Different Year, Same Excuses

This weekend was our anniversary. I've always believed that a wedding anniversary is an important date and that a husband and wife should celebrate this day as one of the most special days of the year.

Being the hopeless romantic I am and believing all of the BS that says how you act towards others will determine how others will act towards you, I decided to put aside my anger and frustration and tried my best to project a happy and caring husband. On Saturday, I went out and got a nice card and picked out a special present that my wife would enjoy. As I have in the past, I thought "OK - maybe this year will be different. Maybe she'll say she knows how much her repeated rejections have hurt me and she's sorry and wants to start making it better."

I should have known better.

I won't go into all the details. We had made plans to go to out on Saturday night, so Saturday afternoon I asked her when she wanted to exchange our cards and gifts. Her response was that she hadn't gotten me a gift as she didn't see the need for gifts. Not the first time I have heard that line. Long story short I was turned away on both Friday night (I had just returned from a week long business trip - she ate dinner with me and the kids then went to bed and was asleep at 9:30) and Saturday night (at 10:00 pm "I just can't stay awake later than the kids" puts her book down and rolls over and goes to sleep).

Sunday night rolls around (our actual anniversary) and we end up in bed together and she shows some signs that she might be interested in having sex, so I initiate things like always but before things progress too far she looks up and says "I'm not really all that into this, but if you want to continue I'll go along". I asked if she was aroused at all and she said "not really".

I have so many emotions swirling around - anger, frustration, humiliation, sadness, rejection. Every year I think that maybe things are going to be different this year, and every year it's the same frustrating humiliating smack in the face - "I really don't care about our marriage and relationship. You are last on my list and you always will be." I know - what possibly made me expect anything different?

This is not love. It's not a relationship. It's allowing myself to be taken advantage of. I’m a one of the "good guys". I've always believed that a husband should try his best to make his wife happy – help out around the house, be a good father, be a gentleman, be a good listener/ lover/friend/provider. And this is what it’s gotten me.

I want a woman who loves romance and dancing. Getting flowers. Someone who gets excited at the thought of being able to spend time alone with me, who likes to look her best (whether it’s in jeans or a dress) because she knows I will appreciate it. Someone who likes getting goofy, naughty texts from me and likes sending them back to tease me. Someone who will play hooky with me from work every once in awhile. Someone who wants to explore “exotic” places together (even if it’s only 200 miles away) because she likes sharing the adventure with me. Someone who loves me with passion and affection and respect because she knows that I will love her like that every day. Not sure if she exists - maybe she doesn't. But I gotta believe there is at least one woman out there who wants to be treated like that and treat a man that way in return.

Sorry – this is more a rant than anything else. I know that I’ve been an enabler to my wife by not drawing the line. Right now, I just needed to let all this frustration out.

Thanks.
deleted deleted
26-30
10 Responses Aug 2, 2010

If only I were she, then you and me would be happy!

Thanks for the post mid. It's somewhat comforting to know we aren't alone with this issue.<br />
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My 15-year anniversary is tomorrow. The date is planned and the gifts are purchased (gifts include tickets for a week in Hawaii as she has mentioned lately she wants to go to Hawaii). <br />
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We will have a nice date tomorrow. Sex won't be on the agenda though. If I make an attempt, she *will* sabatoge it and I'll end up feeling hurt and angry. <br />
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I, too, pine for someone who would accept the romantic gestures. Not just sex, but a companion who would enjoy being courted and pursued. Someone who sees a trip to Hawaii as a romantic and adventurous get-away and not just a chance to see a volcano up close.

I seriously feel your pain. I just marked our 10 year anniversary in June. I thought I'd give it one last try. We had a great evening out then home and to sleep. One of us went to sleep at least.<br />
I've been through that "if you really want to just do what you need to do" thing. There isn't much more demoralizing and insulting than that, unless you count what happens if you actually go through with it. <br />
GaDad, keep off the grass.... I love that one!!

I guess I'll add my two cents with I'm sorry your wife is ______(insert whatever adjective fits..I've come up with a couple) I'm with Enna...there are loads of women out there that want what you want. <br />
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No one asked yet, and I haven't read your profile to see what else you've written. Have you talked with her? Does she understand how unhappy you are. Your description of your marriage mirrors mine. Except I'm a girl. It wasn't until last year that the straws added to my back finally broke. I was ready to leave. Long story short...I'm still here and we are healing. But it begins with open communication. My husband has vowed to me that we will never go back to the way we were. Its been a month so far and its been good. Real good. I wish you luck, but man,.....YOU HAVE TO TELL HER HOW UNHAPPY IT MAKES YOU...no one should have sacrifice sex (I would not even call what she offered you pity sex...there was too much guilt attached) <br />
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peace<br />
ginger

Anniversaries - or other landmark events - are there for the celebrating. Pre-suppossing there is something to celebrate.<br />
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Gotta say, my attitude to my wedding anniversary was rather like your wifes - as far as actions went. <br />
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But my thoughts were along the lines that the anniversary day ought reflect the reality of the preceeding 364 days. To turn around on day 365 and pretend all was great was beyond my capabilities.<br />
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Of course my attitude obviously helped the NEXT 364 days off to a great start !! lol<br />
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Seriously though, if you stay in your dynamic, you are - unfortunately - highly likely to develop a rather jaded outlook on such things. And that does no-one any good.

Can I apply for that position (pun intended)?

Women like your wife make me ashamed of women at times. . . . There ARE wonderful women out here! But your wife, sadly, isn't one of them. . .

Yes, such women exist. Yes, you deserve such happiness.<br />
Till you work things out in your mind, feel free to vent and share your frustration. We will give you a supportive ear/eye!

I apply for the position. I can assure you my qualifications fit that description.<br />
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Yes women like the one you describe do exist. I'm truly sorry that your wife isn't appreciating the wonderful man you are.<br />
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You are always welcome to vent here.<br />
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KFC

I apply for the position. I can assure you my qualifications fit that description.<br />
<br />
Yes women like the one you describe do exist. I'm truly sorry that your wife isn't appreciating the wonderful man you are.<br />
<br />
You are always welcome to vent here.<br />
<br />
KFC