No Sex For 11 Years!

We've been married for 23 years and have two lovely boys. Since the youngest was born 11 years ago, we have not had sex. She says she doesn't want it and says it will never happen again. It's tearing me apart! The lack of love and intimacy between us has lead me to depend more and more on my on-line friends and I've become withdrawn and so depressed to the point of wanting to end my life at one point. Trying to discuss this with my wife is impossible. She will not discuss it at all. Some of my friends are women and she hates that. All of these people I have met in real life and one in particular has been a rock to me. I have confided in her and told her everything. Eventually, we became cyber lovers and my wife has found out. She was extremely angry and has called me a sick pervert! I know what I did was wrong, I'm not trying to excuse that, but should she really be surprised when I find a substitute for something that's been denied to me for so long? This is not just about sex; I feel unloved, rejected, useless and on the scrap heap at 50. I've tried and tried many times to fix this, but she is like a block of stone. If I try to hug her, there is either no response, or I'm pushed away.

I can't live the rest of my life like this, but I'm scared to be alone. She's not here at the moment: she's disappeared to her parents who live many miles away and taken the boys with her. I thought I wanted to fix this, but I fear that it's now been too long and too deep seated to be fixed. I'm at the end of my tether. No light at the end of the tunnel. Over the past few days of being alone, I have thought long and hard about this and feel so empty and numb. On the shelf at 50 :(
brushy100 brushy100
46-50, M
23 Responses Aug 5, 2010

23 years, 3 children... I am a 42 year old woman. Still very pretty, sexy, full of life etc... I have NEVER been desired by my husband. From the outside we are the perfect couple, perfect lives etc... From the inside, i have been the only one addressing the problem. The answer is always an excuse: "you are too fat, (i am a size 4) you are not nice to me, you are like this, you are like that etc... <br />
I have finally woken up and given up. My soul is numb. I have nowhere to go and i am afraid of blowing up the family, the children. So i keep my mouth shut. I have lost all hope and i no longer have faith in any relationship between a man and a woman. My heart has dried up. I take my deep pain as the ransom i have to pay for the other things that are going well in my life....

Brushy, it is sad for you both - but truly it is SO much better to acknowledge that it is over and move on. I wish you both a future of much greater happiness.<br />
<br />
Pkate, I faced a very similar situation - fearing (knowing!) my husband would be lonely for the rest of his life. . . . I still have guilty feelings about this. But, at the end of the day, you can only live YOUR life - your husband must take responsibility for his life. My dear ex IS lonely - and it saddens me greatly. But sacrificing my life for him was no longer an option. Think carefully about your own needs - read a lot here - and consider how you might proceed. . . . .

I am in the same situation. I am now 50 years old and my husband and I live as roommates.<br />
We have two kids and would hate the drama involved with leaving, plus, I would feel so much guilt leaving a man that would become lonely for the rest of his life. We sleep in seperate bedrooms and haven't had sex or even phsyical contact for 12 years now.<br />
I am so afraid I will never feel the love, warmth and safety of a man's arms ever again.

Wow, Brushy, that is great news! I hope that the transition goes as smoothly as possible for you. <br />
Better days are surely ahead of you! YAY!

Thanks again for all your support. My wife returned today and we have both said our piece and agreed that it's best for us to part. Neither of us wants any nastiness and it means I can move on with my life. I was quite surprised that we didn't even argue, although we both know that our marriage was over a long time ago. Time to move on. It feels like a great weight has been lifted from my mind.

What finally happened to you ? Did you set yourself free ?

I've been free for 19 months now and in a wonderful relationship with a loving woman. I've been through terrible depression and come through the other side :)

Brushy, you haven't done anything wrong - I honestly believe that. You were starved of affection, so you reached out and grabbed at some crumbs of cyber-sex. You didn't even do it for real. What a patient, good husband. What's she done lately to deserve this? Not much, except to enjoy watching you suffer. Maybe it's time - reach out and grab something better. xx

Update us Brushy! We are all looking forward to hearing how things went. Hopefully you have good news. But if not, that's okay. We are here for you either way!

Brushy, this is the problem in so many marriages, believe it or not there are men who will not provide sex for their wives placing women in the same group as you. What to do is only left up to you. I don't see where you did anything wrong, but I understand why it bothers you.<br />
<br />
The conscience mind is trained from a young age that a relationship is between two people, therefore the sex is limited between them. Unfortunately, people change as they grow older where some desire more sex and others want less. Divorce usually results.<br />
<br />
Perhaps this is why men had more than one wife in the old days. One to raise the children and feel safe while another desired the sexual part. I think if more people were open to truth, there are a lot of people who would have more than one spouse regardless if it is a man or a woman.<br />
<br />
People tend to stay together and destroy one another, when the answer would be as simple as not being jealous and be more understanding.

