Separate Lives

After my hysterectomy six years ago and unresolved issues, my  husband moved out of the bedroom and the intimacy between us became infrequent to sexless. My libdo increased after the surgery, so I would go in to him only to experience rejection.  A few times he would surrender, but he acted like it was such a chore.  My husband has never had a low libdo, or illiness.  Infact he is very athletic and outgoing, so I wondered if he was having an affair.  The signs were there: emails, texts, phone calls, etc...  The distance between us increased and the communication began to cease.  He claims he is not having and affair and I am blowing tthings out of proportion.  He claims he doesn't have a desire for sex.  I know that is not true because I have discovered his interest in **** in the last year.   I really love my husband but my therapist told me I am in denial about our relationship.  My husband has told me in the past he doesn't feel the way I do.  I told him if he is not in love with me and doesn't wish to be intimate with me that he should leave..  He replied, "I'm still here."   I keep hoping God will heal our marriage..  I don't believe in divorce and it's getting harder to avoid the temptation of desiring another man just to meet my needs emotionally and physically.  I have thought about an affair because I'm horny and my hormones are raging... I almost did the unthinkable..  God knows I don't want to commit adultery.  I don't know what to do about my needs.  I'm hoping I will find the support I need to bring me through. The first ten years were blissfull, but now I live with a room mate who communicates an average of 10 words or less a day.  I am just existing in my marriage which is slowly destroying me because I want to be married to my husband.  What we have is not a marrage...it's so confusing
nbeginning nbeginning
31-35
2 Responses Aug 5, 2010

I will apologise in advance lest this comes across harsher than it should.<br />
<br />
There seems a fair amount of evidence that your spouse is having an affair. I guess the jury is still out on that, but does it matter ? There seems to have been a total emotional disconnect between you - and THAT MATTERS.<br />
<br />
You love your spouse, bar some aspects of his behaviour - ie a level of secrecy, his trampling over your emotions and oblivion to your needs. These seem like pretty big deals to me, so at best you have a qualified love for him.<br />
<br />
I wouldn't be banking on divine intervention to 'fix' the marriage, the resolvement can only come by a concerted JOINT effort by the TWO of you.<br />
<br />
If you alone attempt to 'fix' it (and you probably have tried and will have another go or two yet) it is dead in the water. Your spouse, who has said in the past "he doesn't feel the way I do" will be the limiting factor in any fix. Potentially to a point where it ain't fixable.<br />
<br />
One of those marriages where you resolve it (which seems problematic at best) or you dissolve it.<br />
<br />
Good luck in this difficult journey you are starting.

I feel your pain and confusion. I so understand as a woman whose husband is not interested in sex. Try to give yourself the same compassion and love you would give another. Give yourself a break about how you feel .. the desire and the temptation. You are human, and living without touch/affection/sex leads us to consider things we would not otherwise.<br />
<br />
You said 10 years were bliss and then 6 since hysterectomy have been not so good. Is that right? What do you think is going on? Did your desire return recently or was it there all along? <br />
<br />
Marriage is by definition a partnership. Two people make a marriage and it takes both to make it work well. As you are processing your thoughts and trying to figure out what is right for you … read around on this site, there are many different stories. You will find you are not alone.