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Do You Remember Me?

I have been married for almost sixteen  years, and I have one child -- a teenager.  A few years ago, my husband left our home, for, he was "tired of me."  He left for six months, and then returned.  He slept on the couch for a few months, coming home late at night, not calling, much less talking to me...he just did his own thing.  After a while, we began talking a lot, and doing things together with our teenager.  My husband returned to our bedroom, where he sleeps on the edge of the bed.  He gets upset if I touch him, kiss him goodnight, etc..He has told me that I am behaving "like a guy."   I was very hurt by that remark.  This has been going on for years -- he says "goodnight" and I say "goodnight" and that is it until morning.  If I leave for work first, I will kiss him goodbye, but it is like kissing a rock -- there is no response.  I am lonely, hurt, and I feel like I am a horrible person because I want to be intimate with my husband, but he is "not sure" he wants to be intimate with me.  I love my husband, Ihave apologized for anything that I might have done, I have forgiven him for his behavior (leaving, etc.), but I still get no emotional response/connection.  Any advice?
Diva50 Diva50 46-50, F 14 Responses Aug 6, 2010

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Let me tell you a secret. He does not want you any more. Speaking from a 19 year experience, it is over and have been for quite sometime now. I just left my two children father after suffering for 19 years, which is half of my life! Sweety get out while you still have your dignity etc. left. My grandmother always told me, "It's always sweeter the 2nd time around". I meet the love of my life and carrying our 1st child together. My children adore him and vice are verser. Leave while your still good. I hope you read this and believe. I know you can only learn by trials and errors, but 16 years and 5 counsel sessions is more than even... : (

Wow! To all of you who have commented on my story...Thank you for all of the advice! You all have made me do a lot of thinking. I realize that I need security, and I do fear being alone. That being said, I also realize that (thanks to all of you) that I have done nothing wrong. After being married for one year, I had a miscarriage. Being so emotionally distraught, I felt that it was "my fault" that the miscarriage occurred because I once had sex (regular and and oral) with a guy I briefly dated. When I told my husband about it (thinking that confession is good for the soul), he has become upset over the thought that I would be a little more "sexually explicit" with a guy I dated, and I won't be that explicit with him. I see that his thinking is totally ridiculous, and I think that he is holding that over my head because he may have done things during our marriage and before, and it is always easier to blame someone else. Maybe I posted my story in the wrong section -- maybe I should have written my story under the emotional abuse category. I am going to concentrate on myself and my child...

Questions to ask yourself:<br />
<br />
Why do I stay in a marriage with a partner that does not meet my emotional needs?<br />
<br />
Am I afraid to be alone? <br />
<br />
Why do I allow someone to hold a incident that occurred before I even met him over my head?<br />
<br />
Why do I bear his inadequacy, his inability to be intimate, and his inconsideration of my needs as if they were my fault?<br />
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A lot of people here will tell people to leave the refuser, and it is often good advice. Often, people need to work on their own issues and problems in individual therapy before they get to the place where they have the strength to move past a hurtful/dysfunctional relationship. Turn the focus off him, and focus on meeting your own needs. Get a good therapist to help on issues of low self esteem, fear, and any past issues. And, when you are ready (which will happen quicker then you think you will once you start the process of taking care of yourself and addressing your own life), decide on a strategy to move past this place of loneliness and hurt within your marriage. <br />
<br />
Good luck

Diva 50, you're getting a lot of superficial comments here, that are informed more about the attitudes<br />
and specific experiences of the commenter than an understanding of your situation. <br />
<br />
There are reasons that you have stayed in this relationship for sixteen years, but you don't mention them. What is keeping you - financial security, fear of loneliness, concern for your sons college support, or?? I am asking you to look at your total relationship and assay what you are both getting out of it, not just look at the sex part. Many people stay together, though incompatible in bed, for a whole host of reasons.<br />
<br />
I have a good friend in exactly this situation. She has found the strength to admit her needs for security and family tranquility are greater than her desire to have sex with, specifically, her frigid husband. She was able to work out the boundaries, within which dating was acceptable. I expect latent or closeted homosexuality or trauma caused him to be this way.<br />
<br />
I encourage you to find a counselor for the specific purpose of helping you renegotiate expectations and boundaries with your husband if there are parts of your marriage that you both feel are worth saving.

There is obviously something going on with your husband that you are not aware of.At any rate life is too short to continue to waste time on someone who has "issues" and is not attracted to you.All this situation can offer you is indignity,disrespect,and heartache.Do not allow it!,not only for your sake but for the sake of your child.This is not the way two people love one another and your child should not get the impression that it is,so be careful and honest with yourself.You deserve better.

We only have so many trips around the sun. Don't waste the next five!<br />
<br />
(Upset that you had a boyfriend before you met him...and still bringing it up 17 years later!....wtf!)

Just read the first comments. If he cared about you he would have tried to work it out before you got married or told you that he only want virgins or something and that it won't work out.<br />
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Not wasted your time like this when you could have spent this time happy with someone else!x

Hi babe. Sorry I have no advice, I just posted my sad life myself, but I know how you feel. Wondering if there is actually something wrong with you that you want sex and intimacy. Wishing the man you married would come back and wondering if he was ever like that at all. Seeing the years roll by, getting older and seeng no change, wondering if it wil be like this forever but hanging on in the hope that one day things might change or wondering if you'll end up old, bitter and resentful wishing you put yourself and your hapiness first FOR ONCE and stopped giving when all he does is take. <br />
<br />
Marriage takes two people and should be 50/50 . . . so why aren't you the one telling him to get out the house or not to touch you? When I know the answre myself i'll let you know!x

. . . . the saga continues for as long as you allow it to.<br />
<br />
Someone needs to be pro-active here. Doesn't look like its going to be him (he tried taking responsibility for himself once - and didn't like it)<br />
<br />
From where I sit, that appears to leave only one person left to drive this vehicle. That would be you.<br />
<br />
I dont think you need an extra passenger in the car while you drive either. Best you get advice on the best route for YOU. Stick some petrol in the car, hit the road.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Well I'll meet you back here in 5 years. You'll be telling me that you should have listened to me 5 years ago and divorced him. Enjoy the next 5 years.

I don't know what the problem is. I never asked him (nor do I care about his past). Thank you for making me not feel guilty about something that occured more than 17 years ago. Sometimes I wonder if he is just holding that over my head because he has something to hide. Did he hook upo with someone the months that we were separated, and since I havenot done anything wrong, he has to resort to what Idid before I got married? He came back home "because of our teenager" and I wonder what will happen when our teenager leaves for college in three years. Am I going to be alone, will he finally snap out of it... The saga continues...

He doesn't want you to touch him, kiss him, be affectionate? He tells you your acting like a guy? What an abject jerk he is. You marry someone they become your partner, your best friend, and your main focus. He disrespects you every day in almost every way. What you did before you met him is nothing to be held over your head. Everyone, less virgins, comes with baggage and he is an immature clown if he hangs on to something like that. So there is no kicker, divorce this *** because he is a train wreck looking for someone to run down and harm a lot.

I hear what you are saying...but here is the kicker...My husband tells me that he is still angry with me because of a brief physical relationhip that I had a year BEFORE I met my husband. I made the mistake of telling my husband about the relationship, (I thought that it was important to be honest -- was I ever young!), and while I thought it would be no big deal, he has held that against me for years. Why do you think that me doesn't respect me?

Yeah, get up on Monday, get dressed, kiss him good bye and tell him "I'm meeting with the Divorce Attorney at 10 this morning". Then walk out and do it. You are wasting you time with this roommate who has no love whatever for you. FOrget the sex, this clown doesn't even respect you.