StarBelle, let me see if I got this straight.<br />
<br />
Eight years ago this man married you so he'd have someone to take care of him. Since then he has offered you no intimacy, not even consummating your marriage. He resists fixing your relationship. He has erotic conversations with other women, while ignoring you . . . . <br />
<br />
All the while you've been supporting him. And you plan to continue supporting him even after you move out.<br />
<br />
StarBelle, I don't see a big heart. I see small self-esteem. You let yourself be taken advantage of, and deny your feeling of inadequacy by describing it as a big heart..<br />
<br />
Some disabled people enjoy "secondary gain" -- they make a good thing out of their handicap, largely because they have someone like you. This guy's a manipulator, not a husband. He got himself someone who pays for the privilege of being his slave.<br />
<br />
Please don't give him a cent. Indeed, before you move out, see a divorce lawyer so you can protect your assets.

Brushy, I understand it has taken me almost four years to realize I can not live this life anymore... expect I am not married but living with a man that I have now come to understand manipulates the situation. I did give him a deadline to move out. You did nothing wrong with going online.. as many of us do... for we have no choice. However, I went as far as to find a lover and I Thank God has brought me back to life. It feels great to know that its not me but the person we are with that has the major problems.. read my story... and read others its amazing how many of us are in this kind of situation and I love the advice I am getting... I now do understand why many of us end up the way we do and it really isn't our choice. You are still young and your urges are real. For a while I really thought it was me... I knew I was not ugly but it sure felt like it... I can't say how many times I would cry myself to sleep feeling I must not be worthy but I soon discover its them.... I am now a nudist and have a great lover that has shown me the way to life... and I have discovered many new sexual desires I want to do.... you will too... its always hard in the beginning but I promise it does get better...

Good Luck Brushy upon her return. We'll be here for ya!

I feel your pain...i too was in a loveless, not to mention very abusive relationship....I am now almost 53, have <br />
a loving boyfriend, and am really happy...I just want to tell you, DON"T EVER GIVE UP!!! God wants us all to be happy!! ...and 50 feels pretty young to me now, as my mother is 81>>>lol

11 years??? dude... don't take it the wrong way, but you're insane.<br />
all you need - is to go work out in the gym for a few month, get yourself into shape.<br />
If she still doesn't want to ****, good old beat'n should do the job.<br />
(If you smack your palm on her head it doesn't leave any marks for police to id, <br />
while it definitely hurts like hell.)<br />
<br />
Depending on your State/Country/Culture you may feel inclined to use softer methods of reinforcement. I would recommend classic spray bottle with water. Whenever she thinks, says or does something wrong - spray her with water. Usually that is enough to annoy the hell out of a person. DON'T OVERDO!!!<br />
<br />
Under no condition should you forget about positive reinforcement as well. Little gifts, every now and then, or so, like a small chocolate bar, or a bunch of flowers. Something about a buck or two worth, just to show you care.<br />
<br />
Training your girlfriend, roommate, or any random girl you have to put up with is easy, once you get hang of it. Just like training a dog. But just like a dog, they might bite, or run away, or pee in your shoes (metaphorically speaking).<br />
<br />
Here, watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qy_mIEnnlF4

Thanks for all your replies, I'm overwhelmed, because I thought I was alone with this until I found you good people.<br />
<br />
You've all confirmed what I think I already knew: This can't go on, it's emotional abuse and I have to get out. She returns home after a week away in a few hours, so wish me luck.

@ Siandart - I have done that, and its just the faceless, worry free, and his ability to spin a yarn that sets him up as a younger, fitter, lotthario that makes him do what he do. We have talked about it, but if only one party sees a problem, then only one party can work on it.

Why not be one of his 'online friends' - discover what really makes him tick...?

ahhhh - and here I am another in "that boat".., except its 8 years now and we still have never consummated the marriage. I am 55.<br />
He talks about fixing it, but ill health plays a big part in the non fixing as does his ability to evade any medical help offered and suggested by his doctors. I have for the past 4 years known I am not his ideal woman and he married me because I had a bog heart and he knew I would look after him. (his own words)<br />
This week I told him I am leaving to find work elsewhere, and will support him but I cant live here any more.<br />
He is beating himself to death just now as the problem I am leaving etc, but the point here is... I am not feeling it - I am just not caring too much any more. I have been so lonely for company at times because his online friends were and are his life... he has wonderful erotic chats with women there, but not with me. Any interest would have been great ..., but its just not been so and I would lie in bed at night waiting while he chatted to women online. I began to lose my self esteem and wonder what was wrong with me.<br />
I am torn in some ways because he is disabled and needs someone to help him... but I think I need a life. I have been friends now with a lovely man who wants to love me... but cant because of my situation, hence my decision to change the situation and have some happiness.<br />
Bushy... I think you have done all you can in the waiting game, and obviously your wife feels if she doesnt want you why would anyone else? Well someone else just may be waiting ,,, go... say your piece and get a life!

