Tired Of Feeling Hopeless With A Husband That Is Essentially A Roommate

For starters, I must say I am so happy to have found this site where I can share my story and read others similar to mine. I feel a little better already knowing that I'm not the only one out there living in this situation. (Although I would not wish for anyone to be in a sexless marriage and feel the kind of pain and lonliness that goes along with it.)

My husband and I have been married for a little over four years now and have been together for about five and a half. For approx. four and a half of our five and a half years together, there has been a serious imbalance when it comes to sex. When I used to ask for sex he would say things like "all you want from me is sex" or "a stiff wind could make you horny", both comments bothered me. I don't think wanting sex with your husband1-2 times a week is really all that excessive. However, nowadays 1-2 times a month would thrill me. I finally stopped asking for sex. I would be rejected 99% of the time and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Plus, when I used to ask him and the times he did agree to have sex, I would have to 'perform' on him for a long time (30+min), etc. just to get him in the mood. It felt like I was always having to 'talk' him into it physically. So now there just is no sex.

Why is there no sex between us? He says he's too tired or too stressed or too whatever. It makes me crazy that I married a man that doesn't even desire sex once a month! He also complains that sex is boring. When he said that I started making all kinds of attempts to make it more exciting. I asked him about his fantasies and desires so see if there was anything I was capable of fulfilling, I suggested toys, books, games, etc, I suggested different positions, I suggested doing different things such as role-play or having sex in a different location. NONE of the things I suggested we was interested in, but yet he didn't even have any suggeestions of his own so I don't feel the excuse 'sex is boring' is valid since I feel I did everything under the sun to try and make it more exciting.

I'm so tired of being married and feeling more alone when I am with my husband than when I am actually physically alone. The feeling of rejection, loneliness, and hopelessness is getting to be more than I can bare, but I am basically stuck where I am. I have two children (ages 3 and 8) so I am limited on the number of activities I can participate in to simply focus on myself. I do have a fulfilling PT job and I am attending graduate school full time of rmy masters degree. When I'm at work or school I'm fairly happy, but as soon as I come home and see my husband it's like everythinng is just drained out of me.

I apologize for being so long winded and if anyone actually reads through this entire thing I sincerely appreciate it. If anyone has any ideas as to how they have coped with a sexless marriage I'm all ears. Coping during the day isn't too difficult usually but at night it becomes a different story. At night I have to face the physical and emotional loneliness and that is when I often get very depressed. Thanks again for reading!!!
eml3 eml3
22 Responses Aug 4, 2010

This year marks our 10th anniversary, and to be honest, after marrying very late in life at the age of 50, I knew to keep my overall expectations reasonably in-check.
Neither one of us had been married previously (a real +) and certainly no children.
A double ++.

But in-spite of all the questions asked before marriage, one can never learn the all truth about another person. And, yes, bells were clanging in my head before the wedding, but I knowingly tuned them out until after we were married and I saw up close and much too personal just how close he was to his mother----who has finally passed on! He lived with his mother all of his life. (yes, I can hear the snickers, see the heads shaking, etc. Trust me: run as fast as you can away from such a person!! No one can take the place of 'mummy' ). And, since he was an only child (mummy had a child out of wedlock as a young woman; ;later was married 4x before her final widowhood which produced my husband, whose father died when he was only a baby ---it's like a Greek Tragedy in Three Acts). My husband was spoiled, indulged and made to believe he was the 'Heir Apparent'. He was smothered to death which warped him sexually. emotionally, on so many levels as a man.

Our sexual life has been crushingly lame---even after all the marriage counseling.
I wanted to get to the root cause of what it was that prevented him from discovering what his real needs are. "I don't know what I feel"----this will be his epitaph.

My man is a wonderful person to cuddle with, smooch and hold hands with, he's true blue and good as gold---but BORING as hell.

I actually wrote this response for another similar story, but it still fits.

Sounds like a mirror image of my situation. Had the ring handed back to me more than once during an argument. I would hate to leave for the kids sake, but I find myself just not happy. I'm sure it is somehow transferred to our kids through my mood, temper or something. I've brought up my dissatisfaction before too. She has brought up things with me....and I've changed. Shes shown me some of my flaws ... ill give her that. But my simple requests for a more loving, exciting, spontaneous, sexual relationship go unnoticed. I also agree with the girl that wrote about watching out how you react to a free bone. totally true.

