Do Not Want To Live A Sexless Marriage

I have been married to my husband for six yrs, together for 11. Our sex life was fantastic in the begining, but as the yrs have gone on it is now down to zero. My husband is 61, I am 49. When I try to speak to him about sex he clams up completely not wanting to discuss the issue at all, but is only to quick for me to masteurbate him when it suits. He does not touch me intimately at all, which leaves me frustrated and used. Last night I jokingly said I will buy myself a vibrator/***** and his reaction to this: I thought you had passed this!!  when I asked what he meant by this he walked away. My needs have not been taken into consideration at all, I will not longer (service him) because that's how I now feel, and I am now unwittingly looking for someone who will take an interest in me sexually. I have become a companion at the age of 49, I did not marry a man to become celibat.

Joanne
martylauren martylauren
46-50
9 Responses Aug 4, 2010

Ask him for permission to find sexual gratification outside the marriage!!!!! Maybe a bit harsh? Try this first dress up in a nurse outfit and make him your slave for the evening. If he doesn't come to the party leave him. It is not good for your confidence. You are far too young for celibacy..........He sounds like a selfish ole fool, to have a young hot woman who's down for it! What is wrong with him? Maybe the huge age gap thing isn't such a good idea?????????

I also feel your frustration vintage67. I am a man in a similar situation in a very close to sexless marriage. The sex we have is rare, poor and I think I'm only allowed a bit to keep me happy !... yea right ! Regarding vibrators,.. I think they would be great to use as an extra toy in the bed not to mention to help yourself when in need. You need a passionate lover,.. and it obviously wont be your present man. I thought riduff's comment above was funny,.... and I bet I don't get lucky this weekend either. No lucky weekends for me. Best of luck at your end all of you.

Simple, tell him he needs to get it up or get out. Have him buy some viagra and it is a done deal.

I'll have a crack at his possible motivation(s) - not that the motivation in and of itself helps your situation in any material way at this point.<br />
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By my math he is 12 years older than you. He was your age now when you first got together, ie 49. You know what your drives ARE at 49, and you know what his drives WERE at 49. He is not 49 anymore.<br />
You know what his drives ARE at 61.<br />
They do drop off. Shouldn't / need not 'disappear' but they do drop off. <br />
<br />
Could be a bit of performance anxiety in play (it seems he is still sexually active on HIS terms from time to time).<br />
<br />
So, it seems 'possible' to me that this might be 'fixable' or at least 'bettered', IF he WANTS to.<br />
<br />
As I say, this doesn't help at all if he doesn't WANT to.<br />
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Good luck in your search for your answer to this awful problem.

If you read widely here you will discover that the sexlessness is not just about sex - it is about a raft of other things as well. It is about:<br />
<br />
* intimacy<br />
* passion<br />
* ardour<br />
* communication<br />
* caring for the other person<br />
* desire to please the other person<br />
* willingness to face problems<br />
* willingness to seek answers to problems<br />
* respect for the other spouse's viewpoint<br />
* recognising that it takes TWO to make a relationship work<br />
* recognising that when one spouse is unhappy, the MARRIAGE is unhappy<br />
* acknowledging that others have rights in a relationship<br />
* recognising that blaming the other partner because s/he wants something different is NOT OK<br />
<br />
. . . and many many more factors that spill over into other areas of the relationship. These may include:<br />
* selfishness<br />
* controlling behaviour<br />
* poor communication<br />
* blaming the other spouse<br />
* refusal to cooperate<br />
*** FAILURE TO TELL THE TRUTH or to honestly face up to the truth <br />
<br />
. . . and there is MORE!! Fill in your own experiences here!!<br />
<br />
This is why sexlessness is NOT just about sex. The sexlessness is a symptom of the many other aspects of the marriage that are not adequate or that are even toxic.<br />
<br />
Unless or until BOTH partners face these truths, there can be NO resolution of the issues.

