I Have A Husband And A Boyfriend

 My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 3. For the first 7 yrs or so we had the best relationship with lots of intimacy. Couldn't be better. We got married three years ago and decided to try having a baby. I started to notice that if we were going to have sex it would be me to initiate it. I would not only initiate it but I had to do all of the work. It was weird. We talked about it but he said he was just tired. We didn't get pregnant so I decided to get back on the pill and stop trying. When I stopped trying it stopped all together. We haven't had sex for almost three years. I told my husband that sex was and is very important to me in a relationship and I feel like I didn't get what I bought. I also told him that I was going to end up getting it from somewhere if he didn't give it to me. I was half joking at the time but it happened. I met a coworker at a new job and we hit it off right away. Not only was his personality perfect for mine, he and I have the most wonderful sex! He is married as well and hasn't been having the best sex life either so we meshed completely. We fell in love and are still in a "relationship". My husband doesn't suspect a thing because our relationship was already at roommate status so there would be no reason for him to suspect anything. My boyfriend and I know that this can't go on forever but neither one of us sees a reason to stop right now. I'm not sure what to do at this point or if I need to do anything. I'm happy, my husband seems happy. Comments?
emjay77 emjay77
12 Responses Aug 5, 2010

End both relationships now. This is a no brainer regarding your husband. Your marriage was just a bait and switch with the goal of breeding you.

Your lover is not going to leave his wife. It is no surprise you have fallen in love with him. He is meeting very deep needs that have gone unmet for a very long time. It feels good now, but there will come a time when sneaking in time with him when you can arrange it in secret will no longer satisfy you. And he will always be just out of reach. This will break your heart in a million pieces. You can't tell him to leave his wife either, for he will forever resent you handing him an ultimatum.

Both these relationships can only end in heartache.

Add a response...

The truth is most of the married couples we know are like this- no longer having sex and the wife has a lover or two who meets her sexual needs. This is the new normal with a lot of couples. A lot of men lose interest in sex when they get older, and if you are otherwise compatible its no reason to get a divorce. Just appreciate your husband for his good qualities and your boyfriend for his good qualities.

I know this is way old. I had to comment on it because I'm going through this right now. The only difference is I have a 16 month old son. Me and my husband have turned into roommates no sex no physical contact at all. I met someone at work and we have great chemistry. We have been intimate 2 times already and I'm really falling for him. I don't know what I should do. :/

My wife has a bf, no dishonesty about it. Message me if u like.

Most importantly, don't let the kids suspect anything. If they are ever around him, he's just a friend and no holding hands,kissing etc. Of course I'm just giving my opinion and I'm sure it goes without saying. I have the same thing going on except my husband doesn't know. I broke up with him but financially we have to still live together. He doesn't know about my boyfriend because he would blow a gasket and I would really be scared of what he would do out of spite or hurt you know. Life is too short to not be happy!!!

I see no harm in getting what you need from another source.

I really appreciate the feedback. This lifestyle is very exhausting. I know it is wrong morally but when that guilt arises I push it back down using excuses that my husband cheated on me in the beginning. Somehow it all goes away. When I met my husband we had a very healthy sexual relationship even though he traveled a lot for work. The part that kills me is that I knew he cheated on me here and there because he didn't really try to hide it and I NEVER even thought about cheating on him. Not me because I wasn't a cheater! Once a cheater always a cheater is what I always thought. When I met my coworker it was NOT easy deciding to take that step to be intimate. I was physically sick trying to make that decision. Once it happened it got easier and easier..... I would hate for people to know and think bad things about me because I don't feel like I am a bad person because of it. This is all so hard to explain if you have never been in this position. Like my bf tells me, "No one else understands what we are going through". Anyway, I guess I am just here to vent and try to get a little understanding through others experiences. I don't have anyone else to talk to.

I am curious to know how things turned out emjay77, i am in a similar position as you (good husband but sex life fizzled, now i have a boyfriend too) except we have 3 young kids (my husband & I). My husband found out, and wants to fix it, but I don't know if it's just going to be fixed temporarily and then go back to room-mate status. Is it worth staying married?

if you feel guilty about it, it may mean you might have to get honest with yourself and the relationships you're in - feeling guilty is another burden altogether

Why fix something that isn't broken? You're all "HAPPY" currently. Enjoy the ride. When the issues start popping up deal with them then!<br />
On the other hand, as @bazaar said, you wouldn't be here if all was OK. So, what is worrying you? You need to think about that first.

If it works for you for now .. great. I'd just point out that all is likely not as hidden as you'd like to believe. Even though you may leave the house and return at the same time, your husband probably does notice a change in you (he may not talk about it, but doesn't mean he is totally unaware). And, more importantly, what about you. Keeping multiple lives in play simultaneously, but one part secretively, drains energy ... I understand why you do it, finding love and affection, and it probably offers some healing. Just doesn't seem like a good or sustainable long-term arrangement.

After 19 years of no sex and no love from my wife and "roommate" status, I am going through a divorce. In my opinion, there are only two reasons for a spouse withholding sex: 1) mental / emotional problems, and 2) hatred towards the other. Counseling is a waste of time and money. Withholding sex is a violation of the marriage promise "to love, honor, cherish . . ." It is also a violation of 1 Cor. 7:3-5.<br />
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A spouse who is in the "denier" category should be promptly divorced. I have found a wonderful woman who is loving, caring, and enjoys sex and knows how to please a man. Everyone has asked me why I waited so long.<br />
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I suspect there has never been a case of a "denier" turning into a loving spouse! So, dump him or her! And, start a new life with someone else!

Questions for yourself:<br />
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Why are you still in the marriage, if you don't have children and have moved on to roommate status? Do you still love him? <br />
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Have you ever tried to breakthrough and find out what shifted to cause such a dramatic shift in a previously sexually dynamic relationship? Even if you don't stay together, it would be useful to understand what happened in your relationship, so you can see any role you played in it and not bring those issues into the next relationship.<br />
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Affairs are intoxicating...revitalizing...and addictive...until they aren't. I have had them (not with my current husband), so I am not judging at all. <br />
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By all means, follow your heart and intuition...but you must first be ready to be very honest with yourself and take some time and space to make your decisions from an honest place. That is the crux of it. If you are truly honest with yourself, you won't go wrong. Rationalization and procrastination will not lead you to this place.<br />
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Good luck!

Well, YOU are happy, SPOUSE is happy, LOVER is happy. Where is the problem ? <br />
I pose this rhetorical question to you to challenge your thinking as I suspect that none of the 3 parties in this dynamic are 'happy' at all in fact.<br />
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If YOU were happy you wouldn't be here, and you wouldn't be raising a question.<br />
Your SPOUSE may be happy - though he might not be if he knew the circumstances have changed - from a position of ignorance.<br />
LOVER is happy - but probably only when he is with you, and is miserable when he gets home.<br />
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Pleeease understand, I am not judging you - if it works, it works. That's all any solution has to do in a given circumstance.<br />
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But circumstances change. LOVERS wifes find out things. Husbands find out things. Impregnations of women happen. All sorts of things happen and the circumstances change. And a new solution is needed.<br />
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Seems to me this has the potential to be a major **** up. And it needn't be.<br />
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Tread your own path, and good luck on the journey.