My wife just seems to just not care about sex. its not even in the cards. i went to a therapist once and when i told her about our sex life, she looked at me, paused with no resonse, then told me, "Thats not right.....You guys are still young (36 at the time). You shouldn't be having sex like your 60." LOL!!!! The therapist was probably 70. Ughhh.... Just struck me funny.

My tolerance is wearing thin and my eye is actually beginning to roam after being together for over 15 years (8 of them married). Funny part, is that she thinks things are just fine. Just goes about the day, two quick pecks a day (goodmorning and goodnight) and thats it. Now i know that someone's going to say, "we'll, just talk to her..." In response to my last comment. I have. Brought this up more than three times. Nothing ever changes. I'm always the initiator and she never takes charge. She never comes up with seething fun. Why don't I you ask? I have. She acts like she's 18 or younger and can't handle even talking about it. It's sad. Am I just supposed to deal with it? Or file for a divorce or seperation and get my *** handed to me financially?

God! I really miss the spontanious passion i used to get from other women. The outgoingness..... The fun.

It has gotten old..... real fast.... And I'm at my wits end.


Near mirror image of my story. Whats the comment about that you stated "watch out how you react to a free bone?" I must have missed that somewhere..Shame we have to feel like dogs when thrown out a crumble. 30 years into this.. nothing is ever going to change :(

I am a lot older than you, 52 years old, but I still want sex and can't have it due to bad marriage and the same situation you are in. People my age still have sex, he been this way for 6-7 years. It does effect your marriage and is so painful. It shapes how you see everything.k

Skansen could you send me a PM

I feel your pain....

my tip is, if your partner starts behaving differently, leave at once until you are still young. it is already an old technique of TRYING TO TALK TO THE PERSON AND ASK WHY! how do we know if they are really telling the truth? is this what we call now that they love us? it is clear now that they really don't. for whatever reason they agreed to marry us before, it is not really from love. it is me the husband who has this problem. nagulat nalang isang araw sa kakakulit kung ano ang problema. nadulas at sinabing "sawa na ako eh"! wow! after a perfect preparation before marriage, believing what she said before that everything is perfect, it was all lies pala. like most people, after the wedding eto na, lumalabas na unti-unti ang tunay na kulay! you see little by little the real person coming out. Good nalang for me, i protected my heart kaya hindi naging ganoong kasakit. i have adviced a lot of people about marital problems. and there is one thing we discovered. there are people who will lie to get what they want. To Ginger Jen and everybody like her, always remember to LOVE YOURSELF FIRST! This is for you and your children. Minalas lang tayo ng pili ng asawa, NAUTO TAYO. There is nothing wrong with us bec. we did our best. And if they suddenly change without any explanation, that's the sign for us to leave!

For what it's worth: I would love to make love to you. I would love to make you come. I would stroke your hair, and I would kiss your breasts, I would kiss your mouth when my **** was inside you,

To all those sweet lovely people who say:<br />
"Just talk to him" . . . . <br />
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May I respectfully point out that we on ILIASM are neither incredibly stupid nor comunicatively challenged!! For crying out loud, if you want to offer gratuitous advice, please go elsewhere!!!!<br />
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If you want to comment in ways that might be of genuine assistance, READ The stories and forum topics here and GET A GRIP in the reality of sexless marriage before you comment.

i am so sry ur in that positon i was like that at one point with my husband but it was only a monht or two but i sat dwn and asked what was the real problem we talked and got trought t hon u have been staing too too long ur not happy and i know ur kids can tell . u need to talk to him and if he is contiuint to make u feel tis way u need to really think of what to do for u

I have a wife that sounds like she'd be a good match for your man.<br />
Maybe we should swap?