Hello Everyone, I would ask how all of you are but ... I KNOW! FRUSTERATED! I too am married to a born again virgin. I am 43, female. Like alot of you things were cool for a few years, NOW! Maybe once a month. Apparently like everything else wrong in the marriage it's my fault. That is a load of crap! I am attractive,giving, loving lets not forget PATIENT. Not so much anymore though, this fight for affection has been a PROBLEM for ME for 5 LONG YEARS! I have stayed faithful although I am wondering " WHY? " Something tells me that he's NOT! I've done it all.... sexy clothes, lost weight, toned up, tried to be a better listener, begging. All of this has left me without anyway.....SOOOO..... WHAT EXACTLY IS THE POINT! There is NO payoff for acting like a desperate loser. I don't blame ANY of you for seeking affection outside of your marriages. I myself have been tempted & getting closer to pursuing my OWN happiness & satisfaction. He says he loves me......BUT! Does he LOVE me or is he IN LOVE with me. BIG difference. I've asked for a divorce numerous times out of desperation & rejection. Only for him to start with the guilt trips. ( the kids, I love you etc.....) Well, they are only words that have less & less meaning to me. I believe that I have become RELIABLE & CONVENIENT! Easier than looking for a replacement. I'm just not into it anymore. I'm really happy to know that I'm not the only one SUFFERING from lack of affection in their marriage.

Hello Everyone, I would ask how all of you are but ... I KNOW! FRUSTERATED! I too am married to a born again virgin. I am 43, female. Like alot of you things were cool for a few years, NOW! Maybe once a month. Apparently like everything else wrong in the marriage it's my fault. That is a load of crap! I am attractive,giving, loving lets not forget PATIENT. Not so much anymore though, this fight for affection has been a PROBLEM for ME for 5 LONG YEARS! I have stayed faithful although I am wondering " WHY? " Something tells me that he's NOT! I've done it all.... sexy clothes, lost weight, toned up, tried to be a better listener, begging. All of this has left me without anyway.....SOOOO..... WHAT EXACTLY IS THE POINT! There is NO payoff for acting like a desperate loser. I don't blame ANY of you for seeking affection outside of your marriages. I myself have been tempted & getting closer to pursuing my OWN happiness & satisfaction. He says he loves me......BUT! Does he LOVE me or is he IN LOVE with me. BIG difference. I've asked for a divorce numerous times out of desperation & rejection. Only for him to start with the guilt trips. ( the kids, I love you etc.....) Well, they are only words that have less & less meaning to me. I believe that I have become RELIABLE & CONVENIENT! Easier than looking for a replacement. I'm just not into it anymore. I'm really happy to know that I'm not the only one SUFFERING from lack of affection in their marriage.

Yeah, I guess that is how he feels too, irritated, that he did not "win" the war, only the battle for too long. I am not saying that I have any easy answer, cheating does not seem to be in my character, & it is not just the sex, I feel fairly certain I can get "some" somewhere, but it is the connection that I miss, if it was ever there. Whatever, I just do not want to sink back into the ambivalent marriage.<br />
I am so glad I found this site.

Hi, I am in a very similiar situation with the number of years together & married and the age differences as well. Everything in your story resonates strongly with mine. He was happy if I would "do him", but it was never reciprocal. I finally got tired of that, & just stopped, saying it's my turn next..well I have waited 5 years for my turn & it has not come. At the beginning of the end for us he was going off so fast that it was hardly worth my while, especially with his attitude of not caring if I was being pleased, so I shut down & I did buy myself a toy, left sex books laying around, encouraged hormone testing & whatever it takes, nothing. He told me that he thought we should be past that as well & marriages turn into companionship! Ha! I have tried so many hobbies on my own, physically pushing myself to extremes in order to work out what is in essence sexual frustration. I am a relatively attractive middle aged woman who has kept in great shape, better than women half my age. He pays me no mind. I was shaken out of my complacency earlier this year by an unexpected & un looked for flirtation on an internet game. We have never spoken, but the very fact that someone wanted to spend time with me chatting, made me feel wanted & made me want again. This person is not my answer, I know that, but he served a purpose and now I am 95% certain that I will end the marriage. There are no children involved. It is hard. I do not expect sex to be on the front burner but I expect that it should be on the stove. We are too young & so is he in my opinion to give up such a lovely part of life. Good luck to you. Let me know how you are doing.