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Asexual Husband

*******Honey moon sex scarce, after honey moon once every month, then once every 3 months....2nd year of marriage haven't had sex in close to 6 months*****

it's 3 am ... i am sitting in the living room, thinking about what i am missing out on by being in this marriage. Our 2 year anniversary we went out for a double feature movie, the most we did was hold hands...

Let me rewind and tell you part of my story. I am a 28 year old naturalized American citizen of Middle-Eastern Christian Ethnic Background. i have no kids and is saddened by that.
i am multilingual and educated. i have confidence in myself and able to hold my ground in a discussion. He loved those things about me in the beginning. I am married to an American Caucasian guy, he's 32 years old and an artist. We have not had sex since April 2010.

He is also a very kind person, and loves my family and seems to be faithful to our marriage..... H e says that the reason that he doesn't like to have sex is his back, and then goes to the gym and works out like a maniac!! He's not abusive to me , although i think being in a sexless marriage like this is a form of emotional abuse, to make things worse he mentions that he checked out many books about having sex without straining his back.... i knew that this was another excuse, but things didn't add up in my head until recently, which made me feel even DUMBER...But I didn't realize that he was asexual until recently.

He's the only man i know that doesn't think about sex frequently, doesn't get aroused by things that your average guy gets aroused by. He would not even notice it. It hurts so bad.... i feel that something was broken in me, and instead there is this even person that took over my passionate/ fun/ humorous nature. i feel that i complement everyone around me and i have not been sincere about what is going on inside of me. i sometimes drive my car fast on the highway and scream so loud because i can't release this agony anywhere else.

He's my only sexual partner in my entire life, i was a "good girl" and waited for someone i knew i was going to be married to but that didn;t matter. i was in for a huge disappointment. what hurts even more is that i get asked about why we don't have kids if i want kids................? My mother asks me and i lie all the time , and i tell her it's our finances, he asked that we wait until 2011 to have kids...

Last year after our first anniversary i decided to lock up all my bridal lingerie ( i had about 30 pieces of different cute baby dolls and cute stuff to wear to impress him... He never missed it, never suggested i would slip something nice on, like nothing happened and it broke my heart)

As you have guessed ; Our only problem is sex...

We both have our college degrees and have crappy income. We met in 2005 and got married in 2008. While we were engaged he made up reasons on why he wouldn't touch me and push me away. i used to cry so hard and think that i am un-attractive, but the moment i go outside to the mall or something, sometimes guys would hit on me or ask me out.
he says he was sexually molested by his Dad when he was 5 years old... and that's why he doesn't want to initiate sex.
The strange part is that he wants kids and doesn't want me to cheat. This is where he becomes selfish, he doesn't want me to have a fling or any kind of a sexual affair with anyone. i am honestly not wanting to do anything with anyone because i feel that the passion in me is gone. i don't think i can ignite, light up for someone.

i am so tense all over my body, i feel way older... i feel like a burlap sack, lumpy, unattractive and almost inanimate.

I am not sure what to do?
What should i do???????
I love him (on a level above sex, i don't feel sexually attracted to him), at the same time i am suffering and he's not wanting to bother even discuss the issue.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?
pinkypromises pinkypromises 26-30 5 Responses Aug 5, 2010

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Hi Pinky. When I say 'You are not alone' I mean it in the most literal way. I never thought I'd find someone in EXACTLY the same situation as myself!

I too was a good girl, similar sexual status before and since marriage, had to face the same embarrassing 'Why no kids question' from my mother-in-law, no less!!! I forced the issue and had a child 3 years into the marriage and now, 14 years into the marriage, NOTHING has changed!

So when you ask, "In my shoes what would you do?"... I can tell you honestly because I HAVE been in your shoes and I answer with the wisdom of hindsight.... PLEASE LEAVE.

Yes, our husbands are asexual and understanding that means that we have to accept a sexless marriage. If you think that because your husband is a good guy who loves you and you love him so you can manage to live in a sexless marriage, it doesn't work that way. The rejection and frustration build up and each year you stay in the marriage makes it harder to leave.

I know the Asian predisposition is not to focus solely on the sexual aspect of a marriage but, to look at the other good things in it. You can fool yourself with this only for so long. The resentment will come gushing out later.

My advice to you is this...DO NOT HAVE A CHILD. Ideally, LEAVE. However, if you want to, you may want to go the counselling route. You never know... miracles do happen and H may change! Honestly, I don't hold out much hope of that.

I just don't want to see you where I am now ... with a child, rejected, frustrated, depressed and fighting to take back my dignity and belief in myself.

Hello pinky.

"If you were in my shoes what would you do?" is the question you pose.



Well, first I'd have an objective look at the facts.

- the sex was scarce at the start then got worse

- excuses are now the norm, tho they fly in the face of observable physical soundness

- he is selfish when it comes to other people paying you attention

- he has caused, or at least contributed to, your self esteem heading south

- You love him, he has many endearing qualities, among these are he does not physically abuse you, and glory be, he is even willing to try therapy.



From there, I think the way forward is pretty clear. I don't think you need me to draw a picture.



One bit of advice, having a kid at this point is only going to make a bad situation worse. Now as he is running the agenda and that isn't to happen until 2011, it ought not be a problem. Be wise to make sure it is NEVER a problem I think.



He certainly sounds like an ideal spouse to me !!!!!

Pinkey .. first I want to send you a HUG. This is painful, I know. We all contribute to messy marriages to some extent (it is what it is, marriages involve 2 people). With two loving, open and actively engaged partners, there may be a way to give life and passion to the marriage. If, your husband loves you so much then how does he cope with seeing your pain, your ache, your spiritual conflict? I see it, does he?



You see the truth and inevitability and are experiencing the pain that comes with it. You are not guilty .. you are wise and strong. There is no sin in being strong ... and there is no honor in being a martyr.

@Yemanya

your comment brought tears to my eyes, i am having a hard time seeing the keyboard.... excuse my spelling mistakes... your advice resonates with doing the appropriate thing, the right thing .. the hardest thing of all. i feel that he is living in my skin, part of my life. i know he loves me so much, he's said before that he's willing to try therapy ... i am guilty of deciding to stop trying in the goal of reaching more emotional equilibrium and control...

Does that make sense? I am not sure if i slightly contributed to this messy marriage?

Pinkey .. I'm sorry I have no promises for you. The story is heartbreaking, in part because it is the beginning of the story of a sexless marriage that gets worse, not better. When there is no desire to begin with, there is no desire to rekindle. My H is like yours, a good man. Yet, a good man does not make a good husband. Sexlessness is toxic to a marriage, and the poison seeps in over time.



My advice - do not have children with this man. Leave him, save yourself. You have much life to live .. with a man who loves you ... and children you can raise together in a loving home.