If One More Tear Falls...

I'm up at 1am avoiding going to bed because my husband is in there. He's in there and I know when I lay next to him absolutly nothing will happen. It's been weeks going on a month since we had sex last which isn't that long considering the last span was months. I spend my nights, every night, crying until I can't cry anymore. I've read lots of post and stories on here all giving different advice. Things like "maybe you should try to initiate sex". I can't do that anymore, because I think it will kill me to go through it again. Three nights ago it was me laying in my black nighty with nothing on underneath practically begging him to be with me, and him not even giving me a second look and pulling his hand away from me. All I get for an explanation is "I'm not in the mood." So here comes advice point two, telling him exactly how I feel. I did that. I explained that it hurts to know that I'm not sexually attractive to him. It hurts that he doesn't give me a second look. And that it's killing me that I haven't been able to seduce my own husband to have sex with me in way over a year. Yes we have sex, but I find myself crying when he falls asleep after, because it feels more like an obligation than a fantasy. Its something he does just to get it over with. He insists that there is NO problem. He's just tired and not in the mood. Today I cried in front of him (something i try not to do, but sometimes it hurts soo much I just can't help it). I told him to tell me what I could do, and that I would do anything, loose weight, dress differently whatever so he would think I was sexy. He just said it's not me that he still finds me very attractive. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't cry anymore, I can't hurt anymore. I can't spend anymore nights up until 3am because it hurts too much to lay next to him. What do I do? How do I cope with this?
julespinzon julespinzon
16 Responses Aug 2, 2010

Tell your husband that unless he wants to end this marriage, he's gonna have to put in maximum effort to resolve this issue. You already told him how much this is hurting you and nothing has changed. He might be suffering from some kind of depression that even he isn't aware of or he is cheating on you. Men usually can't hide that very well or for very long. Maybe you should (if you can afford it) hire an investigator to find out if your husband is cheating and if so you have a decision to make, but at the very least you will know what is going on. Stop crying and take action.

i am so sorry to hear you are going through this, i am sure it is so lonely for you. he is treating you wrongly, he is pushing you further and further away from him, and when you finally realize you are sick of it and you leave him or make a decision, etc... you will probably knock his socks off, and then that is when it will be too late, too late for him to change his mean ways towards you because you will already be gone. I hope things get better for you.

Sweety, I am so sorry. I have been here. I was in a sexless marriage and tried everything I could think of to make it work. Begging, crying, counseling, losing weight, buying sexy lingerie. It took a couple years for me to figure out that HE was the one with the problem, not me. Once I was able to find the confidence, I left him. Months after that, I learned he had been cheating on me the whole time.<br />
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Being in a sexless marriage is no way to spend the rest of your life. Both people have to make an effort to make a marriage work.

there is no excuse for this at all. either something is wrong (and it needs to be fixed) or he's doing something outside of the marriage. I am sorry this is happening and I know it must be a terrible struggle for you.

It seems very hard but I would not give up yet. <br />
I would make him see that there is a problem<br />
because then you can resolve it ..marriage therapy maybe? date nights?<br />
you just have to kindle the love abit and maybe the spark will come back?

How did we all get so horribly mismatched with our partners? I honestly didn't know this was a problem that women had too. I'm coming around to the opinion that some people just don't like sex. It wouldn't matter who it was with, they just aren't interested. Like you, I am married to one of these people. She often tells me how attractive I am and how the women must be all over me, but does she do anything about it? No. I can't say what you should do, I can't follow my own advice so I shouldn't dole it out. What I can tell you though is what I've learned from talking to and reading stories from people here. It doesn't get better, it doesn't improve. You'll be doing this 5, 10 and 15 years from now. That's something you can either deal with or you can't. Your experience is heartbreaking, and I feel your pain every night with you.<br />

Don't beat yourself up over him. Deep down you have to ask yourself is he's still in love with you or are you still in love with him? Sometimes the answer is straight infront us. How else has he been different? Is it only in the bedroom or is it in everyday things? Your the one making all the effort here if he really cared for you he would talk to you. Maybe you should put your energy into finding someone who would love to have a lady like you that shows them so much attension. I know I would love it. I think your man has other issues and this is not your fault don't wait around to be treated like this anymore before you know it time will pass you by. Go and find happiness now before its to late.

