Wow, Reality Both Sucks And Is Kind Of Exciting . . . A Post Pity Sex Story

Well, I was all in a snit a few weeks ago when I got some (albeit really good) rare pity sex. Or it might have been shut up sex, I can't tell the dif.  As most of you predicted, it wasn't the beginning of anything. It's been absolutely dry since then. BUT, that's OK. I have mourned that sex life (not MY sex life, just my sex life with him) and am moving on.  I am enrolling in community college in the fall and have made some exciting plans. This marriage is over (in my head anyway) but also in my heart, our bed and everywhere else it makes sense. I have a roommate, not a husband.  That's cool, I am not going to waste any more time being angry with him, upset, sad, or hurt. I am going maintain my exercise routine, continue my good eating habits, continue spending quality time with my family, and am really looking forward to school. It's to get an associate's degree in my field, which will give me double earning potential for my "next" life.  I am really excited about being 10 days off my nerve pills with no desire to take them and I am down to 3 cigarettes a day with 8/15 being my last day of smoking (if not before).

Just words of advice, once doesn't change anything, just because you still feel it doesn't mean they do, and you don't have to tilt those windmills, they're never going to make it easy, enjoyable or anywhere close to whta you need. I have spent a year in torment and loneliness. Partly his fault but partly mine, too. People only have whatever power over you that you allow them to have and the power to make us beg like dogs for affection and attention is not a power they should want and never one we should give them.

Wish me luck, guys. I'm not so stupid as to think I have this licked, but I've blacked it's eye.
GingerJen GingerJen
11 Responses Aug 3, 2010

Try and have him read Sex starved marriage by Michele Weiner Davis. You should read it too? If he loves you this will help or change your life

You go, GJ!! Like you, and I suspect most others here, I too cried buckets of tears . . . Never did me any good though! I am SO proud of you for reclaiming your life! If you live with a Refuser, it saps your own life from you. . . I cannot tell you how many people commented on the change in me once I left my own SM! May your journey be one of fulfillment, happiness and FABULOUS sex!!!!

OMG, you are so right TB - I sound so pathetic! I cried SO much for weeks and weeks. But it was cathartic. I am going to copy and paste these and save them onto a disc just in case I EVER EVER think about going down that road again!<br />
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Thanks to everyone for the support. You guys have been more critical to my jouney than you can know.

This caught my eye. I'm almost caught in the same situation, but not quite. My wife and I (both 50 now) rarely have sex, maybe once every 2 months or so. When we go on holiday, we love each other, walk and hold hands, kiss all the time and make love basically every day (or twice!). Its the pressures of home, family, jobs, kids, etc...... its killing our love for each other. We never stop working when we are at home, leaving no time to spend with just each other. Now we try to get a break away every 6 months or so to 'rekindle the fire'.<br />
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Perhaps it's too late for your situation, but we never gave up.

It sounds like you will do absolutely fine as you transition to your "next life". If there are any bumps along the way, we're here to support you when you need it.

Your mind is there now<br />
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The rest will just follow, be patient and dont beat yourself up about stuff.<br />
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I was you a few years back

I very much doubt that you need any luck.<br />
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You have figured out a heap of stuff yourself. You have acted on what you discovered. You are on the verge of your new life.<br />
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If you attack your new life with the same attitude you cannot possibly fail to have a rewarding wonderful new life. (with the odd speed bump, just to remind you !!!!)'re on your way. Enjoy the random sexual encounters for what they are... one night stands. Focus on preparing for the next half of your life. Good for you and don't lose courage.

YOU GO GIRL!!!! you can do this! keep taking care of yourself and doing for you!!!! on the smoking that is freakin awesome!! no one should ever have to beg for affection and i have stopped that myself. it's so very hard but it must be done. keep us updated? am excited to hear how you are doing!!!

Ahhh, you got the "fool you" treatment. The refuser plays a nasty game and tosses little tidbits your way just to keep you confused about what you know to be true - they are manipulative and controlling people. It may be a sudden show of concern, kindness, consideration, affection and yes even sex, if they must. But it won't last long. So don't get your hopes up! Keep focusing on your life and doing whatever it takes to make you strong enough to leave and move on.

I am wishing the best for you! You have a clear idea of your goals. Good for you! Cessation of smoking is another plus. When i quit (almost 25 years ago) I noticed i laughed more. I hope the same happens to you. <br />
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ginger (and yes..that really is my name)