The Day Hope Died

We went for our 5th counselling session today. The results of our psychological profiling were in.
No surprises there for me.
H is in denial or lying about the relationship. I agree with the denial...DEEP DENIAL.
I was identified as the Pursuer and H was withdrawing. Again, no surprises there.
It was later in the session that the bombshells fell.
I saw how controlling my H actually was and I guess he has deep seated control issues. I never realised that till today. 
H finally became honest and heatedly claimed that since he had fathered 2 children, there was NOTHING wrong with him sexually. TV and books portray skewed ideas of sex and he feels no need to get himself checked or anything because he is fine.
This is the man who has told me he'd be happy if I accepted that we would have NO sex FOREVER after in my marriage. (Yes and I still stupidly believed that counselling would work.)
Anyway, at that point, a part of me died  - I think it was my hopes and dreams. 
I thought it would be devastating but, yes, I was mildly weepy but, there's a deep resignation that has set in. This 'marriage' is NEVER going to work! 
Yes, I said it and am in the process of accepting it. 
I still have a son to think about and during the session, H 'lovingly' mentioned that I need to take holidays alone more often (my vacations are usually with my son and sans H). 
Well, I have decided to take this as 'carte blanche'. I will take vacations without him..but, not ALONE!!!! 
For the rest, it's one day at a time!
eternalhope eternalhope
41-45, F
11 Responses Aug 6, 2010

Your story could be my story only opposite gender.. As you have found out, the denying spouse is usually a real controlling person. Sorry you have to go through this and at the same time I am glad you are where you are at now as now you can move on with life and not be so miserable. <br />
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As the old saying goes, sex is 10% of a marriage when it is there but 90% of the marriage when it is not there. <br />
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As you move on the worst part of the divorce, at least for me, is the loss of the future dreams and expectations. Yes, the Christmas's at home, vacations, growing old together, sharing experiences with your children, etc. All gone with the divorce and then you start making a new future. With this future, at least you are happier!!! <br />
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Good luck as you wrestle with your decisions you are about to (or have) made.<br />
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EH,<br />
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All I can say is keep smiling you never know what or who is around the corner and that the Southwest of England is lovely in the Autumn time.

Reminds me of a line from a Bangles song: "We work it out like business<br /> wont work anymore"

@ bigeight - yes, my counselling is also skirting around the sex issue.. it's all emotional intimacy BS. I just wish I had your courage to leave now but...<br />
@ hanna - seems like we married the same guy. The latest is that, I am the one over-emphasising the issue and since HE has NO problem with sex, it has to be me (sex-crazed perv... that's me)!!!!<br />
@redshoes - I can very logically argue both sides of the divorce issue for kids but finally, it comes down to, what decision can I live with! I have seen too many boys from single-parent households having issues later. This is of course, just my personal experience but, it shapes my thinking. I have put up with this crap for 14 years... I can do this for another 6 for my son. Mine is not a toxic marriage, just a non-marriage!<br />
@yummy - Thank you.

You are so brave! I wish I had the strength you have! Good luck with everything!x

I heard the Doctor Phil guy say "its better for a child to come from a broken home, than be in one". I so agree with that statement and a lot of us can use the children as an excuse to stay....i would say DONT...find the love and lover that you deserve lady.....blessings xx

I was married to a hubby who tried to convince me that I should be grateful to be married to a man who provides for his family and puts food on the table (as if he was the only one doing that). But my gratitude was lacking cause I was asking for such a "silly" thing like intimacy and love making. Needless to say that situation is few years behind me and I do not regret it one bit. Trust me, few years from now you will feel lucky you are out of the situation even though it doesn't seem like that at the moment.

Well, that pretty much does it. He has to see the problem and be willing to do something about it.<br />
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I am not surprised that you were not quite as devastated as you thought you might be. There is something very liberating in accepting the situation as it is...rather then what you are forever hoping it to be.<br />
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Now, you are faced with what you will do with this new understanding. Stay, leave? Open marriage? <br />
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I am happy for you that you have moved forward to a happier life. Even if therapy doesn't turn out the way we hope, it is a HUGE success just going and stopping the cycle of denial and pushing and pulling and all the rest. It took me years to FORCE the therapy issue, and even though I am not sure where we will land, it feels better to know that I am NOT going back to where I was before.<br />
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Good luck!

Vector and Eagle - yes, this is liberating. I'm no longer holding on to a lie. <br />
When the counsellor talked about more communication and how I shouldn't shut myself off, I just nodded... I'm just playing a game now. I don't love my H, I need him for my son... so, I'll do what I have to for that! The rest... que sera sera<br />
This marriage is so riddled with lies on both sides that I don't even know what a true marriage is anymore.

Stay strong! This is a brutally hard brick wall to run into, but now that you know what you know, you can choose to allow this to provide you with the freedom to think outside of your recent situation - Know you are not alone in dealing with this madness, and good luck!

I view this as liberating - don't beat yourself up. It's only clarified what you already thought. I would welcome this type of clarity - no matter how hard it is to swallow.<br />
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Sky's the limit now. No one holding you back. You are no longer duped and lied to to keep you in check. Assume everything and anything that comes out of his mouth now is nothing more than a lie. It will keep you level-headed.