I have been doing alot of research and speaking with men since my husband told me he wanted a separation..... Here is what I learned from one good friend -..... Did your husband have some kind of life altering expirience... maybe a car accident... a friend passing...parents passing.... anythign traumatic? He may be severly depressed, and that in itself is a mood killer. Maybe he feels he is not living up to your expectations, is there money problems in your life? <br />
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Go get a toy and coax him into playing with you and it, its a form of seduction, rent some adult movies, and just watch it together, send him some naughty pictures on his cell phone- spice it up... maybe he just needs some extra excitement, and not just a nighty with nothing under it - I know you have it in you. Maybe he needs more of a sensual mind game, he may need some mind stimulation... set the mood, send him naughty texts telling him what you want to do to him...get his mind moving .... he may need sensual and not to sound harsh but a crying begging partner doesnt really set the mood....<br />
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If that fails, please dont think it is you, Im sure your are a beautiful person. Maybe he is having problems mentally - stress, etc. Those can be a major downer. Maybe he is having a medical problem as far as he cant perform. Speak with him, not in the bedroom, take him for a walk, take him to a park, some where nuetral and tell him how concerned you are for him as far as his health (remember he said its not you) ... tell him that you want to him to go get checked out for depression, or anythign that can be wrong ...<br />
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If you truely love him, dont beg him, be his partner to get to the bottom of it. You dont want to pressure him because it will make it worse.

Feel so sad for you sweetie that my heart hurt reading your story. Been there done that. I have left and started a new life but the pain of being rejeced by your life partner never goes away. I wish I could say it did. At least I am now able to seek sex and new relationships but I don't know if I will ever feel love and trust again. I got broken and I still feel broken. I wish you all the very best. Seek counselling for your sanity's sake. Remember that you are precious, your desires are precious and normal and you cannot change him. It is not your fault.

I don't necessarily agree with all of the above comments. I have also been in this situation(on the giving and on the receiving end). My husband is an executive who works long hours and is under constant pressure all the time, often when we fall into bed late at night he is still thinking about all the things he need to take care of at work and even an **** of blonde, busty women won't get his attention. And from my side -I have kids and sometimes I can't think of anything worse than having to get naked after a long day of extra mural activities, homework, snot etc.. The difference for us is to be honest about it. Men don't feel macho when they can't perform and so they stop trying. Women don't feel like they are sexy when they are tired and bloated so they stop trying too.<br />
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I found that in the end the best way to manage it (apart from honesty) is to set aside a few evenings a week where you can just lie in each others arms with no strings attached. You don't have to talk, watch tv or anything else (in fact turn everything off) and you don't have to perform to any expectations. Often when there is no pressure from either side then things happen naturally.<br />
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If you carry on crying yourself to sleep then eventually you will hate him and blame yourself....

Someone mentioned depression that sounds possible and the "gay/bi" suggestion is possible, not that they don't like a little (or big) ***** once in a while. It could be that he would perk up if you were to whisper in his ear that you want/need to get some on the side - that's a goal of lot of us men - search this site and you will find hundreds of us perverts that find it terribly exciting. Your hinting of- or actually ******* other men might be the aphrodisiac what he secretly longs for.

Someone mentioned depression that sounds possible and the "gay/bi" suggestion is possible, not that they don't like a little (or big) ***** once in a while. It could be that he would perk up if you were to whisper in his ear that you want/need to get some on the side - that's a goal of lot of us men - search this site and you will find hundreds of us perverts that find it terribly exciting. Your hinting of- or actually ******* other men might be the aphrodisiac what he secretly longs for.

Advice point three: Leave him. You are young and you don't mention having any kids. It is extremely unlikely your husband will regain any passion and ardour for your sex life. He will most likely continue to have "pity sex" with you on the very few occasions he can bring himself to do so. The periods of time between grow longer and longer. Do NOT end up as I did, going 13 years with no sex at all. If you stay with him, this is most likely where you will end up.

Ah yes, crying the night away. How many nights have I wasted in the same way?<br />
As nsmithski said, he is who he is and you are who you are. Any change he does make, will only be a temporary thing and, you will always be wracked with doubt about how long it will last.<br />
At the end, you are faced with the 3 basic options we all have to face - <br />
1 - Stay - and try various coping mechanisms including therapy<br />
2 - Stay and have an affair<br />
3 - Leave<br />
None of it is a perfect solution but, it is action of some kind.<br />
All the best with your choice.

Is he under treatment for depression?

Could he be queer?