It Now Turned Into A Loveless Marriage

Hi, Wow this is strange, I did not know who to share this with and here I am sharing it with you !
Me and my wife have marital fights, domestic fights from time to time and after we make up we usually make up and continue our intimate relationship. It was very good in the beginning and at times mediocre but good most of the time.
After one fight a really bad one in which I am sure we both erred I decide to sleep in the spare room.
After making up and wanting to be intimate again my wife started having all types of excuses and refusing the love making, this has now gone on for a while and by now I try to imagine how it can be and get excited about it but I've lost interest.
Although we love one another it seem as if the intimacy is totally gone. When I think about it I realize that I want someone to be intimate with and that is not my wife, if I leave her she will really go through a very difficult time to find her feet again, but at the same time I need a intimate relationship of love with someone, what am I to do ??
tokkie5703 tokkie5703
51-55, M
7 Responses Aug 3, 2010

I agree, what to do or what not to do, why did you stay with your husband ??

Tokkie, this is what we all want. Without close loving sexual encounters, intimacy dies.

Hi Guys and Lady, thanx wow that was more than what I could expect from a therapist. I tend to differ in a matter and that is that intimacy not sex is very important in a marriage, everyone can say you keep you busy with other things but i need that intimacy, it is important, that is the touching, the cuddles , the stroking and squeeze of the bum etc. things that will and must carry on even after the fire has died and you cannot get it up anymore, IT IS THE INTIMACY THAT I WANT AND NEED, That is what is missing, my wife is still my friend, but not my lover, still my confidant but not one with me in body and soul.

Showie, you have chanced on the very reason most of us in this forum are NOT happy. You say:<br />
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" At the same time we are very happy because we have other things to focus on and keep ourselves busy." The key word here is WE!<br />
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When both partners are content, it does not matter how much or how little sex is involved. It is when there is a discrepancy between the two people concerned that problems arise.

Intimacy is not everything that matters in a relationship as I'm quite sure you are well aware of. The longer you are together with someone the more of a bond is shared between you and it becomes harder to break no matter what issues may arise. The wife and I have knock down, drag out fights as well and we stay together every time. <br />
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It is real easy for someone to tell you to just leave her and move on or to just fix things with her and move on. For just about everyone, it can be hard to be tied to one person for the rest of your life and at the same time we also tend to become too comfortable and take for granted that they are there with us. <br />
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I'm not about to tell you I have the key to happiness, but....I will tell you one truism and that is you need to focus on your life path and what you feel you need to get from this life. If you are focusing on that and not focusing on weather or not you are getting the sex you need, you will be happier in general. And if your happier, so will she be.<br />
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I am a father of 4, the wife and I have had many experiences and are rather proud of the fact that we were able to have them as well. I currently sleep with my two babies and she sleeps with one of our teens because of my snoring problems. We very rarely are intimate these days unless some miracle happens which allows us to have privacy together. At the same time we are very happy because we have other things to focus on and keep ourselves busy.<br />
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The question you need to ask yourself is, are you happy to have your wife there as a partner to share your life experiences with? And is she also happy to have you there?. If so, nothing else really matters now does it. <br />
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The sex will happen if you both focus more on what fulfills the two of you instead of what is lacking. <br />
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Spend some time trying to help her be happy and content with every aspect of her life and she will reward you with just about anything you desire.

"reciprocal escalation" - it's poison.<br />
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If I've misread what you meant I apologise, but the phrase "I want someone to be intimate with and that is not my wife" sends off warning bells to me. It seems it could alternately read "I want anybody to be intimate with bar my wife". I'm not sure that this is a great basis to be launching from. <br />
The resolvement - or dissolvement - of the present relationship ought be the primary focus IMHO.<br />
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Tread your own path, and good luck.

I offer you the usual advice to newbies. . . firstly, welcome to the forum. None of us wants this particuilar experience - but we all share it. Read, read, read - the stories and the forum posts. It will give you a good idea of the issues you face.