It is worthy to note that in Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs, Sex ranks next to Oxygen.<br />
Brushy, i agree with the need for candid conversation. i also agree that you should be planning an exit strategy as well, simply because it doesn't seem as though your bride will care what you say. Even if you said plainly, "open up or i'm moving out", it looks like cold fish might be the best you get. <br />
What did you do that put you on the road to this dark place, and why are you still here? Not criticizing. Just asking. Your commitment is amazing. It seems like happiness is waiting just around the corner. Nothing is wrong with you for wanting better, you'd be wrong if you didn't. Consider this:<br />
<br />
"Free men recognize that they can’t change the world. and so they concentrate on the power they do have — which is enormous. They realize that they can choose not to be involved in situations that don’t suit them.<br />
So they look for situations that do suit them. And they discover far more opportunities for such situations than most people imagine exist." - Harry Browne<br />
<br />
Brushy, you are dying where you are my friend. It's time to leave what you can't change and find something that you can be happy with. There's always more to the story than we hear here, i get that. But at some point you gotta do right by yourself. There is a good chance you'll both be happier in the long run. <br />
Good luck Brushy. And if you do head out for new horizons ( I hope you do), be careful.

What are we all to do people? Maybe you hit the nail on the head smilingthruitall ???<br />
<br />
I've been thinking though, in a normal marriage, if a spouse slipped up like this, wouldn't the partner want to know what happened and try to fix it? I just don't see any effort at all. But then again, my heart really isn't into making it work now either.<br />
<br />
Maybe they just don't have to the guts to come out & say what would be hurtful so they slowly either kill our souls or force our hands into affairs or leaving, so we are the bad guys/gals?<br />
<br />
I had composed a very sweet letter to my internet friend that my husband discovered. His reaction was so understated. I would have stomped on that laptop had it be the other way around & marched us BOTH into therapy to see what was wrong. Nothing, nada, zip. I have been in therapy for most of this year! LOL! Guess I better check out the thread mentioned above A Little Direction Please...<br />
<br />
Good Luck to all of us & may we all find the happiness we seek.<br />
<br />
On another point..my husband likes to point out..is that life is what we make it...Well I do my best but Mr. Reliable that I keep in the drawer doesn't have hands or a mouth that I can kiss!!!!!!!<br />
OMG!

Your life is NOT over ! I am only 3 years behind you age-wise, and have found an incredible new love who I will treasure for the rest of my life. I spent years feeling like you, trying to talk to a brick wall and being fobbed off, before I realised that it would never change. You are ENTITLED to be happy. Feeling like your sex life is over is pretty much the most desloate feeling I have ever experienced. <br />
<br />
Finding out that it ISN'T over because you have moved on and found someone wonderful (it CAN happen !) will pretty much change you overnight from feeling 60 to feeling 20 again. Give yourself the chance. I would tell your wife that if she says your sex life is over, then as far as you are concerned the marriage is over too. <br />
<br />
You are NOT a pervert for seeking solace elsewhere...the need for sex is not a tap which can be turned off, it needs to be dealt with...it is central to your life as a human being, not that I hold out much hope that your wife will understand this.

You've found a group where we understand. Stick around and read lots of stories - and post more of yours if it helps. <br />
<br />
Several recent posts deal with the fear of leaving - check the forum for the thread "A little direction please "

Chances are you are feeling "unloved, rejected, useless" is because you are being treated as unloved, rejected, useless. That would be my tremendously insightful guess anyway.<br />
<br />
"She will not discuss it at all."<br />
As long as this intractable stance is adopted by her there is no hope whatsoever of the situation between the TWO of you improving.<br />
<br />
Only TWO people, working hard at it, can 'better' this position. Even then there is no guarantee of success.<br />
<br />
But there is a guarantee if ONE of the TWO people put in the most Herculean effort possible to fix it. That guarantee is that it cannot work.<br />
<br />
You are in a hard place brushy. You actually KNOW the above observations are pretty close to accurate.<br />
<br />
"but I'm scared to be alone" you note. It's true, but in reality, you are already alone within your marriage. Might be best to actually BE alone rather than FEEL alone. You can do something about BEING alone, you cant do much about FEELING alone.<br />
<br />
"I know what I did was wrong" you say. You KNOW nothing. What is wrong with escaping the fetid air of a dysfunctional marriage by getting a whiff of what might be possible in your nostrils ?? <br />
<br />
But, if she will not discuss this it can't be solved (same could apply if you have to drag her to the negotiating table as an unwilling participant).<br />
<br />
So brushy, on her return, you need to eyeball her, tell her what's on your mind, set a time fr<x>ame for her to respond. Whilst waiting for this response, you might as well start formulating an exit strategy from this co-habitation position you are in.<br />
<br />
Good luck. Tread your own path.

Could a separation possibly leave you more alone than you are within this marriage, Brushy100? Your story touched me very much... possibly because it describes so accurately where I was not that long ago. You've come to the right place though - you'll find more support here (and more honesty as well) than you could imagine. Good luck to you!