I think selfishness and fear are two sides of the same coin. There is a point where both are good, reasonable self preservation, but it doesn't take long for that coin to "gain too much currency" if you will excuse the pun.

The sad thing is that love--real, true, passionate, uninhibited love-- has nothing to do with the fearful/selfish model. It is selfless, sacrificial and life-giving. It embraces rather than pushes away.

That is why one-night stands don't satisfy. That is why we can't be happy laying next to someone who will only **** us so that they don't feel like they are neglecting us completely (if that).

That is why for the last year, when my stbxw would tell me that she loved me I would just wish that she had some idea what love really is. Love that sacrifices, that is selfless, would have never said "I do" when she knew she wasn't going to fulfill the vows and instead of enriching my life, siphoning it off day by day to fill her void.

The paradox is that you can't fill that void by taking from someone else. You have to keep giving until you are emptied completely and in the emptying, you are filled.
LoneHombre LoneHombre
26-30, M
9 Responses Aug 2, 2010

filled by the realization that she/he doesn't deserve you?

Wow. I think you're right on and very insightful. It's just profoundly sad to be willing to love like that and the other person to not even comprehend what love is. I've been there

Thanks Fresh

This is edifying for me. Thanks.

I hear you loud and clear TD. I had know idea that you were this far along in your journey.<br />
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We also can't beg someone or make someone love us or love us the way we need to be. If that love can't flow freely, something isn't right. When that love is present and flowing back and forth, both parties feel good, happy and fulfilled.<br />
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I am wishing you peace my friend. It does get better. Divorce sucks, but so does living in the dead zone.

Excellent. Glad to see I am on track :)

Being in a situation similar to yours... I do understand however, you eventually must survive for they will take you down with you.. I Dont know what love is for I have yet to find that person whom I will give myself completely... But do understand its similar to what you mention. Sometimes I do believe we mistake love for infatuations. Which is why many of us end up on a one sides relationships, Though my situation is different I do have a lover that only gives me the physical aspect for I do not want more. I think its exhausting to be in a relationship but I do find sometimes its better to be with someone who does not get to know you for the emotions will play a different role.

Hey Tyler...<br />
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That's the "giver/giver" model you're seeking and TB has found. You both give and by the giving, both are filled. Maybe it's a Catholic thing.<br />
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Princess Needssomefilling

I think we may be thinking past each other here. The problem with the SLM is that it is inherently one or no sided (giving leeway for those in extreme situations where no one is willing to give what-so-ever). I didn't talk about the need for the self-giving to be mutual. It would be better to say that to keep giving you must keep getting, thus a relationship. In a relationship where one constantly is emptied while the other is constantly filled, the end result is imbalance and ultimately exhaustion. It can't go on forever.