Decades Of Sexless Marriage...

One child and sex was over.  I have discussed, explained, and hoped that it would change, but it doesn't.  He is asexual.  I have had flings and flirtations, but now I am looking back at 28 years of marriage and about 20 of them sexless.  I must be nuts.  I have thought about divorce, but am I also 60 years old - what chance do I have to even find a partner?  I have thought about suicide, just to put an end to this sense of emptiness. 
deepsix deepsix
10 Responses Aug 3, 2010

deepsix, promise me you will never ever contemplate suicide again. You know that is never the answer. That were me I would stick with him but still keep my eyes open. Be social, go places, and who knows you may be in the right place at the right time and really meet the man of your dreams. Is this deceitful? Probably. But he is being selfish and inconsiderate. By the way I work with many women who are 60 or beyond who look and act so youthful and they are incredibly fun. They are all, by the way, divorced and actively looking for a mate.Some do internet dating, others have joined dating groups, still others take classes etc. just to meet people. So I have learned that 60 is still a very young age. If h has been so selfish all these years then it's time for you to think of your own needs. Don't divorce - at least yet - look around for Mr. Right and once you've found him Mr. Wrong will have some begging to do. Best of luck!

My father has recently fallen in love with his next door neighbour (very handy hey)?. They are wonderful together<br />
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He is 83 and she 84<br />
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You are still a youngster and remember older women are the new rock and roll !!!! :)))))

After almost 20 years in a sexless marriage we are finally getting divorced. I believe my husband is asexual too; I'm in the same situation you are only I'm 50. He left about a year and a half ago, and I've found that I'm happier alone than in a sexless relationship. I hope to find a partner someday, but I don't think my chances are very good either. <br />
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I've written elsewhere on this site that I was in anguish almost every day of my marriage. But now that anguish is gone even though I'm alone now and still not getting any sex.

How sad to be married to someone who doesnt even know you are hurting or if he does know you are hurting he doesnt care.<br />
My first question would be - why did you stay? Second - is there any way of speaking to him about how you feel, and if the answer is no - they why are you staying?<br />
People are in relationships for all different reasons - security, money, possession - but it boils down to this - are you truly happy? If not, then why not branch out - who is to say that you wont live the next 60 years - you have already suffered enough...dont you think???

Deep six, you said "I have thought about divorce, but am I also 60 years old - what chance do I have to even find a partner?" <br />
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I agree with Tahoe - these thoughts are not connected. <br />
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If you are thinking of divorce, sort that thought out - is it the right answer for you, even if you will be alone as a result? Many of us here found that being alone in a marriage was far worse than being independent. <br />
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You're 60 - so what? If we're healthy, we've got lots of life and decades of potential for whatever we want to do. <br />
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And "finding a partner"? Don't try to worry about that at the same time as the divorce issue. There are no guarantees, but lots of possibilities. Even at "our age". Read stories by Penelope, Enna30 and Baz, d'artiste and morph, jojewel, blackdress. Even my story about the surprising benefits of volunteering. Echoing Enna, I'm 53 and my new love is 57 - and it's the best thing that has ever happened to both of us. And our past relationships help us appreciate each other all the more.<br />
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Stick around and read lots here on this group; it can be a lifeline.

If your really unhappy...not just because of the lack of sex...change your it for the rest of your life the way you want it to be.

But therapy for YOU is very likely to be helpful. I agree that the chances of you saving your marriage through therapy are very unlikely - your chances of saving your marriage are NIL IMO.<br />
But do get therapy for yourself - it will help you clarify your own thoughts, validate you and help you to move on.<br />
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BTW my lover and I are both 58 and moved in together less than 4 months ago. This is the best relationship of my life . . . don't let age be a factor in your decision making.

Absolutely, therapy is a key component in finding yourself again, and realizing how much life is out there for you to discover. Don’t let your partner’s lack of intimacy keep you down. It’s not your fault. Don’t take on that burden. Free yourself and discover just how important and special you really are.

What about therapy? Has anyone been successful going down that path?

Couple of things.<br />
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If you think you are married to a dud partner and that's what is making you unhappy, then a sure fire way of finding out if what you think is right is to separate. You will find whether you are unhappy because of him - or just naturally unhappy.<br />
If you separate, you might feel challenged by new circumstances and the logistics of setting up a new life - but that's uncertainty, not to be confused with unhappiness.<br />
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Your chances of finding another partner are quite good*. But if thats your motive, I dunno that it's such a great one. They are two separate matters. <br />
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*the quality of that potential partner is the key, you don't want to do another lap of the same track just in a different car.<br />
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Good luck deepsix.