Oh my goodness...How sad...You simply arent "stuck" as you mentioned. Yes, I know its difficult and yes I know it is heartbreaking. Having children and not wanting to get divorced and then wondering how life is going to be handled if you do get divorced - all of it simply seems overwhelming - but trust me it isnt. Yes, it will be difficult but isnt almost everything in life difficult at one point or another?<br />
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If you have seriously and honestly tried every avenue to speak to your husband and he still isnt listening then my suggestion is talking to someone professionally. If he simply isnt willing to do that - they go yourself. Being "stuck" with someone who shows you complete disregard is not healthly for yourself - let alone your children. You need to learn that you are valid and your feelings count.<br />
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Only when you heal yourself will you find that you have the strength to do what is right for you and your children. Hang in there...

He loves you. But he is too caught up with things that are happening right now in you both's life, something must have changed. You both need to start to talk now, or your relationship will either stay the same for the next 40-50 years, or end soon, because one will start to cheat, either him or you. So what YOU can do is start talking to him. There are a lot of men that do not talk about their problems. Either because they were taught to be a proud man, or they are crybabies. But if the latter is the case, he is best off talking to YOU, before he does it to some other woman. He probably loves you and also loves the relationship with you, otherwise he'd be gone already. So don't go crazy, Girl!!!

welcome to the network. You need to give your husband a kick up the arse. First find out if he has anyother issues outside of the home that you may not know about. If he says no and refuses to talk to you than all I can see is the situation getting worse. Give him an ultimatium he either agrees to tlak to you so you can find out what is wrong with him or you tell him you have reached that last straw with him and get out of this loveless marriage before he drives you mad. Remember your the one making all the effort here and I can tell you there would be many a man who would love to have a wife like you on there arm . Get your life back now before he drags you down and drains every last drop of self confidence out of you. I bet he will be nothing without you and it will take you to make the first move to make him see what he is loosing before it's to late.<br />
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Do this for yourself I know from reading your story that you are a really nice person,good mother and great wife. Just keep telling yourelf that and it will give you the strenght to get through this. Were all here for you if you need to talk your not alone. Good luck.

I just wanted to say that I have been in a sexless marriage and I am sorry you are going through it. I don't have any good advice, except to say that it's him, not you. You are making an effort and he is not. it takes two to make a marriage work. I tried to fix a broken marriage for years before it dawned on me that I couldn't do it by myself. You having children and being pregnant makes it different from my situation though. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best, hon!

Thank you everyone for your responses!!!<br />
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(BTW, I am the one who wrote the inital story on this post even though my screenname is different. I don't know what I did wrong but I can't log back in to the eml3 account; it keeps telling me my email address is invalid so I can't get my password emailed to me so I had to start a new account.)<br />
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GingerJen: I can't believe your husband had the nerve to say that! And in front of a friend! That statement is hurtful enough on it's own, but to say it in front of someone else? Thats terrible! <br />
And I think you're probably right about what my husband would do if I start treating him solely like a roommate. I could see him feigning interest in me and the cycle that could start.<br />
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We have and are still going to marriage counseling. We have been going every week now since March. We also went to couples counseling for over a year starting 6 months before we got married. Both counselors tend(ed) to overlook the sexless part of our marriage and focus on other things. I find that to be frustrating even though I realize we need some help in other areas of our 'relationship' as well. <br />
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I have thought about leaving and I did tell him I wanted to seperate which we did at the beginning of this year for about 6 weeks. Most of the time I wish I could leave him, but I can't right now without quitting my masters program. And on top of all of that I'm pregnant. The last time we had sex was the first week of May. And that one time got me pregnant. Figures. I'm happy to have another child on the way, but it does make it harder to leave.<br />
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Anyway, thank you again to everyone who responded!!! Joining this group and reading everyone's comments has been so helpful!!!

"I got some sex toys. I got some books. I asked for input about ramping things up. I suggested different positions . . . . etc etc"<br />
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He did - - jack ****.<br />
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This marriage needs resolving or dissolving.<br />
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On the information presented, "resolving" is going to have to be driven by one person (you) in a two person problem. It won't work. The passive partner precludes any progress beyond what they are prepared to put in.<br />
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So, you may be better to put your intelligence, rat cunning, imagination and determination into other area's - like say "dissolving".<br />
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Probably tho, you will need to do another lap or two within your PRESENT situation to re-confirm what you probably already 'know', but are not, yet, ready to 'accept', and thats ok.<br />
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Tread your own path, at your own pace.

