Again...

People should not live in fear of another person leaving or change their behavior if they fear someone will leave them.  I am growing tired of the let's make love about every 3-4 months when I am ready to hang it up.  It is crazy.  She agreed to the terms of why I could stay in the marriage but then immediately violates the agreed upon "terms of surrender."  Ouch...After all I have read from Paulo Coelho and others Sex is the most powerful key and to withhold sex from a partner is just "cruel."  "Sugarbabe" believes we should have negotiated infidelity.  I like that idea-of course many would but if your spouse is not willing to surrender to you and vi ca versa how can there be growth?  There is certainly trust issues involved with my wife.  I feel for her but I cannot just wait like a dog with a full bladder to go outside.  I accept I am a dog.  If you treat me right I will never leave.  Ignore me and I have to leave...it is my nature and I am ok with being a dog.  However, I may revert to wolf status and just roam independent.  Too many games and not enough honesty.
She does not want counseling and when things get worse she asks , "What can we do?"  I have at least melted it down to, "You can **** me, make love to me, screw my eyes balls out, etc. regularly and I guarantee I won't leave.  Is it that hard to understand????
greggamma greggamma
46-50, M
2 Responses Aug 4, 2010

Thanks Guys. You all pegged it. It really is nice to have support!

Hi and welcome.<br />
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Reading between the lines, you appear to have "had the talk"; negotiated something in good faith; then been dudded on delivery. Maybe this has happened more than once.<br />
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Trouble is, that if this is what happened, you could end up in a situation where she busts the expectation quicker than you can lower your expectation.<br />
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Could be it's "line in the sand" time. It seems that from your point of view you are at this point.<br />
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Also seems to me that you have articulated what you need from her to achieve a particular outcome (that you will stay in the marriage). You have in a way, provided her with a 'wish list'. Has she provided you with a similar list ?<br />
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There are some eerie similarities between your experience and mine. A key element for me was that I provided a "wish list" to her. She never provided me with hers, though she was always 'going to'. That, in and of itself was very revealing. <br />
Essentially, my "wish list" provided her with a valuable tool to use. She could have chosen to provide what the wish list contained in the interests of the marriage. Alternatively, the "wish list" provided a powerful weapon in as much as it was a blueprint for her to further alienate me, by making sure she did NOT choose to do things I needed.<br />
By either indifference, inability or indolence, she chose the latter.<br />
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And, luckily, she never provided me with her wish list - so I was not 'tested' as to whether I would choose to meet her stated needs (probably, given the environment and mindset, I would not have been able to do so)<br />
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And, it was over. <br />
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Good luck in your search for your answer to this vexatious position.