Another Sexless Marriage Story.

I'm new to this site and I'm not used to sharing something so personal....I've been reading the other stories around here and I thought I should go ahead and try and get out what I feel inside.My husband hasn't touched me in years. I don't really understand him. I'm pretty,shapely, a kind caring person...I do whatever I can to make him happy,but he doesn't seem to want to do the same thing for me. I just want a little affection, a little touching, a little intimacy...I have a very high libido and it hasn't been satisfied in years. He doesn't know how close I've come to seeking what I need outside of our marriage...he really doesn't. It's not that I haven't had the opportunity...we're all adults here, we know how "things" can happen sometime. I feel like I'm drowning sometimes....I look over at him asleep and I just want him to wake up and do what he's supposed to do with his wife. We have talked about it...he tells me he's sorry, it's not me,he just doesn't feel like it. He's worried about this or that and other things....maybe it's my fault....I let him slide to long without talking to him about my needs....I just thought it would get better if I let him alone and let him sort his feelings out. I was raised in an era where we just didn't talk about that sort of thing.I am at a loss right now.
Mandy
deleted deleted
26-30
9 Responses Aug 3, 2010

I live in a sexless marriage too. And I think this is because she is very aggressive and angry with the words. She is a beautiful woman, not beautiful and perfect but if we were not married I would certainly wish for her. Several years ago I was unfaithful, betrays her several times. But for more than seven years that I'm not unfaithful. But she could never trust me and always attacks me with words. Anything I do she complains and recalls my past. Recalls that I did, I was unfaithful, the offended, the strike. But she forgets she was always angry and it has its influence in our marriage turned ****. Because of this I havenĀ“t the hots for her. It took her for romantic dinner and everything was wonderful until it was rude to me because she think that i touched on purpose in a woman who was watching me.

I am in the same boat. My boyfriend and I have both fully agreed to do what we can to work on this though. We just don't know where to go from here... help :)

I've just picked out a portion of your story to comment on Mandy. The bit where you say ....I just thought it would get better if I let him alone and let him sort his feelings out.<br />
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Given the observable result of that tactic, you can safely say that it didn't work. Either because he can't sort them out, or, he doesn't actually see there's a problem and therefore doesn't think there is anything he needs to sort out.<br />
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Think you need to up the ante here.

MOXIE might have something there. Its worth a look into. I know all the conversations you had with your mate, cause I had em too. It really wasn't until I was almost out the door that things turned around. At least for me. And this turn around is recent. And it was slow. Ever so slow in coming. I am holding on to hope and trust that we don't repeat past patterns. Thats all I can do. <br />
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Your alternative is to leave. And good things could happen to you there too. You could meet someone wonderful. But it all begins with some kind of movement. EP is good for that. bouncing ideas, getting support. Learning from someone elses mistakes. And celebrating in others victories.

Living with a refuser is very difficult because we tend to focus on the lack of sex in the marriage. But the lack of sex is a symptom of a much deeper, more profound mental health problem that is the true source of the refuser's behavior. I strongly recommend you research Sexual anorexia to see if you can find answers to your situation. I cannot claim that it is a solution, I won't hold out that kind of hope. But knowledge and information always is better than spinning around in confusion. Good luck to you and God bless.

hi mandy!<br />
its very unfair in your part that you are not enjoying the life of a married couple that suppose to be happen,, it seems that you are killing yourself of thirst amidst the river... why not taste outside the married life and let him feel that you are doing it because you need it.... and let him think that he is not doing his responsibility as a husband.... hope you like my comment....

Overcoming your situation can mean different things at different times. It can mean suppressing your own needs and living by his "rules" - something I guess you've been doing for a long time.<br />
It can mean trying to "fix" your marriage, through vartious strategies - but sadly, these almost never work.<br />
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Or it can mean starting again. Do you have children living at home? Is this anm issue that keeps you in your current situation? Please share a lirttle more of your situation with us.<br />
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I think we can all empathise with how strange it feels to share such an intimate and private part of your life on-line with strangers. But very soon we will be your cyber friends - as real as those you have in real life. And no-one understands your situation better than we do, here on ILIASM. Welcome to the group no-one wants to belong to!

@ Bill in VA...you were one of my first friends too! You seem to be one of the official ILIASM welcome committee. people..<br />
@ Tahoe...she won't know unless she forces him to answer... I can only speak for my personal experience.<br />
@ Mandy..Hi. & welcome. Sorry you have to be here (seems to be the regular greeting.) You can read some of my posts to understand where I'm coming from. There are some of us who chose to leave our marriages and some who chose to stay. I am chosing to stay and for this now...its working. But it took a lot of work. A whole lot of forgiveness on both our parts. And I won't ever know when sexlessness will resume again. I am hoping not for a long long time. And not to beat a horse to death...it always starts with communication.....Tahoebaby will call it TRUTH TELLING. and as long as you speak the truth and your partner is willing to listen and speak truth in return? There aint nothing you can't over come. <br />
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@ TB..sorry to steal from you..but hey..I gave you credit!<br />
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g

Are you telling me that I'm your first real friend? Bill in Va.