A lot of behaviour (by all of us!) is motivated by things we don't fully understand or that are not clear in our conscious minds . . . I guess a few very hard hearted spouses deliberately and coldly offer sex to further entrap the already desperate spouse. But I think many more act from an awareness that YOU (the spouse wanting more sex) are about to do something "drastic" (as in leave!). They don't want this to happen, so they offer sex to prevent it . . . but they don't really KNOW that what they are doing is lying. In order to genuinely lie, I believe you need to recognise it IS a lie . . . . <br />
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The processes underlying all this are very complicated - if you want to look into them in more detail, please check out my story "Self Deception, Self Delusion and Self Denial".

Sorry, Z! Wouldn't wish it on anyone. I don't know if they do it consciously or subconsciously, but it's textbook passive aggressiveness and it's a vicious cycle that's alot harder on the rejectee than the rejector. He's having a marvelous time playing the martyr at present. He really deserves a prize.<br />
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OR to actually be martyred :)<br />
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In all seriousness, keep a short "this is what I said, this is what she said" journal for 3 months. It will be crystal clear to you.

One more word of caution. Just be ready for this - when and if you are able to compartmentalize your marriage into a roommate type thing, and you quit approaching him for sex, quit being vulnerable, start to get on with life, etc. JUST BE READY for him to suddently feign interest in you. That seems to be a thing with a majority of withholders. Mine does it all the time. He's doing it to me right now. The old me would've taken the 1 (ONE BONE FOR YOU) offer he made, enjoyed it, been grateful for it, then spent 3 months wondering why he wasn't making approaches, trying to approach him, spiraling down the same cycle. I am not telling you what to do, I'm just telling you that it's a manipulative game they play and they are always the victim so watch out for passive aggressive mind games.

Been there-that's why my son (6 years old) & I are on our own & much happier. I was you & I can comprehend what you're saying. <br />
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If he won't agree to face what's happening & change for the long haul, do you & your kids a favor: go. Raise them with a happy, fulfilled, sane mother who can show them that circumstances can be changed for the better & being a martyr doesn't mean extra points later in life.

We sex starved people cannot imagine sex ever being boring. To all of us sex is indeed quite the best thing in the world and excites us and satisfies us beyond all imagination. That's why we long to do it over and over again as many times as we can and in all manner of imaginable and unimaginable ways. Boring is only your husband's perception of sex, it certainly is not ours!

TB, you sound very much like another wise man I used to see around here ;-)<br />
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GingerJen is right, don't waste any more energy on him. It's not you, it's him. He can't tell the difference between "sex is boring" and "I am boring". This is not a problem with you, or the sex being boring or what you look like or being tired or anything else that comes out of his mouth. I sometimes think that they believe the lies they tell, but I'm not sure.<br />
Take the opportunity to prep yourself for "You, the sequel" and unlike the movies, it will be better than the original. <br />

Let me be the first to welcome you to the "club" and to say I'm sorry you have to be here. Your story is simliar to mine which is similar to many others, so at least you know you aren't alone. I, too, tried everything and I, too, got nowhere. I feel I have a roommate as well, not a husband. We were watching JFK the other night (the old Kevin Costner movie) and a male friend was over. There was a scene where Sissy Spacek's character is trying to beguile her husband into paying attention to her and my husband spoke up and said "she's acting like you (insert my name), a hussy!". I was so embarrassed. I just got up and left the room. It must have embarrassed our friend, too, because when I came back 5 minutes later, he was gone and my husband just didn't have a clue.<br />
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Stay involved in the things that make you happy and my advice to you would be to start treating your husband like a roommate. Be polite, be sociable, but do your own thing. Don't stay mad at him for rejecting you. Yes, he's a jerk, but he's not going to change and he doesn't have to. If your attempts and pleas haven't moved him so far, they never will.<br />
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I don't condone affairs. I understand them, I have had them. They make things worse. If you're going to get out, make a clean break and don'e involve another person and/or God forbid their spouse, kids etc. Make your plan, execute it, and move on with life. I see from your bio that you are young. Good luck!