Been married for almost 15 years. Shortly after the birth of my 1st child, sex went AWAY. (No I did not gain any weight) It was so slowly at first that I didn't really notice it. Then suddenly a month passed, then another. We had a 2nd child who was a total miracle because we only had sex that 1 time in months. When I asked why, he said he needed a romantic atmosphere etc. I bought books, toys, naughty lingerie, candles. I was willing to try it all. Of course nothing happened. (it's still lying unused in a drawer) We had sex maybe 1 time a month for another year. Then he started traveling internationally for work. His excuses now were "tired, jet lag, stress, not in mood." We'd go 2-3 months with nothing. Then a steady decline year after year. I initiate all the sex (10x's in the past 4 years) that we had. I'm rejected fairly harshly 99.9% of the time. And the sad part is I was grateful for each unsatisfying encounter!
I'm able to push it all down and pretend but it only last for so long and then it all comes out in an email or rant. He ingores pretty much everything and when he answers its essentially "that's the way it is." And he's always suprised! "What? I didn't know you were unhappy." It's like the no sex thing is a new issue each and every time!
Then we got into a routine. When he'd notice me getting to the boiling point, he would sometimes give me "shut up" sex. No foreplay or anything. Just 5 minutes of him closing his eyes until he was done. 6 months ago during our last "shut up" session, he looked at me like he was about to clean a public toilet. I cried throughout. Of course he didn't notice. At that point, I felt like I lost all control and played my last card. I told him that I was going to look outside the marriage to which he replied "I don't want to know about it." To tell you to truth, I was bluffing. I'm genetically cut to follow the rules. I just can't do it. So I told him (not like it mattered) "we shouldn't have sex anymore." He quickly agreed and has been happy ever since. It's just me sitting on the couch at 3 in the morning.
There is NO intimacy in the relationship. No kissing, no holding hands, barely any even casual touching at all. (his reply? "I didn't know you wanted to kiss etc.") When we're out together you can not tell that we are actually TOGETHER. I've been hit on by men with him standing RIGHT next to me. I'm dying of thirst and he's the ocean. When I look back, it's been me and only me whose tried to make anything better. The books, the research etc while he does NOTHING. He makes time for sports, movies, channel surfing and the most important, WORK but not the one thing that is making me so unhappy. I don't understand how a relationhip can go from touchy feely, sex a few times a week, to THIS. What happened?
madcat28 madcat28
8 Responses Aug 4, 2010

Madcat, I felt your pain for ten years until I finally realised earlier this year that I needed to be with someone who actually cared and respected my needs and desires. I remember agonizing over whether I should or shouldn't leave, what it would do to her, would things be better afterward, etc, etc. Then I reached a decision. As soon as I'd made the decision to leave everything became easier and it has kept getting easier since then. The hardest part is making the decision. <br />
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You DO deserve someone who loves you the way you need to be loved. You ARE capable of getting out if your current situation, and you WILL be able to find a man who can't keep his hands off you, is crazy about you, and gives you toe curling sex frequently. It's all out there for you once you decide YOU'RE WORTH MORE than the **** your current h is giving you. It is hard, but it gets easier. <br />
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All the best madcat, go get em tiger!

You will find that many of us can and do understand your pain and anguish. When dying of thirst, the ocean's salt water will not quench your thirst, seek fresh water instead. Be well.

Madcat... I feel your pain! You deserve more than 'shut up sex' and you know it -- that is not what a reciprocal loving relationship is about. He is not doing you any favors, instead your self esteem is taking a hit. That sucks! You've said in many ways your marriage lacks affection, caring and respect. And it seems to lack love. So feeling bad is natural. You cannot change him, so then it comes to what you are willing to do. Be good to yourself!

You seem to know what you want in a relationship - all the gooey wonderful connective things of which sex is a natural extension.<br />
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You also know that you are not being willingly offerred these things in your marriage.<br />
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You suspect that you are never going to be offerred these things willingly in your marriage. You are probably right - but you may feel compelled for another try, ot two, just to re-affirm what you already know. And that's ok. We all go at our own pace.<br />
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A relationship embodying what you want is out there in your future. But that's the future, not now.<br />
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You need to be preparing yourself to be the person you want to be. You CAN control that. You CAN'T control what your spouse does or doesnt do. The person you want to be might not want to be in a marriage such as yours. That will be a question only you can answer.<br />
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Tread your own path.

He is my wife. Sorry is all i can say.<br />
I went through a few years of trying to figure out why, in the end i found peace because i realised there is no point searching any more. After that its decision time.<br />
Good luck

Intimacy, passion, closeness, desire - where the hell did they go? Shame you too have to join the club, but glad that you found us. It's good to vent amongst people who understand.

Amen Z. You gave me a good chuckle, but I couldn't agree more!

Well that is the million dollar question: "What happened?" Who knows. Is it fixable? From what you described - my opinion is no. He is fine with you stepping out and happy with no sex from you.<br />
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My guess is that you do not want to leave due to kids, money, ....<br />
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So get your head together. Get over him - of course that is easier said than done. And find someone else. The sooner you can move on from him, the sooner you can be happy again.