had been a complete fool. That she could be with other people behind my back and continue to tell me that we would be together once I got divorced. I had put my heart and soul into her. She was my closest friend and confidant. But if she was never honest with me to begin with then where does that leave me?<br />
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There is a saying that a man may cheat on his wife, but not his mistress. I guess the reverse is not true. No honor among thieves.<br />
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Right now I am in a very bad mental and emotional state. I have a wife and kids that deserve better. I almost lost them to be with someone that I was so convinced I would spend the rest of my life with, only to discover that it was just all in my head. <br />
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It is humiliating as well, because my friends and even my mother knew about the situation and knew how I felt. How do I move on from this? How do I heal my family...and my broken heart. How do I put my life back together?

Day by day

I have read all the posts and have seen similarities to my story. I have been married for 24 years and have been in an affair for 2 ½ years. I meet my mistress and had an instant connection. It started as flirting then meeting secretly for coffee then early morning walks. I would start kissing her then feeling guilty but I had a strong attraction to go further. We became friends for 4 months before we finally had sex. After that is was all we did. We have broken up 4 times only to just receive a sms or a call and then we are back in a full relationship. Every time we broke up, I felt wow I got away with the affair. 3 months ago she phoned me to tell me she wanted to start seeing other men. That sent me in a spin. I wanted her all to myself and not share her with anyone, but I was not willing to leave my wife. My wife is a beautiful loving person who loves me unconditionally and I feel guilty for what I have done to her behind her back. I stop seeing my girlfriend for about a month, but all it took was a phone call from her telling me she misses me to return back in her arms. We have since started our sexual relationship again. We know this can’t keep on going on for much longer. We have decided to stop having sex until I am available. We have decided to stay friends while I sort myself out. I know this won’t work how you can fix your marriage while you are still seeing your girlfriend even just has friends. I just don’t have the will power to go cold turkey and I really love her, but I still love my wife who has been with me through the tough times. I am going through the pain all you guys have been through.