After Posting My Story Last Night....

There is an over whelming feeling of relief inside of me. There is so much strength, and fortification in being acknowledged by others, especially when it's a sensitive matter like a sexless marriage. it feels like someone got my back and part of the heavy secret is being lifted. If he won't believe that our marriage is sexless (Last sexual encounter was Fool's day 2010, was very brief and disappointing) , there are others out there (like this wonderful group) that know better, that are wiser and have gone through the similar routes a sexless marriage takes.

we may come to many different conclusions, answers, or settle for a situation that partially answers our needs. i feel empowered by knowing that i can connect with these different outcomes. The variety of experiences here is just amazing and while it carried cries of sadness and often agony, loss, disappointment over lost youth and opportunity; i would rather see it all coming, be prepared and face it, than it whopping me in the face....

Here is part of a reply to a wonderful marriage to all of you Ladies and Gentlemen out there who feel that they are wasting their youth in a sexless marriage. " you are NOT alone". Here goes:

i imagined i was all alone, weird, strange and almost punished to exist this way....

you don't know how thankful i am to have someone like you to talk to about this...

you hit the nail on the head by thinking about"wasting your youth". that is the hardest thing to think about. we don't have kids and he somehow wants kids!!! it gets even more confusing (and i brought this unto myself) i told him him i think you are asexual, and he got upset for a bit and then realized that there is some truth to that... From that point he has stopped even trying to do anything.

My situation is so strange as he tries to touch me, and then i will pause and see what happens from there, how far is he willing to take this and he stops or just cuddle like friends!!! talk about sending a mixed message... so i have decided not to let him touch me in any sexual way. because in addition to him being asexual , he's a tease, that loves turning me on and leaving.

I don't care for his touching, but what i care for is living with dignity. i try to have that in my life.

i think all the teasing / lame loving, it's a form of control, as he feels that he lost control over many things in life.... so he tries to subtly control me, i don't think he even knows it.

Thanks again and again for the words of encouragement. But i feel like it's my fault. I am sure at least partially it is... (He was in a couple of relationships before me and says that he often times worried that it was all about sex and that this why he's trying to make ours not be like that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a weird logic. We are married, sex is part of that Duh !)

Here is where i went wrong: (i feel so guilty about this, if i had a time machine this is where i would have walked away from him fixing all of the bad future/past)

when we were dating, 2 weeks into it, i was trying to kiss him and he pushed me away anticipating what this might have led too.

All sorts of RED FLAGS went up in my head. i felt like i wanted to run as far as i can from the first guy in my ENTIRE life to reject me. My exes used to beg me to touch them, and i had so much self control and i would say no.
i am sure their abusive selves are so happy if they were to see me being rejected on daily bases, and with my head down. My head wayyyy down, not knowing who to go to, what to do, childless, foreign with no best friends to walk with me through this. All my friends are happily married over seas, i can't just call them up and say "Hey, i just wanted to let you know that i haven't gotten laid in a while...!!!" (Sorry i have a weird sense of humor). I think the nature/privacy of such matters make it so hard to talk about especially with others who are not going through the same thing.

As far as making friends that are true, honest and real is very hard to meet any, and when you are living in ohio, people tend to emphasize that you are from a different place, and often have a hard time removing the "exotic " factor and seeing the true human under. Everyone is too busy with their individualistic needs and life it sooo fast that people pass each other without noticing that there might be something to the way this or that person is handling themselves.

No body wants to be down, or depressed, we just get that way from hardships we face. Things are very different as i grew up in a more collective Christian society ( a looked down upon minority with little freedom of speech) But over there people cared a slight bit more about others than being on time, or such....Things are so lax and slow where i come from, and the pace here sometimes messes things up. You feel like you are running a marathon, with night or sleeping time as a break in between; just to wake up and do more of the same, running! People don't seem like they have time for each other anymore... and the ones who do are considered softees or whatever lame name people label them with...(I apologize for going off on a tangent, but it's a blog right?)

The point is from this long winded blog, is that being an immigrant means you have left behind a well built network of people you grew up with. Friends that one grows up with always seem to have a stronger connection with us...but the feeling of isolation comes from the societal expectations all around us, the movies have sex, the neighbors are having sex, people lust for each other on the street, teenagers hugging and holding hands...etc. We are and i am too surrounded by the illusion of sexual satisfaction, only to go home and face more rejection from a partner that i love, but not sexually attracted to.
I feel sometimes we are set up to fail by the media and everything else. May be my expectations are so high, but all this bombardment leads to a strong feeling of isolation, shame, guilt. I feel that i can't look someone in the eye and tell him/her " i am in a sexless marriage... save me !". i just can't get myself to do that. No matter how much i trust the person. I promise i will try to get it off my chest, because if one realizes that there is a problem, it's the first step to solve the problem.

i don't think that anyone in a sexless marriage can come to satisfaction with the situation. That's the painful part. This issue will always come back to haunt you, in your dreams at night, in the heaviness of your chest as you breathe regrets...

Thank you so very much for putting up with my ranting. I hope you find a solution for your sexless marriage. God Bless !
pinkypromises pinkypromises
26-30
3 Responses Aug 5, 2010

You are currently in that most painful of times when you are working your way towards a solution. It is not easy - and it cannot be hurried. I do sincerely encourage you to use ILIASM as your "community". Here you will find those who truly understand your plight - and if you read widely (which I also encourage) you will gain many insights into your current situation.<br />
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The lack of real friends and the distance from your home community; the isolating experience of growing up in a very different dynamic, coupled with a marriage that is dysfunctional - all these are truly very difficuilt things to bear. Give yourself credit for coping so well! Don't run yourself down - be proud of yourself for continuing to cope in the face of so much adversity.<br />
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Please don't be so harsh on yourself about the "red flags". Many of us saw AND ignored "red flags"! Like you, I had never encountered a man who was NOT into sex, so I too misunderstood my dear ex-husband's reluctance. I thought he was shy and inexperienced (and yes, he was!) and that my greater level of sexual experience coupled with my love and passion for him, would bring about an awakening in him and he would desire a sexual relationship as much as I did . . . WRONG!!!!<br />
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Your husband and mine are almost certainly asexual. Have you checked out the EP experience "I am asexual"? (Just type it into the Search facility at the top of the page and it will come up for you.) Asexuals feel the way we do about sex - just in the opposite sense! I mean:<br />
We cannot live WITHOUT sex and they cannot live WITH sex.<br />
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This is the most basic of differences - and one that no amount of good will (or prayer, or efforts, or candles, or lingerie, or . . . . enter your own words here!!) can change.<br />
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Please do NOT have unprotected sex with him and fall pregnant. This would complicate your life in the worst way. And please consider that you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You only get ONE life - choose to live it to the full.

ahhh,,, to go out have some fun maybee dinner some great wine wonderful conversation,, get a little typsy,, go home and make wonderful love,,, huh,, dam i cant even remember ,, and my longing just depresses me,, **** !!

The lack of support you feel in a strange land DOES exacerbate the situation (understanding fellow immigrant!). <br />
Now that you realise there are more people sharing the same experience, read their stories and spend time thinking about your options. <br />
The mistakes you made ignoring red flags is not the end of the line. You needn't make more mistakes or continue to waste your youth.<br />
You have the opportunity to reassess your situation and take affirmative action.<br />
Good luck and don't hesitate to reach out here. We are non-judgmental and only want to help and support.<br />
MaxV posted about another article on this website but, I think the following link will be useful reading for you.<br />
http://open.salon.com/blog/and_yet/2009/08/22/to_the_young_people_who_write_me_about_sexless_relationships