Q & A With A Former Refused

Did my STBX husband desire me, sexually, after we married? NO.
Did I feel like he had broken his vow? YES.
Did I feel angry? YES.
Did I feel sad? YES.
Did I feel confused?  YES.
Did I feel short-changed after we married? YES.
Was this fair to me? NO.
Did I see it coming? NO.
Did I assume my marriage would include sex? YES.
Did we ever have sex? RARELY.
When I say RARELY do I mean ALMOST NEVER? YES.
Was I the one who always initiated it? YES.
On the few times we did have sex, was it good? NO.
Was that because we didn't share sexual intimacy? YES.
Did I want him sexually? YES.
Did I want to cuddle and kiss and everything else? YES.
Did I want honesty and respect between us? YES.
Did I want to be intimate? YES.
Did I crave intimacy with him? YES.
Did I do everything in my power to make him happy? YES.
Was I fighting a losing battle? YES.
Was this because it was one-sided? YES.
Did he make me wonder for years what was wrong? YES.
Did he ever go to therapy? NO.
Did I beg him to? YES.
Would I have supported him every step of the way? YES.
Did he make me feel rejected? YES.
Did he make me feel unappreciated? YES.
Did he make me feel like it was my fault? YES.
Did I have to go to work with a fake smile everyday? YES.
Did I lie when I said FINE when someone asked how I was? YES.
Did I really want to say I FEEL HOPELESS AND UNWANTED? YES.
Did I finally realize I couldn't stay so unhappy? YES.
Did I make the decision to leave him? YES.
Was it difficult? YES.
Was I scared?  OF COURSE.
Do I feel guilty for leaving my husband? NO.
Do I have any regrets for leaving? NO.
Do I still wonder why he didn't want me? YES.
Do I think he has emotional issues? YES.
Do I think I had anything to do with them? NO.
Do I think therapy could have saved our marriage? MAYBE.
Do I think medication would have helped him? YES.
Do I think he'll ever get well? I HOPE SO.
Will I be there when and if he gets well? NO.
Will he be doing it only for himself then? YES.
Am I better off without him? YES.
Did I lose my self respect? ALMOST, BUT NO.
Did he make me think I was the problem? YES.
Did he make me feel unattractive? YES.
Did I cry myself to sleep? YES.
Did he sleep like a baby? YES.
Did he know how unhappy I was? YES.
Did he try to make things better? NO.
Did he make me think I wasn't interesting enough for him? YES.
Did he make me feel guilty for bringing up the sexless subject? YES.
Was I the problem? NO.
Did I have enough money to go it alone? IT DIDN'T MATTER.
Would I have been lonely? NO.
Would I have been happier being alone? YES.
Am I better off without him? YES.
Did I find another man? YES.
Does this man truly love me? YES.
Do I truly love this man? ABSOLUTELY.
Am I still a sexual, sensual woman? YES.
Do I want to love and to be loved? YES.
Am I having the best sex of my life now? YOUBETCHA!
Am I lucky to have found this particular man? OF COURSE.
Will I ever take him for granted? NO.
Will I ever refuse him my body? NO.
Will he ever refuse me his? NO.
Is this because we want to show our love in a sexual way? YES.
Is it normal to want to have sex with the person you love? YES.
Is it asking for too much? YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK FOR IT.
41-45, F
7 Responses Aug 2, 2010

Great checklist! I plan to give it to a friend of mine who's in the same (sinking) boat as I.

AMEN ISELFLOVE, AMEN! I recently left my refuser and have met a wonderful person, right here in this group in fact. I'm so glad that you joined - it's so valuable to have people here who have launched and have the benefit of hindsight to help those still struggling through their emotional turmoil..

TB = TahoeBaby. He is an ILIASM favourite son, who has been here in many guises. . . !!!

@enna30...TB? What's that stand for?! Thanks for reading my story and for welcoming me to the club! <br />
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Everyone else, I wish you good luck and a big >>>hug<<<. It sucks to be refused sex by your loved one. I was there for a very long time and couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. The only light was IF I had left him, and leaving him scared me because I knew he needed me and depended on me. Although we didn't have children it was still a very difficult decision to make. But I finally realized that I had a life, too, and that I deserved more. Would I ever find another man? It didn't matter. Anything would have been better than another year of such loneliness and frustration. I did find a man, a wonderful, loving man, and I'm so thankful that he came into my life, but even if he hadn't, at least I wouldn't have continued to be subjected to the hurtful neglect of my husband. Yes, I was lucky to have found in him not only friendship but also real love, but even if I hadn't I would have at least taken care of myself by realizing that I HAD THE RIGHT TO BE HAPPY. WE ALL DO! LIFE IS WAY TOO SHORT TO SETTLE FOR LESS.

Yay! ISL, you should be a member of the Sexual Liberation Front - if you are not already! This is the wonderful name TB gave to those of us who have made it OUT of sexless marriages. On behalf of other members and our patron, TB, I welcome you!! You expressed the angst so perfectly . . . thank you.

@skippyboy...thanks for reading my story and for sharing your thoughts. You mentioned 'hopelessness' and I want to tell you what a good friend of mine once told me. They said that 'Hope springs eternal'. It's true, very true. Good luck with your relationship, too, and please, never doubt your self-worth again.

Thank you for this succint summary of the many feelings we `recent escapees' are dealing with. It really pays to work through these issues when they inevitably arise. A long term partnership is not just wiped out when you leave, although it is consigned to history. Still we need to deal with the feelings they made us deal with whilst trapped inside that prison of hopelessness. Sleepless and smoking at 2am where once again `the talk' has ended up nowhere. ....where do you go when you're not happy,and they KNOW you're not happy and you know they aren't going to do anything about it ?<br />
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Into the arms of another was my answer, and seemingly yours too. It seems like we are both lucky enough to have found someone who truly makes us happy. I don't think I would have been able to settle for anything less, but I still count my blessings that it actually it happened....it was the hopelessness/worthlessness which was the hardest to deal with, now that has all melted like snow. Good luck with your new relationship.