Sexless Marriage For 7 Years And Suffering In Silence!

I have been in a sexless marriage for 7 years now. My husband/roommate and I have been together for 14 years.  We have 4 children, aging from 17 to 25 yrs. old. and 7 grandchildren.  We are relatively "young" for grandparents. My husband is 42 and I am 44.
I don't know how it happened or why it happened or why it is continuing, but the one thing I do know is that my patience is running out in this sexless marriage..  I love my husband with all my heart and soul and I just can't imagine not having him in my life.  We used to be so connected on all levels and I guess that's why I haven't left yet...I am holding onto the hope that we will once again, someday, be connected like that again.
I guess it's no coincidence that our sex life disappeared after I started gainging weight, right after I had surgery (hysterectomy).  I used to be fanatical about gaining weight to almost the point of being an anorexic.  I used to weigh 120 lbs. and I wasn't too bad on the eyes either lol.  Now I weigh about 175 lbs. and I so hate myself for it.  I have tried so many diets and excercises that I get exhausted just thinking about them all. 
I realize that the longer you are married  to someone that some change is to be expected. But I didn't think that intimacy and sex was to be thrown out altogether.
My husband and I used to go everywhere together.  We used to have deep discussions about our feelings and he used to be genuinly concerned and interested in how my day went and how I was feeling.  ALL of that is gone.  I live with someone who is more interested in going to work and hanging out with anyone else who isn't me.  I think the worst feeling in the world is the feeling of being totally alone in a house full of people.
I must admit that I haven't talked to my husband yet to see why we haven't had sex.  It's like this "thing" hanging between us and we both know it but neither of us will talk about it. We no longer sleep together either. I sleep in the livingroom on the couch and he sleeps in the bedroom.  It used to be reversed... he used to sleep in the livingroom and I  was upstairs. Then I started sleeping downstairs with him, just to be near him, then he started going up to the bed.  It's been like that for the past 3 years.  But now I barely sleep at night.  I am up all night and get little naps in during the day.
I also must admit that I think he is or has had an affair.  Even when things between us were good, I caught him calling phone-sex lines.  Maybe I wasn't as good as I thought I was, for him, or maybe I didn't give in as much as he wanted.
I am so frustrated that I feel that I am just babbling and not saying what I need to say or what needs to be said.  I just need help.  I am so afraid that if we do start talking about this, that I might hear something I don't want to.  Maybe this is his way of trying to wear me down so I will be the one that calls it quits and files for divorce and he can be the "victim" of this marriage.  I don't know.
If anyone has any advice as to what I can do, besides the obvious ( talking, losing weight, etc....)  Maybe I just need to vent a little on here. 
I know this may sound bad, but I do find it comforting that there are other people out in the world who are going through the same thing as I am.
I apologize for the babbling and if some of this doesn't make sense or if there are any questions about what I wrote, please feel free to ask. 
I no longer want to suffer in silence...

FatalBeauty123 FatalBeauty123
41-45, F
4 Responses Aug 6, 2010

Fatalbeauty,<br />
I know how you feel, you are not alone. I am in a similar situation, and I received a lot of advice (my writing is called, Do You Remember Me?) The advice I received, while good, was hard for me to take. For, I still love my husband. However, the advice that you received from rosedl was great. Even though it was meant for your situation, I think that I am going to take heed of that as well. Please write more if you need to vent...

I would recommend that you see an individual counselor to help you work out your feeling around what is happening in this marriage.<br />
<br />
Also - google the word co-dependent and read everything you can about it. I am a recovering co-dependent and a lot of what you describe sounds very familiar to how I used to react to my husband's rejection and refusal.<br />
<br />
Work on yourself and when you get to the place where you are ready to confront him and the issues with your marriage, do it from a place of strength and value for yourself. Neediness and demands only drive the refusers away. Learning to turn to yourself to meet your needs is very difficult, but it is incredibly empowering and it will allow you to make choices about the type of relationship that YOU need and deserve.<br />
<br />
Good luck!

Hi FatalBeauty,<br />
<br />
I'm really sorry about the current state of your marriage. I can tell from your story that you're in a state, so please accept the cyber-hugs I'm sending your way.<br />
<br />
It's really sad that you gained weight after your hysterectomy but it's not your fault. I've just Googled "hysterectomy weight", and after sifting through the medical advertising bull, found a bunch of reports from women saying that they have gained weight after having the surgery. I found a survey on Ask where 81% of respondents said they had experienced weight gain post-hysterectomy, so it's NOT your fault.<br />
<br />
Your husband avoiding sleeping in the same bed/room as you is NOT OK. The fact that he started sleeping on the couch, and then moved back to the bedroom when you moved to the couch to be near him is a serious sign of trouble. Did you ever ask him why he doesn't want to sleep near you anymore? This is emotional abuse and you do not deserve it.<br />
<br />
The combination of your low self image and your husbands abuse must have you feeling really low. I think you may benefit from seeing a therapist to help you get your feet back under you. Once you are in a stronger place mentally and emotionally, you will be able to face the challenges in your marriage head-on.<br />
<br />
I really hope you can find your way through this mess. We're all here for you.

Here Fatal, you babble if you want. You vent. You ask questions. You are welcome.<br />
<br />
You have a lot of questions (reasonable ones too) but you aren't going to get answers to them all all at once - some of them you might never get answered.<br />
<br />
Maybe you are, at this stage, thinking "it's me / it's something I did / it's something I didn't do". So I'll have a crack at that one.<br />
Once, you wanted sex, he wanted sex, so you had sex.<br />
Now, you want sex, he doesn't appear to want sex, so you don't have sex.<br />
<br />
Pick the constant out of that. You.<br />
Pick the variable out of that. Him.<br />
<br />
From the get go PLEEEAASE, don't take the load for this. It is not your fault. Sure you might be a contributor in some way to the matter, but your outlook on the desirability of sex has remained.<br />
This is a problem for "US" ie him, and you.<br />
<br />
And the only solution to it has to come from "US"<br />
<br />
I won't go any further than this at this early stage of your journey. But get the idea that "it's your fault" out of your head. You can't have caused it all by yourself. If you had that sort of power you would be able to fix it by yourself" And you can't fix it by yourself.<br />
<br />
This is a time for you to sort out your thoughts. Try and not cloud your thinking with unreasonable demands on yourself that it's all down to you. It isn't.<br />
<br />
If you rememer nothing else I have offered, try to remember that.<br />
<br />
Your journey is about to start.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.