Process Starts Tonight

OK, first post here....

My marriage is good in every way except the sex (OK, "every way" is a big claim....but things are good). We've been married for 6 years and have 2 young children. Sex was good before marriage and in the first couple of years of marriage (no surprise). Over the past 4 years....not so good. Right now, I'd guess we have sex once a month....always me initiating (unless it's my birthday or father's day!).

Our relationship is good. We have disagreements, but we don't fight. We do things together. We travel together. Kids have made life much more hectic, but we're enjoying being parents and are managing things pretty well, I think. We both work and make a comfortable living. We don't argue over finances.

We've talked about it, and intellectually she understands why more sex is healthy for our relationship. I'm not talking lots and lots. I'd be thrilled with once or twice a week. She says she just doesn't have "the fire". She also says that going to bed so tired doesn't help (and I do understand that). Her wind down (even as a kid) is to read before bed. So she jumps in bed and starts reading. It's so routine for her to grab a book that it is automatic. Makes it tough to chat.

I hate trying to initiate knowing that she isn't into it. I'd love to have a playful sexual relationship with variety. Date nights with a romantic build-ups. Sneak off for a quickie when the kids nap. We talk about it every couple of months and talk about how we want to make an effort, but quickly that becomes me initiating and her either rejecting or clearly not being into it.

She did have a bad experience as a teenager that I think still really effects her sexuality.

Anyway, I've started adding "Pillow Talk" in our calendar a couple times a week. Tonight is the second one. I want to use the time to talk about it and see if we can come up with some ideas of how to work on it.
tothenose tothenose
36-40, M
6 Responses Aug 6, 2010

If your wife has issues from her past than SHE must deal with them with you by her side. May be hard to work through so she can learn to trust again but with the support of a loving spouse & maybe a professional therapist maybe she can? I dunno, but I am rooting for ya! Your story so resembles a dear friend of mine, so your success is his. Keep the faith. Just don't let her put this on the back burner, as before you know it another couple of months another couple of years & then some fly by........& we do not want you to be a card carrying member of this tribe!!

Thanks all. btw...bazzar is right if you look at the formal definition (which psychologists love) of a sexless marriage--10 times a year or less. So ya, once a month doesn't formally qualify. <br />
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But ya, looking to spark reciprocation (and mutual enjoyment) first, hopefully that will lead to increased frequency without forcing it. Definitely going to hit this one head on to prevent it from sneaking into other aspects of the marriage. The good news is once we start talking about it, she's pretty open to the discussion (good first step).

Fair point kona. I withdraw that comment about "eligibility" here and now lest we head off down a path thats irrelevant to yothenose's issue.

Bazz - I usually agree with most of your posts but this time I have to disagree - whether or not once-a-month sex qualifies as sexlessness isn't the issue. The problem is that this monthly tryst isn't satisfying for him because his wife isn't into it and won't initiate - we all are familiar with the hurt and pain that pity sex/no sex causes and can empathize with his plight. I do agree with you that the OP needs to be direct about getting this on the table and ensuring that his wife become an active participant in resolving this.<br />
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tothenose - good luck; I hope your efforts are successful. Just keep in mind that you need a partner and although everything else in the marriage is "good", the sexless dynamics have a way of creeping into every other facet of the relationship. Continue to read and share here.

My mood is not great at the moment which might color my thinking. But getting sex once a month doesn't quite fit the ILIASM criteria - IMHO I should add.<br />
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None the less, given some time you might become a card carrying member. Lets hope not.<br />
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You may be in a position to head this off before it runs off the road.<br />
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Any issue in a marriage involves 2 (TWO) people. Any solution, or 'betterment' of a problem can only come from 2 (TWO) people bringing everything they've got to the table.<br />
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1 (ONE) party cannot successfully do the work for 2 (TWO).<br />
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Get it on the table ASAP. Head it off while it's "a bit of a problem" before it becomes a BIG problem. If it gets too entrenched, it is likely to be a deal breaker - with plenty of tumult and chaos during the process.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Welcome. I am new here myself both to this group & EP. I have found the folks here to be friendly, open & wise & some quite humorous..! I can offer no advise but to encourage you to read the stories posted here, I have found some of them to be inspiring & I take comfort knowing that tho' my situation differs from yours, we are not alone! Good Luck!